"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

housenotahome posted 3/7/2014 21:40 PM

I knew he would. Three years out and he hasn’t been there for me in quite some time. I am knee deep in A season and he has been nothing more than insensitive. We were both drinking tonight and he had the nerve to tell me where I lacked in our M and R when he has been far from perfect. In fact, he admitted to me today that he stopped trying to R months ago. It was like being gas lighted again for several months, so it was a relief when he admitted it and I told him so, even thanked him. I was wondering why I was crying almost every morning and day dreaming about D. I told him that I cry every morning because it feels like we are breaking up every day. My heart breaks every day because of his lack of compassion. He has become apathetic ever since he started taking his ADs and every time I mention it, he thinks I want him to stop taking them completely and become as miserable as me. We argued about everything, things got heated and I threw my wine glass on the carpet, close to his feet. He ran to mother’s house. I have wanted to break something for months. I wish I didn’t do it so close to his feet. I didn't aim for his feet. I know it was wrong and it gave him an excuse to justify the tantrum he’s been having for months. Now that I have done that, his A is no big deal. This is the moment he’s been waiting for. It’s as if I had an RA. I am sorry for throwing the glass close to his feet and I’m glad he didn’t get hurt. I wish he was sorry for being a shitty H. He says he is sorry but then he becomes a shitty husband, again. Oh well. I'll just continue to hope for a shred of happiness everyday I wish everyone else continued strength and hope. Peace.

[This message edited by housenotahome at 9:44 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

sunsetslost posted 3/7/2014 21:44 PM

(((housenotahome)))

cantgetup posted 3/7/2014 21:54 PM

You didn't do anything wrong. Don't feel bad. I hope things work out they way you want them to.

housenotahome posted 3/7/2014 22:02 PM

Thank you SunsetsLost and CantGetUP. I probably shouldn't of drank, at least around him and I shouldn't of broken a nice wine glass.

norabird posted 3/7/2014 22:05 PM

I hope you can forgive yourself for breaking the glass. You've been under a lot of strain and it's not something to beat yourself up about. You're not going to make a habit of it or anything, so forgive yourself and move on--it isn't something you need to have such excessive guilt about!

Jrazz posted 3/7/2014 22:06 PM

Minor infractions. Proof positive that he is scrapping for something to lay the blame on you.

I had a boyfriend who kept treating me worse and worse, hoping I'd break up with him. I remember fighting for the relationship, and he finally was like, "How much of this are you going to take?" Insanely cruel. (Turns out he was tired of sneaking around with a coworker. Sweet.)

I'm just so sorry. Don't let him put this on you. It's a cowardly way of saying that he doesn't want to be there. Try to stop giving him your energy. (((housenotahome)))

housenotahome posted 3/7/2014 22:16 PM

Thank you NoraBird. I have suffered from excessive guilt because of my shit M, I guess I just needed something more specific to feel badly about. Thanks JRazz.

Proof positive that he is scrapping for something to lay the blame on you

That is how it feels but I know I'm to blame for the glass. I haven't posted in so long. I'm glad I did.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/7/2014 22:46 PM

Oh for heaven's sake. You threw a glass in the vicinity of his feet. At least it wasn't at his head, right? But he ran off to Momma with his tale of woe about how awful YOU are for "throwing your wine glass at him."

Your WH is totally looking for any reason to *blame* you. Stop giving it to him. This guy is going to get so much *mileage* out of your glass-throwing incident that it is going to make you so sick that you will literally throw up.

Your best bet is to go totally NC and detached on him. That way he will have nothing to *use* against you.

I lied to my stbx for a long time about a non-marriage-ending-type of behavior that I was doing. He still, to this day, believes that my not-marriage-ending-type lie is totally equivalent to his lying about all of his affairs. He'll say: "well you're a liar too" without being able to recognize all of the nuances involved.

IMO, your WH walking out is a good thing and I hope that he stays gone. He is not remorseful for his behavior and you have already been living in hell for the past 3 years. It is time to cut bait.

housenotahome posted 3/7/2014 23:00 PM

Thanks Gonnabe. Its been feeling like its going in that direction. Lately, my feelings are irrelevant and he no longer owns up to much. I'm sorry for your situation and everyone's. This sucks ass!