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How Do You Kiss?

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PeaceLove187 posted 3/6/2014 13:29 PM

Long story short--my husband pecks and I want long slow kisses. I'm not asking for a make-out session every time we kiss but the only time I get much more than a peck is during sex. Obviously if he can kiss more sensually during sex then he does know how, right? Yes, I've asked him for more sensual kisses but I haven't nagged about it and it's been a long time since I said anything. And I try to soften my kisses and hope he follows my lead but that doesn't work.

Is this just what married couples do? Is it normal for kisses outside the bedroom to be closed-mouth pecks instead of the soft ones I crave? Am I expecting too much? Or is this just one more symptom of the intimacy issues that contributed to his As?

How do you guys kiss?

Jrazz posted 3/6/2014 13:36 PM

I don't think there's ANY standard for this. How does he respond when you ask him about this? I think it's good to communicate your needs, but you certainly shouldn't have to nag.

Who initiates kissing? Maybe if you kinda surprise attacked him one night - like took charge, you could coax him into playing along? Just a thought. He may have post-A issues that need to get worked out.

(Personally, we have the opposite issue here. Crazz wants to makeout like we are teenagers in the back of a car and I'm like "I need to BREATHE, man!")

I think that every couple comes across a kissing style snag once in a while. Creativity will hopefully be a key to enhancing the menu.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:36 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

lovedmesomehim posted 3/6/2014 13:43 PM

It's me. I am the guilty one.

I do not want more than a peck.

My husband likes to kiss and while he is kissing me, my mind wanders until I stumble upon an unpleasant memory.

I keep meaning to improve. I hadn't thought of it as an intimacy issue, but you could be right in our case.

PeaceLove187 posted 3/6/2014 13:44 PM

Jrazz--This isn't a post-A thing. Earlier this week a memory floated up from decades ago where his mother had mentioned how when you get kissed by those big lips (his dad had big lips as well) that you KNOW you've been kissed. I remember thinking even then--nah, not so much.

If I do mention it then he's better for a day or two but I'm TOTALLY jealous of your makeout sessions!

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 1:45 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

PeaceLove187 posted 3/6/2014 13:45 PM

Loved Me--do you think you have intimacy issues or is your wandering mind a post-A thing?

GabyBaby posted 3/6/2014 13:46 PM

We tend to give quick kisses on a day to day basis, but there are a lot of them.

I can usually cajole H out of a "mood" by being playful/flirty and longer kisses work well in this instance. For example, I'll "manhandle him" by grabbing his shirt and stealing a good solid kiss.
He does similar with me (catch me around the waist in passing and plants a good one).
Its always that much nicer because it is unexpected.

Ascendant posted 3/6/2014 13:51 PM

I'm sorry for the T/J!!! The title made me think of Mallrats!!!

Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

T/j over

For me, it totally depends on the situation. I like to surprise my wife before work sometimes with a long, slow kiss where a peck would be more time-appropriate...but most of the time I'm ok with a smooch/peck during the normal course of the day.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/6/2014 13:55 PM

I like both and it depends on what we are doing. But, to be honest. I am the kisser and he is not. I am the hugger and he is not. I am the hand holder and he is not. I am the cuddle dud and he is not.

He likes to pat the ass all the time.. Says that is how he shows love.

WOW, I don't get crap! Would that be consider intimacy issue?

Rebreather posted 3/6/2014 13:55 PM

When I get the peck and I want more, I have two strategies.

1. I say, "whad am I, yah mothah?"

2. I grab him by his shirt from and kiss him proper.

I also just told him straight up, "I really, really like it when you take a moment to just kiss me a bit more purposely." We have an agreement than whenever one of us comes home to the other, we go to the other and kiss them welcome. So we get lots of practice.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/6/2014 13:57 PM

We have an agreement than whenever one of us comes home to the other, we go to the other and kiss them welcome. So we get lots of practice.

I wish I had that. I love that however. Good for you.

Jrazz posted 3/6/2014 14:00 PM

I'm TOTALLY jealous of your makeout sessions!

I really shouldn't have come off as complaining, and I didn't mean to rub it in your face. Honestly, it can be a bit too much sometimes but I am grateful that he's that interested too.

Peace, is it at all possible to just pin him down? Has he said that he doesn't want to kiss like that, or are you just waiting for him to do it? I know about the 1-2x followthrough and then not much after program. With kissing, I think it's more about what you do while you're there than who started it.

Just thinking out loud. You said you "soften [your] kisses" hoping he will follow suit. If he's never said that he doesn't like intense kissing, maybe you just need to launch a full scale attack.

PeaceLove187 posted 3/6/2014 14:05 PM

I like Rebreather's approach:

When I get the peck and I want more, I have two strategies.
1. I say, "whad am I, yah mothah?"

2. I grab him by his shirt from and kiss him proper.

Obviously I need to get A LOT more direct with my H. We do kiss often, it's just rarely an intense kiss. He does have to reciprocate, though, if I'm going to kiss him proper or I just end up getting his lips slobbery. Yeah, that has happened.

lovedmesomehim posted 3/6/2014 16:03 PM

Sigh. I don't know, PeaceLove...maybe I have the intimacy issues, now.

