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Found out yesterday (3/5) and so confused

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bglass1 posted 3/6/2014 15:18 PM

So I don't know where to start, or what to say except I am so alone right now and have nobody to talk to.
My fiance and I have lived as if married for quite a long time. We have a house together, vehicles, dogs, mixed finances, and raise our 5 kids together as a family (2 from me and 3 from him).
We've both been married before and both been cheated on multiple times. I have never been unfaithful to anyone and neither has he (I do believe him). I've also been physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abused in the past.
I work PRN as an RN, he works for a towing company and goes to school full time at night. However we do have very liberal and flexible schedules that allow us to travel and do all kinds of things that most 30 year olds can't do. We are lucky and life is perfect. Our kids are between ages 5 and 10 but we don't have any together. The past year we have blossomed, I've never felt love like this before. We were so happy and have everything we ever wanted.
He asked me to marry him on Feb 15th. Our wedding is September 6. Even though we aren't legally married we have lived as if we are. My bridesmaids are flying in on the 16th to do wedding dress shopping and planning. He's been almost more involved in the wedding planning than I have.
Yesterday I caught him texting a woman from school, long story short, he has been having an affair with her in her car after classes since early February (very shortly before he asked me to marry him). We spent all day talking about it until 5am this morning when I finally took benedryl to make me sleep.
I do feel as though we made a lot of progress. I also contacted her and spoke with her (calmly and rationally). I am not a yeller, screamer, or fighter.
She is married to an Army man (God Bless Him) and she is 42. My fiance is 30. It finally came out that the reason is because I am not interactive enough during sex, and I don't give very good oral sex, which flabbergasts me because I don't really do that at ALL because he always told me he didn't like getting it.
He also said that he was in the middle of ending it and he hated himself the whole time because he knows he found the perfect woman in me and that he was screwing up. I believe him. I love him, I love the life we've built together. I finally felt like I was on solid ground and completely fulfilled before this happened. Now I'm shattered, broken, and confused. I already suffered from self esteem issues and I feel like what I have gained is completely lost and I need to start gluing them back together.
He tried to have sex with me this morning. I was disgusted and feel violated. He's dirty and tainted and has her all over him. The last time he was with her was a week ago, which according to them both they decided to mutually end it because they had so much to lose.
I'm lost, confused, alone, devastated.
I can't tell anyone, I don't want to embarrass myself or him.
We have a counseling appt tomorrow at 11. I really can't wait to go because I do this we can work through it, but I don't know if I can ever sleep with him again.
I wasn't good enough. I'll never be good enough.
And to make matters worse, I was more than thrilled with our sex life (3-4x's per week and always satisfying). I will admit I'm not vocal or adventurous because I'm afraid of being awkward. And being honest with myself now, it really was one-sided and in my favor. But now I don't if I can ever want to be intimate again, I'll be plagued with "What did she do that he liked? Does he like/want that?"

kalimata posted 3/6/2014 15:48 PM

So sorry that you're here. You've come to the right place. There are several steps you need to take right now to turn things around. He is dis-respecting you. Cheating on you at the same time he proposed marriage to you? What a slime.

Here is what I suggest
1) Gather some evidence. Texts, pics, emails, anything of your fiancé and OW
2) Expose. Exposure is your greatest chance of breaking this up. Try to humiliate the OW. Especially the fact that she is married to an army man. Find out who the OW's husband is and especially expose to him. She will likely throw your fiancé under the bus as soon as her H finds out.
3) Confront. Make him an ultimatum. Either he stops his nonsense for once and all or else he needs to leave.

It is truly better for you to find out about his cheating ways now before you got married. Depending on how much remorse he shows at the confront you can then decide whether to take him back or not. Stop the counseling for now. Therapy is useless unless you are sure the A is ended.

bglass1 posted 3/6/2014 15:55 PM

I know 100% it's over. I've already done all my hunting and found all my evidence. Before she knew, I texted her pretending to be him (took the phone directly from him when I caught him and I continued the conversation.)
He's admitted to it all and I really do believe he is remorseful. I found one picture of her naked. That bothers me.

norabird posted 3/6/2014 16:02 PM

I'm so sorry. To have all your hopeful dreams turn into something so painful is awful.

For now just take things slowly. It's great that you're going to counseling tomorrow. You are going to need to watch carefully to see what your WF (wayward fiance)'s attitude is over the next days, weeks, months. There is regret (at being caught, at having to give up the A), and then there is remorse (truly sorry, will do anything you need, owns responsibility). You need to see remorse and only time and continued actions prove it is there. You both may want to go into IC.

Also do NOT take any blame for supposed gaps in your sex life. There are two in bed and he has a burden to communicate too. You have nothing to feel inadequate about. And unfortunately for your idiot WF the act of oral sex is probably going to now be a huge trigger for you which will make improving your sex life xmillion harder! He has been incredibly selfish and there is no justification because he felt he was missing/entitled to certain acts. I call bullshit on that and you should too.

