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Caught vs Confession - WS Welcome

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LostSamurai posted 3/6/2014 08:47 AM

Does being caught in the affair make a difference vs confessing the affair?

My WW was caught then confessed.
She showed regret, but not remorse in my opinion.

If she had confessed like she did the first time this would probably be a different scenario.

Now that she got caught by OMW, it feels like she is such a different person.

rachelc posted 3/6/2014 08:57 AM

Lost - I caught my husband at two. While it doesn't make the concept of "affair" any better or worse when it comes to trust, confession goes a long way. When you know someone can come to you with a difficult thing - well, that's brings you one step closer to knowing they can live authentically.

I told my husband I had sex with two other guys (one was a rape but that's another story). Not sure how it can get any worse than that.
It will stick in my craw for a while (maybe forever) that he didn't confess. I need to get to the bottom of this and figure out if I can't get past this fact. I'm not sure it would bother other BS's. But it bothers the heck out of me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:58 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

LostSamurai posted 3/6/2014 09:24 AM

It bothers me a lot. The reason she only confessed is because she got caught and the OMW threaten to tell me.

And in my mind, and what a lot of people have been asking, if she didn't get caught how long would this have gone on?

Freebygrace posted 3/6/2014 09:29 AM

It matters to me. If WH would've ended it on his own and confessed, I would feel so much better. Instead I caught him. To his credit, when I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes. And that is the moment I lost my mind and my world turned black.

RyeBread posted 3/6/2014 09:29 AM

My WW confessed. I still wonder why to this day because she is not remorseful. Maybe she wanted to hurt me, maybe she wanted to get it off her conscience, who knows. I knew something was going on but had no proof, I just knew. So when she told me it was almost a relief. It was confirmation I wasn't going crazy.

Does it make it any better to have her tell me? I don't think so. But I am sure if I found out and busted her I might see it different. In the end whether the WW told me or not, she still has to do the same amount of work to fix her issues. Telling me only saved me the confrontation that I might of had to have but the hurt and anger are still there. It's all a shit sandwich. And a shit sandwich with chocolate sprinkles is still a shit sandwich.

alifeforesaken posted 3/6/2014 09:55 AM

I would have preferred a confession for sure. I would have been equally as hurt, but at least a confession would have meant more to me. An effort perhaps, the effort that may be too late, but an effort still? Even if it was just regret or guilt at first. Like you said, I often wonder how long it would have continued if I didn't catch him.

It is something I still bring up, that makes building trust harder, because I don't know if he would ever come to me in a tough situation. Maybe IC can help that.

LostSamurai posted 3/6/2014 09:57 AM

I feel my WW is just cold now. She seems like she is trying to come to her senses but at the same time she is still blame shifting and making excuses.

Pass posted 3/6/2014 10:02 AM

According to The Princess, she never did anything wrong. Even the stuff that I KNOW about, she says never happened. I have no idea if things would be easier if she'd confessed.

rachelc posted 3/6/2014 10:04 AM

I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes.

and mine said no. I asked both times. I went crazy the second time knowing something was going on. He said, "call her and ask her," referring to OW1. Well, it was OW2. I need to get off this thread.

rachelc posted 3/6/2014 10:04 AM

I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes.

and mine said no. I asked both times. I went crazy the second time knowing something was going on. He said, "call her and ask her," referring to OW1. Well, it was OW2. I need to get off this thread.

Uhtred posted 3/6/2014 10:54 AM

It makes a difference to me. During my wayward wife's year long affair I poured my heart out to her letting her know that things weren't right between us.

She callously lied to me without remorse or shame that nothing was wrong and that she was in love with me.

She forced my hand in catching her and now I'm supposed to just accept that she is sorry and wants to change for the betterment of us.

I believe things would be different if she would've broken down and admitted her terrible decisions. It sucks to know that the one you loved the most loved what they were doing more than they loved you.

I would've preferred a confession after the initial mistake was made. It would've shown me true sorrow. Now I am left listening to the regret.

obliquestrat posted 3/6/2014 11:07 AM

I caught, and not out of suspicion. Just totally blindsided.

According to "Not Just Friends" and other sources, confessions have a better chance of reconciliation.

sisoon posted 3/6/2014 11:36 AM

Now that she got caught by OMW, it feels like she is such a different person.

Sorry - did something happen in the past few days or weeks that I missed?

My W confessed when I asked her for, IIRC, the 4th time over a 4 month period. She said, and I believe, she confessed because she had decided end the A, and she expected ow to out her.

So I don't know if she confessed or was caught.

