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damnUnicorns posted 3/6/2014 23:44 PM

Married 26 years (T 27)
10/3/12 Husband gives me ILYBNILWY speech, moves out 3 days later.
Still separated, now living together ( after 13 mos. APART weekdays/living together as H& W weekends). He got laid off long distance job 1/14 after 16 years & moved back home.

3 days after moving home suspicions about COW were just too much to take (10,000 texts in one month & multiple phone calls per day.. plus he called HER about the layoff FIRST). I confronted & he admitted they slept together & " it was over a long time ago" & "they are just friends".
I called BS on that. I told him I wanted D. He agreed he did too. I tossed him out of our bedroom.
He BLAMED ME for the affair...I "pushed him away", " he hasn't been happy for years", " he's weak". No remorse since. He did try to apologize but included the above reasons, so I told him to STFU.

I saw an attorney. Our house is underwater, He lost his job, I've been a SAHM since 1987.
I have physical issues due to RA arthritis & am slightly physically disabled. I suffer panic attacks & social anxiety. Husband has life threatening medical issues since birth.

I've been loyal our entire marriage. .. doting wife.I considered us best friends & we had a good life overall. Yes, we faced challenges and imperfections... but nothing I saw as unworkable. Others have Todd new they saw us as VERY compatible. ..a "good fit".

Everything was going along fine until we purchased our house after a job relo. That's where he met all new friends. Divorcing or recently divorced Co Workers. Including the OW. She is a "lesbian" married for 11 years to her wife. They co own a home about 20 minutes from ours. I've visited their home. My birthday party was there after we recently moved here. She told my husband he was "offs limits" ( makes me wonder WTF the conversation was) "because of me". Looks like she changed her mind.
I have no details other than that they had sex. ..I don't know when, but I'm placing it STARTING between MAY '12 & April '13. They are still in contact & in fact, I BELIEVE (but can not prove) that they were together this past Monday (3 days ago).
He left to"go to Home Depot" & didn't return for 4.5 hours. HD is 10 min. from our house. He came back quiet, nervous & south's not LOOK AT ME the rest of the evening.
I know this guy too well. That's GUILT. Just so happens former COW lives close by and is unemployed too. Her wife works all day. I hear her wife won't even SPEAK to my H... She hates him. Suspects something. I'm in the process of getting her info so I can talk to her.
This whole thing is a nightmare. The L told me to "reconcile" because financially I'm pretty screwed right now.
I have NO support IRL.
My dad is older & in poor health. He has no room for myself& my dogs.
My life was him & my kids. The kids are " Switzerland" & don't want to talk about it.
I can't afford IC. I've been trying to get a job for 1.5 years. Nothing!
I feel so totally alone & lost.
I did take 1/2 the money from our joint account when our tax refund came through & his final paycheck. This PISSED him off even though I paid all the bills first, before taking 1/2. He said I had no right to steal his money. In did this because I lived off $100 personal/gas/grocery money a month the entire time we were separated.
He then took the other half, abd switched his direct deposit. I've not seen another penny since. With unemployment & severance he's making $1000 more a month being off work, than he was when working. He insists I use the money I took to pay half the bills. I'm down now to under $1000. Less than 1/4 what he's bringing in a MONTH now.
I'm stuck with nowhere to go, no job, no money, no friends or family.
I've seriously considered opting out.
But I can't do that to my kids, or my dogs (2 are special needs).
My heart is utterly shattered. He looks at me with cold anger. He's mad " I brought this up nown while he's dealing with the layoff". After all, That's 16 years of his life wasted.
Like I said. . No remorse.
Btw- he's still trying to sleep with me!!
The thought makes me nauseous.

damnUnicorns posted 3/6/2014 23:50 PM

Sorry for the weird typos, formatting & Autocorrect stuff. I'm posting from my phone & editing is giving me trouble!

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 01:18 AM

More I've thought of...

