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Boundaries with Family

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Weatherly posted 3/5/2014 13:59 PM

So, my parents think we have a good relationship, we don't, they just like to tell me I'm crazy, I'm too emotional, or I'm playing the martyr when I try to talk to them about anything, so, I've learned to say little around them.

Back in September, I went off on my mom about a lot of things, abuse, being denied an education, etc. and she "apologized". She told me she was sorry for my perception of my childhood but hoped I'd learn to forgive. I broke my foot in October, and neither parent, nor any of my almost dozen siblings called once to see if I needed anything. I'd shop by dropping my 9yr old off at the door to get a wheelchair, I'd park, he and his brother would bring the chair over, help me out, and push the chair for me. I recently (Sunday night) had the opportunity to say this hurt me. I got "you could have called us, but...whatever, you'll think what you want and be the martyr."

My mom then came up to visit the next day. I'm scheduled for surgery and major dental work Friday. My family is not reliable. Aussie and I planned this very carefully, for him to be there, he's leaving work early,for the kids to be with my ex MIL. H even took time off the next week in case I needed him. As my mom was leaving her visit she informed me that she planned to be there because Aussie might be distracted and I'd need her.

To me this is typical, she wants to look like she's helping, without actually being any help. Then, if I don't like the idea, she can play the victim and tell how she just can't do anything right, I'm so mean, she was just trying to help. And of course, the fact I was mad nobody helped when my foot was broke will get thrown up as well, that she was just trying to fix it. But there is a difference between asking if I need something when I'm the only adult at my house, and inviting yourself to the waiting room because you don't think my husband can take care of me.

I need to tell her I don't want her there. I did tell her that, I said I would be concerned with making sure other people were comfortable,and unable to relax and I would be self conscious about my looks, I'd prefer just Aussie is there. She told me I was silly, that if I couldn't relax, that was on me and she'd be there. I need to tell her today, she is not to come. I did say that, how do I say it better?


Lucky2HaveMe posted 3/5/2014 15:20 PM

Are you my sister?!?

When I had my 2nd & 3rd babies I didn't even tell my mother until after they were born. She would have been up at the hospital making it all about her.

Anyways - I would say something like "Aussie & I have talked and we really don't want anyone at the hospital with us. He will let you know as soon as the surgery is over and that everything went well." If she argues, say "That's our decision and we appreciate you respecting our boundaries"

UGH! It *feels* disrespectful to have to tell our moms to go away. But if we don't, the only person we are disrespecting is ourselves.

Oh if I could only follow my own advice...

jrc1963 posted 3/5/2014 17:24 PM

I know exactly what you mean...

I once told my mother, who was visiting me for Christmas, to change her airline ticket so she could leave early... then drove her to the airport, dropped her at the door and took off...

She is so toxic I haven't actually spoken more than 10 words to her since 2008.

Amazonia posted 3/5/2014 18:45 PM

I would give her a seemingly useful task and ask her to do that instead. And I would give it to h her last minute. And I would make sure she thinks it's vital but you really don't care if she F's it up.

Amazonia posted 3/8/2014 01:07 AM

How did things go?

fireproof posted 3/8/2014 06:57 AM

I hope your surgery goes well.

What I have learned that might help:

1. Depending on your age your parents are older- most likely they won't change

2. Even after you say your peace the most they can offer is am apology and maybe a way they will try

BUT you need to like knowing you don't want her there stick to where she is available to help and let go of the rest.

You could say he took off time and has plans to care for you and if you need her you will call but you would appreciate a call to check in as you will be in recovery.

I know people me included as a kid it is hard but as an adult we have our parents for a short time and you and your family have a choice on how and when to include her.

I let go when my family wasn't there for me but years later they figured I didn't call so I didn't need them and I am strong and would have had to manage company etc. It isn't worth your mental health - focus on healing and resting.

If she insists and comes then I would assign her tasks outside of the house

[This message edited by fireproof at 6:58 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

Weatherly posted 3/8/2014 07:13 AM

How did things go?

I went over and explained that I had no frame of reference for what was going to happen, and because of that, I am feeling very self-conscious and would prefer to not have a bunch of people looking at me until I know what I look like. (All of which was true) I also said that Aussie specifically took time off to be with me, so we were pretty sure we had it al handled.

I'm glad I did it that way. I don't remember much about yesterday, except being fed Jello by Aussie and apparently a lot of bloody drooling. I didn't need an audience for that.

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