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User Topic: will never forgive AP
twitching
♀ 42399
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree with the idea that forgiving the affair partner is essential for moving on. I would have agreed with that in theory before living this nightmare, but now I know that forgiveness is really personal.

I can forgive my WH. He has worked his ass off to prove his love and devotion. I don't fully trust him yet, but the seeds of forgiveness are there.

But for OW, who cares? I feel no pressing need or obligation to forgive her. I really hate and resent my former friend, and I feel that this hate is truly permanent. I have no obligation to forgive her. She hoped for my unhappiness. She lobbied for me to divorce. No. This hate permanent. I hate her for always.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same. You owe her nothing, you are under no obligation to feel anything in particular. You simply feel, how you feel - it is what it is. It may or may not change in time. Your only obligation here is to honor your own feelings, whatever they may be.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 518 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
twitching
♀ 42399
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Iwillnot)))))))))))


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
mal2006
♀ 42296
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate both OW with a fiery passion. They're selfish, immature whores and I have wished soooo many foul things on them it's not even funny. I fantasize about their husbands leaving them (OW#2 and her BH are MH's and multiple offenders at that) and their marriages/lives falling apart like mine is. OW#2 and her BH were already immediately "moving on" and while it's none of my business it just burns me up that they're "fine" yet I want to die most of the time. OW#1 still just sashays up to WH's work every week during his break with her new H to cash his paychecks so I can't visit WH at work anymore for fear of seeing and seriously injuring her. She's one of those whores who tries to act like she's on your side yet when you plead for her to stay away from your H's work and just send her H to cash his own damn check so that you can start to have some semblance of a normal life again, it goes completely ignored. I'm not necessarily proud of it but I want to beat the living sh** out of both of them.


Me: BW 28
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 68 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you owe them nothing. I would find forgiveness extremely hard to do if the ow were a former friend. It's not really possible to never have any contact with a ws again if you have kids but I would never be in the vicinity or speak to ow again..no way.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
lovehatelove
♀ 42541
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I'll never forgive the OW either... ever...


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
LivinginLimbo
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, not happening. These are whores who prostitute themselves for free on websites that feature "no strings attached" sex. Many of them are married themselves. If they don't give a shit about their own family, they certainly couldn't care less about anyone else's.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Mar 2012
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgave the OM once. Then he and my wife had the nerve to start it up again later and actually got sexual.

I know I am supposed to forgive, but this is too much.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
spond
♂ 41686
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out, I had some blame on the AP, but as time moved on, my blame shifted more(if not all) from the AP to my fWW. IMO(from discussions with my wife), if this AP wouldn't have engaged her back, she would have found another AP that would have. So not only do I feel like I don't have blame on the AP, I don't feel I need to forgive him either.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2013
mightsurvive
♀ 38794
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After truly experiencing how difficult forgiveness is I will never ever forgive OW. I have to work really hard at forgiveness and am not there yet with WH. There is absolutely no way I will work that hard to forgive her.....EVER.


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am shooting for the same feeling I get when I see a stranger. If I find some peace with her at all, it will be for me, and solitary. She doesn't deserve anything from me.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LonelyHusband
♂ 34145
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've forgiven the AP.

It took me a couple of years to realise that forgiveness isn't something you bestow on someone else. It's something you give yourself. Forgiveness, to me, means letting go of the pain and anger. I eventually realised that the guy who called himself my friend whilst trying to get my wife into bed wasn't worth me spending any time worrying about, and the anger inside me was a poison that only caused myself pain, not him.

Would I trust him? No. Do I ever want to see him again? No. Am I angry? Not anymore. I can't be bothered to be angry. So I guess that means I have forgiven him. He was pathetic, and I was strong. He was a liar, and I was honourable. He was deceitful and I was morally strong. If anything I pity him. Which surprises me, as it was only a couple of years ago that I very seriously considered beating him to death. I'm so very glad that my anger abated.

oh, and does he understand that if he comes within arms reach of my wife again I will kick his testicles up through the roof of his head? Hell yeah. I might not be raging with fury anymore, but I AM very protective of my family.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thread talking about forgiveness mentioned a book.

