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what the hell am I doing moment

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phoenixrise posted 3/7/2014 10:58 AM

I seem to have many lately it has been 6 months since d day and it seems my brain is catching up with my emotions...lately I seem to think...after everything he has done to me and the amount of betrayal and deceit I seriously want to make it work with him? Last night for the first time I told him I wasn't in the mood for sex well not really just that I was tired but I so feel disgusted to have him near me he makes me disgusted and angry...I am worried I am thinking about letting him go permanently because I cant forgive...dont know what to feel anymore...anyone else have a moment like this? I cant take the marathon of constant sadness and being at a war with myself anymore...maybe Im staying in for the kids at this point maybe its always been about the kids...I cant force feelings for him to come back...I dont know need more time to think but isn't 6 mos long enough?

Ivyivy posted 3/7/2014 11:39 AM

I have many of the same feelings that you do. I don't know how I am supposed to progress or feel but generally I go through periods of hate where I think I need to move ahead with D, then I have periods of sadness where I feel I need to just stay status quo until I figure out what I want. Basically I am 8 months past Dday and am still very much in limbo. The only thing that I have accomplished in the last 8 months is that WH now finally tells me that if I tell him to move out - he will (I had asked him to move out on Dday and afterwards and he begged to stay). So I am beginning to understand that I need to focus on me and the kids and whatever happens with WH, happens. I don't have the energy to deal with R or D right now. Life in constant limbo sucks.

Support1107 posted 3/7/2014 12:50 PM

I know how you feel. It's been 5 months for me and the only thing that has gotten me through is giving myself permission not to make a decision right now. This may sound strange but I work, have kids, house, dogs and things have to get done so I've become so accustomed to making decisions quickly it was hard to step back.

So now I track my daily feelings (not in depth who has time for that) I just write either a down arrow, an up arrow or just a line straight across on my calendar. This for me means, a good day with H, a bad day with H, or neutral. I then gave myself a date to look at the trend. The first date was at the 3 month mark. On that day I decided I wasn't ready to make a decision yet and extended it another 3 months. When I feel hopeless and lost, I try to remind myself that I don't have to make a decision until such and such date. This helps me take it day by day.

Yes it is still living in limbo but it helps me stay in the moment and not get lost in all of this crap I'm dealing with.

hurtingfool posted 3/7/2014 15:13 PM

Yep, this is normal. I'm only two months out, hell just half an hour ago I was thinking this. That's why I am giving myself the time I need to think about it. I'm figuring on 6 months at a minimum, 2 years at a max for me to make the decision.

If I would have gone with how I feel at any given moment, I would have been D and M so many times the debt would be beyond anything I could pay.

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