With respect to BS's reactions in dealing with the A shortly after DD and the confrontation, Iím beginning to think they can be put into three basic categories:
The BS is basically blinded by fear or indecision and can't or won't take any action. They want to see if the WS comes back or leaves, and is worried about what they'll do next.
The BS's reactioning is to confront and then to basic place the ball in the WS's court. They issue ultimatums and set new rules such as NC and then sit back and wait to see if the WS keeps their word or waits for the WS to fail before doing something about it.
3. The Initiative
The BS confronts and then gets right behind the wheel of the bus and drives that sucker like Thema and Luise. Any combination of telling the other BS, kick the WS out, expose to family, friends, boss. Basically takes charge of the situation and takes the power away from the WS.
We donít see a lot of the Passive. These people rarely seek help here on SI or post a few times and then donít come back. Some people move from Passive to Passive/Aggressive within a few days or weeks, and then stay there for quite some time. In the Passive/Aggressive category, it feels like there making decisions and moving forward when really theyíre just parking themselves in Limbo, waiting for the WS's next move.
I've noticed that taking the initiative almost always results in a more positive outcome for the BS. No matter if the WS stays, leaves, or is just shell shocked, the BS with the initiative either ends up in a better situation in the recovered M or leaves the ruins of the M with less pain and has a faster personal recovery.
Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?
Edited cuz I suck at writing
[This message edited by Twitchy at 1:51 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
For my case, I was not the passive type or the initiative type in my opinion. I found out about my WW cheating and then spent a week trying to gather more evidence, deciding what I wanted to do and figuring out how best to confront. In reality, I had almost no evidence so I knew that I needed to execute my confronting perfectly to avoid a quick denial. My evidence was only my WW told someone, who told someone else, who then told me after over a decade of cheating, that is all I really had. Now if I followed the typical Initiative game plan as you describe below I would have probably got a quick denial and been left with little else to go by. Instead I planned and figured out a good way to confront and after a week of planning got a confession quickly. Now it did take a couple more weeks to pry out all the details but after the many years of cheating it takes awhile to get the details out.
From then after DDay, I took charge of the situation and clearly outlined and enforced my expectations. I did not kick my WW out, I did not expose to family & friends, I did not even tell the other BS. I have various reasons for not doing each of those things which would take awhile to get into. Instead I tried as best as I could to calmly & rationally evaluate my current situation, figure out what I wanted and initiate a course of action that met my wants. I am not saying any of that is easy given the difficulty of dealing with something like this. Trust me, it was not easy for me but it was what needed to be done.
I have had a pretty positive outcome as a BS. We are in R and doing well after 1 1/2 years, my needs are being met. I think it is best to carefully evaluate your own individual situation to figure out the best course of action for you. It will be impossible to say what category or categories will work best for you until you do that.
And of course you need to tailor your actions to your situation, but the actions you tailor should always keep you in control of the situation, rather than giving control away to someone you can no longer trust.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:48 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
However, I think a person can move through various stages as they go along. They may start out passive, but then grow a set and take charge. Or they reach their breaking point and take charge.
I will also agree that taking back the control does bring the whole thing to a conclusion one way or another.
Sounds exactly like taking the initiative to me. I realize the explanations I gave were oversimplified for the sake of brevity, but how was what you described anything but taking the initiative. You were just more cunning in going about it.
Perhaps it is a lot of initiative but I think when you say something is either passive or initiative people conjure up some adjectives to decribe those words. I did my initial confrontation over email(sounds passive right?) - I wanted to get my point out completely before my WW could try to interrupt or respond. I did not want to have a dialog initially, I wanted to say what I knew, what the choices were, what I was going to do about it and ask her for her decision. Email left no room to try to spin the conversation into doubt or denial.
I also have not yelled or raised my voice once during discussions on her affairs. I did this so it was less confrontational and more of a welcoming environment to get the truth out and figure out what we are doing. By me not yelling it doesn't mean that I wasn't specific, detailed and clear on my expectations. I just don't believe that raising my voice also aided in getting my point across. That probably also sounds more passive but it isn't.
That's what worked for me. I think the reason some of my techniques worked for me is because I was dealing with a very long term affair. My WW probably had nightmares in how it would play out if I ever found out - those visions likely involved yelling, screaming, etc. By me not performing anything like how she probably thought it would have gone allowed me to take better control over the situation.
[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 3:07 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
What I think is most important is recognizing if your not taking the initiative and letting you WS have too much control over you and the situation.
A good question to ask yourself would be what do hope to achieve in your decisions/actions and who has more impact on achieving that goal. The primary answer should be you.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 6:33 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
ReunitePangea, I would agree that your situation fell into the 3rd category. You weren't sitting back at any time. You had a plan, thought out what your situation needed, and executed that plan. Well done, Sir!
I also have to agree that IMO, I think that the 3rd category, Initiative, brings the fastest results for most people. It seems to get the BS through the pain the fastest by knocking the WS off of the fence and making them make a decision quickly. And no matter the decision, stay or go, I think that it brings healing to the BS quicker by not stringing out the pain. IMHO, of course!
D-Day, June 10, 2012