SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

homewrecked2011 posted 3/7/2014 18:51 PM

DDAY was Dec 2011.

I'm just beginning to see a shining sun thru the clouds.

Some days I want to meet a guy, then I read on this forum about dating and it's going all wrong for the person.

So, how long after dday and divorce were you really "ready" for dating, relationships, etc.....

gypsybird87 posted 3/7/2014 19:02 PM

My dday will be one year ago next month, and I don't feel anywhere near ready to date. I have a good friend who is also divorced due to infidelity. She's been divorced over four years and has just recently started to get interested in dating, though when an opportunity presents itself, she still kind of runs away.

I think it's probably different for everyone, but the common thread I see on SI is that people tend to "think" they're ready before they actually ARE. I don't want to fall into that trap.

InnerLight posted 3/7/2014 19:26 PM

It took me 18 months or so. I felt allergic to the idea for a long time and when well meaning people told me to start looking I would cringe and felt No Effing Way! At a certain point I got over that and thought it would be nice to be taken to dinner by a gentleman.

Keep in mind you can set your pacing as it works for you. You can date without it being an emeshed relationship. You can enjoy the company of a romantic partner without it turning into an all consuming all-in committed thing. And you can do that while being exclusive with and caring for eachother.

So being ready to date doesn't mean you are ready to marry or live with someone. You can let it evolve slowly over time if that works for you.

There are a fair amount of us in NB who are enjoying being in a new relationship but it gets boring to post that stuff so we don't much.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 7:27 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

h0peless posted 3/7/2014 19:51 PM

I'm a year and eight moths or so past Dday and 11 months from my divorce being final and I'm still not quite there. Maybe it will happen someday and maybe it won't. I'm perfectly happy being single.

Amazonia posted 3/7/2014 20:03 PM

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date.

I personally think people should wait until they're emotionally ready to deal with a breakup. Because the chances of your first post-D relationship working out are statistically very slim. Not trying to be negative, but realistically...dating involves pain.

wontdefineme posted 3/7/2014 21:51 PM

My dday was nov 2010, separated June 2011, divorced Jan 2013 and still can't bring myself to even think of dating. I feel like j had my married guard up for so long that it feels wrong to look. Don't even feel attracted to men. Maybe too much damage was done by xh to even open up yet. In time maybe, but I am not in a hurry.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 1:56 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

Bluebird26 posted 3/8/2014 01:21 AM

I am 2 1/2 years from DD and separation and D for just over a year and I am still not ready to date. Although the idea no longer makes me want to throw up anymore so heading in the right direction

But I am quite content on being single too.

stronger08 posted 3/8/2014 01:52 AM

I foolishly rushed into dating way too soon and all it did was set back my healing many, many months. You meet and date all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. I finally woke the hell up and took a year off from dating/sex with anyone. I got to know myself and finally came to terms with my past and what I wanted for my future. As for a timeframe, there is none. You will know when your ready. Some folks heal quicker than others. Trick is not to rush it.

I.will.survive posted 3/8/2014 10:03 AM

I wasn't emotionally ready to date until I was officially divorced.

My time line includes an in house separation of one year before I EVEN KNEW there was an affair, 18 months separated and now one year divorced.

I put myself on one dating site a few weeks after my divorce was final, but emotionally and physically I had been on my own for 2 years.

I met a man who showed me what real love and partnership is supposed to feel like so I didn't go through that sometimes awful dating scene! But I was ready I guess to subject myself.

Just be picky. Really picky. Don't date just to practice. Good men are out there. You'll have to weed through a bit to find them.

PhantomLimb posted 3/8/2014 13:50 PM

I'm also a month away from a year since DDay. I'm nowhere close, really.

For a long time I still felt loyalty to my X. That started to fade once we were officially D... although the idea of being with another man is really, really strange for me to contemplate.

I don't necessarily feel lonely, which is good. But X's A happened during a year when we were geographically apart for work. So I probably only had sex a handful on times that year when we were able to see each other. And now I haven't had sex since right before DDay. That's the longest I've ever gone. Because I'm emotionally damaged, it's not too big of a deal... but I'm not happy about it in a general sense.

I've had a few men ask me out or tell me they want a relationship. I've gone on a few dates, but I just know it's not right for me and I've majorly backed off. I remember at one point feeling like I wanted to throw up before just meeting one of them to watch the Super Bowl. I'm trying to do a better job of just listening to my gut on things like that.

All of that said, I think if I met a "right" guy I wouldn't hesitate to give him a chance. That feels good. As time goes on, I don't feel like I'm carrying too much baggage from X... although I'm sure some trust issues are going to come out if I ever get into another relationship.

((hugs))

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:51 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

kg201 posted 3/8/2014 13:59 PM

I started kind of early (2 months after DDay)...but I am also thinking that my marriage was falling apart over a year before dday, so maybe the real dday was earlier, and I kept my head in the sand and didn't want to know about it.

I would encourage you to look for opportunities to be with people (male or female), that are fun, but don't necessarily constitute dating.

PhoenixRisen posted 3/8/2014 14:42 PM

28 months after DD and D was finalized for a good 6 months, before I went out on a date (from OLD, we went out a few times, but didn't work out). Now, I'm not 100% sure I'm really ready to try again so I'm giving myself another year then I'll re-evaluate

homewrecked2011 posted 3/8/2014 21:09 PM

Thank you all !!! I am starting to realize that
I will never be as gullible as I was before, and that when I'm ready to date, I will really get to know the person before my heart enters the picture.....I think I will start hanging out with some friends of mine who have a few guy friends in the mix. Maybe that will start to move me towards getting out of my shell.