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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: He looked at porn last night
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize in advance, this is a long one....

WH has had an issue with pornography since before we married that I didnt find out about until after our child was born. It wasnt to the point on spending money we didnt have, not being able to focus on anything else, or needing it to be with me. I used to watch it too but now I see it as a parasite. And I did have a few slip ups along the way when I stopped watching it, its an addiction, it is hard, I know that. But I am having a hard time knowing what to do to help my WH overcome it.

After the affair came to light I saw some porn in his computer history, I told him that from now on it would be unacceptable, that he had an issue and if he felt the need to watch it to call me or just do something else the best he could. If he did cave in then to tell me so we could work on it. That was a little more then 3 months ago. I have seen no signs of porn, and even put a program on the computer to notify me if any inappropriate websites were accessed.

Anyway, last night WH called me at work, I could tell he was a little off but I didnt want to ask questions since i was at work. I told my co-workers I had to leave early and I came home. He was sitting on the couch and looked aweful. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had looked at porn. My heart sank and I felt sick. But I wasnt mad, I really was suprised that he had told me and not just cleared his tracks (he didnt know about the program I put on the computer).
He said after he put the kids to bed and did everything else he needed to he sat down and without thinking opened the computer, typed in the porn site and after it opened he felt sick, said to himself outloud "what am i doing?!" and closed it and then called me at work.

He completely broke down, kept apologizing over and over again. He said he will talk to his IC about this at his appt next week. He also asked me to change the password to log onto the computer so he has zero access until I felt like he was stonger to be able to to not fall into the temptation.

I told him that I was hurt that he would look at it again but I was happy that he was able to tell me about it and not hide it, that shows me that he is trying to change. I know this is an addiction and I cant expect him to go cold turkey, that it is a LONG process.

I can tell he has been sexually frustrated the last week. He has not tried to make any moves on me or pressure me into making love. He has kissed me and told me he wants to make love to which most the time lately I am not interested. I feel like if I reject him that the temptation to look at porn will get harder. Thats how is was before, he would watch it if I wasnt in the mood to have sex with him. I am not going to have sex with him just in hopes to satisfy him for a little longer.

Im just not sure what to do. Is there anything else I can do to help him, or any advice to my WH on how to get more strength to overcome this?


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that it is good while he tried to look at porn that he did the right thing in response and he will talk to his IC about this.

He has kissed me and told me he wants to make love to which most the time lately I am not interested.

Not that you have to answer this here but I think that it is worthwhile for you to understand why you weren't interested and discuss this with your H.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53339 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
hitbyatruck
♀ 23769
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't have sex hoping it keeps him from porn.

I am no expert, my H was also into porn. IMO, your H needs to kick this on his own. Even productive helpful advice won't matter if he isn't committed to not watching porn.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BrokenMomof2)))

I am sorry for the pain in your post. I used porn since age 12. I brought it into our marriage . I did it in the open, wife participated.....so that is a difference....but I also used it solo way more than she did too. But it does not matter....the pain is real.

My wife did express concern about our sex life.... I took it as a personal slight and I was wrong. I regret my selfish decisions.

Like cocain.....if two adults use it, it is still destructive in nature.

I know some folks on here, as well as some professional sex therapists, suggest that porn is not destructive....it's the person using it. Liken it to beer.....you have one while you BBQ it's no problem. I whole heartidly disagree. I have taken the test.....not a SA.....but is we the very real, very painful consequences of my action....and my wife knew I used it . What about that wife that doesn't know about it....then finds out her husband used it twice? Or maybe found out he liked to look at the bra ads in the paper? He is not a SA, but I bet she would be deeply hurt.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to face the reality of what porn is, what it does, and what it destroys. I am grateful I NOW realize it. There are people who will never realize this .

I appreciate your ability to attempt to find compassion in the midst of your anger and pain.

Encourage your husband to PM me. Our minds are twisted.....to think you can white knuckle and break this cycle on your own is futile.

"Everymans Battle" book was my starting point. Helped me see my sin for what it was.

A real life male accountability partner is a must. I found one in a long time friend. Since then I have reached out to 4 other men. To my surprise ....to a man, they all used porn. 3 are working it out of their lives. The remaining one loves it. He was in a open marriage and us now D.

My wife and I are still trying to sort out the pain and damage porn caused, I caused, in our M.

Encouragement: when he stops for 4-6 weeks he WILL feel a change start within him. Those urges he feels to use it will be replaced with a distasteful feeling.(provided he takes steps outlined in Evermans Battle).

