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joannie posted 3/7/2014 07:04 AM

Having just posted a reply to a post about forgiving, when on earth does it stop consuming your life...the thoughts about the OW are with me all the time, i feel like i am a crazy person, shaking inside, she takes up too much space..go round the house calling her names in my head, wishing her no good...wishing her pain, aargh...wishing more than anything she would just disappear, but she isn't going to do or get any of things i wish for so when does it stop , are there any ways you can advise to lessen these thoughts..spend too much in fact nearly all my time going mad, I know it took two for the A but believe me she was orrible as they say in France

bionicgal posted 3/7/2014 07:15 AM

It is funny joannie, there is a stereotype in the US that affairs are considered "ok" in France (more in European countries, but France in particular)-- and that we are just too puritanical in the US to be focused on fidelity. Not to t/j, but I wondered if you knew that was the perception here and what you thought? End t/j

I am not sure when your dday was, but I was consumed with thoughts of the AP for months (she was a friend.) I have to say that maybe just in the last couple of weeks it has started to slack off a bit. (We are almost 9 months out.) I am starting to see her as she is -- a footnote to our long marriage. It helps that we are working hard on our marriage, and it is often when I leave MC that I see her the most clearly. Are you in MC?

Try to be gentle with yourself, and realize that this is a normal stage and WILL pass - I promise.

joannie posted 3/7/2014 07:26 AM

to some french people it is not such a big deal.........it's 6 months (Just from R, about 11 from finding out )It is a common belief and in many cases its true, in a small hamlet like ours, most knew about it way before me..to me A Brit it is s BIG deal...have not had MC as h does not believe in it, i had some C but finished it, am trying to get over It now......thanks it helps to see a light somewhere

I think I can posted 3/7/2014 07:41 AM

I hate to say it, hun--but something like a couple of years at least....

Howie posted 3/7/2014 08:23 AM

Joannie, you are on a long hard road.The obsessive natured pain,is absolutely part of it, which in my case would come and go in devastating, frequent "gear change" cycles.When it gets better is goign to vary from person to person; we differ as to persons,the betrayal, the actions of our partners, the circumstances after-yours,having to see the other woman, is tough.
For a time,the pain is unavoidable.We are processing immense injury.But after a time, the pain (perhaps)always there at a deep level, is a major part of the injury when it changes to obsessive-when you can't move on beyond it. Me. it took six months to get out of the disfunctional zone; perhaps eight until I got some of my mental freedom back.
The pain focus on the OW will make its own trending. Every time I think you can beat it back will help beat it back long term: small victories matter more than like scaled defeats. Try to take the anger at OW and put it as fast as you can,in to some specific project.Try the common mental "trick" of seeing it as a tv channel-and mentally change the channel-this is like yoga. I do feel a keeping a journal can be a real help in controlling the emotional fall. You open the cover,you express your feelings-- you close the cover.Just the "objective expression" can help break the run away pain.
My case was different,I hated my wife's lover so much,my "best" friend, I was able to (mentally) "kill" him off very early on.There are good people here and do stay tuned for their better suggestions. You know this but may I say, the OW is human, all too human and is not worthy of your anger-hate because YOU, the innocent, pay the price of it, not her. Joannie, it will get better.