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User Topic: He doesn't want me on SI
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't the first time he has said this. He thinks that all it does is trigger me, it doesn't provide me with helpful tools, and that people say things about him on my posts and that because someone said it, I believe it and use it agains him. One minute he says, "and if you posted that on SI what would they say?" Meaning that I'm wrong about something and that I need all your opinions to show me I am. And then the next he'll say the opposite, "they're situations are not the same so it doesn't matter what people say."

Ya know what is a trigger, WH? Life. I can't drive without seeing or hitting a red light. Ya know...when you two would play your little kissing game in the work van. I have to drive past the bar/restaurant almost everyday that you invited it to see your band while I was there, too. I can't even touch my own thighs because that's where you would touch each other in the work van. I cringe when my own kids put their hands there. Ya know what else...babies. Not just because of the miscarriages. But because we were talking about just one more while you were deep in your A. Because then you took the choice away from us. Ya know what else? Our own daughter's middle name. Because I saw the text that you sent saying her name and when she asked what, you said you just wanted to say her beautiful name. Ya know what else? Every blonde woman out there because I'm not. So yes...SI triggers me. Because it is full if life! But you know what would be the most helpful? A remorseful spouse who doesn't lie, abuse, and hurt me. On SI I am not alone. I have thousands of people who understand.

So you know what I say about leaving SI?
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iGJgyuAu6eo

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:07 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Me (BW): 32
WH: 34 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
lilacs40
♀ 31314
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Hugs)

It just plain sucks. I wish there were words to take away all of our pain. Sometimes it seems even time doesn't do that.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
omgnome
♂ 36888
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have somewhat of a similar experience. My WW hates that I go to this site. Her counselor thinks it doesn't help, our MC says it could be helpful but it's not a substitute for IC. I do think it's a bit telling that the overall collective response I get to my posts is almost spot on to what my IC tells me. That's not to say that all advice given here is good or bad, you have to understand where posters are coming from when giving their advice and take that into consideration. For me though I view SI as a sort of support group, where you talk with your peers and help each other to resolve issues. It does help me to know there are others out there that are going through the same sort of situation I am going through, to know that I'm not alone in all of this.


BS

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was hilarious, TCD. Not your feelings, the link.

I am sorry you have so many triggers that you struggle with.

(((TCD)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what. I doesn't matter if he doesn't want you here. What do you want? If you get something out of SI then come here. If you don't then its time to go. Its not his choice its your


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*snort* Since when is he a paragon of wisdom?

(((((TCD))))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6424 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TCD))

I'm sorry. My wxh also hated SI. I think it's because he wasn't truly remorseful. I can't speak to TTMU's state of remorse, but that's what I saw in my situation.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7813 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh. Who cares. If you want to be here, then be here. He doesn't have to like it.

FWH doesn't like it that Im here either. He thinks it triggers me..that it causes me to think of questions I hadn't asked before...that it gives me "ideas."

So...basically...he doesn't like me being here because it affects HIM. He might have to answer another question...or he might have to talk about what he did *again.*

I say too damn bad. His actions, like your WH's, brought me to this point..and this place. I have the right to find support for the trauma he has caused me. So do you.


I *am* sorry that he seems to be backsliding. Mine did too. It's like 3 steps forward, and two steps back. I told him recently he can either get it together or I would continue to walk forward..and leave his ass behind.

((((TCD))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just so dumb. I barely post. Recently it's just been venting because this is where people understand. I don't even bring up anything to him. I read in off topic and fun and games and all I do is read. That's it. I have no ulterior motives. I'm not trying to make myself sad. I am not trying to find the one needle in the haystack to prove him wrong. I'm just reading. Sheesh.

Eta: I do read in general. But again...I read...that's it.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:21 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Me (BW): 32
WH: 34 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ridiculous.

FWH came in this morning and saw I was looking at Stupid Picture Friday, kinda froze, then slowly backed out of the room.

I wanted to turn around and yell, "BOO!"

Keep posting TCD. Keep reading. He doesn't like it? Well, you didn't like his affair either.

Screw him.

( Im in an I.Don't.Give.A.Shit mood, so my advice may not be the best today... )

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:20 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it very common for WS to hate SI...particularly early on.

Waywards go from a fantasy world in which they believe they are in total CONTROL to the realization that control, like the relationship they thought they were experiencing, is pure fantasy.

Control such as they decide how far they can take a relationship and NOT be infidelity...then how far they can take infidelity before it becomes adultery. They also determine the time and duration of the time they spend with their AP, how much they share or don't share with BS, develop methods of deception that are used to "control" their world.....keeping everyone "close to them" a safe distance away from them so that they can conduct what they want to, when they want, and how they want to.

