Back in those days I really didn’t believe what I was doing would ever impact my family. The same old wayward crap reasoning, i.e.” as long as no one knows then no one gets hurt”. Not true then and certainly not true now that my BS knows every detail about my LTA.
So the photo came down from our house along with every other photo of me and my wife together. I repurposed this one to my new home (we’re separated) to remind myself of the damage I have done and the goal I am pursuing with every ounce of energy I have. My hope, the hope I pray for every day, is to get even the tiniest chance at R with my wife and to rebuild our family. I would NOT squander that gift and with the humility, remorse and new behaviors I have discovered over the last four months since DDay, I am ready, willing and able to be the selfless loving husband and father my family needs.
But it doesn’t matter.
I’m a wayward who has put in limbo by his BS and every day my hope dwindles. The photo seems more like a relic of a time gone by than anything that could exist in the future. I’m in the dark at all times, I have no idea what my wife is doing with her life, her health, her friends, her feelings, anything. Every day I get a little bit better at emotionally detaching from her, but it’s tough, SO TOUGH, as she is the only woman I have ever loved.
Our mutual friends that know don’t help at all. One will give me hope that “it just takes time, keep doing what I’m doing to protect my BS and take care of the kids” and 5 min later another one will put me in a complete panic by telling me “Your BS is preparing to make war with the bloodiest D you can imagine. So watch out and get ready with your own lawyers.” The emotional roller coaster of these friendships is also something I have to detach from – I can’t take the ups and downs of everyone voting about the future of my marriage and family.
So after 4 months we’re absolutely no where getting worse. My BS won’t talk to me, she can’t be in the same room with me, we have a single MC session once a month to check in, and I made the mistake of inviting her to something I was doing with the kids this weekend where she just killed me, reminding me she “has no interest in any outing that involves me”. This all makes sense of course as my actions in the LTA were horrific. The details she has access to (over a year of emails) are enough to emotionally kill a person 20 times over. Obviously she doesn’t want to “play family” in the state she is in.
But can I imagine that she will ever want to play family again? As the days roll on and we get farther and farther apart it’s getting harder and harder to imagine how she would ever be interested in R. I’m not dropping any balls mind you, my actions are rock solid consistent and every single promise I made to her (5 pages worth) during the separation are intact and will remain intact. However, at this stage in the game I find myself praying less and less for hope at R and more and more praying that when she finally decides to start the D, we can do it amicably and spare the kids the horrors of a bloody battle.
I’m NOT giving up – exactly the opposite as I reminded myself this morning that losing hope has nothing to do with my RESPONSIBILITIES to care for my children, my family and most of all, to keep my BS safe. I just needed to share that this feels like my darkest hour as nothing I do seems to make any difference to my BS and I really wonder how long the limbo will last.
I will soon be in your situation, we are preparing for a trial separation in the next few months.
I know there are painful times ahead so I feel for what you are going through.
Distance yourself from those friends, they aren't helping. Keep this in mind;
How would your BW feel if you weren't doing everything you are at the moment? What would her reaction be if you gave up, stopped working on yourself, trying for R and just walked away?
Although it seems hopeless today, my betting is that she would actually be devastated.
You are on the right path, keep on it. Are you keeping a journal? I find it so helpful when talking to BH isn't possible. My journal is set out as letters to him. He can read it whenever he is ready.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I also seem to remember that you have plans in place to discuss the future with your wife at the six month point - I'd wait until then if I were you and hear it from her in person. It's true that sometimes this is just a deal breaker and you do have to prepare yourself that that may eventually happen, but I'm glad that you are not thinking of giving up your goal of being the best man you can be for yourself, your wife and your kids whatever happens in your marriage. That is the best gift you can give to yourself...and to your wife and boys too in the long run. It is a shame that the strict no contact means that your wife is not actually getting to see these changes but sadly that is out of your control - although for all you know, she could be getting reports from those same mutual friends..and that could be a good or bad thing. Who knows? Like you say, you are in the dark. But you just have to keep plugging on pfh for yourself first and foremost.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard day.
Correct, we agreed to a 6 month trial separation so somehow that is the first real check point we'll have on where our marriage will be headed.
I don't think you can really time box emotions, as you both know well, but it will be important for us actually to talk at the 6 month mark so we share what the next step is.
And yes, I really can't imagine what would be happening if I just left the marriage and walked out forever. It never crossed my mind EVER but from reading the other forums, I can understand how that would only make this situation 100X worse...
Please try to remember that it's not over until she says it is. Right now keep focused on your path of healing and pray for the courage and strength you need to keep you on it.
Are you exercising? My IC recommended that to me as a physical way of getting my emotions out and dealing with them, and that might be helpful to you too.
Is there any way that your priest or IC would be willing to give say monthly reports on the progress you are making to your BS? Is that something she would be open to receiving?
May God give you strength, courage and grace on this difficult journey.
To your questions:
I started Yoga 3 months ago and it really helps a lot. I also have gotten into the odd habit of taking looooong walks and talking to myself. This felt odd to me when it started by my IC encouraged it and I just do it now.
I also used to play a lot of golf, but I am scared to get back on the course just yet because it feels like the "old me". I can't describe where that is coming from since I never did anything bad around a golf course, but somehow it was part of my facade in the past...
I love your approach on my BS getting some updates from IC or my priest, but thus far she has explicitly stated she wants to know NOTHING about my process. As you can imagine, this doesn't help my hope levels either but I just have to stay focused on the positive things, avoid the negative triggers and wait. It's not over until it's over and that is the most important thing right now...thanks for reminding me.
Random thought - I am so looking forward to tomorrow as I have my priest and a 2 hour special IC session we scheduled to make up for the vacation I took. I need to keep digging!
I know how you feel, being in limbo makes every day a struggle. It's hard for me to focus my mind on anything other than my BS and family.
My buddy in AA keeps telling me the obsessive thoughts stop when I decide they will. Sometimes I have to just say "stop it" to myself and move my mind to something else.
You've seen my struggles, we were really at the brink of calling it quits about 2 weeks ago. I think it scared us more than we realized it would. My BS took a leap of faith and I feel like we've moved to the next level in our R. She talks about our future, our contract for me moving back in, etc. We're both going outside our comfort zones to accommodate the other.
It was really tough before this, I felt like we had gone back 3 or 4 months and was detaching. But... I didn't give up, I kept faith in our bond and us. I know you are hurting right now, but you'll never get the chance if you throw in the towel. Good things can happen and you're getting emotionally stronger with every passing week.
Try to focus on other things like work and hobbies, right now it feels like some more time needs to pass so she can sort things out for herself. Be happy that you haven't gotten the Axe yet, it could always be worse...
It's not over till its over, I'm sure your efforts aren't going unnoticed. All in good time
That being said, I will never give up. I am working in every way I know on myself, my relationship with my kids and trying to protect my BS.