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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: Completly broken and feeling desperate!
twillett333
♀ 42121
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and i have been talking about separating and seeing if that will help us. I told him today that i didnt think it was a good idea and that i thought it would hurt us even more. Well that started a fight...again. He says that i care too much and that i need to stop caring and loving him so much. He says he wants away from everything and he wants to kill himself. He said that if i keep "doing this" it will only make us end. I told him i think he wants to end things but he doesnt want to and that hes waiting for me to do it. (He also kept saying "do what you need to do" when i asked him if he wanted to stay together.)He said he doesnt but who the hell knows. Part of me still thinks he is in the affair but i have no proof. I do love him but im tired of being hurt. How do i just not care? I feel really worthless right now and pretty stupid. I honestly dont know what to do anymore...


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is manipulating you by threatening suicide. I'm sorry to sound so harsh but that's emotional abuse. He wants to get things his way and will use threats to do it.

Detaching is not easy but is really really best for you. It will give you some space to think objectively, and step back from the reflexive desire to be with him.

Try to focus on you. Your friends, your interests, your hobbies. He is not your problem right now so let him live his life without even thinking or caring about what he does. This takes some 'fake it til you make it'. But if he isn't fighting for the M...you can't do the work for both of you and it's best to accept that and really listen to and believe what he says.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, right now you can't see the forest for the trees, Twillett. I'm so sorry for all the craziness you're enduring.

Your husband's cheap shot about "killing himself" is lame and immature and he's done enough damage without adding to it.

Look, you're asking the wrong question. No one can teach you how to 'not care' and there's no good reason for you to STOP caring. But that's not what you should be asking about.

The question you should be asking is what can you do to help bring about some calm, peace and serenity to your life right now?

I think you're just too immersed in chaos right now to be able to see your way out, and you should seriously consider counseling (if you're not already in counseling).

Lastly, when someone keeps telling you that he's no longer in it to 'win' it, that he just wants out, that he doesn't care what happens anymore, that he doesn't want you to love him as much as you do and things of this nature, at that point, I'd listen to him and give him what he wants.

If he wants out that bad, give it to him.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 15-16 months here out since D-day. I will tell you what I regret. Not separating and letting him see what life would be like without his family.

Think about yourself. Not your marriage. Do what you need for peace and to heal.

The "not" caring so much will come in time.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
yme32313
♀ 42091
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes put yourself first. I know it's hard because the person you love you always put them ahead of your self. A separation can work because he will see what he's missing not having you around.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could be so completely wrong but this-
He says that i care too much and that i need to stop caring and loving him so much

sounds like guilt to me. As if there is something large you don't know. I don't say it to get you worried but as warning that this guy is just going to bring more pain, no matter the reason he said this.

I know you are hurting badly and I am so sorry. It can be very overwhelming hearing all these painful things being said by someone you love.

Please understand that the advice everyone gives is to help you get to a better place. It sometimes seems like it's easy for us to say but we have all been there and we know how difficult some of the things are to do. We know the desperate need to believe none of this is happening. Sometimes the best thing to do is counter to what we might think or just plain hard.

If he ever threatens suicide again call the police. Don't believe that your call is what makes it dramatic, his threats are what does that. Do not mess around with that one at all. He'll find out really fast that suicide is not something you screw around with. He's hoping to jerk you all around with the suicide threats. Remove yourself from his little game, he says it again-call the police.

I think you need to have a step forward to start feeling strong. No matter which way he says it, the bottom line is he isn't interested in reconciliation. Go see a lawyer, many give free consultations. Find out what a divorce would mean legally and financially.

Knowledge gives us power just knowing those things is a great first step. If possible, see as many lawyers in your area. If they consult with you, even if you do not hire them, they will not be able to represent your WH.

think it would be in your best interest to file for divorce and exclusive use of the home. He wants to be out. Exclusive use means he must leave.

You should start the 180 immediately. You can find info on it in the BS FAQS section in the healing library. Look for threads about it and post questions if you aren't sure how to do it in a given situation.

You really need to start detaching so you can build up strength and start feeling better about yourself. Is IC possible for you? I think it would really help having an ear IRL that can guide you.

You aren't alone. There is always someone here listening. Please keep coming back and posting.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2404 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
twillett333
♀ 42121
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do know that things have to change im just not sure how to go about it. We talked again and he said hes sorry, hes crazy and an idiot. He said hes sorry for not loving me the way i deserve.
He also said that he feels a lot of pressure and its making him depressed. He still says he doesnt know what he wants.
I told him he needs to find a friend to stay with so we can get some space. He stayed with a friend for a week before and when he came back things changed for a little bit then went back to the way they were. I think its going to take a lot longer than a week for real change to happen i just dont know if i can stay strong...


