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Conflicted about reading & posting on SI behind WS's back

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Erasmus posted 3/5/2014 19:01 PM

Im conflicted right now about participating here. Reading the stories of others and posting some of my own troubles has helped me find sanity in this mess so far. I'm am, however, conflicted about doing so behind my WS's back. Should I tell her that I've been reading and talking on here? I feel a little bit like I'm cheating, having these conversations and reading these stories on here. I feel like I should include her so that she knows I'm reaching for anything that will help me understand what has happened.

What are your thoughts on sharing this site with your wayward partner?

karmahappens posted 3/5/2014 19:07 PM


My husband knows I am here, but has never been interested in the site, which is fine with me.

Are you trying to R? Is she getting IC ?

Are you comfortable with her reading your feelings or will you have to alter yourself?

I would not feel guilty. She brought this on and you need the support you do what makes you feel safest.

Erasmus posted 3/5/2014 19:13 PM

We are trying to R, but it's been rocky thus far. We are about to begin MC and honestly I have nothing to hide from her on here, just as I've had nothing to hide from her in life. I would actually like her to know how I feel but I don't know how she would react to knowing I'm sharing things with strangers on here. Frankly there's a part of me that doesn't care... She cheated on me and slept with other men. All I'm doing here is reaching desperately for strings of hope that this isn't all a lost cause.

Very confused.

[This message edited by Erasmus at 7:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

karmahappens posted 3/5/2014 19:16 PM

Let's compare what you are sharing now vs what she shared with other men...

hmmm, I think I would feel quite comfortable knowing you are well witin your rights here.

If you think she would benefit and you want her here, then share.

If you feel threatened but still want to share keep your user-name to yourself.

You need to proactively heal you. Hopefully she will get it and start doing her share.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

LivinginLimbo posted 3/5/2014 19:37 PM

My FWH knows that I participate in a site dedicated to those dealing with infidelity. He's never asked specifics.

From time to time, I might mention something from here. He realizes it's an important outlet for me and has never questioned my participation. If anything, I sense he's glad that I found a place where I'm able to talk about it anonymously.

Tripletrouble posted 3/5/2014 19:40 PM

I felt like SI was an important tool to help my wayward "get it". He read a good bit but was not a poster. I felt that to withhold SI would be holding back helping to save the marriage. We ended up divorced and now I regret him knowing the site and my ID.

SadInNC posted 3/5/2014 20:12 PM

Speaking from my own experience with my WH and SI, I have always been open about it ever since I found SI. He has made one or two ignorant comments about SI, blaming it for my questioning him and thinking that it is distorting my view of things. All this, without ever really exploring SI for himself. Since then, I have asked him to read certain posts that I think he would benefit from. I've also, just recently, had him read an entire thread that I started. I didn't tell him that it was me but after a few minutes of reading it he asked, "did you write this?" DUH!!!! I've always viewed SI as a toolfor the two of us to use. I've even left it open on his iphone to make it really, really easy for him to access it. Still, he has shown no interest in it to me.

In the end, it is a personal choice. If you really feel that you are doing something behind her back and are uncomfortable with it, tell her. You could simply say that you have been reading and sharing on an infidelity website and it's been helping you to heal. Period. She should not have any issues with it and if she does, deal with it then. You could still tell her that she is not welcome to the party. After all, you weren't invited to all of her parties either. Just saying.

Howie posted 3/5/2014 20:36 PM

If she is a deeply,saintly, repentant Magdalene, negotiate as you need.If she is the usual all to human betrayer,do what you need here.This is about YOUR healing; would you tell her everything a doctor did?

MissMouseMo posted 3/5/2014 20:53 PM

Some waywards have used the site against their betrayed spouses when things didn't work so I would tread very, very carefully.

Posting here anonymously, any marriage "secrets" will never be identifiable to anyone unless you reveal them, and the answers here are tailored to your needs which can be so incredibly helpful.

If she finds it because she is trying to help you heal & is seeking resources, rejoice. Otherwise, you can't unring a bell; be absolutely positive you want to share this invaluable resource with someone you truly can't trust right now.