Note : just like my wife's affair was not about me, my porn use was not about her. Your husbands use is not about you. You could not given him enough sex to prevent this.

6 main reasons men use porn.....NONE of which are sexually based.

Mine was for relationship. I had, have intimacy blockers in me before I started dating.


I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry both adultery and porn use is as common as it is.

You are among the minority to try and work through these very painful trials .

Society often does not support these actions....sexual sin really is a very dark hidden sin.

I am encouraged your husband reached our to you . My experience is that a spouse needs to know what the other is wrestling with, but same sex fellowship is needed to stop, repent, and heal from sexual sin. I pray he finds another man to reach out to soon. I would be surprised if he doesn't find a man that wrestles with it too.

Note: my guy friends I have reached out are in my age bracket. Perhaps that is why my "sample size" shows a prevalence of porn use....but my dad and my wife's dad also use (d) porn.

We are looking into a SA ANON as well as an AL ANON (wife is a COA) to attend. We both are in pain....and want to grow through and heal from it.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:04 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what you described, his past use of porn did NOT interefere with his work or his relationship or your expenses, etc. etc. etc.

So I don't quite understand why you're choosing to call it an "addiction" when it didn't seem to have any negative affect on his regular life.

This whole situation with making him feel guilty for watching porn yet not willing to do anything sexual with him just sounds really unhealthy all the way around.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell he has been sexually frustrated the last week.

Caution: don't assume his use of porn is motivated by lack if sex. He needs to stop porn use as described above in order to get clear of justifications. Society is full of bogus reasons why a person uses porn....I used many of them, honestly believing MYSELF.

I don't have this cycle completely figured out....but have a real passion to.

(((Peace)))


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A real life male accountability partner is a must.

I think this would help him, I will talk to him about contacting you. Thank you
Note : just like my wife's affair was not about me, my porn use was not about her. Your husbands use is not about you. You could not given him enough sex to prevent this.

Absolutely agree!
Encouragement: when he stops for 4-6 weeks he WILL feel a change start within him

It was around this time frame that he talked to me about how much better he was feeling, and I could see a difference. He was so upset over the fact that nothing happened yesterday that would lead him to look at it. We had a great day, and he felt good. I am a firm believe that that closer we get to having a relationship with God the harder evil tries to sneak in. We are human, we make mistakes, its up to us to learn from that and make the better choice next time.

Neveragain2013, I disagree.

When WH and I married I was fine with watching it together. And yet he still hid some from me. The more uncomfortable I grew from him watching it I expressed it and he kept hiding it. Yes he didnt spend money, yes it didnt affect his work. And even though he did not need it to have sex with me he continued to hide it from me. That affected OUR relationship. It made me feel unwanted, like I wasnt good enough, and I felt like I was competing with them. It severly damaged my self esteem, I talked to him about this years ago, nothing changed, he denied it being a problem. When someone does that I consider it an addiction. When they do it without even thinking, its an addiction.

This whole situation with making him feel guilty for watching porn yet not willing to do anything sexual with him just sounds really unhealthy all the way around

I did try to make him feel guilty in the past for using it. Now I am just trying to be supportive of the hard changes he is making. I am not withholding anything sexual to try to get back at him for what he has done. But between the porn, the self esteem damage, and him sleeping with another women sometimes I just dont have the interest. And I will not give myself to him unless I want to and am feeling that connection.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.

I have read a few of your posts and this makes me smile everytime I read it


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes its not the actual porn, but the behavior they exhibit when using porn...the lies..the secrecy..the hiding it...all unacceptable behavior for ANY spouse..but especially for a WH who wants to R.

My FWH did the same thing. And yes, we watched it together often. Did't matter. He still hid some from me(nothing weird..just "regular" porn). He still kept it secret. Every time I would find it I would confront,sad and confused. WHY was he hiding it??? It made no sense. I was "ok" with it at the time..yet he still felt a need to hide it from me. After awhile I started to feel bad about myself because he was always too tired to have sex with me. Turned out he was jacking it to porn every single time I took a shower. So it was affecting our marriage and our sex life.

After dday he has admitted he got off on the secrecy. It felt more "dirty" to jack it to the hidden stuff. Like he was getting away with something. It was a turn on to hide it from me. Obviously now we have a NO porn boundary in our marriage. Thankfully after some hard work on his part, FWH now sees how destructive porn was too our marriage.

You are not wrong to be upset. You're not trying to make him feel guilty. You are a BW who had a discussion with her WH about no porn and he agreed. He broke that agreement. He should feel guilty about that..because he is.

I think it's a huge step forward for him that he confessed right away. Try to look at this as progress. He slipped...but he owned it right away.


