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He doesn't want me on SI

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 3/7/2014 08:05 AM

This isn't the first time he has said this. He thinks that all it does is trigger me, it doesn't provide me with helpful tools, and that people say things about him on my posts and that because someone said it, I believe it and use it agains him. One minute he says, "and if you posted that on SI what would they say?" Meaning that I'm wrong about something and that I need all your opinions to show me I am. And then the next he'll say the opposite, "they're situations are not the same so it doesn't matter what people say."

Ya know what is a trigger, WH? Life. I can't drive without seeing or hitting a red light. Ya know...when you two would play your little kissing game in the work van. I have to drive past the bar/restaurant almost everyday that you invited it to see your band while I was there, too. I can't even touch my own thighs because that's where you would touch each other in the work van. I cringe when my own kids put their hands there. Ya know what else...babies. Not just because of the miscarriages. But because we were talking about just one more while you were deep in your A. Because then you took the choice away from us. Ya know what else? Our own daughter's middle name. Because I saw the text that you sent saying her name and when she asked what, you said you just wanted to say her beautiful name. Ya know what else? Every blonde woman out there because I'm not. So yes...SI triggers me. Because it is full if life! But you know what would be the most helpful? A remorseful spouse who doesn't lie, abuse, and hurt me. On SI I am not alone. I have thousands of people who understand.

So you know what I say about leaving SI?
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iGJgyuAu6eo

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:07 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

lilacs40 posted 3/7/2014 08:15 AM

(Hugs)

It just plain sucks. I wish there were words to take away all of our pain. Sometimes it seems even time doesn't do that.

omgnome posted 3/7/2014 08:15 AM

I have somewhat of a similar experience. My WW hates that I go to this site. Her counselor thinks it doesn't help, our MC says it could be helpful but it's not a substitute for IC. I do think it's a bit telling that the overall collective response I get to my posts is almost spot on to what my IC tells me. That's not to say that all advice given here is good or bad, you have to understand where posters are coming from when giving their advice and take that into consideration. For me though I view SI as a sort of support group, where you talk with your peers and help each other to resolve issues. It does help me to know there are others out there that are going through the same sort of situation I am going through, to know that I'm not alone in all of this.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/7/2014 08:16 AM

That was hilarious, TCD. Not your feelings, the link.

I am sorry you have so many triggers that you struggle with.

(((TCD)))

jjsr posted 3/7/2014 08:17 AM

You know what. I doesn't matter if he doesn't want you here. What do you want? If you get something out of SI then come here. If you don't then its time to go. Its not his choice its your

Aubrie posted 3/7/2014 08:19 AM

*snort* Since when is he a paragon of wisdom?

(((((TCD))))))

Williesmom posted 3/7/2014 08:21 AM

((TCD))

I'm sorry. My wxh also hated SI. I think it's because he wasn't truly remorseful. I can't speak to TTMU's state of remorse, but that's what I saw in my situation.

confused615 posted 3/7/2014 08:27 AM

Meh. Who cares. If you want to be here, then be here. He doesn't have to like it.

FWH doesn't like it that Im here either. He thinks it triggers me..that it causes me to think of questions I hadn't asked before...that it gives me "ideas."

So...basically...he doesn't like me being here because it affects HIM. He might have to answer another question...or he might have to talk about what he did *again.*

I say too damn bad. His actions, like your WH's, brought me to this point..and this place. I have the right to find support for the trauma he has caused me. So do you.


I *am* sorry that he seems to be backsliding. Mine did too. It's like 3 steps forward, and two steps back. I told him recently he can either get it together or I would continue to walk forward..and leave his ass behind.

((((TCD))))

TattoodChinaDoll posted 3/7/2014 09:15 AM

It's just so dumb. I barely post. Recently it's just been venting because this is where people understand. I don't even bring up anything to him. I read in off topic and fun and games and all I do is read. That's it. I have no ulterior motives. I'm not trying to make myself sad. I am not trying to find the one needle in the haystack to prove him wrong. I'm just reading. Sheesh.

Eta: I do read in general. But again...I read...that's it.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:21 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 3/7/2014 09:20 AM

It's ridiculous.

FWH came in this morning and saw I was looking at Stupid Picture Friday, kinda froze, then slowly backed out of the room.

I wanted to turn around and yell, "BOO!"

Keep posting TCD. Keep reading. He doesn't like it? Well, you didn't like his affair either.

Screw him.

( Im in an I.Don't.Give.A.Shit mood, so my advice may not be the best today... )

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:20 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 3/7/2014 09:32 AM

I think it very common for WS to hate SI...particularly early on.

Waywards go from a fantasy world in which they believe they are in total CONTROL to the realization that control, like the relationship they thought they were experiencing, is pure fantasy.

Control such as they decide how far they can take a relationship and NOT be infidelity...then how far they can take infidelity before it becomes adultery. They also determine the time and duration of the time they spend with their AP, how much they share or don't share with BS, develop methods of deception that are used to "control" their world.....keeping everyone "close to them" a safe distance away from them so that they can conduct what they want to, when they want, and how they want to.

