I love him. I am hurt, but I love him and I am trying R, he could try harder. I feel very alone.
I naively thought that he came over from England to be with ME. I naively thought that I was the only woman he looked at, thought about, and found sexually attractive.
I was wrong. I thought we were soulmates. I was wrong. I thought we were connected to each other, but I was wrong...I didnt realize he was cheating until much later.
THE UGLY TRUTH IS...that I think so low of myself that I dont feel worthy of anything, and in feeling that way I have to think of my husband with another woman in order to orgasm.
It sickens me. It disgusts me that I think of these things. Im ashamed.
WH and I had sex. Time before (only after the A) in order to orgasm I would think of him and younger woman etc, but last night I thought of WH and the OW. The woman I hate the most in this world, the woman that lied to my face about sleeping with my husband even after I bought her lunch...I thought of and orgasmed off the idea that last night while I was riding my husband...it was actually her.
As soon as I orgasmed, I started crying. WH asked me what was wrong, and told me that he thought the sex was AMAZING. That only made me cry harder. I thought that he was thinking of the OW. He gave me oral (he hardly to never does, but did it all the time with the OW).
Later that evening, WH asked me what was wrong and why I cried.
I started crying and told him. I told him how it makes me sick to think of those things. How I feel about myself. I told him what I said above, and how I think he thinks of her, and how he said to me once that she had a nice body, and how he thought she was attractive.
His response was that he is SO sorry, and that he was messed up, and that he DIDNT find her attractive, and DOES NOT think of her ever especially during sex, and that he thinks I am beautiful and he loves me more than I could possible know, and how the A wasnt like I am thinking it was, and he loved me the whole time even during it, and that I shouldnt feel like that , because he thinks I am wonderful, and that he wishes he could do something, and he is very sorry.
I told him that I need help.
He tried to console me more, but it doesnt help.
Today he acts if nothing happened...even mentioning the sex and how it was great. Like it was dust in the wind...like how I feel and felt didnt exist.
Venting.
It makes you feel crazy.
Im sorry things aren't getting better for you, HB2012.
You said you needed help. Are you in IC? Is your WH doing anything to help you?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Your story reminds me of this story
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE. You are special - don't ever forget it."
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE.
You are special - don't ever forget it."
You are special and you have much value. Take the steps needed so that you can see and believe this.
I have two things to share with you. First: go get some help. Do not endure it one day longer. If you have a family doctor, tell him you need some anti-depressants pronto. I stupidly did not do this, but wish to hell that I had. You have far too much to deal with at the moment and you haven't an extra inch of strength to battle the demons of your loss of self confidence. Please do this. Second: the intense feelings of unworthiness, declaring yourself undesirable, etc lessen. They really do. I can look at myself undressed now. I can go to public places without thinking 'I'm unattractive'. My WH did say too, from the very beginning, that it wasn't about me and my body. My brain knew that was true, but my injured psyche was unable to believe it. Get some help heartbroken, today. Don't punish yourself any more.....he's done enough injury for a lifetime.
and sometimes it seems like they dont have a clue as to the amount of damage they imposed.
Yes and its really bothering me today that he is acting like NOTHING happened last night, like Im not hurting today and even as gone as far as mentioning the sex we had and how great it was.
Doesnt he understand that I had to think of him and that whore OW to even get off?! And felt more disgusted with myself than I ever have?
Why is acting like nothing happened?
He is trying to minimize the damage that he has caused. He is hoping that a few quick sorries can make everything better. It doesn't work that way.
As others have suggested, you need to see your doctor AND get into counselling. You need the doctor for some antidepressants. They'll take a while to do their thing, but will eventually help.
The counselling is more important. You need someone to work with you, and to help you stop saying these horrible things to yourself. You are not responsible for any of this badness. Your husband didn't cheat because of any shortcomings you could have had. He cheated because of his shortcomings.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
I went to IC because the suicidal thoughts got worse. They still flash through my head, but not as bad as they were. Sometimes it still seems to be the easy way out, it's one of my values I am so desperately wanting to keep. If I let this one go, well, I can't let this one go.
I don't feel special. AP got to her the same way I had. The feelings weren't special. All the things I've ever done to let her know how I felt, make me feel like a fool. She's been selfish. I'm still taking time to make the decision. When I first found out, I would of wanted R, I know I would have throughout times this week as well. If I was asked right now, it would be D.
That was a long way for me to say you are not alone.
Time. Patience. We will get better.
Talk more with this about your WH and get into IC if you aren't already.
You are not worthless!
If you feel like you need help, you probably do, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. See your family doctor and discuss AD's. I was on one for a short time (about 8 months) and it made a big difference. Definitely start IC. You are very early in the process, it takes a long time to heal, but you can and you will.
I'm also shocked to hear how many people have the same issue of using the A as a trigger for sexual release. For me, it was the EXACT opposite -- instant hydraulic failure if I let myself visualize them together, even for a moment.
phoenixrise compared it to a physical wound so severe she was bleeding out. As severe wounds heal, they go through some disgusting stages where various revolting fluids and such come out. Maybe that's what this is for you, just some mental discharge that needs to drain out as you find your way back to being whole again.
But also: Me: WH, 50+ Her: BW, 50+ D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened over 15 years ago w/coworker)
You have amazing courage to put this into words. I'm dealing with the exact same issues. It's crushing, and I thought because no one ever mentioned it here, that it wasn't normal. All I hear is how the BS has mind movies in their head during sex, and it causes them to shut down, cry, and essentially stop.
Maybe because we just want to feel something, we started using all we saw in our heads at the time, as the means to arouse us? I don't know. I just know I want it to stop. It's put a huge strain on how I feel, and ultimately my desire to have sex with my WBF. If he could have sex every day, he would. Now, all I'm thinking is... can I handle what it's going to take for me to O.
This just sucks
You are not alone in your experience and I thank you for opening up this discussion. There is a lot of shame around admitting some of these feelings which makes them more isolating and painful.
I've had 2 ddays with my ex and both decimated my self image and esteem. After the first dday, my weight got down to 89 lbs (I'm 5'9) because I couldn't stand my body and blamed it for his infidelity.
The self harm thoughts are much less frequent because of intense work with IC, but they still roll on by when I'm triggered.
After the first dday, I remember reading that arousal from something painful or threatening is some kind of a coping mechanism. I haven't experienced it this time around.
A good therapist can help you get a handle on these feelings and give you tools to overcome them.
Sending you hugs.
