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Tired of the ups & downs

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Support1107 posted 3/7/2014 11:07 AM

So - where to begin. I've been reading posts on this site since Oct. Just became a member yesterday. My situation is crazy and I haven't found any support. My WH was put on prescription drugs 5 years ago which included anti-depressants. Over the course of 4 years, I watched him slowly become a shell of the person he once was.

The big change came at the end of 2012, when they changed him from Celexa to Effexor. This triggered mania. During this manic episode he had sex with a woman he met in his truck. He also got on POF and talked with women on that. I didn't know about any this yet but had already just become completed done with the whole prescripiton roller coaster and asked him to move out and I consulted a divorce attorney.

Then came the shock of the online crap 1st. He got arrested for not paying a speeding ticket and I had his phone and found it all including some very disturbing, very out there messages as well. My heart broke to learn that my 17 yr son had discovered this crap a month before me.

For my children, I knew he needed to get off this crap and well so he agreed to go to rehab. While in rehab I found his old phone and discovered the woman he had sex with. She had been trying to get money from him. The whole thing is disgusting! She told me about the sex, he denied it then finally admitted to it. While at rehab, they said he is bi-polar.

I don't believe the bi-polar diagnosis, I've done a lot of research and have lived with him since he was 19 (now 41). I believe these drugs altered his mind and feel that many people falsely receive this after taking them. But that's not my issue, my issue is whether or not I can overcome the crap he did.

The mania has made his memory sketchy even on things he would have always known. I have no trust left. I will never know all of the details of this time period. I love him and when he was off of the drugs he returned to the person I used to know but that doesn't change the fact that he violated our marital vows. Now it feels like I'm the one out of control.

I'm so tired of the up and down days. Last week I had hope, this week I'm felt like why bother. WTH!

WH: 41
DDAY: 9/13/13 online crap
DDAY: 10/23/13

[This message edited by Support1107 at 11:14 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 3/7/2014 11:34 AM

I have no expertise to comment on the use of the drugs that your husband was prescribed, but I wanted you to know that there may be some that do. SI is a great community and I'm sure that you will be able to work through his affair. I'm glad that you broke out of lurking to seek support.

AppalachianGal posted 3/7/2014 11:39 AM

When I worked side by side with a family practice doctor, he once told me that SSRIs CAN bring out mania in undiagnosed bipolar patients. He always suspected that I "may" be bipolar and wanted to put me on one to see what happened. I didn't take it, naturally. But back to my point -- We did have a patient, an elderly lady, that was depressed. He put her on an SSRI and in 2 weeks, she came back into the office in full mania. It was unreal to see. He took her off it immediately and told me that this happened sometimes. She did not have a diagnosis of bipolar -- until he sent her to a psychiatrist after this and she was near 80 years old.

And I guess I should put my experience with my fWH and Celexa. He totally lost his mind while taking this in 2010. He was depressed, severely, with PTSD & the VA put him on Celexa in 2009 or so. He became suicidal and homicidal. He had a psychotic break in Dec 2010. This was also the time that he decided we were "done" and he had OW#2. To look back, it would appear that he went into mania while on Celexa. Now that he is off of it, he is a different man. I struggle with what I truly believe was a drug-induced affair and trying to forgive him. He still broke my heart and our vows. But he has periods of remorse and wants to R. I guess I try to put myself in his position. If I were taking a mind-altering drug & did something totally out of character and stupid then I'd want to be given another chance.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 11:57 AM, March 7th (Friday)]

norabird posted 3/7/2014 11:45 AM

I'm so sorry. I would say to wait and see if he can get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan before you start to try figuring out if you can forgive what happened, simply because you can't actually R with him until he's stable, so pursuing it now is kind of moot. That's just my opinion but you aren't going to be able to trust him until the mental health issue is sorted out. So while waiting for clarity on that front, try to detach.

I know we can't stop ourselves from fixating on the betrayal and the whys and the hurt and what the future will be like...but try as best as you can to not commit one way or the other until he is actually on track again with his mental health. I had a previous ex with mental health issues and while there was no sexual acting out as a result the experience in that relationship really convinced me that you can't have a true basis for partnership until the mental health issues are addressed and resolved. Of course the A must be addressed and resolved too! I'm not saying it should be rugswept. Just that the factors contributing to his behavior aren't yet understood and that you have to figure out what exactly was going on when he went off the rails. And detaching while that progress is ongoing will help bring back some of your sanity as you go through this rollercoaster.

Support1107 posted 3/7/2014 12:15 PM

Thank you all for your replies. The bipolar diagnosis came while he was in withdrawal from opiates & effexor. The dr did not consult me, I never even spoke to him. Once he returned to our state, we found a new dr who has since taken him off of the Lithium as he also does not believe he is bipolar. He also has an IC he sees weekly. MC was bad so now we're looking for a new one and have also started Retrouvaille.

My biggest struggle is that I was disengaged and detached even prior to knowing this because he was not the person I married. Then when he went through rehab it was like someone from the dead just came back. I had mourned him and was just trying to move forward but then it was BAM, I'm back from the dead and I love you.

He's working hard to overcome everything. My struggle is that I always said that cheating was a dealbreaker period and now I just don't even know myself anymore. It's very disturbing. Then I comtemplated revenge affairs which is something I definitely don't agree with. It's also very hard knowing that I'm never going to get the details that I've asked for.

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