((((BrokenMomof2))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:34 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hitbyatruck
♀ 23769
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our minds are twisted.....to think you can white knuckle and break this cycle on your own is futile.

I am living with a white knuckler now. He is making very unwise choices. I feel it is due to not dealing with the porn issue or any other issue he has. But he thinks he is just fine and I am over reacting.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are religious in nature. Try this book, Undefiled Redemption form Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships. by Harry Schaumburg. It has a lot of healing for many forms of sexual sin that cause problems in a relationship. It gets to the heart of the matter...not just the out ward cure of learning how to behave appropriately. As it states, one can learn to avert the eye...but the soul is still stained.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hitbyatruck)) You are definitely not overreacting. This situation sucks. I hope he wakes up and realizes how damaging it is.

I will tell my H about that book Hopefulmother, as well as your recommendation blakesteele, thank you.


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undefiled Redemption form Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships. by Harry Schaumburg

AWESOME recommendation....I am half way through it and can't put it down. It continues in a stronger vein on what Everymans Battle Started. I also read Everymans Marriage.

This book absolutely pulls no punches.....FOO issues, 12 step programs, accountability partners.....they are all good....but this book calls porn (and adultery...all sexual sin) what it is......a sin.

It absolutely speaks to me. Is helping me get past that horrid "yeah but" stage......yeah, but my wife watched it with me. yeah, but I still had regular sex with my wife. yeah, but I didn't spend any money on it. yeah, but my brothers and Dad use it. Yeah but.........yeah but.

This is why you will see me get passionate about anyone that suggests porn is anything but destructive.

The only caveat.....it may not have the same affect on women. It may....I just don't know. My focus has been on mens use of and affect on. I have also studied the affect it has had on my wife....both through reading books and interacting with my wife.

I have to catch myself or I will repeat the cycle I was in after my DD. The cycle of "hoping for a better past" with regards to my dreadfully destructive decisions.

We cannot change the past. I think my "yeah but" phase was me trying to spin it nicer than it was. I really only started to change when I recognized my sin for what it was.

Truthfully, having used porn since age 12....I give credit to God for the changes my heart has experienced.

Anyone reading this post.....I welcome PM from men who are struggling with this sin. I don't have it all figured out, but I am a lot more wise than I was just 2 years ago.

"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I was."--Joyce Meyers

Bless you all who are dealing with both the pain that porn has caused you AND the pain adultery has caused you. We have both in our marriage...but the pain is not one-sided. And I know first hand how tough this journey is.

I pray for courage regularly....seems to be the singule most beneficial trait I used to heal what I have healed thus far.

I am only 20 months in....2-5 years, right?

More courage is needed.

Thanks for posting this.....I pray your husband will take some of the advice and find the courage to continue his journey away from porn and towards healing and true mature intimacy with you.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undefiled Redemption form Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships. by Harry Schaumburg


Oh.....and my wife ordered this book 1 year ago....I had no idea she owned it and I ordered it by myself with no discussion with her.

I don't believe in coincidences. She said it did not grab her like it did me....but thinks it might have been the timing....was while she had regret but maybe not full remorse?

Seems like our sitch is slightly different than most on SI.....pretty strong pain caused by both of us to the other by sexual sins.

Anyway.......Keep posting. We have your backs!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:04 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, while it isn't good that he crossed one of the boundaries, he did stop and call you immediately. Progress.

However, this part of your post concerns me:

He also asked me to change the password to log onto the computer so he has zero access until I felt like he was stonger to be able to to not fall into the temptation.

Gently, please don't put yourself (or allow him to put you) in the position of his "keeper". He has to be responsible for his own actions- including avoiding temptations.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6742 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MediumRare
♂ 35128
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole situation with making him feel guilty for watching porn yet not willing to do anything sexual with him just sounds really unhealthy all the way around.

^^ This.

He can't watch porn, when you have described it didn't impact your lives at all.

He can't masturbate and he can't have sex and he's sexually frustrated.

I'm really interested in just what you want from your husband at this point. He has natural, healthy needs and you are shutting down all avenues of having those needs met.

Good relationships are all about effective communication and compromise. What kinds of things can you two think of to help ensure you are both getting your needs met?


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 722 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently....I know you love your husband and he loves you. You can support him as he abandons porn use, but you must allow him to do MUCH of the heavy lifting. Something as simple as changing passwords on the computer seems innocent and easily done...but it stands the real chance of keeping him from maturing in areas he needs to mature. KWIM?

He has to feel enough pain of the "same" to opt for the pain of "change". He CAN do this. I know you want to help him....I see it in your post.

