Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: I don't know/I don't remember
rolfasaurus
♂ 42348
Member # 42348
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with the bullshit cop out response of "I don't remember" or "I don't know" from your WS. I am SO incredibly frustrated and tired of getting this response from her. It's absolutely insane how much she just "can't remember" from her affairs. It was 6 months ago.
I don't believe that she can't remember certain details. When you are doing something wrong, something exciting, getting an adrenaline rush from something...you tend to remember things. This was a huge life event. How do you not remember?
Please help me.


Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its all Bullshit. She remembers fully well what happened. She doesn't want to tell you however, because then that will mean she will have to face the consequences of her actions by watching how you react.

Another reason WS's suddenly get amnesia is that by telling the BS all the details it exposes all of the ugliness and makes the A lose all of the romantic appeal it once had.

Is she committed to R? Doesn't sound like it to me. She needs to know that there is no chance until her "memory" comes back.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, it's BS. Ask her anything else from six months ago....how was last Halloween, etc. She'll have an answer. But sordid adultery....slips my mind.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 507 | Registered: Apr 2013
rolfasaurus
♂ 42348
Member # 42348
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely agree with both of you. Yes, she is committed to R. But things like this make me believe that she is still holding back. Especially now that it is a month after D-Day, I know she feels like any sort of new revelation or new detail will be moving backwards...so that means that she will stick to her "story" and hold on to it until her last breath. Until I have undeniable absolute proof...she will stick to her story. and I wont get any new information.

Ask her anything else from six months ago....how was last Halloween, etc. She'll have an answer. But sordid adultery....slips my mind.

Exactly. Things have come up in the past month that she remembers from years and years ago...very small things...and my first thought is always "How the hell do you remember that, but not ______." When it comes to this she has "blocked it out of her memory" like she was abducted my aliens during the time of the affairs. "It wasn't me"

Right...it wasn't you.

Whenever she says anything like "It wasn't me" or "I've blocked it out of my memory" it shows me how much in the 'fog' she still is. Does she honestly think I buy that shit? You blocked it out? No. People "block out" rapes. People "block out" abductions. People "block out" being molested. People don't just willingly "block out" things like affairs just by free will.

I am so frustrated with her.


Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that my WH pulls the same shit and it always gets my blood boiling. It leads to a fight very quickly because I know damn well that he remembers what I'm asking, but chooses to lie to me once again.

It's not true R.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
wontdefineme
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xh said he didn't remember. It was a lie. He refused to tell me in case I used it against him. Selfish and a coward right to the end.

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Mar 2011
CantLoseHope
♀ 42356
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rolfasaurus, I don't entirely agree with the others on this... I do think that it is possible that she may be forgetting details, sometimes this is a coping mechanism for those who are truly remorseful. It could very well be bullshit, but I just wanted to add that it is possible she may be forgetting details.

Having said that, I do reiterate "details", if she is saying she cant remember anything then yes clearly there is a big problem. It is possible for you to tell us what she is saying she doesn't remember?
Is it significant things or minor details?
Granted all of us BSs wouldn't consider any of the details "minor" but I am sure you know what I mean.

Also I know you said the A was 6 months ago, but do you know how long it went on?

I am sorry if you went over all this in previous posts. I am sorry you find yourself at this current road block, I hope things get better and easier (hard to type because I know its always work).


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
IsthereEVERanend
♂ 42216
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just two words. Gaslighting much?


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Credence
♂ 42682
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain Rolfsaurus, my WS is like that too. I managed to get some information out of her by writing down a list of questions and giving her a couple of days to think about the questions and write down the answers. I explained to her that 'I don't know' is more damaging than the truth because I immediately assume that she's trying to keep something from me when she says 'I don't know'.

The questions weren't too probing, they just gave me a starting point to work from. Once she had answered the first list of questions I followed up with a new list of questions and slowly started to put all of the pieces together. It was tedious but I got loads of relevant details.

So sorry you're here.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
william
41986
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think it depends on how extensive it was and how long ago.

a ONS last month is probably easier to remember all the details of than one that took place 5 years ago.

a ONS is probably easier to remember all the details of than a LTA.

a LTA is probably easier to remember all the details of than serial cheating with lots of people.

the more there is the harder it probably is to remember everything.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 586 | Registered: Jan 2014
TOMTEFAR
♂ 39257
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all BS. It was 6 month ago!

To me this would be a deal breaker. I would sit down with your WS and have D papers filled out. I would give her the option of remembering or D. I would then also tell her that I would back upp her answeres with a polygraph and that the D would be filed if the ploy fails or she doesn't remember.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
trojan007
♂ 36960
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to agree with TOMTEFAR they can't remember anything come on, it's all BS. And I also agree with another member on here that posted on a different thread of yours that was saying something about her not being able to be faithful throughout the rest of your marriage due to the sexual nature of her affairs. Hate to say but D might be part of your solution,

[This message edited by trojan007 at 4:35 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
Hurthalo
♂ 41782
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 'I don't know, I don't remember' line was trotted out multiple times after D-Day. All it told me was that if it were true, she evidently didn't care about me to the level she said she did, noting that not remembering major details of the biggest danger to our marriage that required constant planning to avoid being caugh and pre-meditated deceit says an awful lot about one's attitude to relationships.