He's said to our daughter, when she confronted him about HER having to buy the gas/groceries , for the most part, this last year here at the house (on PT min. wage while he made $32 hr FT)... because "I'm tired of responsibility, I just want to have fun now".

This is the guy who was pretty darn dedicated to our family prior? He loved the house we bought, took pride of ownership. Bought me a hot tub for my arthritis... built a custom self designed deck so I could get in& out of it easily. Now I'm out there TRYING to mow the lawns do they don't look like garbage. He's so different. Doesn't do a thing here! Sits in his chair, waiting on his plated dinner to be served to him (I've always done this, but reset the he'll out if it right now). Then he takes the plate& sets it on the counter after I've cleaned the kitchen, despite the empty dishwasher. So annoying.
Tonight he's upset I wouldn't give him a massage.
He honestly thinks I can find out he's had/ having an affair....and will still sleep with him?
I told him to see a L. Get a reality check.
He honestly believes daughter & I will cover the full mortgage after he refis the house (with no buy out cash to me)... lol, not possible w/ current income. No alimony to me. He'll live in an apartment close by. He MIGHT be able to "help us" with the mortgage "If we can't cover it all with a roommate".

This is the perfect scenario on his mind. "We" can keep our dogs this way (imperative to me)... daughter will be close by fur him to visit ( same daughter he's virtually ignored the last year). He & I can be "friends" , we'll " all be happier".

Stupid Skittle shitting unicorns!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 1:22 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

annb posted 3/7/2014 08:07 AM

Hi, damnUnicorns, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you find yourself here. Have you read the articles in the Healing Library?

Your husband is acting like a complete a$$. Taking no responsibility for anything. Is it possible he is suffering from depression? Has he seen a doctor? Not excusing his affair behavior at all, but his lack of motivation to take care of himself/the house, treatment of your daughter, could be a sign of depression.

In any event, the affair IS NOT your fault.

I'd let the wife of the OW know what has been going on, especially if she is already suspicious. Exposing an affair is the best way to end it.

BTW, your husband does not get to decide what he will give you if you's up to the courts.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do NOTHING for this man. Why are you still cooking his meals when he is treating you like crap? No sex, no massages, laundry, nothing. Let him get a little glimpse into his new life.

Right now do your best to take care of you, your children, and your dogs. Read about the 180 and implement it immediately. Show him how strong you are and you will make it with or without him.

OK now posted 3/7/2014 08:17 AM

What an ass. Time to stop waiting hand and foot on this creep; Draw up a set of rules that favor you and your kids and stick to them. No sex, cleaning up after him and behaving like a wife submitting to a abusive husband.

You are being too nice; avoid direct confrontation, tell him nothing and start to plan your way out of this mess.

norabird posted 3/7/2014 08:39 AM

I agree, the days of his being served dinner and not cleaning up after himself are over. It's hard because you're stuck there financially...but you cans till detach. There is a 'faq for bs' in the yellow healing library box in the upper left corner of the site that has a list of '180' rules to help you focus on yourself.


damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 09:27 AM

Thanks for the responses! I'm trying to be nice because he is still paying the mortgage & isn't pushing us to move atm... and I'm trying not to additionally stress pour our daughter who's definitely feeling caught in the middle
I have done several 180s over the last year & 1/2, but until recently they were all with an eye toward reconciliation. I lost weight ( 60 pounds, I'm so sick from this whole thing), tried to watch my pessimistic attitude & improve my outlook, tried to do more around the house since he had issue with my housekeeping, looked for a job, sought counseling while I could (the group closed. Bummer since it was only $10 week). Stopped asking him about our relationship (I begged & pleaded off and on the first 3 months. He was cold as ice add reaction to that).