A BS involvement in SI bursts that bubble hard. Anger is used to try and get that needle out of the BS hands.

"Our twisted minds get us in the mess we get into. It is illogical to think that same twisted mind will get you out of the mess."

Read that as part of my journey away from porn. It was talking about the futality of "white knuckling" it and thinking that just simply not using porn would be the silver bullet.

There is real need for relationship, for fellowship when dealing with pain. We see that with the "normal pain" such as fighting cancer, loosing a loved one, loosing a job, etc.. We wouldn't think about NOT sharing and leaning on solid people for support during this time.

Adultery causing pain at the traumatic level for most BS's. I don't belive a fWS will ever be able to grasp this concept...because they were in control and the destruction was slow and developed as they determined it would. A BS has this reality thrust upon them all at once....no choices, no consultation, no control.....just hit with it.

I get that a WS could feel like they were hit with it as their BS posts on SI....but it is not the same. They see what the BS is up to from the very begining. They may not like it, but it was not secret or hidden.

We are not equipped nor meant to handle this on our own. MC and therapy are nice (have done a lot of this), but there is a reason there are support groups like ALANON, SANON, Veterans groups, cancer survivor groups, 9-11 support groups, AA....their is real value from coming together over similar pain. SI provides that to me. Retrouvaille provided that in real-life form for us to be a part of.

For me, SI has been and continues to be beneficial to me and our marriage. There are boundaries needed here, and I have stumbled as I find and develop those....but at the core of my pain is this need to visit with others who have experienced similar pain.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 3/7/2014 09:37 AM

I'm sorry. My wxh also hated SI. I think it's because he wasn't truly remorseful. I can't speak to TTMU's state of remorse, but that's what I saw in my situation.

Interesting thought WilliesMom...could see this. Wifes hatered was really really high early on.

I am sorry your husband did not own his shit. I am glad you found the courage to D and free yourself from the repeating cycle that will be a part of him until he chooses to change. My wifes fAP is choosing as your husband is.....might have some regret (though I don't think he has much of any of that even judging by actions I have witnessed) but no remorse. His wife is not finding the courage to do what you did.

Sisoon warned someone recently to NOT invite their WS to join or look at SI, at least not until real remorse showed up.....he thought it would actually stand a chance of hurting the M and chance for R.

I see wisdom in this advice.

Unfortunately, my co-dependent nature influenced me to tell my wife about it almost immediately....thinking their was wisdom that could help save our marriage and family.

She was still in the fog and had no remorse....just regret.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

seenow posted 3/7/2014 09:39 AM

I agree with confused. This isn't about you, it's about him. Selfish him. Self protecting him. In control him. Scared him. Weak him.

Rebreather posted 3/7/2014 10:49 AM

It's controlling and manipulative.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/7/2014 11:03 AM

Screw that. We like you here TCD. We want you here if you want to be. We are your support when he is not and no one to understand your pain and emotions.

He doesn't like it because it is real. Full of REAL people and we may give you strength. He doesn't want to lose that control.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/7/2014 11:48 AM

I see your D Day was back in 2011 and you're still unhappy with him.

I'm sure it's because you read SI and not because he's a complete douche.

StillLivin posted 3/7/2014 13:46 PM

My STBXH hated ANYTHING that gave me a voice, or took his abusive control away. He hated FB, email, talking to the friends who were independent and confident.
He did like the BFF that I USED to have. The one that was telling me it was ME and not him. The one that encouraged me to rugsweep. Oh, wait, she was secretly calling him and telling him everything I vented about and was asking him to keep secrets! Silly me, I dropped her as a friend and never looked back.
He didn't like SI, even though he didn't know anything about it and I didn't tell him anything more than it was an informational sight about infidelity and healthy marriages.
He was still cheating, still gaslighting, and still an asswhwole.
Well he is still an asswhole, but I'm D'ing him.
ETA: TCD, I'm finally getting my happy back. The happy I had pre-M. I'm healthier too! I had to ask myself, was I truly happy in the M, or did I just love him so much that I didn't know up from down anymore. Took me a few months of separation to realize that I just couldn't live with someone who disrespected me so much, then blamed me for being his victim. I deserved so much better. Hell by myself I'm better.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:48 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 3/7/2014 14:08 PM

I'm very sorry you have so many triggers. That's terrible.

I have to say though, I LMFAO at that link. Awesome!

last.chance65 posted 3/7/2014 14:20 PM

My WH hated SI because he was not truly remorseful. He also said that it was nothing but a trigger of bitter people that had it out against him, when they didnít even know him. He hated SI because it revealed who he really was, even when he didnít want to do so.

To me, SI was the only help, the only faithful friend I had when I could talk to no one else. SI was the only constant that would understand and knew more than I ever would. In addition I learned that SI was also a tool, similar to a GPS, keylogger, etc. that I knew I could not reveal as a source.

crazyblindsided posted 3/7/2014 14:34 PM

Sorry TCD that really sucks!

Mine used to say the same thing, but my WH does not get to control me or my life so SI it is !

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