A BS involvement in SI bursts that bubble hard. Anger is used to try and get that needle out of the BS hands.

"Our twisted minds get us in the mess we get into. It is illogical to think that same twisted mind will get you out of the mess."

Read that as part of my journey away from porn. It was talking about the futality of "white knuckling" it and thinking that just simply not using porn would be the silver bullet.

There is real need for relationship, for fellowship when dealing with pain. We see that with the "normal pain" such as fighting cancer, loosing a loved one, loosing a job, etc.. We wouldn't think about NOT sharing and leaning on solid people for support during this time.

Adultery causing pain at the traumatic level for most BS's. I don't belive a fWS will ever be able to grasp this concept...because they were in control and the destruction was slow and developed as they determined it would. A BS has this reality thrust upon them all at once....no choices, no consultation, no control.....just hit with it.

I get that a WS could feel like they were hit with it as their BS posts on SI....but it is not the same. They see what the BS is up to from the very begining. They may not like it, but it was not secret or hidden.

We are not equipped nor meant to handle this on our own. MC and therapy are nice (have done a lot of this), but there is a reason there are support groups like ALANON, SANON, Veterans groups, cancer survivor groups, 9-11 support groups, AA....their is real value from coming together over similar pain. SI provides that to me. Retrouvaille provided that in real-life form for us to be a part of.

For me, SI has been and continues to be beneficial to me and our marriage. There are boundaries needed here, and I have stumbled as I find and develop those....but at the core of my pain is this need to visit with others who have experienced similar pain.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. My wxh also hated SI. I think it's because he wasn't truly remorseful. I can't speak to TTMU's state of remorse, but that's what I saw in my situation.

Interesting thought WilliesMom...could see this. Wifes hatered was really really high early on.

I am sorry your husband did not own his shit. I am glad you found the courage to D and free yourself from the repeating cycle that will be a part of him until he chooses to change. My wifes fAP is choosing as your husband is.....might have some regret (though I don't think he has much of any of that even judging by actions I have witnessed) but no remorse. His wife is not finding the courage to do what you did.

Sisoon warned someone recently to NOT invite their WS to join or look at SI, at least not until real remorse showed up.....he thought it would actually stand a chance of hurting the M and chance for R.

I see wisdom in this advice.

Unfortunately, my co-dependent nature influenced me to tell my wife about it almost immediately....thinking their was wisdom that could help save our marriage and family.

She was still in the fog and had no remorse....just regret.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with confused. This isn't about you, it's about him. Selfish him. Self protecting him. In control him. Scared him. Weak him.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's controlling and manipulative.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Screw that. We like you here TCD. We want you here if you want to be. We are your support when he is not and no one to understand your pain and emotions.

He doesn't like it because it is real. Full of REAL people and we may give you strength. He doesn't want to lose that control.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2870 | Registered: Aug 2011
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see your D Day was back in 2011 and you're still unhappy with him.

I'm sure it's because you read SI and not because he's a complete douche.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH hated ANYTHING that gave me a voice, or took his abusive control away. He hated FB, email, talking to the friends who were independent and confident.
He did like the BFF that I USED to have. The one that was telling me it was ME and not him. The one that encouraged me to rugsweep. Oh, wait, she was secretly calling him and telling him everything I vented about and was asking him to keep secrets! Silly me, I dropped her as a friend and never looked back.
He didn't like SI, even though he didn't know anything about it and I didn't tell him anything more than it was an informational sight about infidelity and healthy marriages.
He was still cheating, still gaslighting, and still an asswhwole.
Well he is still an asswhole, but I'm D'ing him.
ETA: TCD, I'm finally getting my happy back. The happy I had pre-M. I'm healthier too! I had to ask myself, was I truly happy in the M, or did I just love him so much that I didn't know up from down anymore. Took me a few months of separation to realize that I just couldn't live with someone who disrespected me so much, then blamed me for being his victim. I deserved so much better. Hell by myself I'm better.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:48 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry you have so many triggers. That's terrible.

I have to say though, I LMFAO at that link. Awesome!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2348 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
last.chance65
♀ 15989
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH hated SI because he was not truly remorseful. He also said that it was nothing but a trigger of bitter people that had it out against him, when they didn’t even know him. He hated SI because it revealed who he really was, even when he didn’t want to do so.

To me, SI was the only help, the only faithful friend I had when I could talk to no one else. SI was the only constant that would understand and knew more than I ever would. In addition I learned that SI was also a tool, similar to a GPS, keylogger, etc. that I knew I could not reveal as a source.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 604 | Registered: Aug 2007
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry TCD that really sucks!

Mine used to say the same thing, but my WH does not get to control me or my life so SI it is !


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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