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Gman1 posted 3/6/2014 19:16 PM

I just found out my FWW's AP is in the USMC reserves. I thought he was totally out of the military. I have heard that the military does not take adultery lightly and he could get in big trouble. There is nothing that I would like better than making his life a little miserable. Should I report him? And, if so, how would I proceed? He is in AZ & I'm on the east coast.

soloney posted 3/6/2014 19:34 PM

Is the OM married? I don't know the answer to this question specifically, but I do work with military in regards to STDs and HIV infections.

If someone is married and in the military and contracts an STD or HIV they given the directive to inform their spouse. There can be some form of reprimand if military members do not follow directives.

Sorry it's not exactly what you were asking but that is what I know for sure.

jjsr posted 3/6/2014 19:43 PM

As an Army wife for over 25 years I can tell you I have seen it all. The military doesn't take it as seriously as they want the public to think they do. Especially if he is a reservist. Nothing much will happen if the military finds out. The only reasons you hear about it on the news is because the Generals that get caught are doing more then cheating on their spouses. They are sexually harassing underlings and they are in great positions of power.

sad12008 posted 3/6/2014 19:47 PM

Ditto what jjsr said.

It's in the UCMJ and it can be used if the rank is high enough or the command is gunning for the person for other reasons. Elsewise, however...

Tearsoflove posted 3/6/2014 19:57 PM

He could get in big trouble with a strong emphasis on could. It depends on the unit and whether or not the adultery is likely to affect the mission. If your spouse is not a subordinate or military member of some sort, they will not likely do much. And if the military member's rank is not one in which he is required to set an example they also will not likely do much. If he is a screw up that they would like to make an example of, some sort of punishment is more likely than if he is well liked within the unit. There are limits to how much punishment he can get and they are unlikely to take it very seriously unless it is going to give the unit a black eye in some way. If he is married and his spouse wants to push it, they may do more about it but most spouses do not push for punishment because the punishment could affect the family finances.

Some of the following punishments are possibilities:

LOC- Letter of Council. It's essentially a slap on the wrist. It will go in the military member's file but isn't taken too seriously.

LOR- Letter of Reprimand. A more strongly worded slap on the wrist. It will go in the file for future reference.

Article 15- This is typically a pretty strong punishment. It is often accompanied by loss of a stripe (or two) and 3 to 6 months of base pay (spread out over a year or two). In some cases, the military member is not allowed to reenlist depending on the seriousness of the offense. It will follow the member in his personnel file.

If this is the first issue with the member, an Article 15 is unlikely unless some other UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice) codes were violated in conjunction with the adultery.

Gman1 posted 3/7/2014 06:42 AM

He is enlisted and single. Even if there most likely would be no serious punishment, would his command at least have to approach him about it? Or would the complaint be completely ignored? How to proceed with the complaint? I don't care if he doesn't have to face stiff punishment. A letter in his file would be a permanent mark and would be worth it to me.

SeanFLA posted 3/7/2014 09:15 AM

I have a bit of experience with this. I discovered via a text message on my exWW's cell that she was having an affair with another married man who was a Lt. Colonel in the US Army and stationed in Afghanistan. Also a West Point graduate (nice huh?). I have no links to the military nor did I serve. Long story short, he was a FB friend from high school and she agreed to meet him up in Atlanta citing an emergency business meeting to go there overnight. Throughout my marriage I've always suspected my exWW had a thing for military guys. She always traveled for business, especially to Atlanta, so I never questioned it. Turns out he was on his way home on emergency leave for the birth of his son. His wife was going into labor. He was on an overnight layover through Atlanta. They planned this and my wife knew about his pending baby (and why he was going home) but went to meet him anyhow.

Long story short, it took me ten months to make the decision to call his wife. I reported him after exWW blindsided me with false R, divorce papers and became a totally different person than who I married. I wanted revenge on everybody it seemed. This guy contributed to ruining my life, the life of my son, his wife and his two children. Not to mention he had top security clearance and was ordering around 18 year old boys who were being shot at in horrible places. I'm sure their mothers would really appreciate a dirt bag like that in command of their sons and daughters. I was also in so much pain for his wife having to endure this.

I had very specific evidence of their A. Emails back and forth with graphic details, a location, dates and on-going bantering. I notified his wife. When I called her there was a ten month old crying old crying in the background. It was tough decision for me to call the base Provost Marshall but I truly hit the anger stage. The Provost Marshall was genuinely concerned when I told him of the evidence I held and asked me to overnight it to him. The complaint was very quickly escalated up through a Major in the JAG office and then immediately to his Colonel, then eventually his General. I was formally interviewed on the phone within a week by his Colonel and another officer from who seemed to be possibly from military intelligence. I can only speculate who he was given the types of questions he was asking about my WW, her background. and our marriage. They asked me if she would cooperate in the investigation. I told them to call her themselves because she filed for divorce and we were now in a civil lawsuit and unremorseful. I gave them her cell number and don't know if they ever did. I did ask them if I should be retaining an additional lawyer for any other reason (outside my divorce attorney). They said no it was not necessary at this time.

Anyhow, the Colonel informed me on behalf of his General that they were very appreciative that I had the courage to report this. He explained that officers in his position who participate in secret affairs like this can be exposed to blackmail due to his clearance. Then he told me what would most likely happen to him. He said he doubt they would go through the expense of a court martial after the General presents the evidence to him and gets him to confess. I couldn't imagine having to stand in front of a General for that (I think of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men). He said he most likely would be asked to resign and that either way his military career would be over. He had his 20 years in and could leave with his half pension and benefits for his family. I didn't want his wife and kids to suffer, but mostly him. I was also told that I would never find out what happened to him due to the Privacy Act of 1977. In fact, only the dirtbag himself would be able to release the information if he choose so. He wouldn't even have to tell his wife what happened to his career if she asked.

