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Crashtestdummy posted 3/5/2014 21:56 PM

Dear NB's

My Questions are:
- Do long distance relationships (LDR) ever work?
- What is the farthest LDR that worked for you?
- How do you overcome the time you are apart? Is phone calls and texting enough? When is it too much?
- What other secrets work?

My Story:

So, I met a woman. We have been dating for about 4 weeks. I really like her. Yes, I know it is early, but we click on many emotional levels. She is kind, thoughtful, honest and extremely pretty. Our value system match completely. We enjoy the same things and activities. Yes, sounds perfect... She even gets my humor and actually finds it funny. That is RARE INDEED!!

Here is the rest of the story. We live about an hour and half from each other. We both have demanding professional jobs that make seeing each other extremely difficult anytime during the week. Also, factor in our work locutions, and we are about 2 hours apart on weekdays. I could not get to her house before 9 PM during the week.

Couple in that our semi-grown children live with each of us full time and still depend on us for some of their needs and support. Our religious backgrounds do not support living together, as well as the extra challenge that my X-Wife still lives close by (two house down...)

You might suggest that I sell my house and move closer to her. That is not really an option. It is too early in the relationship to ponder that. My son enjoys living here with me. The house is built exactly as I want and has all of the features I could ever need. Also, my selling the house only gives my SO comfort while in my new home, it still does not completely solve the distance issue that would remain between us.

I would like to give this relationship it's best chance to work, but I have my doubts. Even seeing each other once a week has it's challenges with other things going on in each of our lives.

I do know she has similar feelings. We have talked about the distance between us but have yet to find a good solution that works for both of us.

There is part of me that wants to just drop this and move on. But honestly, I have dated a lot of people since my divorce and she is the first I met where I could see us forming a very happy relationship together. I do like her very very much and would be saddened to see it end. But, I know the pain will be much worse, if we end this relationship after being together for a lengthy time.

Harriet posted 3/5/2014 22:05 PM

Well, my ex and I started as long distance lovers, also an hour and a half apart. We had a great time for several years with it. Since I had kids, he ended up moving to me. We got married. I suppose, if he hadn't been a serial cheater, it would have been called a success!

Oh the Irony posted 3/5/2014 22:14 PM

An hour and a half barely qualifies as long distance IMO. Yes, it limits weekday contact but I think it is totally worth trying if she is such a good match. You can't totally mitigate risk. Personally I'd just as soon live and love.

I understand it shapes your weekend time. I dated someone an hour away.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/5/2014 22:21 PM

An hour and a half barely qualifies as long distance IMO

LOL, I was thinking the same thing. I live in the rural mountain west. The nearest mall is 2 hours away. Target 35 minutes.

I could deal with 1.5 hours. But I am not you!

I tried LDR. 4.5 hours. It was too far and impossible. Fun while it lasted.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:46 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

InnerLight posted 3/5/2014 22:33 PM

I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You are only 4 weeks in, this is no time to be thinking of house selling. I don't think anyone here would suggest that on the basis of such a new relationship. You barely know each other.

I think once you've been married you think of relationships in that very committed way. But it's too soon for that. This is the discovery period, time to enjoy getting to know one another. Why can't you just enjoy your Saturdays together and the rest of the time focus on work and kids? Why does being w a woman have to be so all encompassing .

I live about 45 mins away from SO and we often don't see eachother until the weekend. I receive a good morning text, a brief back and forth, then he calls me in the eve and we talk for 5-60 minutes.

I enjoy the focus on my life without being enmeshed in another. I also enjoy our weekly dates where we relax together.

Finding someone you click w is precious. Don't overthink and overplan this. Enjoy simple dating.

inconnu posted 3/5/2014 22:40 PM

My LDR is incredibly successful. SO and I have been together for 4 years, and we live about 1000 miles apart.

It does take effort to make it work so well, and communication is vital. We chat (as in IM/google talk) just about every night, for several hours a night. I know it seems time consuming, but one of the big reasons we do chat instead of talk on the phone is because we can be doing other things while we're chatting. It's easy to step away from the computer for a few minutes to get something done if we need to.

We've been lucky in that SO's job required him to travel on a weekly basis, and they weren't picky about where he chose to fly "home" to. So he'd spend a couple of weekends a month with me, and most of the travel expenses were taken care of.

Honestly, if both of you want it bad enough, you'll figure out how to make it work. If you don't want it that badly, you won't put in the effort, and you'll find the excuses. Neither way is right or wrong, just right or wrong for your life.

I took a giant leap out of my comfort zone when I met SO, and even if our relationship hadn't worked out because of the distance, it would still have been the best leap I've ever made.

wildbananas posted 3/5/2014 23:51 PM

My SO and I are also LDR, about 650 miles apart. I have an opportunity to move to his area (I have a good job offer) and I am seriously considering it. (He's actually a small part of my consideration. I have to think in terms of if we don't make it, would I still want to be there?)

Anyway, our communication during the day is off and on as work permits (usually email), some texting at night and we talk on the phone about 3x a week. It all works very well for us.

1.5 hours isn't unsurmountable IMO, but it's about what you think you can handle. And I'm with IL... you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. But I get having to think long term when looking at an LDR to consider all it entails. If you don't think you're up for the challenges it will bring, it's best to not do it.

Crashtestdummy posted 3/6/2014 20:29 PM

So Thank you for the feedback.

I can always count on the SI'ers honesty. I do guess that and hour and half commute is not that long. It is funny, I come from an area that people think if you have travel more than 15 minutes you might as well be going half-way across the country; and I am better than most when it comes to this. But all of you put things in perspective, at least for me. An hour and half commute is nothing compared to the distances many of you are dealing with.

InnerLight, I was not even contemplating selling my house. I love my house and where I live. It is just a fact, that there are things with where I live that are not amicable with her wanting to come to my house. But... That does not stop me from going and seeing her.

She is a great gal! She seems to really like me and we talk every and text everyday. She is too good to let get away over a few miles. Wish me luck, because I do really like her and want this to work out. We will take it one day at a time and see where it goes.

It is funny... I dated quite a few women, and did not think I could ever feel this way again. It is both nice and scary at the same time.

EvenKeel posted 3/7/2014 12:22 PM

LDR really have more to do with your needs in a relationship then mileage.

I have no issues with LDR - have done them a few times. However, I am not a highly textile person...meaning I do not need to see my SO every day and be glued to each other every night on the couch. I dated a guy who had to be able to physically touch his partner daily - so obviously a LDR wasn't an option.

I would first analyze what you need from a partner (must haves) and work back from there. If you guys have no issues with the weekend thing - then I would stop second-guessing it.

I am seeing someone about 45 mins from me. Getting together during the week just doesn't work right now. He has full custody of his kids, as do I. Factor in kid' sports, a job, etc and it just isn't easy to coordinate a weeknight date.

What I like about geographical differences, is sometimes it helps you really get to know someone better because you do a lot of online/text communication without the physical. Sometimes I get a stronger connection that way.

So CTD....you feel you have a connection, doesn't sound like either of you are really pressuring the other for more time together, etc so I say just enjoy this phase and see what happens.

As was stated...bottomline is if it is meant to be, you will make the distance work.

Pass posted 3/7/2014 12:55 PM

Our religious backgrounds do not support living together

It could be time to re-evaluate this. A lot of people take a new look at antiquated religious values to accommodate current lifestyles.

Do you really think God would care about that? He's too busy micromanaging a universe. As long as sleepovers with each other don't involve any lying, cheating, or killing, you're probably good!