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You all tried to warn me - napalm part 2

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cayc posted 3/5/2014 20:16 PM

Well that break up with napalm guy? It didn't stick. After staying in contact somewhat (texting only occasionally) and a lonely xmas where for the first time in my life I spent the day by myself, we started talking for real. We had some heart to hearts. He demonstrated that he had made some changes. I realized I'm prejudiced about money and if I wanted this guy, then I needed to be ok being the breadwinner.

I thought things were going well. We were talking in terms of him moving here to be with me, as in dates. The only thing I asked was 1. to make sure he was done with CS payments and 2. to schedule the back surgery he needs. These two things were to help alleviate my anxiety about money & his health because if both of those things were done, then from my perspective he could come her without a job and it would be fine. If he wanted to work, yay but he would not *have* to work. Oh and the other thing was, I didn't want to be sending him money to help him out b/c the goal was to get him to where I am, not pay him to make it where he was.

Ive been, as many of you know, more than generous and forgiving. But today, via text, he asked for more. And my heart started racing. And it made me feel like I'm nothing but a "sugar mama" because he was always asking, and very not understanding that I don't have the money to send him. Even just $50. I'm tapped out trying to payoff the big bills (some of which went to him).

I was ruminating in my mind how to respond to the text given my visceral reaction to it. Before I do, he also tells me via text he finally spoke to the surgeon he has been playing phone tag with for weeks & that surgery for his back isn't possible. And expensive. Ugh, but I wasn't sure he wasn't just being fatalistic about the surgery. And so I waited until I got home to call ... & after he explained the surgery thing a little (still not so clear) I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health. And he hung up on me. I tried calling back. And then he sent a text telling me I was selfish and that he never wanted to talk to me again and to never contact him. There are 3 more long texts I haven't read because I'm sure they are just as ugly. And he's already deleted me from facebook.

I'm stunned & not. I'm stunned because when I started with I feel like our relationship is ... all he had to do was say I disagree. Or don't worry we"ll figure this out.

But obviously that isn't what happened. I'm taking him at his word to not contact him. After all, what would I say?? Hey I was telling you how I feel and you took it too far, assumed the worst, attacked me and made sure that I know that I can't trust you.

Well. Feel free to tell me "I told you so".

An expensive lesson. Wow. I'm just stunned. And sad.

InnerLight posted 3/5/2014 20:28 PM


He sounds like a narcissist to respond the way he did. I'm sure it hurts like hell, as it's not fair. But I am really glad you broke it off. He is not good for you, your self esteem, your mental health.

Big hugs to you. I know it feels really bad.

nowiknow23 posted 3/5/2014 20:35 PM

Oh, honey. I'm sorry he turned out to be someone other than you thought he was. And I'm furious that he used and hurt you. You deserve so much better.


Williesmom posted 3/5/2014 20:36 PM


I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up over it- learn from it.

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.

cayc posted 3/5/2014 20:50 PM

@williesmom, that's part of why I'm not responding. To not get sucked in. I have to admit that I'm not even upset yet. I'm sitting here just stunned. I really don't understand his reaction at all. bleah. I'm just bleah.

ProbableIceCream posted 3/5/2014 20:55 PM

Emotions are very powerful things. It's hard to learn to navigate them. I don't say this as someone who knows how to do it, just someone who is starting to understand the magnitude of the difficulty.


kg201 posted 3/5/2014 21:07 PM

Take pride in the fact that you figured him out. It sounds like he was using you for the money, and when you pointed out this was becoming a problem, he probably moved on to his next piggy bank. You did nothing wrong, and in fact you didn't allow yourself to get sucked in any deeper. That's great!

Stunned is better than hurt. ((Cayc))

Gr8Lady posted 3/5/2014 21:50 PM

Take pride in being able to recognize and learn an important lesson. Don't beat yourself up, there are many kind and compassionate people that are taken advantage of.

This time, you read him correctly, and learned a valuable lesson when he showed you exactly who he really is.

cissi posted 3/5/2014 22:07 PM

I don't understand this relationship you have with this man. Have you ever met him or do you just know him from online and texting?

