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Newest Member: Highdrive (58413)

User Topic: I was very close to hitting the OW
♀ 42276
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The quick backstory so this makes sense. My husband has a child from a previous, relationship. They were never married. I've been in the picture since the child was 13 months old and will be turning 5 very soon. The OW/biomom has been unstable and in and out of her son's life.

This past weekend was her time to have him. She is homeless so she stays with her mother on her weekends with the child which is the only time her mother lets her stay over. During the weekend, my husband I moved from one apartment to another within the same community, different floor and recently renovated.

Sunday she brings the child back EARLY despite are insistence that we weren't ready. While playing on the playground, the child announces he has to pee. He has a bad habit of waiting until the last minute to say anything (which is why I tend to remind him now and then).

She starts texting, then calling, saying he has to pee and demands we do something about this. We tell her to take him to the supermarket that is practically across the street or to the Burger King on the corner and get him a snack. She refuses.

We start hauling stuff from the truck to our new apartment. I was on my way to the apartment with my second load from the truck when I see her running directly for the open door as if she had every right to just charge into OUR home. Thankfully my husband was just inside the doorway but I was so close to just tackling and hitting her.

She then starts verbally berating us for not allowing the child into the apartment either. Reason? There were boxes blocking the bathroom and NO lightbulbs in there at all. We needed to rearrange things before it would be accessible. So what does she do after nearly barging into our place? Demands the key to our old apartment in the next building so she can take him there.

I was livid. I'm still livid.

Husband laid it out for her, though. Of course, she won't be able to see him on weekends soon anyway. Her job is changing her hours and she works every Saturday and Sunday. Karma is a beautiful thing sometimes.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 12358
Member # 12358
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry but when a kid needs to pee, they need to pee.

You should have let him in.

Is the f*cking you're getting, worth the f*cking you're getting?

Posts: 715 | Registered: Oct 2006
♀ 36067
Member # 36067
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, she's not the OW, you are! (Unless, of course by OW you mean Original Woman. Now that's different.)

[This message edited by awesomedamaged at 4:41 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

"You can't unring that bell or unfuck that woman." (Chump Lady)

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the other places you suggested were just as close, then I get it. To an extent. You could've let them use the old apartment. I think by that point you all were mentally in a struggle over who's in control.

AD- you're making assumptions about how SBG's relationship started. Unless you think once someone has sex/child with someone they have dibs forever?

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:54 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11645 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Storybook, I hear you! I'm sorry with what you've been going through with this woman. I read your back story, and understand what you mean by OW. Your husband had an A with her, after you were married. And she happened to have a child with him from a relationship that occurred before you and him were together.

It sounds like this OW has a power play going on here. I'd read it as her trying to manipulate any reason to invade your home or mess with your life. I'm sure she's probably done these things before.

You're a strong woman for not hitting her. I would have wanted to also. Obviously it's wrong... but it's so hard to deal with the blow of an A, then have to deal with the OW never going away.

YES!!! She absolutely should have taken the child to the burger king. In this case, she knew what she was doing. The two of you were in the process of moving into a new home. She had no right to try and find a reason to invade that home. And on your first day there???!!! Wow, she's a nasty ass OW. Soooo wrong.

I just wanted you to know I really feel for you, and your feelings are justified in my book.

I do think it's sad that this little boy is being played by her like this. I hope he can find stability with the two of you.

Good luck with your new home

[This message edited by TrulySad at 6:21 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

I've been a BW and a BGF. Dealt with adultery, physical and emotional abuse, and sex addiction.
Today, I'm a 49 year old woman who's trying to be happy and live my life with a loving heart and hope 😊

Posts: 947 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so sad that she uses her child as a tool to force herself upon you. I feel bad for the child, but completely understand your frustration. She should have been an adult and handled the situation like any good mother would.

The time she wasted texting and calling, could have been spent getting the poor kid to the bathroom. Any resourceful adult would have worked it out without the badgering.

But I suspect you aren't dealing with an "adult".

Glad you didn't hit her. Not worth it.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 26864
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things. One, it is fairly obvious that her H cheated on her with his ex, so calling the BW an AP is out of line. Two, the bathroom in the new apartment was blocked with boxes, unlit and not ready. Any sensible adult would have used the burger king bathroom, which seemed to be the closer option anyway to the playground.

divorced for 7 years
Happily remarried to a much better choice. :D
mom to two awesome boys,12 and 10

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or, as any mother of sons knows, find a private tree. In an EMERGENCY, boys are handy that way.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ 42276
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tawnee, normally it would not have been an issue, but we were in the final crunch of trying to move from a third floor to a first floor, with people cancelling their coming to help and no elevator. The place was a mess and we weren't prepared for her to drop him off a full 2 hours ahead of schedule.

Awesomedamage, that was out of line. I made it clear in the opening that I was in the picture AFTER she and he split up. He did not cheat on the BioMom with me. She is the Other Woman as well as the ex-girlfriend and biomom. Last year, they had an emotional affair with some physical stuff. She is the Other Woman and one that cannot be completely removed from our lives because of the child they share, the same child that called me Mommy before her (because she can't be bothered to be an adult in his life).

HollyIsis, You can see both places I mentioned from the apartment complex. They are an easy walking distance away (she also had her car). The child was also playing his "I'm hungry. I'm not hungry" game which usually means he's hungry. Part of why we suggested to just go to the Burger King, get a snack, and let him pee.