I would put a hold on the wedding right now though. You can't just plow ahead because you made these plans; you have to make sure it is a safe commitment for you to make.

Also the OW's BH must be told. He deserves to know. It's all part of the fallout.

Kc121010 posted 3/6/2014 18:38 PM

So sorry you're here!

What are you going to do about him going to school with her? I'm assuming they must have some type of class together? That needs to be something that should be changed. No school or class is worth your married future, if you have one.

I agree with Norabird. You are going to have to be tough and put your wedding on hold. I have a feeling by the way you're talking you're going to resist this. Do you really want to marry someone who was having sex with someone else and asking you to marry him at the same time? That is not a man who is committed!

Do NOT under any circumstances feel like it was your fault because you don't give him oral sex, or any of that other jazz! Bullshit!! If he wanted something different from your sex life he should have communicated it to you.

Read all of the articles in the healing library. It's a good place to start. Empower yourself with as much knowledge as you can, you will need it. It's going to be a rough road. Don't let it get swept under the rug in your excitement to have a wedding.

Something that helped me get through it was focusing on bettering myself in any way it could (reading, exercising) in sort of a vengeful way (I'll show him, I'll be the sexiest, smartest best looking thing that ever walked our city) and it gave me a focus and mental power. I would have collapsed in a heap of a hot mess if I hadn't focused on myself. It worked, it gave me more confidence to get through it, and it gave him a new respect for me (I had been depressed from some life changes prior to his A).

Wishing you the best! Stay busy to keep your mind off things. Make sure you eat! I had so much anxiety I lost 20# in a month, which I thought was awesome at the time .... Until all my hair started falling out from malnutrition. Take care of yourself.

SadInNC posted 3/6/2014 19:07 PM

Your post really got to me and I am so, so sorry that he has done this to you. Please, please, postpone the wedding and don't reset the date. Not yet. The damage he has done is SO SEVERE and you did nothing to deserve this!

It finally came out that the reason is because I am not interactive enough during sex, and I don't give very good oral sex, which flabbergasts me because I don't really do that at ALL because he always told me he didn't like getting it.

Awww, poor baby I feel so sorry for him.

He told you that he didn't like getting oral and now he uses it as an excuse for cheating? WTF? Call him out on that one!

Don't think that this can be fixed in time for the wedding date. I know that you don't want to tell people and I get that. Think of another reason for putting off the wedding, but put it off. YOU need time. It's been only 3 months since my DDay and I thought I was in true R with my husband of 27 years only to find out that I'm not. This is why I urge you to give yourself time.

I wish you the best.

bglass1 posted 3/6/2014 19:59 PM

I gave him the ring back tonight. I wrote him a letter with it saying it was offered and accepted under false pretenses and didn't want it back until he is fully ready to commit.
He's not really talking to me right now. Actually makes me a little scared. Granted, we were up until 5am then he worked all day, and now it's family movie night. I wish I could read his thoughts.
still anxious for therapy tomorrow. I feel like I will have a better grasp on myself after that.

SadInNC posted 3/6/2014 20:44 PM

I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself. Stay strong.


Thinkingtoomuch posted 3/7/2014 09:00 AM

Hi, bglas,

Yes the shock is the worst. I too am an RN, much older than you, lived with xwf for 7+ years as an older couple. Completely shocked. This is the worst time for you, especially since your wedding was coming up. Notice I say "was".

The others are right. Please don't get married to this man now. I know you've got lots of plans,but it's not worth going thru with it now. It will be so much harder to heal if you do. Whether you're married or not, this is almost the top horrible experience in one's life. (Only a few traumas can compete with the effects). But throw in the marriage, and it's worse. It casts a dark cloud over you and is part of your marriage history on and on.

With that said, I would stick with your own IC to help you get thru this, and wf's own IC to deal with why he did this. Because the "oral" subject is just not the truth. None of it is your fault. So many C's, including mc's can make things much worse if they don't have specific experience in infidelity and focus on wrong issues setting the betrayed back and adding insult to injury. I went to one one time and knew instantly it would make me much worse and couldn't take a chance with my brain. We're the most vulnerable early on.

Kalimata is right that MC is not helpful, could be detrimental, early on.

And as a nurse, my first year after DD, I worked an extra day a week (I was parttime) and it helped me immensely be involved more at work with more people and other issues. Still had mind movies that would hit me for a minute but much better than being at home surrounded by memories of how we lived, the house, pets,furniture, restaurants, entertainment we did, etc.

Please take care of yourself. Drink lots of fluids, keep eating, go for walks, take care of your kids.