If it were me, I'd be wracked with the guilt of the details.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with the bullshit cop out response of "I don't remember" or "I don't know" from your WS.

Yes, I do...but of course, this is just my opinion.

First, you ask yourself---"Do I believe this is true, that she doesn't remember?" Or---"Doesn't my gut calm me down, listening to her words?"

After you answer your own questions honestly, you then take your course of action.

Obviously, from your statements, you don't believe her. And while I don't know the specifics of what she doesn't remember, my instincts would tend to agree with you.

So, the course of action is clear to me---you are dealing with someone, contrary to your beliefs, is NOT COMMITTED to reconciliation. What she is committed to is damage control. And the two of you don't move forward with that.

If it were me, I would slowly, but continually, move toward life without her. If she isn't fully on board, then the atmosphere of infidelity is still present when near her---and it is your goal to move away from that. Try to convince her...because it is absolutely true...that there will be zero chance of making this work, unless she can learn to be honest with you. She needs to know, that as painful as the truth may be...and it may be too much for you to work past...it is infinitely worse to not have honest answers for you. It will let your imagination run wild.

But rolf, she has to KNOW that you are serious. Your actions...like working to leave the relationship...have to be those of conviction, not a ploy to make her change. No games, or threats, need to be made---just actions, which will show her what you will and will not accept from this point forward.

She won't, or "can't" remember?

Fine. Are you sleeping in separate rooms? Have you started to untangle your finances? Have you made any follow-up appointments to your divorce attorney?

These are all actions that you can work on, as you start to leave this mess of infidelity behind you. Let her know, in your words and actions, that while you would want to reconcile, it will get harder and harder each passing day that she doesn't commit---until you reach a point that reconciliation is no longer a possibility.

That is not a threat; just a mere inevitability.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Katz13
♀ 41886
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you asking that they don't remember? Sometimes you don't want all the gory details. They are hard to erase. Some people feel better knowing everything. I don't know where I stand on that yet. My WH does the same thing. It annoys me but at this point I know the main details. Our MC tells me not to ask about any further details. I am not sure how I feel about that either. I do know that when I ask certain sexual questions, I feel like I am bringing the OW back into the forefront. I don't like that at all.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of us have had to endure the many I dont know and I dont remember answers. If I never hear those two phrases again I will be happy.

It does depend on what the questions are that she doesn't remember.

You could have her write a timeline of the entire sequence of events before during and after the affair. She want she writes. Writing is great for actually helping people remember.

There are ways to help remember. Like the night of the big storm, or the night we went there or tie the forgotten event to a known event.


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
rolfasaurus
♂ 42348
Member # 42348
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate those who responded to just relate as well.

I'll give a little more details. There was a (two) night stand last june, and a 3 month long affair after that (july-september). To be honest and to look at this from a rational point of view...I have enough details right now. I know enough to make decisions. It upsets me when my wife sugar coats things, or goes back on what she has said before. It's almost like she will tell the truth about a detail, then when I bring it up again and she hears how bad it is...she freaks out and says "that's not true, I didn't really _____"....so it's very confusing. The details I am referring to are two in particular at this moment.
1) There were 1500 texts that were exchanged between her and the OM. Along with tons of phone calls. She texted with him 24/7, so whenever she and I were together...there is no way she could NOT be talking to him too. I understand how she could be hiding texting to another man...but I don't understand how she could hide the phone calls. Where was I when she made these calls? Where did she have to go in order to talk to him when I was in the house? She says she can't remember.
2) In september (before I found out about any physical affairs) I found out that she was having online sexual relationships with around 20 men. I read all of the conversations and read things that no husband should ever have to read. In january, I found out about the physical affairs that were happening around that time as well. Well, a couple days after I found out about the skype stuff...she wrote a note on her phone that said "510***** confirmation". What it really was, was the OM's phone number...but it was disguised to make it look like a confirmation number of some sort. My question to her was...why after I found out about the skype stuff did she save his number? Did she plan on talking to him again and wanted to save his number? Why did she save that number? She talked to him all the way up until the night I found out about the skype stuff...then she blocked his number...but she saved it for some reason. I want to know why she saved it, but she says "She cant remember"
3) I want to know what the hell they talked about so much. She claims that none of the conversations were very deep, and it was mostly about work. I call 100% BS on that. She expects me to believe that a sexually charged secret affair occurred, but no talk about sex occurred? That is what she claims. I know maybe she cant remember exact conversations...but I just want to know the vibe of the conversation, what it was about....I just simply want to know what the fuck she and the OM talked about so much! She cant remember.