My newest 180s are that he can not touch me, I do not eat with him & I only make dinner now (I used to make everything from snacks to 3 meals a day from scratch), I'm very " cool" most of the time. I dint talk to him about anything other than chit chat anymore. I try to leave the house alone now whether I always used to ask him along, sonce - I - thought we enjoyed eachother's company.
I should say that has not been an ass the entire time. Until an argument in Dec. (The one and only in over a year) we were getting along great & he sect me a text doubt he " thought wet were on a good path". Then The argument (our dogs got in a fight & the largest injured the other two... everyone was hysterical & he wanted my favorite dog put to sleep immediately. I said, " No way! ! Im love her & this is fixable! I'll find someplace to go with her. I'm not giving up on her. I have looked at a place our of state anyway!!"). Well, ever since then he definitely changed back to cold towards me & picked up his communication with OW. He told me on DDay that I loved the dogs more than him, and that that argument changed his mind back to wanting a divorce.
Hypocritical much?

On Dday I said, " So you would expect me to overlook an affair to get back together. .. but you can't overlook a hysterical outburst while a huge unusual trauma is going on ( I immediately calmed down, took care of the injuries & called out trainer for advice & a plan. I implemented it without much help & the situation with the dogs has vastly improved ).

Anyway, YES, I believe he is depressed. I've asked him to go to IC & MC abd he refused. He doesn't need to pay someone to air his dirty laundry. In fact, He was really mad I went to IC for awhile.
He was depressed over a super demanding job, Then from moving & having to couch surf since we couldn't afford a second place, now because he's lost his job. I was willing to stand by him through this layoff just like I have though everything else. But I ended up confronting in an emotional moment ( I'm working on not being so reactive. Definitely something I need to 180). I suspected them & when I found out he called HER while I was out running an errand fur him, I just take the disrespect anymore. I fully wanted a D in that moment.
Now not so much. I still don't know I'd I fully want to R, but I did think we had a good life until we moved & three new people became so all important.
Btw- the OW was in a straight marriage for several years & had adult children/ grandkids. She then switched teams...apparently till MY H came along.
I'm just so crushed. He's treating me like I'm the one who caused all this... abd while I admit I was far from the perfect wife , and definitely cause problems with my health/ depression/ negativity. ..I never looked outside our marriage. I neverthought he would either.

His parents were married 46 years before his dad passed away. His brothers were cheated on & he still to this day talks badly about those women. I told him on D day that HE IS the same as them. He didn't like that much, but accepted it silently.
I guess the COW is what he's always wanted that I am not.
Professional, bubbly, fun (likes to drink. We never did due to health & alcoholic family tendencies), social butterfly.
She's confident & outgoing. She had her stomach stapled a few years ago & lost several hundred pounds. She's still bigger than me ( I'm " a big girl" ,not huge) & he's always complained about me not being smaller street having the kids. Her theme song is 'Sexy & I know it'.
She loves dancing & dressing up for Renaissance Fairs. She's totally into Zombie Apocalypse.
Guess what I hear a lot about now. These things are SO not me. I can barely listen it's so stupid. Lol

But yes, I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. I thought I was at least going to have money to file & get food/gas/hotel for a couple of weeks. .. but that's now dwindling.
Because he lost his job the L said try to reconcile until finances improve. Then I'll be entitled to decent alimony. My worry is his 401k. He lost the job so it'll cash out. The plan WAS to pay off all of our bills pretty much using it up. Now I'm worried he won't pay mine. They ate already in collections since he stopped paying them when he left. We got some credit cards in my name so is have credit. .. but that's now ruined. So is his because of the last year& a half. Let's just say that RIGHT NOW he has over $400 cash in his pocket.
I gave my last $1 cash to the Veterans collection box yesterday. I gotta stop doing that stuff. I can't afford it anymore.

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 09:39 AM

Again. Sorry for so many typos & auto correct. My phone is my only internet source atm. Trying to edit is hell on this thing!

I've been reading SI since Dday & everyone else's stories are what is keeping me sane (a little anyway).
I have also read some of the healing library & need to get myself to the Public Library as well!

Until a Dday I was following Michele Weiner Davis' marriage plan. Not sure if I can outright mention it here, so I won't.

OK now posted 3/7/2014 10:28 AM

The lawyer is giving good advice; just hang on until you can get alimony from WH. The collection agencies can zero in on him as well and as long as you are married you have some 'protection' against debts.

