So I don't know where to start, or what to say except I am so alone right now and have nobody to talk to.
My fiance and I have lived as if married for quite a long time. We have a house together, vehicles, dogs, mixed finances, and raise our 5 kids together as a family (2 from me and 3 from him).
We've both been married before and both been cheated on multiple times. I have never been unfaithful to anyone and neither has he (I do believe him). I've also been physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abused in the past.
I work PRN as an RN, he works for a towing company and goes to school full time at night. However we do have very liberal and flexible schedules that allow us to travel and do all kinds of things that most 30 year olds can't do. We are lucky and life is perfect. Our kids are between ages 5 and 10 but we don't have any together. The past year we have blossomed, I've never felt love like this before. We were so happy and have everything we ever wanted.
He asked me to marry him on Feb 15th. Our wedding is September 6. Even though we aren't legally married we have lived as if we are. My bridesmaids are flying in on the 16th to do wedding dress shopping and planning. He's been almost more involved in the wedding planning than I have.
Yesterday I caught him texting a woman from school, long story short, he has been having an affair with her in her car after classes since early February (very shortly before he asked me to marry him). We spent all day talking about it until 5am this morning when I finally took benedryl to make me sleep.
I do feel as though we made a lot of progress. I also contacted her and spoke with her (calmly and rationally). I am not a yeller, screamer, or fighter.
She is married to an Army man (God Bless Him) and she is 42. My fiance is 30. It finally came out that the reason is because I am not interactive enough during sex, and I don't give very good oral sex, which flabbergasts me because I don't really do that at ALL because he always told me he didn't like getting it.
He also said that he was in the middle of ending it and he hated himself the whole time because he knows he found the perfect woman in me and that he was screwing up. I believe him. I love him, I love the life we've built together. I finally felt like I was on solid ground and completely fulfilled before this happened. Now I'm shattered, broken, and confused. I already suffered from self esteem issues and I feel like what I have gained is completely lost and I need to start gluing them back together.
He tried to have sex with me this morning. I was disgusted and feel violated. He's dirty and tainted and has her all over him. The last time he was with her was a week ago, which according to them both they decided to mutually end it because they had so much to lose.
I'm lost, confused, alone, devastated.
I can't tell anyone, I don't want to embarrass myself or him.
We have a counseling appt tomorrow at 11. I really can't wait to go because I do this we can work through it, but I don't know if I can ever sleep with him again.
I wasn't good enough. I'll never be good enough.
And to make matters worse, I was more than thrilled with our sex life (3-4x's per week and always satisfying). I will admit I'm not vocal or adventurous because I'm afraid of being awkward. And being honest with myself now, it really was one-sided and in my favor. But now I don't if I can ever want to be intimate again, I'll be plagued with "What did she do that he liked? Does he like/want that?"