But to really help him you are going to have to step back.

You have experienced real pain by his actions. Yes, he did the right thing letting you know he almost acted on an urge. But it still hurt you, made you feel unsafe at least.

This is why he needs to reach out. IC helped me some, but real life men are going to have to be incorporated into his world to effectively handle this. IC's aren't nearly as available or vested as a real friend. I have called or texted my real friend at all hours of the day and night. About 4 months into this "new part of our old relationship" he revealed to me that he wrestles with the same sin. I still dont know the details or how far into porn he was....but I can tell by his communiation with me he FULLY understands how destructive these temptations are.

I know its scary to reach out....I did it first to my best friend who is 2 states away. I then reached out to men I work and play with every day.

This is not a one time choice....it is a committment to a new way to do life...and all that it contains (marriage as well as all other relationships).

HE CAN DO THIS. You must find the courage to back away and let him.

We don't live in a metropolitan area.....closest support group is 1.5 hours away. But I am strongly considering it to take my healing to the next level, and to repair the damage I have done to my wife.

Are you near a large city? If he doesn't have any close male friends he could tap into this resource.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slight t/j, but...

She said she didn't want him watching porn..she didn't say he couldn't masturbate. Surely a man can masturbate without using porn?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has natural, healthy needs and you are shutting down all avenues of having those needs met.

Gently....Mediumrare....I know you mean well. I suspect you are porn free.

If I were porn free your words would not be so hurtful....I admit a bias here.

But what you state here is what both my wife and I subscribed to....that what I was doing was natural, healthy and a NEED. It may be natural...but it was not healthy nor a need.


Some draw a likeness between alcohol and porn. Some people can use alcohol and not be a drunk. Some people can use porn and not be a SA.

I agree with both statements. However, I firmly believe porn is an intimacy blocker at any level of use. It takes the focus off of the singular act between a man and a woman and introduces a third stimulant. I believe this is where the "porn is adultery" conclusion is partly drawn....the other is that time in which porn is used as a solo event.

I understand that hypocritcal tone in which I speak out against porn. I can do nothing about that. I can only tell my story....and it is one of using porn and then stopping (and all that "stopping" entails, which includes many other aspects).

Please try to understand BrokenMomof2's pain as she deals with the combined and conflicting pain of loving her husband while coming to terms that he caused her real deep pain.

Feeding into society's views on porn and "mans needs" are what contributed to the damage within our marriage.

I am unclear on how porn affects a womans brain...but it polluted mine.

I am in the process of coming to terms with the damage as well as seeking ways to repair it.

God have mercy on us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surely a man can masturbate without using porn?

Problem is.....what he thinks about when he masturbates. A person who masturbates thinks about something.....cute girl at grocery store or last porn video they watched. Either way it takes varying tolls on intimacy.

If he masturbates he runs the real risk of viewing porn that is in his mind....thus never breaking out of the cycle.

4-6 weeks of no porn, no masturbation is what is needed. I don't think I would have accomplished much personally if I masturbated during that time period.

It has been 13 months since I viewed porn or masturbated. I know that is TMI for some....but I can't talk about this without mentioning details of my journey.

Please understand I am not at the end of this journey...but I have been in it long enough to know that 4-6 week of no masturbation and no porn is a critical first step.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gabybaby
Gently, please don't put yourself (or allow him to put you) in the position of his "keeper". He has to be responsible for his own actions- including avoiding temptations

I agree with you, I will not be his mother in the marriage. I have changed the password until we can sit and have a few good talks about this. I know that the only way to start to trust him again is to let go and give him the chance to.

MediumRare

He can't watch porn, when you have described it didn't impact your lives at all.

This is what I said :
Yes he didnt spend money, yes it didnt affect his work. And even though he did not need it to have sex with me he continued to hide it from me. That affected OUR relationship. It made me feel unwanted, like I wasnt good enough, and I felt like I was competing with them
It was a huge impact for our relationship. And as far as leaving him sexually frustrated, it has been 5 days since we last made love, hardly a dry spell.

This is a subject where there are so many views, but as for me, I do mainly agree with blakesteele.

My WH and I had talked a few months ago regarding the masterbation aspect. Our relationship and our intimacy is at such a critical state right now, we agreed that nothing sexual should happen unless it is just between us too, that includes masterbation. It runs the risk of other people entering our mind.
We are human, mistakes are made. I dont expect us to get it perfect the first time. This is our decision on what we think is best for us. It is not for everyone.

Sending you more courage Blakesteele


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
Topic Posts: 20

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