The old apartment was off-limits due to the fact that we still had personal affects in there. We were not letting her have access to those things (some of them were literally boxes of personal papers from our desks that we had not yet moved). If it had been empty, completely, it would not have been an issue.

TrulySad, she has found ways to barge into our previous apartment before. And that was BEFORE the affair. Then during the affair, he let her into our home while I was gone on at least one occasion. So, yeah, I don't want her in our new place at all. A place where we've finally started getting "real" furniture, that matches and looks nice. We're building OUR home. I don't want that sullied, period.

And thank you for your well wishes.

refuz2bavictim, Thank you for your comments, as well.

You are right that she isn't much of an adult. And I knew if I hit her, it would only feel better for a moment. But oh the movie of it in my head was beautiful.

JessicaFL, thank you for your defense. I appreciate it.

scardyKat, that is what she finally did. Took him into the bushes. He thought it was awesome.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Putting everything else aside --
Why didn't your H, the child's father, get the boy, take him to the old apartment to pee, then bring him back to OW?

Regardless of any other circumstances, I'm sorry, but 2X4 here. The child had to pee. His father was there. YOU were there. Really, one of you couldn't take ten minutes out to tend to a small child?

That's the message you all three gave the boy: too bad for you. Our grown up stuff is more important than you.

And what's more disturbing, frankly, is that you are not admitting that you or your H might in fact be in the wrong here.

Very hard situation for you, obviously. Please think on it.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 42276
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


We were on day three of trying to move, both extremely exhausted and sore. She was told, explicitly, before even getting there that we were not ready to take him. At the time she showed up, we were actually moving some heavy boxes down from the 3rd floor and trying to get them loaded into the truck.

The old apartment had no toilet paper in it or towels or soap. Also it had no lightbulbs in the bathroom, either. (And to explain why, we bought fancy, expensive LEDs for the bathroom of our old apartment. We were moving the ones in our new apartment to the old and keeping our expensive, brighter bulbs.)

Like it or not, she chose to show up when told we were not ready for her, and then tried to charge into OUR new apartment that she has no business or invitation to. Yes the child needed to pee, but she had numerous options that could have been done while we were moving heavy boxes and trying to get things done.

As is, we were moving stuff and cleaning the old apartment until almost 10:00 that night. It was a horrible weekend. The fact that she thought she was entitled to our place, old or new, did not help matters.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..i'm thinking... "A tempest in a peepot"

smy... when you gotta go, you gotta go!

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 69
Her 66
Married 44 yrs (together 49)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4835 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't you love it when someone crosses boundaries and then you end up having to defend yourself for putting a stop to it?

Quite simply, the woman was deliberately trying to cross boundaries and cause issues. She's done it before and, if allowed, will do it again. She had all kinds of options for getting the boy to the bathroom but wanted to use him to push boundaries. When it wasn't allowed, she had a tantrum instead of just handling it like an adult. If there were no lights in either bathroom, the boy wouldn't be able to see to pee which means a mess to cleanup later. The bushes worked fine and you held your boundaries. I wouldn't want an OW who violated my old space in the past to violate the new space I was trying to create, either.

On this site, the divorce forum is constantly telling members not to allow exes to push boundaries. No allowing him/her in the house at drop off, pick up. No dropping off or picking up early unless it's an emergency. No last minute schedule changes. This woman and her husband tried to enforce boundaries with his ex and ends up having to defend herself for doing it. Yes, he or she could have dropped what they were doing and taken him to the bathroom. But why would they have to when there was another adult with him who wasn't moving furniture?

The only advice I would give you, StorybookGirl, is to start having a backup plan for how you will handle things with your stepson if there is an early drop off in the future when you already have plans. Most of the divorce forum advises that because ex-spouses have a way of trying to throw a wrench in plans. You know you can't count on her so always have something in place for when she violates an agreement. That way, she never gets under your skin. For example: You might have had someone lined up to watch him on moving day in case she showed up early so you could just drop him off and get right back to it. Then she doesn't get the reaction she hopes for and you don't get upset because the problem is already handled. Essentially, you eliminate the drama she craves before it even begins and she has to figure out somewhere else to create her drama. Start doing that now and it will make your life easier and your reconciliation more successful.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 5678 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♀ 42276
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tearsoflove, Thank you for everything you said.

Your suggestions in that last paragraph make a lot of sense. We didn't think to have a last minute kid watcher ready. Next time we move (which hopefully won't be for a while) that is definitely going to be in the works. Thanks!

Normally at pickups we always have a drink and snack handy since he is nearly always starving and dehydrated when we get him back.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this woman is the boys mother and hypothetically responsible enough to be a caretaker then she should be capable of tending to the kids bathroom requirements. Passing those off to other people is irresponsible. I know that when a kid has to pee he has to pee but holy shit, what fucking parent stands around bitching and moaning that their ex wont let them in and makes the kid do the dance? The OW doesn't sound like she should be left alone with children, frankly. I don't think making other people responsible for her personal failures at parenting is the right way to go.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7848 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP handled this just fine. The mother had many options but chose to make things difficult by choosing to exercise her poor boundaries. Tried to manipulate a situation and was shut down.

If the bio-mom had any interest in her child she would have gone to Burger King like any other normally functioning adult but nope, chose to create drama and trouble.

Bio-mom started this mess and put the child in the middle, not OP. Bio-mom thought by throwing a kid in the mix she could get her way but unfortunately, there are no winners here.

Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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