My husband has always liked kissing, but he was never too good at it. I am being honest.

Then, all of a sudden, he was GREATLY improved. This was before D Day. It made me pause and I thought, "Hmmmm. Something is different...Finally, he has caught on, after all of these years! Yay me!"

I'd always TRIED to help him with his technique and had been trying since we were TEENS!

I am sad to say, that I think the OW was his ultimate teacher...This "knowledge" breaks my heart and I don't want his kisses now.

I've never voiced this. EVER. I don't
know what I'm going to do with this newfound admission for myself, but I am happy you brought it up.

RippedSoul posted 3/6/2014 16:25 PM

For us, it's really about variety. Often, it's just a peck. Other times, it's multiple pecks in a row (with some smiles in between) or one gentle kiss or a longer, more involved :) kiss. And there is MUCH, MUCH touching. That's his love language and it doesn't just mean sex. He's always needed to touch--and not just erogenous zones. It's playing with my hair, hugging me, rubbing my arm, running his hand up my leg, etc.

Really, as you know, everyone is different. But you want more from him and that's legit. So you need some strategies. I'm not sure I can give you ones that'll lead to long, slow kisses. But there might be some sweet, natural-feeling ideas to get him to give more affection.

When I want more, I tell him. My husband likes light and flirty, so all I have to do (when I want more than the peck) is to say, "Is that all?" Or "That was just what I needed right now--except more of it," and start a longer kiss. Or just ask, "More, please," and purse my lips. Or, "Mmmmm, that was delicious. More?" Or simply pull his head back down and give him a bunch of pecks all over his face (tip of his nose included). If he's sitting on the couch and I'm leaving for something, I might give a quick peck, then follow up with another to his forehead. If he's giving me a hug, I like to kiss him under his chin. There are so many ways to create more intimacy.

Do any of those sound like they'd work for you? Getting longer, slower kisses might be a long-term goal with more frequency/variety of the other kind a means to an end. Good luck!

If you can get him to read something about it, I can suggest a book whose author/methodology is pretty reviled here (for some good reasons) but whose book "His Needs, Her Needs" has two great chapters that are eye-opening. One is for women to read about their husband's need for sex. One is for men to read about their wife's need for affection. I think there is A LOT of wisdom in those two chapters.

:)

PeaceLove187 posted 3/6/2014 17:29 PM

LovedMeSomeóIím sorry if my question brought up some unhappy thoughts but I definitely understand how you feel. My first thought is that you should tell your H how you feel, but that would mean admitting to him that he was previously lacking in the kissing department and of course he will feel uncomfortable with that assessment. Still, I think itís worth a shot. Itís natural to resent the source of his newfound kissing skills and thereís no reason why you should bear the burden alone. I was quiet too often in our marriage and Iím still learning to speak up for myself.

staystrong101 posted 3/6/2014 17:41 PM

This was a problem in our M. My XWH, married 24 years, was a terrible kisser. Terrible. I tried to talk to him about it, show him how to kiss, etc. I think it was an intimacy issue and kissing was too personal for him. Also he was usually drunk, which was another issue. He would smash his mouth on me and breathe right in my face. I think you can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you by the way they kiss.

GabyBaby posted 3/6/2014 17:57 PM

It made me pause and I thought, "Hmmmm. Something is different...

Lovedmesomehim, I have a similar experience, only in reverse.
XWH and I married at 18yrs of age. I'd always enjoyed kissing him and he/we had great technique together.
Fast forward 15+ years (and multiple OW later), when I thought we were in yet another round of R.
He started doing this "dead fish" thing with his tongue when we kissed. Basically his tongue would just be sitting in my mouth like a lump- No movement or anything. Needless to say, it was a huge turn off.
That was a major clue that something wasn't right, but I dismissed it at the time.
Ugh!

wildbananas posted 3/6/2014 18:14 PM

Personally, when things weren't great with ex-asshat, kissing was one of the first things to go. It was totally an intimacy thing... that and I didn't feel safe with him like I was supposed to.

That's the reverse of your sitch, though... do you think he maybe feels some A guilt and that's holding him back? Or has this always been an issue?

I think I can posted 3/6/2014 18:27 PM

lovedmesomehim--I'd tell him. You could say, that he kissed different and you liked it, and now you are sad and kinda grossed out. And you guys can be sad together for a bit and then maybe that will help you.

Peace--Although mostly we do lots of kissing and groping (our poor kids ) he is distracted sometimes and I have to say--I want a real kiss. We have a thing now where we make out a little before he leaves for work. It started as a connection thing before he went off to the scene of the crime where OW still works. Now it's a routine. Maybe you could start a routine every day like that?

"whad am I, yah mothah?" love it.

stunnedin12 posted 3/6/2014 19:07 PM

Years ago (pre affair) wh and I had the habit of kissing for a full 15-20 seconds. We started by setting the timer. It doesn't sound like much time, but it is amazing how much kissing you can get in in 15-20 seconds.

Now --- eh.

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