Let him file for divorce and do the hard work. Just be passive, say nothing and wait. The marriage does seem to be in dire peril as long as he is obsessed with the OW, but since he won't listen to reason [common WS observation!] what can you do?

Just keep posting. Its comforting to know others care. Also reading other posts can give you ideas on how to deal with your situation.

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 11:00 AM

Thank you Ok Now. It really does help to have someone to "talk to". I'm VERY lonely.

Yes, I'm trying to just hang in there. It's hard with him contacting her (100s of texts daily & disappearing for hours). But I really have no choice. It's slowly killing me. My BP was so high the other day they threatened to admit me to the hospital. I have chronic health concerns. This so isn't helping!

I'm also kicking myself. I should have never confronted him. Our made things worse here , I have no access to money now AND I still have to deal with him talking to her. I can't believe I honestly believes he'd be sorry & realize what he'd be losing.

I see now how stupid it was of me to not cultivate friends/work/education outside my M. Especially after the first affair. Now I'm paying the price for believing him when he said, " I could never do that to you again. I never want to see that look on your face ever again" ( in 2002).

I come from an abusive, alcoholic "family". My mom died when I was 10 from lung cancer. My dad immediately (3 months) remarried his AP. They had a baby & divorced 2 years later. That was it for my "family" other than an older half -brother I adored who walked away without a second glance when my dad remarried. My dad's second wife (23... He was 44 ) blamed their divorce on me. She didn't want to"share" my dad with me.

I have so many hurts to work on. I desperately need counseling.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:15 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

norabird posted 3/7/2014 11:10 AM


Take comfort in knowing that while you have many emotional injuries to sort are willing to do the work. To get IC and figure yourself out, to expand your world until you have a rich life of friends and interests...that's what it means to be capable of growth and learning from your experiences. You can still become a better, more full person, it's up to you to seize the opportunity! It's always possible to rebuild and have a healthy life even if you can't get your WH to do the same. His loss!

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 11:26 AM

Thank you Nora. Yes. Lots to work on. I'm trying to break free of the fear & depression and branch out. I have many interests: dog obedience training, gourmet cooking, customizing cars, trout fishing, reading, etc.
I'm just going to have to learn to do these things without WH.
I'M definitely willing to do the work. I just need to press myself on stepping out of the comfort zone WHILE also hurting terribly & being disrespected by someone I adored( & allowed to have too much of my life's focus, undeservedly).

I'll get there eventually. One day at a time. Keep telling myself this is all new (the A confirmation) & not to freak out.
I week get past this heart sick terror.
I have to.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:28 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 13:24 PM

Ugh. He just left the house to "have lunch with the guys from work".
Sucks that I don't believe it for a second.
I'm pretty positive she's the "guy" & the lunch. This hurts so bad.

OK now posted 3/7/2014 13:34 PM

All you can do is grit your teeth and hold on. After a while you won't care if he 'lunches' with all of the Dallas cheerleaders. Just as long as he doesn't touch you.

Does Mr. control freak 'permit' you to have a credit card or is that also denied?

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 15:14 PM

Lol on the Dallas Cheerleaders.

For awhile I had 3 credit cards that were maxed out. Now they are in collections. They haven't been paid since he left in Oct. 12.
We just couldn't afford it once he left.
I could never get past a interview without experience & with obvious physical limitations in order to earn money to pay them.

I was wondering what people's take is. Perspective & advice appreciated...
both he (& my daughter ) say he's technically free to date. We are separated, and both said that I should have "seen this coming" or "it was a long time coming". Wow.
(Excuse me for loving my husband & wanting to believe the best if him. So shoot me)!

I feel we are married until the divorce is signed & official ( we have ZERO legal paperwork filed).
Am I out of line considering this cheating considering we spent every weekend the entire S together & continued a sexual relationship?
He texted a few months ago that he was thinking we were on a "good path". To me that's leading me on, if he's also sleeping with someone else & spending the week with her (told me he was staying with friends) while working away from home.

