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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: when will I want to date again?
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDAY was Dec 2011.

I'm just beginning to see a shining sun thru the clouds.

Some days I want to meet a guy, then I read on this forum about dating and it's going all wrong for the person.

So, how long after dday and divorce were you really "ready" for dating, relationships, etc.....


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2330 | Registered: Jan 2012
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dday will be one year ago next month, and I don't feel anywhere near ready to date. I have a good friend who is also divorced due to infidelity. She's been divorced over four years and has just recently started to get interested in dating, though when an opportunity presents itself, she still kind of runs away.

I think it's probably different for everyone, but the common thread I see on SI is that people tend to "think" they're ready before they actually ARE. I don't want to fall into that trap.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1021 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me 18 months or so. I felt allergic to the idea for a long time and when well meaning people told me to start looking I would cringe and felt No Effing Way! At a certain point I got over that and thought it would be nice to be taken to dinner by a gentleman.

Keep in mind you can set your pacing as it works for you. You can date without it being an emeshed relationship. You can enjoy the company of a romantic partner without it turning into an all consuming all-in committed thing. And you can do that while being exclusive with and caring for eachother.

So being ready to date doesn't mean you are ready to marry or live with someone. You can let it evolve slowly over time if that works for you.

There are a fair amount of us in NB who are enjoying being in a new relationship but it gets boring to post that stuff so we don't much.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 7:27 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5905 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a year and eight moths or so past Dday and 11 months from my divorce being final and I'm still not quite there. Maybe it will happen someday and maybe it won't. I'm perfectly happy being single.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date.

I personally think people should wait until they're emotionally ready to deal with a breakup. Because the chances of your first post-D relationship working out are statistically very slim. Not trying to be negative, but realistically...dating involves pain.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
wontdefineme
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dday was nov 2010, separated June 2011, divorced Jan 2013 and still can't bring myself to even think of dating. I feel like j had my married guard up for so long that it feels wrong to look. Don't even feel attracted to men. Maybe too much damage was done by xh to even open up yet. In time maybe, but I am not in a hurry.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 1:56 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Mar 2011
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 2 1/2 years from DD and separation and D for just over a year and I am still not ready to date. Although the idea no longer makes me want to throw up anymore so heading in the right direction

But I am quite content on being single too.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I foolishly rushed into dating way too soon and all it did was set back my healing many, many months. You meet and date all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. I finally woke the hell up and took a year off from dating/sex with anyone. I got to know myself and finally came to terms with my past and what I wanted for my future. As for a timeframe, there is none. You will know when your ready. Some folks heal quicker than others. Trick is not to rush it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Nov 2007
I.will.survive
♀ 34677
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't emotionally ready to date until I was officially divorced.

My time line includes an in house separation of one year before I EVEN KNEW there was an affair, 18 months separated and now one year divorced.

I put myself on one dating site a few weeks after my divorce was final, but emotionally and physically I had been on my own for 2 years.

I met a man who showed me what real love and partnership is supposed to feel like so I didn't go through that sometimes awful dating scene! But I was ready I guess to subject myself.

Just be picky. Really picky. Don't date just to practice. Good men are out there. You'll have to weed through a bit to find them.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also a month away from a year since DDay. I'm nowhere close, really.

For a long time I still felt loyalty to my X. That started to fade once we were officially D... although the idea of being with another man is really, really strange for me to contemplate.

I don't necessarily feel lonely, which is good. But X's A happened during a year when we were geographically apart for work. So I probably only had sex a handful on times that year when we were able to see each other. And now I haven't had sex since right before DDay. That's the longest I've ever gone. Because I'm emotionally damaged, it's not too big of a deal... but I'm not happy about it in a general sense.

I've had a few men ask me out or tell me they want a relationship. I've gone on a few dates, but I just know it's not right for me and I've majorly backed off. I remember at one point feeling like I wanted to throw up before just meeting one of them to watch the Super Bowl. I'm trying to do a better job of just listening to my gut on things like that.

All of that said, I think if I met a "right" guy I wouldn't hesitate to give him a chance. That feels good. As time goes on, I don't feel like I'm carrying too much baggage from X... although I'm sure some trust issues are going to come out if I ever get into another relationship.

((hugs))

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:51 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started kind of early (2 months after DDay)...but I am also thinking that my marriage was falling apart over a year before dday, so maybe the real dday was earlier, and I kept my head in the sand and didn't want to know about it.

I would encourage you to look for opportunities to be with people (male or female), that are fun, but don't necessarily constitute dating.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 778 | Registered: Aug 2013
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

28 months after DD and D was finalized for a good 6 months, before I went out on a date (from OLD, we went out a few times, but didn't work out). Now, I'm not 100% sure I'm really ready to try again so I'm giving myself another year then I'll re-evaluate

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all !!! I am starting to realize that
I will never be as gullible as I was before, and that when I'm ready to date, I will really get to know the person before my heart enters the picture.....I think I will start hanging out with some friends of mine who have a few guy friends in the mix. Maybe that will start to move me towards getting out of my shell.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2330 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 13

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