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To cut out or not to cut out 'toxic' Family w's welcome

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Aussiescot posted 3/7/2014 22:15 PM

I'm hoping to get some perspective on FWH family & what to do about them? (Sorry it turned out longer than expected)

FWH's brother was married to a gf of mine, had an affair with now wifetress then went onto have an affair with an old flame & she had an OC! He still married to wifetress to this day! I have seen him play around with someone on a night out also with another woman before OC was born.
FWH's father is also another player & has remarried twice after 1st wife (FWH mother). On the Day of his 1st wedding he was apparently in a house across the road to the church watching all the guests arrive as he was having sex with some OW

I won't get onto the SIL's but know that one of them left a marriage to pursue an old flame also

So slowly getting to my question on what to do & how to go about this dealing with people I personally find toxic.
Since I have had to cut soo called 'friends' out of our lives because FWH either screws them 'cough' or mutual friends seem to 'keep' sitting on the fence with both sides!
In no other relationship I have been in has there been any cutting out of anyone but I find his family very narcissistic, especially the men but the women too on their own level.....BIL & FIL hate me because I stand up to them, they will degrade women & it seems they hate them!

I find FWH acts different when we have socialised with them in the past & most contact is done without me now as its just way too uncomfortable. There has been many things in the past with his family that have caused big rifts with our relationship, yet FWH has at the time sided with them then gets the Hoover out after the wrongs to suck me back up!

After a convo today with FWH about him not owning up to joining a social media site years ago with BIL ( had all his details with password although has never been used we just get emails, hi5 not exactly an innocent looking site btw)
I told him if it wasn't him that joined it must of been BIL that joined him up, & if it was there is consequences of people not being 'friends' of our relationship! He said ' so I have to get rid of everyone'? Anyone cut out toxic family before?

Jrazz posted 3/7/2014 22:19 PM

Oh man can I tell you that I get this.

We cut out toxic family with the guidance of many counselors and other friends and family. It's not easy. There are people who are going to vilify you for being "mean" to these people, when all you are doing is getting space. I highly recommend Dr. Susan Forward's "Toxic Inlaws" and "Toxic Parents" for guidance and validation.


Aussiescot posted 3/7/2014 23:00 PM

Jrazz that is exactly what will happen, it's already kind of happening anyway! They will never own their part in any of this because I'M the problem, big meanie I am

Did you actually have to tell them that was what was happening or did you slowly have to break away? I feel both ways will cause a rage-a-thon from them here.....they act like 4 yr olds these men, no actually 4 year olds have more maturity!

I think I had toxic in laws in my sample from kindle ( there's like a mini library on there lol) thank you
After going through this crap I just don't want anymore crap people in our lives, hard when it's family....& a few of them too!

Ladyogilvy posted 3/8/2014 01:30 AM

I am the queen of cutting toxic people out of my life... Everyone but WH. Started with my birth father and went on from there. Cut off toxic mother in law when she offered to babysit one night but refused not to hit the babies. She never heard from me or them again. WH cut her off shortly there after. The "babies" are in college now. Cutting people off is easy. Much more easy than keeping them in your life. I am grateful that the people I needed to cut off made it the obvious choice with their outrageous behavior and so I haven't had to have them in my life or the lives of my children.

DragonBunker posted 3/8/2014 01:31 AM

I have done this. My ex's family are crazy toxic. They cover up for each others crap, even actual genuine crimes and minimise and enable and mess with people's heads. Very very toxic people.

Anyway, what I did was send a No Contact letter to his mother. She was in control of all the family. So I told her that I wanted nothing from any of them, total NC and I would enforce it by restraining order if my request was not respected. She's the grandmother to my children and I still cut her and the rest of them out. It's been one year NC and it's blissful.

Jrazz posted 3/8/2014 03:06 AM

We told them that if they were willing to go to counseling with us we would give them an opportunity to have healthy communication. You can imagine how well this went over with NPD substance abusers.

It's a super long story, but in the end we just stick to our guns and take our space. I recommend giving them as little fodder as possible. If you can both get away with declining being in their presence indefinitely, I say go for it. Spend your energy on the people who contribute positively to your existence. You shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for not making time to deal with their crap.

I'll tell you, it's still really hard. SIL has said some AWFUL things about us, and needs to blame me for all her family's problems or she would have to face up to the fact that she has been drinking some messed up kool aid her whole life. (Her parents were furious when Crazz moved out at TWENTY FIVE years old. They all said I was a bad influence when I invited him to a baseball game, because THEY only watch football. Oh, and I was too good to get drunk at dinner.)

I get validation every time anyone else in Crazz's life says that they have watched him grow and mature in the last ten years and are proud of the man he has become. In every other relationship I was in the family seemed to love me. This was the first time I had a door slammed in my face because they didn't like that I had my own life that was nothing like theirs.

ALLL this being said, it still breaks my heart that my DD4 does not know her aunt or grandfather on that side. It feels so strange to me, but Crazz has more resolve than I do to keep away from them and their vortex of judgment and misery.

Your FWH may be uncomfortable about the idea, but he really needs to take a hard look at the long term here. People like this aren't going to change without big impetus, and your feelings alone aren't going to be enough for them. There's no fixing them - there's only getting yourselves to the healthiest space possible. Don't call it "getting rid." Call it "keeping their toxicity at arms length."


Mommato5 posted 3/8/2014 03:10 AM

Following this thread! My in laws aren't as bad as some of yours but made it clear through helping "support" us through our infidelity crisis, that WH would be happier without me!

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