Although separated we continued to hang out, eat, go to movies, do home projects, take day trips, & text daily (all day/ most evenings). Basically he's used me for companionship & sex while detaching and moving on. Leaving me attached to him, with hope things would work out.

F*cked up, if you ask me!
I just don't get the level of cruelty. I never purposefully hurt him(although I know I did with my depression & anger overt my illness & years of misdiagnosis)
How is it so easy for him to try & destroy me , treat me as if I'm insignificant/disposable?
Especially when he wad cheated on one & STILL isn't over it (his first love in highschool, & I swear I've seen more emotion out of him talking about that break up to me, than OURS. THEY dated 6 months! ).
I just DO NOT get it. I really, really don't.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:38 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

OK now posted 3/7/2014 17:41 PM

Of course he's a cheat; more than that he is a selfish cheat who only considers his own needs. Also a consummate liar.

Your debts are his debts so I would be inclined not to rush into divorce until you are back on sound financial footing. In fact I would refuse to sign any divorce decree and slow down the process. Anything to help you survive and frustrate the adulterous pair. Hopefully your daughter will side with you on most issues.

norabird posted 3/7/2014 17:57 PM

Yes, it's cruel and senseless to be misled.

The best thing you can do is detach in the way he is. Not by finding someone else, but by stopping all the 'couple' activities. It's the only way you can protect yourself from being hurt by his continuing the A. I'm sorry this is the situation you're in .

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 18:21 PM

Hugs to everyone. Thanks for the replies!
I don't want to file. He wants this. .. He can do the work. My main
fear is my own emotional health. .. which is precarious atm.

I really do not recognize the person he's become. Even towards his own mother.

(**Saw you posted as I wrote the following, Nora).

Today we went to Sam's club. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy& my hands do not have much strength, so I rarely shop alone (my doc says I may need a caregiver in as little as 3 years. My joints are all fusing together & I'm losing muscle strength).
I picked up 5 pounds of cheese & struggled to not drop it. He usually carries everything for me. I handed it to him & he says, "Why you giving this to me to hold? It's yours". He carried it out anyway, but I had to pay for it from the small $ I have. He also perused the beer & said he should buy a huge case if it & a carton of smokes. Annoying since he has significant heart & liver problems. But i know OW drinks & smokes...(we rarely ever drank & he had quit smoking 18 years ago). It's like he's reveling in freedom,rubbing it in... as if just being married meant he had no choice or freedom. Weird. He was always the one with the "cool wife" ( i like cars, motorcycles, pool table, man caves, fishing, eyc).And hurtful because he knows these are MORE bad choices. He's free to do as he wishes, always has been. I say nothing now. Yes, before I probably would have commented he didn't need that garbage. I am very careful not to say ANYTHING about what he does now. I act add I'd i don't notice. He's only hurting himself & our kids (if it were to hasten his health deterioration).
After this weirdness we went outside & he bought me a rubber duckie from the Veterans stand because he knows I like rubber duckies & donating to the Vets
( I'm getting a duckie tattoo someday, it represents one of my dogs, who loves to swim).. He also gave me $20 abd said go get something you want to eat & I'll BBQ dinner.
Funny, eh?
The man is confused... & confusing!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 6:56 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

K Phantom posted 3/7/2014 19:08 PM

I really sorry you are here (((((damnUnicorns)))))

I hate to be the 2/4 but he's treating you like you are number 2 and you seem to be going along with it. that's just not acceptable imho. You should be number one and nothing less.

i'm saying a prayer for you and i hope things get better soon. When you get through this you will be an emotional supper woman!

damnUnicorns posted 3/7/2014 21:17 PM

Thanks Phantom. I know it. I just don't know what to do to change it.
I mean I know, but implementing it in my sitch is going to be hard ( I realize it's always hard, for everyone).

I just wish I had family so I had someplace safe & loving to go. That would change things so much for me right now.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:19 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

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