Be careful what you wish for. I do live my life everyday wondering of this guy will show up at my doorstep sometime with a gun. When you destroy a man's career you never know how they could react. I'm not a gun person and don't own one, but I do live with a 9 iron within reaching distance from my door. And I do not answer my door unless I know someone is coming over beforehand. At that level you know he owns weapons. But in your case I highly doubt anything will be done. Not a general enlisted single man in the part-time reserves. They have bigger fish to watch after believe me.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:21 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

Tearsoflove posted 3/7/2014 15:50 PM

He is enlisted and single

Unless he's an NCO, he is unlikely to get any punishment unless someone in his unit has it in for him. I wouldn't count on him getting into big trouble. And that letter in his file (if he even gets one) will barely get noticed. Most everyone gets one at one time or another for something. They put them in the file for being late, having debt issues, making mistakes on the job. Unless his affair with your wife affected his job, it's unlikely that they will care about an enlisted member's sex habits outside work.

If you're hoping for anything major to come of it, you will be disappointed. Even if he gets a letter in his file, you'll never know it. The only ones that make the news are the big cases- like Generals sleeping with underlings or soldiers who commit major crimes. An enlisted guy sleeping with a willing cheater isn't really newsworthy.

My husband was an NCO who slept with a lower ranking enlisted member (not in his unit so not a subordinate). Nobody cared. In fact, where he was, all the married officers had enlisted girlfriends that went everywhere with them. Nobody cared. My husband got an Article 15 while he was there but not because of his affair. He was out after curfew with some of his subordinates and being out after curfew at this particular base was a big deal. He barely got a slap on the wrist for the Article 15 but one of the other NCOs with them was disliked by higher ups. He got busted down a rank and lost 1 year of pay. My husband outranked this guy which made my husband the NCO in charge and therefore should have given my husband the stiffest penalty. But everybody loves my husband so the other guy was given most of the punishment. When my husband left that base, the Article 15 mysteriously disappeared from his file. So even an Article 15 isn't always a permanent mark.

And this was all active duty. The reserves is like a part-time job and anything done outside of duty time is unlikely to affect the mission and therefore unlikely to get attention.

If you want to report him, report him. I doubt anyone will care but if it makes you feel better, do what you have to do.

LydiaE posted 3/7/2014 16:41 PM


Unless he is a high-ranking individual who could be targeted for sexual harassment in the form of exploiting an underling, the military will not care.

Even in such cases where married military members fraternize with other married military members and it is reported, those military members are simply counseled and moved to separate units.

One of my husband's co-workers, an NCO, had to sit five feet from her now ex-husband's AP in an office. She did not report their affair because she did not want to risk her husband losing rank or being demoted. This would have been the worst case scenario.

hurtingfool posted 3/7/2014 16:57 PM

It really makes me want to notify the CoC and then any news outlet so they start taking this shit more seriously within the community as a whole and not just about rank. Bet that would affect the mission.

[This message edited by hurtingfool at 4:58 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

Tearsoflove posted 3/7/2014 17:40 PM


I don't know if you've noticed but affairs happen all the time, everywhere. They aren't newsworthy unless it's a celebrity or a high ranking official. If they were, we'd all be in the news and there wouldn't be time or room for murders, rapes, war, or anything else that's going on in the world. As painful as it is for us, it's very rare that the affairs we deal with have any real affect on the outside world. It's another painful truth that few people outside my realm actually care that my husband cheated.

I remember when my daughter's boyfriend was killed in a car accident. He was 19. I remember driving to work that morning and watching all the traffic around me and people smiling and laughing as if a young man didn't just lose his life. The world didn't stop revolving. Nothing changed for most people. Believe it or not, it was my first experience with the death of a young person and it was just so surreal watching the world move around not caring. At his funeral, everyone single person there sobbed. But the moment we were outside, the world continued to go on in the same way it always does.

Affairs are like that. They devastate. You want the world to notice. You want the people of the world to care. But they don't unless it affects them. If children can be homeless and be starving, if abuse can go on, if genocide can occur, if young people can die, why would the world care if my husband cheated?

Gman1 posted 3/7/2014 20:13 PM

I guess it's not worth the effort. Thanks for all the replies. There is something deep inside of me that wants justice, a chance to strike a blow at the OM. To somehow even the score but I guess I will have to accept that may be impossible. I went to my MC yesterday and brought up my desire for justice and the extreme rage towards the OM. The MC, who is also a minister, told me that justice will be served in time. He said that one day the OM will stand before God and have to face what he has done while looking God in the eye. I asked him "what if he doesn't know God?" The MC said, without hesitation, "God knows him and one day he will meet Him. This all made me feel much better instantly.

StillLivin posted 3/7/2014 20:19 PM

Gman1, sorry I have to get back to my homework. Just popped in so didn't read the responses....hope I'm not repeating advice already given.
Adultery is illegal in all factions of the U.S. military. He is not supposed to have A's with married women.
If you have proof, you can report him to his chain of command. Reporting him only to his chain of command may not bring as much redress as through other official channels. I was Army not USMC so I will contact a MC friend and find out what their redress system is and PM you in the next few days.

Long Gone posted 3/7/2014 22:12 PM

The key word is Reserves. ....

Nothing will happen to him.....not worth the effort

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