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WH is transparent, so I have to be too??

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lovehatelove posted 3/7/2014 05:48 AM

I have nothing to hide.. WH has no reason not to trust me... I'm upfront and honest with him..

We were talking about him being transparent last night, and he says that it should go both ways... that I should be transparent too....

Is this how it's supposed to work...?

He had the same (kind of) thought about the Love Languages... his was words of affirmation and mine was gift giving.... he said that since I need gifts from him to feel loved, that I'm supposed to give him gifts, even though that's not what his love language is...??! not everything in our marriage needs to go both ways..

He's the one who had the A, and now I'm supposed to be doing the same thing that a WS should do??

I don't get it.... it's just really getting to me!

BrokenButTrying posted 3/7/2014 06:20 AM

Are you both fully committed to R? Then yes, you should be transparent too. Not quite in the same way, you don't need to provide proof of phone calls, your whereabouts etc in the same way a WS does. But if you're just talking about general knowing passwords to phones, facebook, email and the like then yes, there should be transparency. You have nothing to hide so there's no problem with that, right? Afterall, you are working towards an equal relationship.

From what I understand of love languages, you find out your spouse's language and make an effort to speak to them in that way, rather than in your own preferred language.
So no, if your WS love language is words of affirmation and he got a low score on gift giving then you should communicate mainly in I his higest scoring language, words of affirmation.
However, if he scored high on gift giving too (it's possible to have two high scoring love languages) and he's trying to communicate that need to you, then listen to him.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 6:22 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

naivewife posted 3/7/2014 06:25 AM

Yes, you should be transparent too - when you're ready. Judging by your registration date, I assume your d-day just happened recently? At this point, you owe him nothing, he is unsafe to you, and you should not reciprocate. You need to keep yourself safe. At this point you should not trust him in any way, not even to be aware of your communications, etc. You need your privacy right now. Your husband has become your worst enemy. He needs to prove he is a safe person for you to open back up to. It takes time. And depending on well his does with transparency and remorse, it can take a lot of time. I always had been fully transparent with WH, and I believe ALL spouses should be fully transparent with each other, (I don't believe in this privacy/secrecy BS that is so popular with personal phones, emails, texting) but on d-day I immediately went non-transparent, all passwords were changed and my life was closed off from him. In time, I slowly opened back up to him by sharing my passwords etc. It was a gift to him and he knew it. He earned that transparency back. Your WH is asking for gifts when the greatest gift you have given him is still talking to him and letting him live under the same roof. Eventually, when he has proven himself, you do need to grant him the same full transparency he owes you right now, and should have been in place from the day you said "I do."

naivewife posted 3/7/2014 06:27 AM

Sorry, now I see your d-day listed! It was last February? Then yes, if he is doing the work of R, and you feel safe, then I believe you should be fully transparent with him as well. Secrecy has no place in a marriage.

bionicgal posted 3/7/2014 06:33 AM

Yep - transparency both ways. Welcome to marriage!

LA44 posted 3/7/2014 06:39 AM

In agreement with the other posters lovehatelove. Transparency is a NEED in our marriage - and it works both ways.

lovehatelove posted 3/7/2014 07:16 AM

Thank you all for your responses...

I apologize in advance for my reply as I am currently having an emotional breakdown....

and I understand the need for transparency in a marriage.....

but I have a problem with that....

even though it's a year out from Dday, I still hate WH... I hate what he did to us and our family... I don't love him and I haven't said it in a long time.. I want to leave him, but our current situation is preventing me from doing that.... how can I put effort into this marriage when I see divorce in the future...? this hurt I feel from the A is just too much sometimes... it feels like the deal breaker for me.... I don't have the energy to put forth the effort needed to save our marriage......

he doesn't deserve anything from me... he lost the right to get anything in return from me when he decided to have an A... I wish I didn't have these thoughts and feelings.. I wish that the effort he's putting into our marriage was enough for me to be committed to R... but it's not......

I just hate that this A has shattered me... it has made me a bitter and ungrateful person.... I want to be me again........ thank you for listening......

Expat2 posted 3/7/2014 08:16 AM

I see people say "gently" I am speaking to myself as much as I am speaking to you.

Seeing as you "cannot" leave,just as I cannot leave,the one thing we can do is this.(and my therapist "hurt" me deeply this week when she suggested this.)

You can 1. Establish your values.All of them.2.Live accordingly.

Take me:Expat woman.Havent worked in too many years to even count.Work experience way too out of date to even be allowed a visa to work here.Home country a nightmare of unemployment.Nearly 50 years old.Use to a VERY comfortable life.Have 1 special needs (very expensive) child.

I was ready to leave anyway.Was begged to stay.I stayed.Big mistake.The A ended.The old patterns of behaviour didnt.But should I leave now,I WILL BE THE ONE TO BREAK UP THE FAMILY. (my kids are adopted,sooo complicated as family is so important to them)

Now I am living my values.Not allowing this to destroy me.Focussing on my values.Taking my focus off my SO.Making real,great memories with my kids.Doing things of value with them.Creating great family values for them.Doing this for myself.Taking care of myself.

REALLY living day by day.Not thinking,worrying or obsessing about the future.

I'm really guarded with my privacy for the first time ever.I am expressing my feelings without worrying what he will feel about it or how he will react to it,in a kind way,not a mean way.

I read the BS diet and am doing it.I dont love my WS,but I dont look at the future.Now,I look at today!The future doesnt exist yet.I cannot unknow what I know.But that is ok too.I cannot force myself to love,accept or forgive.But for today,that is ok as I am having a great time cycling with my kids,walking the dogs with my kids,watching a very funny sitcom with my kids,experiencing THIS moment and making great memories with them.

