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Why is the A so consuming??!

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lovehatelove posted 3/6/2014 09:04 AM

There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about the fact that my H had sex with another woman... it was something he swore throughout our whole marriage that I would NEVER have to worry about... I believed him 100%!!!!!

I'm a year out from Dday, and it's on my thoughts nearly 24/7.. when will it end??!

I think about the friends I've lost in the last year bc of WH's A.. I think about all the lies he told me.... I think about how I would tell him stories about other men cheating on their wives and how he said it was fucked up!! little did I know, that as I was telling him these stories, HE was fucking someone else........

I think about the cyber sex I read between him and the OW.. I think about the I love yous that were said... I think about all the hurt...

Why can't I think about the good times we have..? why can't I look to the future? why is his A consuming my thoughts?

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 9:41 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

Uhtred posted 3/6/2014 11:21 AM

I'm with you on this. It is an all consuming thing when you love someone so much that you live in a constant state of disbelief.

My wife tried to remind me of all the good memories that we've made over our time together. I had to stop and let her know that all of those good memories were now tainted by this ugly thing she has done.

I wish I had an answer to the question myself.

BtraydWife posted 3/6/2014 11:49 AM

What has your WH been doing to help you heal and what has he been doing to examine himself?

NoMorDeceit posted 3/6/2014 12:08 PM

I think it is because it is so wounding. April 6th is 5 years out for me. I had to stop and think of the actual date for a minute. I knew it was April but the date escaped me. It will eventually for you too.

Time is your best friend in this. I won't lie, it still comes into my mind, but it isn't consuming or that white hot burning pain it used to be. My husband's affairs spanned our entire relationship from dating through marriage...so every good memory was really tainted and destroyed. We started over from zero pretty much.

Give yourself time. One year out I was still shell shocked, year 2 and 3 I got mad, really mad...year 4 was a transition year to more acceptance and peace and year 5 has come in like a lamb.

So there is hope. Hang in there.

lovehatelove posted 3/7/2014 00:58 AM

Thank you for your responses...

Uhtred

all of those good memories were now tainted by this ugly thing she has done.

This is very true.... we even got rid of our wedding rings bc they are now tainted.....

btraydWife

What has your WH been doing to help you heal and what has he been doing to examine himself?

He listens to me when I am feeling sad about the A.. he's transparent.. we actually communicate now... he's remorseful.. he's doing everything right, for me...

Now, it's a different story with him... he hasn't gone to IC or anything (neither have I.. but I have been wanting to call to make an appt, but I'm scared to bc I've had bad luck with IC in the past).. he just said the memories of her are gone... not buried and can be brought up again, just gone! not sure how that's possible....

Nomordeceit

Give yourself time. One year out I was still shell shocked, year 2 and 3 I got mad, really mad...year 4 was a transition year to more acceptance and peace and year 5 has come in like a lamb.

then these next 4 years better FLY bc I'm so emotionally exhausted

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/7/2014 02:07 AM

Well, I can relate to the op. After twenty five years her affair is still on my mind every day. My fww tells me that she is still haunted every day that she did what she did. The pain is still with us even though we are still very much in love with each other.
The destruction wrought by an affair is incalculable. I still do not completely trust her and 100% trust will never be regained. She knows this and accepts it as part of the price she will pay for the rest of our lives.
The pedestal that I had placed her on for twenty years was a long way from ground level and hitting the ground was extremely painful for her. I will never, ever put her there again.
The price that she paid was sooooo damned high. In her own words, "my heart is broken and I will never know what might have been. "
I still love her very much. She is my best friend.

joannie posted 3/7/2014 06:39 AM

i agree, the good times we had are tainted now, looking forwards is hard not to worry, wish I was old looking back on the good times together knowing we made it...is this abnormal.Glad to hear in time it softens though, we are all there for each other, this helps

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