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he's guilting me again

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Sleepy312 posted 3/7/2014 09:03 AM

I've told the H I don't want to be around him, I don't want to go on "dates" with him, I don't enjoy sitting at a dinner table with someone who doesn't speak, he answers questions with one word answers and goes about shoveling food. I'd rather eat alone. So, as I've posted before he's running scared this week. Wel barely spoken because he's never home because of work.

I toldhim last night we(me and kids) were gone all weekend into the city because friends are visiting. He asked where I was staying, and I said I don't know. He asked how are you going to find it. I said I'll look it up in my email. I honestly thought it was one place and when I checked it was another place. I don't want him to know where I am.

He proceeded to tell me that he won't feel so guilty working all weekend at his office in the city. Just now I get an email asking me if I might have the energy to go out to dinner after son's game tonight with or without kids or bring something home. I replied with a simple "why?"

No, I don't want to hang out and wait for him and go eat with him. No I don't want to be stuck out in this burb tonight. I have a hotel roomin the city and was planning on taking the kids out to dinner and skipping the game(which I never allow) because I need some freaking space. My life is run by the kids' schedule, and this was my opportunity to get away from him for the weekend.

So, why do I feel guilty trying to tell him no and leaving him all alone?

MovingUpward posted 3/7/2014 09:36 AM

You might be feeling guilty because you still might feel an obligation due to marriage. I am not positive but I have to wonder why when he asked about dinner tonight that you didn't respond with "no, I'm busy" instead of "why?". I think you opened yourself up to being guilted. You knew you didn't want to meet up with him and that you had plans in the city. Be ok with your decision and in this case answer the question honestly.

Sleepy312 posted 3/7/2014 09:39 AM

Thanks, point taken. I'm tired of him not hearing me or purposely ignoring me for his own intentions. I should just go ahead with my plans and not bother with him.

Ivyivy posted 3/7/2014 11:42 AM

You should do what you need to do for yourself to feel sane. Enjoy the city with the kids.

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/7/2014 11:44 AM

Hell, when you get back home, book yourself a week in the Bahamas.

Sleepy312 posted 3/7/2014 15:17 PM


Im on the train into the city with two cited kids and a cocktail for myself. The H doesn't allow me to drink. Freedom for 36 hours.

MissMouseMo posted 3/7/2014 20:58 PM

"...doesn't allow..."?!?

Man, THAT one crawls up my sleeve BAD.

Just you saying it speaks volumes about the marriage, doesn't it?

Have a GREAT time!

gonnabe2016 posted 3/7/2014 21:13 PM

Since your WH sounds like a *boundary-buster*, these are strength-building moments for you. The more your H *runs scared*, the worse he's going to be at wrecking any boundary you try to lay down.

My IC gave me a *new* way to look at this because I, like you, was squeamish about it. An incident occurred where I had a deadline for a paper I was writing and I still had about 4 big paragraphs to write....and 45 minutes to do it. WH and I were living separately with pretty much the same rules that you have in place with your H -- "I'll let you know if I want to do something with you." So anyway......he sent me a text and asked if he could stop by the house to talk to me for a minute. I told him "no, I'm busy." Then I got the "are you REALLY busy or do you just not want to see me?" Told him I was busy. 5 minutes later....DingDong. I opened the door and talked to him. This type of scenario was happening on a regular basis -- he'd ask to come and see me, I'd say no, he'd just show up, and I'd *let him in*.

After recounting this to my IC, she told me to ignore the fact that he wore the *husband* label. She said "if this same situation occurred with one of your good friends -- where you told that friend that you were busy, but she just showed up anyway -- wouldn't you be pretty pissed off about that?" Wearing the husband label doesn't *trump* the fact that you are busy or already have something planned, kwim?

Expecting your H to respect your boundaries is not a *bad* thing, Sleepy, and nothing to feel guilty about.

Enjoy the weekend with your kids

sodamnlost posted 3/8/2014 09:50 AM

Boundaries are BEYOND a new concept for me and I struggle to maintain them. It feels wrong - because I'm not used to them. Are you new to making and enforcing boundaries? For me, it gets easier the more I stick to my guns.

Have fun this weekend!!!

confused girl posted 3/8/2014 10:50 AM

I have come to love the words, "That doesn't work for me." Kinder than "no" and hard to refute. There doesn't have to be an explanation. Those words are my friend!

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