How Can I Forgive You
by Janis A Springs

A must read. It provides so much insight into forgiveness how/when/why. Read it and release yourself from outdated and damaging pressures that require you to forgive. It's applicable for all sorts of issues, not just infidelity.

The previous thread that asked how they could forgive the AP was the first time I ever heard anyone suggest it needed to happen to R. It's a ridiculous notion that I obviously don't agree with.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it, LH!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
metamorphisis
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't forgive, I don't hate, I don't obsess, I don't consider her much at all. It happened. And that's about as much space as it takes in my head these days. I mean if I really concentrate on her, I get the same feeling I get from anything unpleasant. Just sort of "Bleh."
I will say though that there is no one size fits all or magic formula for getting there. I didn't know her, have to talk to her or deal with her, so perhaps that made it easier to move on. It took time, but I am there.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45389 | Registered: Sep 2006
Freebygrace
♀ 42484
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same as Spond. At first, I hated the AP. she was my friend, and had lured my WH. Right? But now I forgive her. She is broken. She will always be broken, and she is a sad person.

But my WH made vows " forsaking all others". And he should've been stronger than to fall for ego kibbles.

Now I put the blame where it rightly belongs.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I have come to realize over the years is this:
These are quotes that I have made part of my life:

"That if people could make me angry and I stay angry that they are controlling me. Why should I give someone else like that such power over my life"?

"There are 6,775,235,842 people in the world. Why are you letting one (shank)of them ruin your life"?

"One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go what is hurting your heart and soul"

There are so many more, but for myself, I have to let the anger and pain go ALONG with the HATE! I don't want to EVER be like them. I know that they will have their karma one day!
I use to feel like you but now I just feel she is a sad case for a human being. I would never want to give her that much power over me. She is NOTHING to me not even a little piece of dirt on the bottom of my shoe. She will not be part of my world any longer.

You will get there in time. Meaning, the hate will get less and less because she will mean NOTHING to you. Think of her as the devil spawn.. you wouldn't let the devil control you right?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2890 | Registered: Aug 2011
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a couple of years to realise that forgiveness isn't something you bestow on someone else. It's something you give yourself. Forgiveness, to me, means letting go of the pain and anger. I eventually realised that the guy who called himself my friend whilst trying to get my wife into bed wasn't worth me spending any time worrying about, and the anger inside me was a poison that only caused myself pain, not him.

Would I trust him? No. Do I ever want to see him again? No. Am I angry? Not anymore. I can't be bothered to be angry. So I guess that means I have forgiven him. He was pathetic, and I was strong. He was a liar, and I was honourable. He was deceitful and I was morally strong. If anything I pity him. Which surprises me, as it was only a couple of years ago that I very seriously considered beating him to death. I'm so very glad that my anger abated.

oh, and does he understand that if he comes within arms reach of my wife again I will kick his testicles up through the roof of his head? Hell yeah. I might not be raging with fury anymore, but I AM very protective of my family.

In the book this is described as acceptance. Real forgiveness needs to be earned. You can accept without any involvement of the person who wronged you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll forgo any semantics and just say it ain't ever going to happen. I've hated the AP before I even knew him. He's the type of man I've never had any respect for: a user, a trophy collector, who is only after the conquest without consequence. He screws a lot of women, because he won the genetic lottery. But he has no concept of honor, loyalty, or consideration for others. He's a magnet for poor boundaries, willing to exploit them. He's a sad excuse for a member of society wrapped in a uniform that he borrows credibility from without deserving it. He's one of the most disgusting types of men I know.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just minimize the energy I spend on ow. I won't forgive her, because I won't spend that energy on her. I don't hate her, either, and I've given up most of my anger at her - same thing: I minimize energy devoted to her.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10754 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 44
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