All it told me was that if it were true, she evidently didn't care about me to the level she said she did, noting that not remembering major details of the biggest danger to our marriage that required constant planning to avoid being caugh and pre-meditated deceit says an awful lot about one's attitude to relationships.
If it were me, I'd be wracked with the guilt of the details.

That is totally what I always say to her. It says a lot about the person she is if she "can't remember" doing the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband.

You could have her write a timeline of the entire sequence of events before during and after the affair. She want she writes. Writing is great for actually helping people remember.
There are ways to help remember. Like the night of the big storm, or the night we went there or tie the forgotten event to a known event.

That was part of my plan. I was going to have her write out a timeline. It was a great plan, but I veered from my plan and we ended up sitting down and talking through the timeline for 4 hours one night. Bad idea. It defeated the purpose of me having a written timeline. I want to be able to go back and read what I wanted to read whenever I wanted. Having things written out really helps me. I wish I could go back and have her write it out. I also liked the advice of using events to help her remember.

Basically, she is doing what she can and she is doing the right thing right now. HOWEVER, she is still SUGAR COATING and MINIMIZING! I am not getting the 100% brutal truth out of her. She thinks that I am a masochist and I just want to hear things that will hurt me...otherwise I don't believe her. It isn't true. All I want is the truth. I want the unaltered, brutal truth. If I am asking for it, I want to hear it. She doesn't get to decide for me what the truth is in order to save me pain.

The sugar coating is stuff like this:
-She wasn't sexually attracted to any of the men (they could've been anyone that was sexually attracted to her).
-None of them were attractive.
-She never talked about sex to the OM over the phone.
-All of the OM had smaller penises than me (yes, i know I am weird for worrying about this one)
-They were all boring.
-I am so much better than all of them
-She never had an orgasm with them
-All of the sex was very short and she derived basically zero pleasure out of it.
-She didn't like any of them. She wasn't interested in them she wasn't attracted to them.
-She doesn't want an uncircumcised penis, despite the fact that she looked at "uncut" porn, and she has admitted to me that if she had a choice in choosing, she would choose for me to be "in-tact"

I am just so tired of all of the BULLSHIT! All I want is the truth! Am I insane for wanting to hear the truth about this shit? I feel like the longer she keeps this BS up, the longer the affairs have power.


Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BPhoenix
♀ 42547
Member # 42547
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh has so many APs that he says he can't remember information too. I think it's bull shit and he just doesn't want to remember. He's left me to figure everything out. I'm not much help but I share your frustration. You're not insane for wanting answers imo


Me - BS 28
Him- WH 28 (TheBatCave)
1 amazing 5yr old
DDay 2/6/14 TT still going on:


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: East coast
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard most of those as well. They only talked about work crap. Well lets see, you were with him for hours and hours in person drinking in bars and motels and you only talked about work. Yea right, that's one of my problems still.

#1. she could have called him while shopping, at work..unless she works with him. Doing any errands. Taking a shower etc.

#2. Saved numbers means the affair either is continuing or it will at some point. Basically she was not committed to ending the affair and saved the number.

#3 Is like I said ridiculous. Talking only about work is nonsense.

I think the OM in my wife's case liked the sound of his own voice and his opinions. I can see them talking about things like politics. He was the beer drinking person that knew everything.

Did your wife start coming home with different likes, different opinions or words. If so, that can give you an insight to what they talked about.

My wife started having different political views of all things. And goofy ones.

Have her write the timeline out anyway. This will be interesting to see if she writes exactly what she said as a timeline. Seeing and hearing something twice should be the same story if true.

As for not being attracted to the other guy sexually, that could be true. A lot of WW have a need for what they call external validation. And that is something that your wife really needs to discuss.

Has your wife ever answered the WHY she did this in the first place question. That is something that is hard for a WS to answer usually, because it demands looking inside for the truth, not outside.


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
MammaMia
♀ 34030
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I .too, got a lot of the " I don't know " and " I don't remember" bull.....Finally, about 2 months or so after Dday and original confrontation, I wrote down the questions I wanted answered. I sat him down, and told him very clearly and in a stern voice that I will not accept such answers anymore. If there was something he didn't remember, I would give him 5 to remember and I would time him.

When somebody gets in your face and tells you that he DID enjoy all the time he spent with her, you better believe he remember everything. When I told him this line of his , you better believe it he gave me answers. He was not happy, and he may not have given me details, but answers I did get.
I also told him that he better tell me the truth because he did not know how much I know, what I know and how I know.

Tell her that you won;t be done till you get answers and they better be the truth. Maybe a similar approach would work with her as well...


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 877 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.