Keep reading here and posting. The library upper corner is full of saving ideas. FAQ's. It's going to take you time. Can't rush any of it.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:03 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

Jduff posted 3/7/2014 09:44 AM

I gave him the ring back tonight. I wrote him a letter with it saying it was offered and accepted under false pretenses and didn't want it back until he is fully ready to commit.

Good job putting your foot down. That's a good way to start expressing that what he did was unacceptable in inexcusable.

Frankly, I would love to smack him upside the head. Him having been cheated on before, he should have been fully aware of the kind of pain his actions were about to bring upon you. With that said, I wonder if he is a person worthy for you to marry. But then again, he has one hell of a task ahead of him to prove that to you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/7/2014 10:03 AM

It finally came out that the reason is because I am not interactive enough during sex, and I don't give very good oral sex, which flabbergasts me because I don't really do that at ALL because he always told me he didn't like getting it.

What kind of low-life woman actually finds sex in a car after work appealing? I'm still shaking my freakin head at how low some women will sink.

For what it's worth, I'm sure the sex was oh so much BETTER awkwardly crammed into the backseat of the car and keeping a constant lookout for passersby or the police.

Her husband needs to be told, bglass1. That's the right thing to do.

I hope you're able to find some peace of mind and heart while you sort through this mess.

twisted posted 3/7/2014 14:54 PM

It finally came out that the reason is because I am not interactive enough during sex, and I don't give very good oral sex,

No, the reason is he he was horny and thought he could get away with it. It's that simple.
It's not about you, it's his lack of character. You are not to blame here, so never enable him to use you or anyone else as an excuse. Ever!

[This message edited by twisted at 2:55 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

bglass1 posted 3/11/2014 02:50 AM

First I would like to thank you all for your advice. I really did need your responses. I figured I would give a little update.
The counselor meeting went fine, nothing groundbreaking. I actually think we made more progress on our own. Robert wants to find a new counselor, a male, and I am fine with that because at least he is willing to go and I do want him where he feels more comfortable being open.
We have actually done very well. Robert has been beyond supportive and apologetic. I just pulled his phone records and there has been no more contact. He took one of his finals late and another early, apart from the class so he would not have contact with her. He also has a week off, then next semester he has a class one day a week with her, and no more after June. I will struggle with that, but he graduates in June and I can't let him stop now. I do trust him still, unbelievingly.
I saw him cry for the first time ever. He tried to give me my ring back the same night, saying he was more sure than ever and will do anything to work it out. He also hand wrote a card-that is a first as well. He has held me while I cried, and been patient with my emotions and questions.
I'm still hurting, but I'm hopeful. I am working Sunday-Saturday this week and that part is hard-I feel more reassured when I am with him. He is focusing on the kids and getting the house ready for all our guests coming in Sunday (for a week!)
We will be separated and very busy for the next 2 weeks and I'm not positive how that will affect us so we will see.

Gipper posted 3/11/2014 05:11 AM

I think you are doing great so far. Good thing that you are working so much to stay occupied. Try to resist the urge to comfort him. This needs to be about you. For a while. Let him squirm a bit. If he is committed, then he will gladly do the heavy lifting. Out her to her BH, postpone the wedding, and see what he does.

jb3199 posted 3/11/2014 20:08 PM


If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then please do not rush this. You are still in the shock of discovery, and sadly, there are harder days to come.

Infidelity is a process. It can't be bypassed, or swept under the rug...or it will come back to haunt you tenfold. What you can do, is put a temporary hold on things, until your know....FOR SURE....that your fiancé is committed for the long haul.

He's admitted to it all and I really do believe he is remorseful.

Gently, he is not there....yet. Very regretful, maybe. But remorseful he is not.

He hasn't owned this 100%. The mere fact that he believes your lack of sexual aggressiveness is to blame is ridiculous. Add to this disaster that he proposed while in his affair, and it doesn't shine the best light on him. Let's not forget that he didn't confess, or end his affair---he was

This is why I ask you to take it slow. If he is truly committed, then there is no need to rush things. Let him prove to you, by his ACTIONS...not his words, that he is remorseful.

Right now, the most important part of this affair is your healing. Please do not put your needs aside to try to "help" him. He made this mess, he needs to put his big boy pants on to try to fix it. You have enough work to do on yourself; don't add codependency to the list.

You are going to be okay. The biggest problem we usually have to curtail, is our incredible desire to get things back to "normal". That is where some of our biggest mistakes lie. Time can be your best friend....or your worst enemy. Please be careful moving forward.

NoMorDeceit posted 3/11/2014 23:19 PM

Does he have a porn problem? I ask because the blaming the affair on your "lack" of the right performance is kind of a red flag...I'd proceed with extreme caution here. Please know with 100% certainty it wasn't about the sex with you at all. Something inside him is really, really broken.

Please don't marry him until he gets to the bottom of his issues. I'm sorry.

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