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He was my one and only...

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Mom4ever posted 3/5/2014 12:16 PM

This sounds stupid I suppose, but it is what it is.

I have never been with anyone but my STBXWH. Our final hearing is in 2 months. I am 9 months out from DDay. I don't even want to think about dating until after our divorce is final. That just is the way I believe it is supposed to be.

But I just wonder how in the world I will be able to move on. When I am divorced and ready to start dating, will I be ok? Will I get to a point that I won't feel guilty, like I am cheating? Even though I will have the sheet of paper that says we are divorced and I will know it in my mind, will I ever feel that in my heart?

What is it like the first time you are with another partner after this many years and only being with your cheater?

Just wondering if there are others who have gone through this and what advice they have.

mainlyinpain posted 3/5/2014 12:21 PM

(((Mom4ever)))

Just wanted to say....I feel ya.

I am in limbo now with my WH and he is my one and only. I am curious too as to how someone like us has done after D. I think it is one thing that I am really apprehensive about. That next time after D would be reaallly something different.

But different can be good!

Leia posted 3/5/2014 13:13 PM

Mom4ever,
Don't feel alone. My STBXH is the only guy I've ever been with, too. I don't know how it is going to be different, I only know that I'm going to give myself time, wait until my D is final (I'm just at the beginning), and then build a new life for myself. My IC assured me that there is a future and I can find a great guy and happiness after going through this mess, and I'm sure the same is true for you. For right now, it is all about me and the kids. The rest will come when the time is right.

TrustedHer posted 3/5/2014 13:41 PM

I was in the same situation, and had the same fears.

I think it is good to be aware of this as a potential issue, and to spend some time thinking about it.

Which is good, because you need to get a good deal of separation and healing behind you before you begin the dating process. For your sake, and for your next partner's sake, too.

I was so concerned about this, that when it became clear that My Lady and I were going to become intimate, I even broached the subject that one or the other of us might become emotional about this. And that we should turn TO each other, rather than AWAY, in that event.

All for naught, as it turns out. Instead of crying after the fact, it was all smiles and grins and laughter.

You'll do fine.

Williesmom posted 3/5/2014 14:16 PM

My wxh wasn't my first, but I was with him for 26 years.

The first man that I slept with after the divorce was final was also a BS - I was his first after an equally long marriage.

Afterwards, I said "woohoo, I didn't cry". He said "woohoo, me either".

That pretty much sums up the experience.

nowiknow23 posted 3/5/2014 14:38 PM

Even though I will have the sheet of paper that says we are divorced and I will know it in my mind, will I ever feel that in my heart?
Divorced for 2 years from my one and only after 24 years of marriage. I'm not anywhere near ready to date, but I do feel like my "married" shields are starting to come down.

At first, I couldn't even fathom letting someone else in like that ever again. But I'm starting to believe it will happen. At some point.

My advice? Take things as they come. Don't let anyone dictate to you what your timeline should be. Pay attention to your self and only do what feels right to you.

LearningToRun posted 3/5/2014 14:44 PM

Even though I will have the sheet of paper that says we are divorced and I will know it in my mind, will I ever feel that in my heart?

IMO, yes - BUT you must make a decision and an effort to move on. You can hang on and be bitter as long as you want, or you can make the choice to live again. I chose to live again. After 24 years with my ex, it was difficult but not impossible.

What is it like the first time you are with another partner after this many years and only being with your cheater?

I worried about this too. But guess what, IT.WAS.AWESOME.

reallystruggling posted 3/5/2014 14:45 PM

XH was also my first and only.
My first time off the bus after D? I promise, XH was the furthest thing from my mind

ProbableIceCream posted 3/5/2014 14:57 PM

XWW was my first relationship (smart, right?) and I don't feel like I would be betraying her at all if I dated someone, but at the same time I don't feel like dealing with the hassle.

Newlease posted 3/5/2014 15:16 PM

My XWH was not my one and only, but he was my only for 26 years. I didn't even think about dating until 9 months post-D (and that turned out to be too soon), but I know I had a hard time feeling single. I had my married shield up, more from habit than any loyalty to XWH.

I was also very used to regular sex - at least 2x per week (more if I had had my way). It was 18 months of being celibate for me before I became intimate with someone again. That's not long compared to the time some people wait, but it seemed like an eternity to me. The first time with a new person turned out to be a wonderful experience. I didn't think about my imperfections - I just went with my emotions.