Don't feel guilty.

BtraydWife posted 3/5/2014 20:56 PM

I wouldn't share this place so close to dday.

I see this place the same as IC. You wouldn't feel the need to explain to her everything you told your therapist would you?

I think it would be fine to say you found an online support group. A remorseful WS wouldn't have an issue with that.

stunnedin12 posted 3/5/2014 21:02 PM

I have never told wh about this site. If he has checked my internet history, it is there. When his affair was exposed I did ask him to find some sites for HIM to read regarding healing a marriage, being a real man, etc. Unless he is hiding this site, he's never been here according to his internet history.

I feel no guilt what-so-ever about reading and posting here. I figure his affair pretty much cancels any opinion he might have about me being on this site.

lovehatelove posted 3/6/2014 06:31 AM

I'm conflicted about telling WH about this site... I want him to know about this outlet that I have recently discovered, and how it's helping me...

I'm actually not even sure what is stopping me from telling him.....

Hmmmmm

Sadmumma posted 3/6/2014 07:02 AM

my ex does not know I'm on here. (not a secret - it just hasnt come up}

This isnt about him... its about me. my needs. What I need to help me through and find some clarity and direction in my situation.

This site is anonymous.... so unless one of my friends jump on here..no one would know anyone else anyway.

post away!

Erasmus posted 3/6/2014 09:27 AM

Thank you all so much for the feedback and personal experiences with this question!

I don't think I'm ready to share the site by name but I do believe I will tell her I found an online support group that I've been reading and posting to anonymously while we work to get ourselves into both MC & IC. If she wants to participate on SI, I welcome it. If she does not, I can also understand and accept that.

phoenixrise posted 3/7/2014 11:38 AM

Mine hasnt a clue im on here either sometimes I feel the same as you but then think I am doing nothing wrong...it has helped me immensely sort out my feelings and I view it as positive personal therapy it lets me vent...its MY little secret and a far less damaging one than his little secrets he kept from me. I bask in knowing I have something all to myself...like this site says its my safe place. Also if he knew he would be grateful this site has saved him from me so many times helping me to rethink, refocus on my feelings, not feel so all alone, gain insight, and organize my thoughts before acting rashly

rachelc posted 3/7/2014 11:44 AM

in taking steps to live an authentic life there is no way I could keep this from him. If you are conflicted then maybe what you're doing is not jiving with your values?

He knows I post here. It is not for him. I have told him about the BS Men's forum as where could he get this kind of support IRL? He doesn't want to be triggered so that's why he puts what happened on a shelf and gets it out when it roars or when we are in MC. This makes me sad but it's his life a his choice how to live it.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/7/2014 11:52 AM

I'm an adult and certainly didn't need his 'permission' or his 'approval' to read or participate here.

Just as he didn't ask for my permission to be a cheating asshat.

tushnurse posted 3/7/2014 13:03 PM

My personal take on this is if your spouse cares and gets angry or upset they aren't really in R and don't get it. If they do get it they will be supportive and understand that this place provides support sanity and a safe place to share this shitstorm in your life that you would prefer my to share with friends.

I posted here shortly after DDay and found it helpful. I did NOT tell H initially. It was my turn to protect myself. When real R started and he was truly remorseful I told him about this place. He read a bit but wanted me to have a safe place to share talk and find and give support. He knows I still visit an post and teases me that I try to provide wisdom from our experience. He is welcome to read and join.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/7/2014 13:23 PM

Erasmus,
I first felt that way, like I was doing something wrong or like I was going to get accused of something bad.
But the more I read and had light bulb moments of clarity on something that was happening with WH, I didn't feel bad anymore. It was actually a saving grace to have people who didn't even know me have my back, understood my pain and feelings. Who could help me realize that the A was not about me or the OW it was about him.
I finally shared it with him but he didn't want nothing to do with it but never asked me to leave SI which I thought was a "WOW".
I am glad that there is place like this, because you need support as this is no easy journey alone.

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