I believe the big distinction is the WS's response on and after D-Day. Remorseful words backed up by remorseful behaviors make R possible. Lack of remorse makes R impossible. Slow development of remorse makes R more difficult.

I don't know if the response is correlated with the way the A is outed.

CantLoseHope posted 3/6/2014 11:38 AM

my WH confessed and to me it makes a difference, I don't know if I would be willing to reconcile if I had caught him .

Morhurt posted 3/6/2014 11:55 AM

I found out (DDay#1) from OBS, he phoned me and told me. I think AP got caught on purpose (was hoping to snag my H). However 6 weeks later my H confessed to much, much more. So unfortunately I (we) have a lot of affair crap to deal with BOTOH he had no reason except wanting to be honest and have a fresh start and be true to R, to tell me. It helps (in a very painful kind of way). If I had had to find out each thing on my own... there would be zero faith in his ability to be honest, having him cough up to it all, knowing that I very well may have walked straight out the door, that means a lot.

BtraydWife posted 3/6/2014 12:22 PM

While it doesn't make the concept of "affair" any better or worse when it comes to trust, confession goes a long way.

I agree with this. I caught my husband. It haunted me for a long time how far things would've gone if I hadn't caught him.

It still would've hurt deeply but it would also have meant something significant to me if he had confessed.

I don't think it was possible in my case though. I caught him early enough, he still believed he had done nothing wrong because they hadn't had sex.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:24 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

LifeIsTooWeird posted 3/6/2014 13:13 PM

I asked mine point blank 3 times while the affair was active, he said no each time. When he confessed, roughly 4 months after it ended, he expressed disappointment that I didn't figure it out. If I ask and you say no, it's my duty to take you at your word, it is not your duty to lie and then get disappointed because I didn't "figure it out". I don't think it would have been better if I caught him, because I told myself during that time if I found hard core proof he was lying I was done. In the months before confession his personality change was like night and day, I knew whatever it was was over, and I told myself again if he ever confessed I was done. Those words were the first thing out of my mouth the night he did confess, but within the next few hours I went back and fourth, fourth and back again so many times. I still question why he actually told me, because he didn't have to at that point, things were returning to normal. I thought for so long he only told me so I'd kick him out and that may very well have been his mindset at the time. But he said he confessed because I needed to know and he wasn't sure what my reaction would be, but was prepared for whatever I decided to do. I sometimes get angry at myself when I think back on all the lies and all the truths I KNEW and I did nothing but tell myself you're crazy, he'd never do that to you. I wrestle with putting that much trust in him again, but then I remember that he confessed when he didn't have to, I remember he is not the person he acted like while in the affair. I haven't let my guard down by a long shot, but I'm working on it. If I'd caught him, I would be gone and he may have seen the error of his ways sooner rather than later, but I would've been bitter much much longer if I would've caught him. So, in my mind, confession shows remorse and a desire to work together to erase the hurt.

BAMAC posted 3/6/2014 13:13 PM

The confession didn't didn't seem any better to me. She confessed and wouldn't end it. So I ended up home alone, knowing she was out fucking some other guy.

As far as trust goes, she didn't actually end it until four months after she said she would.

I think the attitude upon confession/being caught makes more of a difference.

Tearsoflove posted 3/6/2014 13:49 PM

I had one of each. He confessed the first time and the second time I was called by the husband of the OW. Both were horribly painful and, really, it didn't matter if he confessed because he still lied for a very long time until that point. The confession didn't make him some honest, upstanding person. It just made him a liar who decided to finally tell the truth. When the second affair came to light, it actually was easier to come to terms with because, by then, I already knew he had the capacity to lie.

To me, the only way a confession would have been easier would be if he confessed when he developed an attraction to either woman so we could have worked through that before he cheated. And if he didn't realize where it was going until something physical happened, he could have told me after the first time and we could have worked through that. Instead, he continued the affair and further compounded the lying and damage. Once it goes past those initial betrayals, I feel that it no longer matters if I found out through confession or his being caught. The continued, lengthy lying was devastating either way.

tearingaway posted 3/6/2014 14:32 PM

My WW confessed...three whole years after it was over. She said that she had to tell me because I had been so good to her and it was too difficult for her to keep it a secret anymore.

Of course, I knew something was wrong had been wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I learned that she had a fuckation with a co-worker while away at a conference they both attended for work. Life has never been the same since D-Day.

Had I found out by any means other than a confession, I think I would have just gone for D. Instead, I chose to R. To this day, I still think I should have D because my WW never owned her shit.

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