It will be ok. Sending strength and peace.

NL

phmh posted 3/5/2014 19:03 PM

XWH also was the only person I'd slept with.

I slept with someone about 5 months post divorce in a FWB-type situation (I mostly wanted to get the monkey off of my back about not having slept with anyone else.) Even though there were no emotions involved, it was better than with XWH!

And then, about a year later, I slept with the last guy I was in a relationship with -- AMAZING. I always thought sex was OK but I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about. Until this guy.

Selfish people (cheaters) make selfish, bad lovers. Was I ever in for a treat, and I know you will be, too!

Tripletrouble posted 3/5/2014 19:08 PM

My first time off the bus after D? I promise, XH was the furthest thing from my mind

^^^ what she said

The funny thing is so many of my girlfriends ask about this. Being seen naked after so many years of gravity, giving birth, etc. No biggie. Whatevs. It was not on my mind.

traicionada posted 3/5/2014 20:35 PM

XH was the first boy ever held hands with, the first boy I ever kissed...first everything. Anyhow, it took me 2 years, 1 decree of divorce, 1 annulment and lots of IC to get to the point where I was ok with the idea of being physically close with another human. IMO, the timing between "the one" and "the next one" is extremely personal so figure out what matters to you and go from there.

Mom4ever posted 3/5/2014 21:39 PM

Thank you all for responding. I know I'm nowhere near ready, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if and when I will be ready and what it will be like.

dontknowwhyme posted 3/6/2014 08:30 AM

What is it like the first time you are with another partner after this many years and only being with your cheater?

Amazing. I was happy with my sex life during my marriage. She was my only too. I had no idea what I was really missing out on.

sparkysable posted 3/6/2014 11:07 AM

Well, it takes a long time.... I'm at almost 4 years past d-day, and I could not have even considered dating until recently, and even now, I'm content to be by myself for the rest of my life. I could take it or leave it.

LearningToRun posted 3/6/2014 12:31 PM

Selfish people (cheaters) make selfish, bad lovers. Was I ever in for a treat, and I know you will be, too!

Ain't that the truth!! I had no idea. I thought our sex life was pretty good - nope.

Mom4ever posted 3/7/2014 20:49 PM

This all does give me hope. Now to just give it time till I am healed more and ready.
When I hear all of the stories of my STBXWH and all of the different women, it just makes me sick. I hope it's never just that simple and easy to give myself away to whatever flavor of the day is appealing to me. I want it to be special. I want it to be real.

GotPlayed posted 3/8/2014 08:18 AM

I'm in the same boat. I'm the shy type. She was my one and only. First and last.

It's hard because out sex life was good. So of course now I'm at the point that every woman looks great to me. Never had gone this long without.

And I have both the "married shield" and the shyness. Plus the need for a real emotional connection before I get physical, which I refuse to compromise on.

I'm told by my therapist and even by STBXWW during an NC break that I'm ok looking ("not hard on the eyes" she put it). I'm pretty insecure about that now.

Nowhere near ready to date. But it worries me if I'll ever be with someone else.

I thought I was done worrying about this crap.

PhantomLimb posted 3/8/2014 13:58 PM

My X wasn't my first. I had a handful of lovers before him. Married him when I was 21 somewhat reluctantly. I had always enjoyed dating and felt I was too young. But I loved him and thought he was a good man (ha!) and didn't want to throw away a chance a happiness just because I was boy crazy. And, ironically, I was the faithful one! Imagine that!

Unfortunately for me, all of my former boyfriends were better in bed than X. But, again, I told myself that thing about him being a good man. He wasn't so bad I couldn't stand it. He was very good at a couple of things. But I wasn't attracted to him and didn't want to do it all the time like I was with some of my other lovers. But I thought maybe that's just M. Maybe I'm getting older...

When I'm there emotionally, I'm looking forward to dating again. At one point this year a man asked me to be in a relationship and I told him absolutely not. Not only was I not ready-- but I wanted to date around a little bit now that I'm unexpectedly free! No way am I going to shut it down again immediately!

I imagine it's going to be a lot different out there than it was when I was in my early 20s (of course)... but I'm crossing my fingers that I at least get to have some good sex in my life before I die now that I'm not stuck with X!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:59 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

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