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
frenchmoxie
♀ 42665
Member # 42665
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twillett,
I know how you're feeling right now. I just found out 2 weeks ago about my WS's emotional affair (which I am convinced was also physical). I kicked him out and he's been gone for 2 weeks. I had made the mistake of still being in contact with him, but I implemented the 180 list 2 days ago after I packed the rest of his clothes into garbage bags and left them on the front porch for him to get. No contact. Here goes nothing!


D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker

I found e-mails between them.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
shiloe
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He still says he doesnt know what he wants.

Sounds to me like he wants to keep eating cake. He just doesn't want to say that. He wants you to be the bad guy.

He does not want the kids to think he is the bad guy.


[This message edited by shiloe at 5:13 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 632 | Registered: Mar 2003
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also said that he feels a lot of pressure and its making him depressed. He still says he doesnt know what he wants.

Oh boy...Call the wambulance. It's all about him, him, him. There is no remorse. Just a desire to keep cake eating.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100%. And someone who jerks you around, sometimes sorry and sometimes resentful/manipulative, is just going to keep hurting you.

The best change would be seeing a lawyer and filing for D to wake him up. I know you want to believe that he'll come around, that his words about being sorry, and crazy, and an idiot, give you hope...but actually they're the truth, he IS crazy and an idiot! That he is willing to briefly acknowledge it doesn't change it.

As BtrayedWife says, it all sounds so harsh and extreme and is probably hurtful to think about detaching and taking these steps. But I had the same hope you did and it was only later that I saw the words I was taking comfort in meant nothing. Actions are the ONLY thing that matters. And his actions don't show commitment. So you're holding on to something that he has already basically walked away from.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lastdance
♀ 42401
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let him go......he wants out.....if he wanted you he would have already told you....he needs to follow his heart and that is not with you....be strong and take care of yourself...you will survive without him....you deserve better

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is hope too. He may be in that fog. Have a heart to heart with him. Why is he torn. What is it that he gets from the relationship? Point out it has nothing to do with the AP and that he can get that from anyone including you. What does he crave most. The sad thing is true "you can't love him to reality". It just happens over time. Like months for some...and yes it is torment and Hell for us during that time. Separation will just speed it along, usually it takes a real fear or shock to the system for them to realize what they are losing. Have him read from the sites library so he knows what he is putting you through. The only thing that sucks, is how long it takes.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
twillett333
♀ 42121
Member # 42121
Shocked  Posted: 6:49 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard. Im sick to my stomach. The thought of my marriage being over is too much


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
feelingthenoose
♀ 35328
Member # 35328
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't know that he wants to stay, I think you're doing the best thing in having him leave. Once he leaves though, cut contact for awhile. Give yourself the space you need to find some stability. Purposefully put your mind on things other than your marriage and husband.

Good luck.


non-romantic EA 10/9 - 11/11
NC and R going well

Posts: 315 | Registered: Apr 2012
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many hugs for you....

Hang in there, it is going to hurt for a long time. But, it WILL get easier over time. You will find it doesn't consume every waking/dreaming moment.

One day you will awaken and take charge again. This is not going to kill you...just the relationship you had with him. This will make you stronger.

Just cry all that pain out as often as you want. But, keep living too.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T,

Do you SERIOUSLY want to stay with a person who has little to no respect for you, is selfish, and setting a piss poor example of a Father and Husband for your kids?

Or are you scared because all you know is being married?

Figure out what is clouding your thinking and go from there.

And see a lawyer for Pete's sake. Your WS is being an ass and thinks things are going to be roses and pansies when he and the OW are together. He needs to see that he will be a much poorer man, a part-time dad, and a "hand-me-down" to the next woman. File for CS and SS.

I'm pretty sure you have a pair of Bitch Boots in your closet. Go find them.

Start taking care of you and the kids. Don't worry about him.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6613 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

k9's right about the Bitch Boots!

While you're ruffling through your closet to find them, think about what you would say to a friend, or even your daughter if they told you a story like that...

After seeing your baby being cruelly manipulated - wouldn't you get mad as hell? Channel that.

In all the time I've been here - the single best answer to that type of grrrr manipulation grrrrr!
is this:

If he ever threatens suicide again call the police. Don't believe that your call is what makes it dramatic, his threats are what does that. Do not mess around with that one at all. He'll find out really fast that suicide is not something you screw around with. He's hoping to jerk you all around with the suicide threats. Remove yourself from his little game, he says it again-call the police.

Here's the secret answer to
"How do i just not care?"

The more you turn within, toward loving yourself
(that includes having the right to have boundaries and enforce them),
the less you look outward for love, or validation.

It's all in you.
You begin, drop by drop, to care about yourself,
more than the betraying, unremorseful, manipulative, toxic "other".
Love yourself more.

You deserve it.


Posts: 6766 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
RKT429SS
♂ 28883
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm too hurt to make any kind of decision right now.

Don't.

You're smart enough based on this statement.

One of the top 20 rules is to not be decisive within the first 2-3 months of finding out.

Fall back, regroup, and 180.


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jun 2010
Topic Posts: 18

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