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TheBatCave posted 3/6/2014 12:45 PM

I was cheating on BW for nearly 2years...with multiple partners. She recently found my alternate email and discovered what I had been doing. From there TT had started, at first I lied about everything....but ive since started coming clean. How do I keep my sanity and show bw that I have started the change to be a better man? I am seeing IC, we had a couple MC sessions and we generally live each others company. Im trying to give her motication to stay. I guess I need help showing her that I am a good man still.

LosferWords posted 3/6/2014 15:34 PM

Hello, and welcome to SI, The BatCave.

You mentioned that you have "started" coming clean with your wife. Does she know everything? Healing can't really start until she knows everything.

Keep up with the IC and the MC. A good IC will challenge you, and help you dig deep into the issues that caused you to allow yourself to cheat.

I'm going to bump a thread for you that is a really helpful starting point, called "Things that every WS needs to know".

Others will be along for advice as well.

You have come to the right place to help keep you on that path of healing. Best of luck to you!

Lmw9808 posted 3/6/2014 15:40 PM

It is good you are in IC to work on your issues that enabled you to have your A. As for helping your BS I can say from experience TT is the worst. It is very difficult to get it all out but it is so important to the healing process. I TTed in the beginning and withheld previous ONS. This set our recovery back and nearly killed all possibility. I dont know about everyone but I thought telling all would make things worse but it actually made things better. I did not do it willingly and that makes things worse as well. Get ready for a long ride as it is going to take years to fully recover from the damage you have caused your BS. Be open and supportive to whatever your BS needs to heal. Ask what they need so you know. It will likely change often in the beginning.

Kelany posted 3/6/2014 16:12 PM

Tell her EVERYTHING now. Anything you withhold will kill her and your marriage slowly.

TheBatCave posted 3/6/2014 16:24 PM

Here is the honest issue....the cheating was so broad and so frequent that I cant remember all of the peopl. Our count right now is 23 people.

awoel88 posted 3/6/2014 18:23 PM

If you honestly, HONESTLY, cant recall everything, then be as open and honest about what you do remember. Allow your BS full access to your emails, texts you might still have, pictures, phone records, etc. Answer all their questions as best as you possibly can. Offer information before she has to dig for it. Spill it. All of it. As bad as it might sound and as much as you think more information will hurt her. She needs and deserves to know. Its the only way she can even begin to consider R. Tell her how much you regret it and how much she means to you, be genuine.

TheBatCave posted 3/6/2014 18:31 PM

I have been doimg just that, im just trying to be there for her right now, I know this is a long road and I have tje patience but at the same time I feel lost because I dont remember the times ive cheated...and even I think it aounds like a lie. I just dont want to be dishonest with her...but she is uncovering things I forgot about, I guess I just need advice on how to be honest with forgotten affairs.

LosferWords posted 3/6/2014 18:44 PM

One tool that might be helpful is a written timeline of your affairs. The thing is with the timeline, it can be a "working document" that you continue to update as details come back to your memory, or as you and your wife dig into your electronic history and start putting together the pieces.

The main thing, like awoel88 said, is to be completely open and honest with her. With that many affairs, there are bound to be memory lapses... unless you have a photographic memory, that's pretty much inevitable.

Definitely be 100% honest, open, and transparent with her. Maybe you can address this in IC as well? Ask your IC if there are any methods that can help spark your memory.

lieshurt posted 3/6/2014 20:52 PM

How did you meet the people you cheated with? Was it a website? personal ads? Did you use a different email address to contact people? Separate phone? Did you go out to eat with any of them? Travel with them? Meet them at a favorite place? Have hobbies in common?

Start thinking about these things to help jog your memory and write the timeline.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 3/6/2014 21:09 PM

I have a LOT of questions:

You say your count right now is 23 people in 2 years? Is that correct? With many that you've forgotten? Were there any LTAs mixed in with that?

How long have you been M? Did you cheat before M?

Did you cheat in prior relationships?

Edited to add (ETA): LTA = Long Term Affair
Also, I'll probably have a lot of questions, once these are answered. The more information we (here at SI) have about your situation, the better we'll be able to help you. Just know that there's really nothing we haven't seen here and we really want to help you work through this and try to save your M.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 9:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

TheBatCave posted 3/8/2014 21:04 PM

We have been married for 7 years now. I did not cheat before M. Never cheated before. I forgot many of the 23 and feel terrible becausr I feel dishonest for not remembering.

LosferWords posted 3/8/2014 21:35 PM

BatCave... another thing to pursue is the "why" of the affairs. What kind of work have you done with that, and have you figured out why you cheated? Digging for that answer can provide some level of comfort to your BS, because when you figure out the elusive answer to the question of why you did this, you can also come up with reasons why you will not do this again.

It takes a lot of digging, and the answers may seem really superficial at first, and that is okay. Take that first answer, and ask yourself why you felt that way, and continue to dig down from there.

Overall, how are things going on the home front, and how is your wife taking all of this and processing it?

I'm glad you are posting here. This is a good step in the right direction. We're here to help.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 3/8/2014 21:37 PM

Hmmm... something must have happened. What changed?

Did you experience a loss (like a parent or sibling)?

Did you get into drugs or alcohol?

How were you in a position to cheat 1+ times per month? Was this related to your job? (meaning: Do you travel for work?)

As far as your request for advice, the best thing you can do, at this point, is dig down deep and try to figure out how this happened- and that's usually NOT an easy task. Many here have done it, though, and you can do it, too!

SpotlessMind posted 3/8/2014 23:26 PM

Hi BatCave--

I'm glad you found SI. I hope you are willing to do the work necessary to fix yourself, and ultimately, your marriage.

Coming clean and being fully transparent are both priorities. Give your BS access and passwords to all email accounts, phones, social media, etc.

I have to say, without judging, that 23 partners in 2 years sounds much higher than the norm. I'm wondering..did you have sex with prostitutes/escorts/strippers? Someone with more knowledge will come along and comment, I'm sure, but I have to gently suggest that the number of partners could be a flag for sexual addiction issues? I would definitely try to get into IC as soon as possible.

I wish you the best in the healing process.

TheBatCave posted 3/9/2014 09:42 AM

The possibility of SA is the driving reason behind why im in IC.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 3/9/2014 13:47 PM

SA is a progressive thing.

You can take the test at

There is also a place where you and your wife can do a free self-guided recovery program and that's here:

william posted 3/9/2014 14:06 PM

im a betrayed spouse. i can assure you that the affairs hurt your spouse badly. but it is the trickle truth that will kill your spouse. nothing is more painful than to get version 1 and a promise "thats it" until version 2 comes out. it causes your spouse to continually have to adjust to more and more stuff, it rips them apart. just tell the truth - in on setting, at one time, and make sure you tell everything and what you tell is 100% honest with NOTHING held back.
ive been through 4 D-Days. it would have been much easier on me to find it all out on d-day 1. the trickle truth destroyed alot of trust, more even than the multiple affairs she carried on over a long period.
if you listen to nothing else listen to this -> divulge it ALL and do it NOW.

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