In my WH's 6 months of IC, something he tells me his IC mentions about motivation for his affair is a desire for control. It's hard to get her real meaning secondhand from what he says, but it didn't seem like it fit as part of the "why". She would discuss how his stage of life right now is one that is to a great extent not within his control. We have small kids with needs that are not optional, we are in a tight money situation where it is mandatory he work lots of hours, the house/cars etc always need work, he works in a highly regulated profession with little room for error or autonomy. Coupled with his ADD which has always caused issues with rules and boundaries. I was always like, Really, that's a "why"? Not. I live the same life he does, and I have always held the view that these things are a given for the stage of life we are in. You put your head down and get through it and remember it won't be forever.
However, today I read a post on here where someone pointed out how much control a WS gets to have while in their A. Controlling how much their BS and AP get to know about their emotions and inner selves, controlling information to manipulate outcomes, controlling how far the infidelity goes and how frequently it happens, then putting it in a box and shoving it on the shelf and controlling when the next time they take down the box again is. Basically manipulating everyone involved according to their own wants at any given time. I had never thought of it in this light before. That's a lot of control.
So - does any of this ring true for your situation? Does it sound like a plausible part of a "why"? Just looking for opinions and perspectives.
[This message edited by iwillNOT at 4:16 PM, March 7th (Friday)]