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Some general thoughts

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norabird posted 3/7/2014 14:30 PM

I wanted to write out some of what I'm thinking about my ex (not to send to him of course, just for myself) but right before I started writing it I read an article at baggagereclaim and was stopped by the following paragraph:

If a person keeps risking losing you, they don’t value you enough to not be putting you at risk in the first place. They’re too busy sabotaging things for the sake of their ego when they could be forging a mutual, loving relationship. You have better things to do with your time than to be fighting someone to stop throwing away what you have.

This is really the crux of what I've been thinking. The last two or three interactions with my ex (they're getting less frequent now) have been pretty heavy on the pity party. Not from me (the one who, you know, was deeply betrayed and strung along and lied to and who had to move all my stuff out of my old apartment over the last four months)...from him. "I'm lonely...I feel pretty bad a lot of the time...I regret losing you...I miss you so much." Or telling me regarding his quitting therapy ("for whatever small and fading interest you still have in this" ) that "You're pretty much over me by now and I'm just sort of left to figure it out on my own either way".

It's so astounding to me. First of all, haha, no I'm not 'pretty much over' things yet (obviously I kept mum about this and do not say I miss him or love him or anything like that), but of course it would take empathy for him to consider what he has done to me, his victim, instead of focusing on what he has done to himself.

But also I am clearly healing better than he is, which is not a huge surprise. I have leaned on SI, on IC some (more to come now that I have a co-pay worked out and don't have to pay out of pocket), on my many friends and family, and of course on reminding myself that I don't want to be with someone who treats me like dirt. While he has no support system, no innate sense of self-worth, and is only clinging to the same ego-kibbles that got him into this mess, of going out to drink and pick up women for the high of feeling he can manipulate them into sleeping with him. I'm sorry, but that high is not going to make you happy or replace a loving partner. So when that doesn't fulfill him...he knows it's his fault. When I am sad about what he's done, I know it's not mine.

When I tried to R at first it was because I saw the value in our love and relationship and didn't want to throw it away. He took that offer of redemption and doubled down on his lies and deceit, even as he saw the toll it was taking on me (my insomnia, my unhappiness and insecurity). He CHOSE to be lonely, maybe because he couldn't get over his insecurity about my past. He CHOSE to 'lose' me. And now that he realizes it he doesn't have the character to stay in IC and work to improve himself to get to a better place where he would deserve, he just wants to feel sorry for himself.

It was never my job to try to get him to understand what the consequences of his decisions would be, but I still tried my best to get the message through to him, because I know that he did and does love me in his half-formed way, and I wanted to save that and address his issues. Instead he wanted to be able to do whatever the hell he wanted no matter how it hurt me. Fine. But you know what? Now he's learning to be careful what you wish for. And I'm learning that he's a lost cause who I'm well rid of.

MovingUpward posted 3/7/2014 14:48 PM

Great revelations.

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