Tomorrow I may struggle with all of this.But then I will defuse my mind.Accept my feelings,work towards my goal which is to have a good day,living my values.

Until this week,I was so stuck,ungreatful and just couldnt see a future.For now,I can see that I do not have to worry about anything but today.

My question now is,will today be an authentic day,a good day,with good memories,even thought my Ws is still the same indifferent,unconnected egotistical AH?

Dont allow this to change you.Remember who you are.Focus on who you are.Dont think about the future,who knows what it may hold?Observe your thoughts and feelings and live your values anyway.

Best quote I ever heard was,the harder I try,the luckier I get.

I know this might aound so airy fairy..took me 6 months to "get it" (and I might lose it

But speak your mind,in a kind honest about needing to guard your privacy.Make no excuses for this.Allow time to be your friend.

Ugg,this might sound like babbling but it so such freedom to know what being your authentic self really is.

Good luck and try taking the focus of your WS and focus on yourself,being real and THIS MOMENT,it changes everything!

Just one more thought.I have to take my mind away from the thoughts that gets me stuck,all the time.It takes a lot of practise.And when we talk,I have to express myself clearly,in simple language,short sentences so that he can understand.Then I have to not fret about how he feels (yes,he feels certain things,entitlements bla bla bla,but can still choose his actions)about it as my feelings are real.


BtraydWife posted 3/7/2014 08:54 AM

Look, if you feel unsafe sharing stuff with him then don't. You have to believe he is in it fully for you to be in fully and it sounds like that's not the case.

I shared stuff with my WS that I found on SI early on. He turned it around and used it to manipulate me. Of all the stuff he did, that hurts the most.

If you don't feel you can trust his motivations or that he's not fully committed to R then I think it's absurd for you to hand it over.

I think the love language thing is telling. He sounds like a pompous asshole who is playing tit for tat with you. He thinks just because your love language is gifts that if he gets you some that you have to do the same even though it's not his love language?

He's keeping score and playing dirty. You have no obligation to feed his ego in the ways he is asking. He is manipulating things to mess with you.

No-you don't have to give him access to everything and doing so would make yourself more vulnerable to him.

I would agree that you should be fully in ONLY if you felt he was. He's not, so protect yourself.

lovehatelove posted 3/7/2014 09:17 AM


Thank you for your response.. I hope that one day I can live in the moment and not have the past haunt me.. I have a long road ahead of me.... but I'm confident that I will get there one day...!

Now I am living my values.Not allowing this to destroy me.Focussing on my values.Taking my focus off my SO.Making real,great memories with my kids.Doing things of value with them.Creating great family values for them.Doing this for myself.Taking care of myself.

This is awesome!!! and I'm proud of you for being able to do this..

MovingUpward posted 3/7/2014 09:52 AM

Has he worked on his issues that led to the affair? From what you wrote it sounds like he might be trying to bury the fact that he hasn't done anything with that by creating "issues" to take the focus off of that and so that he has some power in return. If he hasn't gotten to the root of the issues for the A and if he isn't working in remorse to repair the damage then refocus the spotlight. You will have to judge if he is attempting to do this.

Ostrich80 posted 3/7/2014 10:05 AM

I may be the minority here but with a DD only a couple of weeks ago, I don't think she should have to abide by the transparency rules like he does. At this point after DD, my ws was snooping in my phone trying to see what I knew about him. He knows my phone is my diary, my thoughts, my detective notes concerning HIM!! Plus I think it could be used as a way to take focus off of the ws. If he looks through her phone and starts asking who's # this is and why did you tall so long. Plus my phone had texts I kept so I would remember things. Yea I just don't agree until true R and a later date.

Lonelygirl10 posted 3/7/2014 10:20 AM

I believe that a healthy relationship had transparency on both sides.

However, I took away transparency after Dday. Part of my discovery was that he had been secretly reading my email and using the things he read in order to fool me. He knew when I was worried about something because he read it, so he was able to "fix" it. He also learned a lot about my fears that way, and learned what to say that would have the most effect.

I also felt violated that he was reading my stuff while telling me that he wasn't. So I changed all my passwords because I didn't feel safe to be transparent.

My ideal relationship in the future will have all passwords known by both people though. And people will respect privacy unless there's a reason not to.

Undefinabl3 posted 3/7/2014 10:27 AM

Are you both fully committed to R? Then yes, you should be transparent too.

Agreed, but only in true full R is this true. If your WS is requesting this before all of the peramiters of full R is in effect, then I would let them know that it is not how its going to work, and full T comes from you when you feel like you can trust him more.

Ideally, this is the way a marriage should be anyway. The ability to access anything of your spouses at any time for any reason. So, to get back to a full strong committed and trusting marriage, you have to work together and be on the same page.

steadfast1973 posted 3/7/2014 10:28 AM

I was always transparent... why change now? We should have both been transparent the whole time.

Transparency does have to go both ways in order to R.

Expat2 posted 3/7/2014 10:28 AM


I have really hated myself,Ws and my life so much for the past 6 months that I was like a roaring lion in a cage.My therapist kept on telling me focus on this moment.I thought she was nuts as my thoughts were so fused with everything going on.

Now,I litterally have to tell myself all the time,focus on the monment.DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE,WHILE THE THOUGHTS ARE STILL THERE!

It really works,vut it is hard hard work!I really have to force myself as I just want to feel,not focus on doing while feeling.I find its the actions that defuses my mind.

Good luck and maybe start trying this,little by little,baby steps!


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