The ugly truth is, that since the A I have hated myself,I have loathed the mere sight of me,I cant stand to look at my body,or even look at myself in the mirror.I feel worthless,still have suicidal thoughts,and do not feel special. Its much deeper than that but it is what it is. My WH's A destroyed the self confidence that I had, it destroyed the feeling of us being soulmates, the feeling that I was special, and destroyed what I thought we had.
I love him. I am hurt, but I love him and I am trying R, he could try harder. I feel very alone.
I naively thought that he came over from England to be with ME. I naively thought that I was the only woman he looked at, thought about, and found sexually attractive.
I was wrong. I thought we were soulmates. I was wrong. I thought we were connected to each other, but I was wrong...I didnt realize he was cheating until much later.
THE UGLY TRUTH IS...that I think so low of myself that I dont feel worthy of anything, and in feeling that way I have to think of my husband with another woman in order to orgasm.
It sickens me. It disgusts me that I think of these things. Im ashamed.
WH and I had sex. Time before (only after the A) in order to orgasm I would think of him and younger woman etc, but last night I thought of WH and the OW. The woman I hate the most in this world, the woman that lied to my face about sleeping with my husband even after I bought her lunch...I thought of and orgasmed off the idea that last night while I was riding my husband...it was actually her.
As soon as I orgasmed, I started crying. WH asked me what was wrong, and told me that he thought the sex was AMAZING. That only made me cry harder. I thought that he was thinking of the OW. He gave me oral (he hardly to never does, but did it all the time with the OW).
Later that evening, WH asked me what was wrong and why I cried.
I started crying and told him. I told him how it makes me sick to think of those things. How I feel about myself. I told him what I said above, and how I think he thinks of her, and how he said to me once that she had a nice body, and how he thought she was attractive.
His response was that he is SO sorry, and that he was messed up, and that he DIDNT find her attractive, and DOES NOT think of her ever especially during sex, and that he thinks I am beautiful and he loves me more than I could possible know, and how the A wasnt like I am thinking it was, and he loved me the whole time even during it, and that I shouldnt feel like that , because he thinks I am wonderful, and that he wishes he could do something, and he is very sorry.
I told him that I need help.
He tried to console me more, but it doesnt help.
Today he acts if nothing happened...even mentioning the sex and how it was great. Like it was dust in the wind...like how I feel and felt didnt exist.
Venting.