If you have not met him, I'd say you were getting scammed all along.

fraeuken posted 3/5/2014 22:17 PM

He sounds like something you would see on Dr Phil. I have the same question, have you met him? He sounds like a classic scammer. Run!!!

cayc posted 3/5/2014 22:33 PM

Oh yes I've met him, we were dating & he had to move for work & we've been in a LDR for awhile.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/5/2014 23:54 PM

Aren't you pissed off at this guy for calling you 'selfish'.....A-gain??!?? Anyone who has been *loaned* as much money as this guy has been has a lot of damn nerve to CONTINUE asking for more and even MORE nerve to get pissed off when you don't extend him any more credit. The cherry on top would be if he included another "You deserved what your ex did to you" statement in one of those additional messages that you haven't read yet.

CC, you want a partner who will share your life.....not a toddler who throws a tantrum when he is told 'no.'

surgery for his back isn't possible. And expensive

Huh? Which is it -- not possible or possible, but really expensive? I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.

Good riddance to this guy.....and {{{hugs}}} 'cause I know you liked him.

GabyBaby posted 3/6/2014 00:24 AM

I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.
I have my doubts as to whether or not there was actual surgery needed. Back problems are very difficult to diagnose and we can all claims back issues on SOME level. I wonder if his was just a way to milk more money out of you.

So sorry that this happened, but I'm very glad you saw him for what he is before you sunk even more money and emotional investment into him.

SBB posted 3/6/2014 03:10 AM

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.

^^THIS. This. A thousand times this.

The warnings haven't stopped.

"Selfish"?? Are.You.Fucking.Kidding.Me.? Its your fucking money!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This dance is familiar to you, me and all of us. You know how this ends.

Even if you do ignore these further warnings for the love of god please don't move in with him and do not support him. Do that for a few years and if he goes back to the man you thought he was then maybe this was a brain explosion.

I strongly doubt it.

jemimapd posted 3/6/2014 05:38 AM

Oh Cayc!

I know it hurts but believe me before long you will surely look back and realize that you had a close escape.

My ex needed money from the start. These guys never change. There is always a crisis. They never have savings. They always promise to pay you back as soon as xyz happens and of course there is always some unforeseen event to prevent that.

I paid his debts, his dental bills, his medical bills and subsidized his business. I left my marriage poorer and now is is raging that he didn't get enough money in the divorce. Now he can't afford cataract surgery and that is my fault.

That is the problem: they don't get ever on their feet. They become accustomed to you paying and it sounds as if that was happening here, he expected you to pay.

You are right: you need a partner. This guy was never going to be it.

cayc posted 3/6/2014 06:42 AM

I woke up this morning to a string of ugly texts that I barely read and a Facebook friend request.

I just sent him this:

I wasn't trying to break up with you. I was trying to express my distress over where we are & how frustrated I am about what's going on. But you hung up on me and I haven't read further than the first text since I know the rest are just as ugly. Why? Why did you have to over react and ruin everything? It didn't have to happen. You didn't have to take it so far. You could have listened, and been a real partner to me to talk with me and to try and figure out a solution for us. You didn't have to be awful like this. You didn't have to ruin everything.

phmh posted 3/6/2014 06:49 AM


Sometimes it takes a few times for us to learn lessons that seem obvious to those on the outside.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

He's shown you who he is. Please don't let him suck you back in.

You are so amazing and I know a great guy is out there for you -- but you won't be able to find him if you're trying to fix this guy who is so clearly broken.

More hugs. (((cayc)))

little turtle posted 3/6/2014 07:47 AM

Ugh. (((cayc))) Stay strong!!! I'm proud that you recognized what was happening and tried to talk with him about it. He certainly showed you his true colors when he hung up on you. I hope the break up sticks this time around. You deserve way better than anything this guy can provide for you!

7yrsflushed posted 3/6/2014 08:19 AM

CAYC, cut off all contact with this guy. Don't keep dealing with him. He will be fishing to get his hooks back into you. You recognized him for who he was but still gave him the benefit of the doubt. He showed you exactly who he is now you must believe him.

Do not engage with him, block his number from your phones, block his email address and ignore his friend request. There are men out there that don't play games, don't use people, and truly appreciate and adore the women they are with. This guy is not one of them. No more projects. People have to take responsibility for there own lives and this guy isn't doing that and likely never will. He is leeching off you and likely others. Step away from the crazy.

dontknowwhyme posted 3/6/2014 08:27 AM

You didn't have to be awful like this. You didn't have to ruin everything.

Should have continued with......

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.

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