"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JellyGirl84 posted 3/8/2014 09:28 AM

I have remained NC from my STBXWH for quite some time now. Even when my lawyer suggested I might want to respond to an email from him that requested how to sift through our personal belongings, I basically told the lawyer we could put it in the divorce complaint because as little contact as possible is my preference.

HOWEVER, when the divorce is finalized and official, I really want to send XWH an email as my last and final goodbye/FU. First, how many of you think this is a BAD idea; to show him my feelings and vent before moving on? Second, for those that think it'd be ok, I have previously posted an extremely long send-off on SI but I have shortened it down to what is below. What do you think of it?

What justifications did your father make to feel better about cheating on his young wife and leaving his two small children? Did your mother not cook the food he liked? Did your sister ask him too many homework questions? Or was it that you, at two years old, weren't able to color inside the lines? Whatever his justifications, I'm sure he believed them and held onto them tightly; probably still does. I'm sure it was the only way he knew how to run from his responsibilities. His whore had the audacity to show up on your mother's doorstep and dared to speak to your mother as if she had the right.

A person that hurts someone who they pledged to honor, love and cherish forever is an emotional terrorist and sick in the head. There is NO justification for it. Justify and victimize yourself to everyone we know-tell them how what you've done was wrong but I gave you reason because I yelled or said nasty things, because poor little you started to feel unhappy, or because I didn't go to marriage counseling in the end (conveniently leave out that the reason I didn't go was because you said you wouldn't go/you didn't want to work on our marriage 2 days before the appointment and that is why I made you leave our home and be careful not to tell them you only went because your mother made you). Date that girl because she helps you pretend like you're her Knight In Shining Armor; maybe if she strokes your ego continually you can just forget what a coward and fool you've been. While you were betraying me with her, she was making you feel like it wasn't so bad because of how much you "help" her. You'll both get what's coming to you. Maybe you'll never have to truly acknowledge that you've got problems way bigger than I could give you. She's garbage like you. Every beautiful memory we made over ten years is dead to me, just like you. You killed it all with your selfishness.

PS. I think it's hilarious that you "found" your affair partner and your divorce lawyer on the same street in town. I guess, for you, it really is all about convenience. I hope you stay forever in luuuuuurve in your fairy tale land.

ETA: I have determined that you guys are right about continuing NC. It is THE BEST FU.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 12:35 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

Dreamboat posted 3/8/2014 09:38 AM

What do you hope to gain by sending him the letter? Do you hope that he will finally "get it"? He won't. Do you hope he will see the error of he ways? He won't. Do you hope that he will become a better father? He won't. Do you hope he will feel shame and guilt? He won't. Do you just want to share you feelings with him? He won't care.

Whatever you hope to accomplish by sending the letter probably will not happen. So why send it?

lost_in_toronto posted 3/8/2014 09:41 AM

If it makes you feel better to have your final say, then go ahead and send it. However, you need to be aware that whatever you write to him will only fuel his own justifications for his actions. You are giving him a measure of power over you again because you are giving him your words and he will do what he wants with them. As long as you are okay with that, go ahead and send them. I understand the need for closure and having yourself heard.

Personally, I wouldn't bother. As difficult as it is to remain NC I think the biggest fuck you is the fuck you that is never actually said - ignoring him and moving on with your fabulous life. That's what I tell myself every time I am forced to ignore the OW breaking NC again, anyway. I get it might be different with the man you married and planned your future with.

(((JellyGirl84)))

Gr8Lady posted 3/8/2014 09:43 AM

Just my opinion but it will go right over his head.

You make valid points, and it is well written, but it might as well be in another language.

He won't get it!

JellyGirl84 posted 3/8/2014 09:44 AM

You guys are right. Thanks for the 2x4s.

Ps. We don't have children, dreamboat....and thank God for it!

The one thing I have to hold on to re: vengeance is how true I know my mother's favorite quote is,

"Every dog gets its day."

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 9:48 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

betrayedfriend posted 3/8/2014 10:16 AM

Honestly I wouldn't send that at all... It gives him way too much power. I'm personally a huge fan of complete crickets but if you must send something, I'd send something very simple but powerful... 6 words.. HAHA! Joke's on you. I'm FREE!

heforgotme posted 3/8/2014 11:16 AM

I think you have given him the biggest FU of all by remaining completely NC. I can only imagine that you have made him feel insignificant to you. So, I don't think I'd send the letter bc that may validate to him that he was significant after all.

JaneDeaux posted 3/8/2014 12:39 PM

Great letter! I'm too new to give advice but wow I wish I could turn a phrase as beautifully as you did.

Merlin posted 3/8/2014 13:10 PM

FU letters are a meager ego kibble.

Living the life you want is far more important. So spend your time, thoughts and heart there rather than on your ex.

Ostrich80 posted 3/8/2014 18:53 PM

I think you have given him the biggest FU of all by remaining completely NC

I agree with this ^^^^
You are showing him he's not worth a second of your precious time. Although a big FU may make you feel better, his thinking will be, she's still mad, I get to her, she must still have feelings for me. Jmo

norabird posted 3/8/2014 23:08 PM

I don't think he will hear this either. We have heard it and we know how shitty he is. As the others say he doesn't deserve your energy. Yes, we still give it to them...but they don't need to know.

I like your mom's saying.

phoenixrise posted 3/8/2014 23:25 PM

I guess I'm in the minority because I liked it...well done maybe you can add something about you moving on and not caring about him anymore and how one day the karma bus will put tire tracks on his coveted man parts. I say if it makes you feel like you have had your say go for it I view it as therapy what if you don't send it...would you always regret not telling him how you felt about the whole thing? One thing is for sure you can tell he really hurt you and he meant alot to you...are you ok with that? I think it's just being honest and there is nothing wrong with showing emotion and how much his actions impacted you and how he should be forever ashamed of his selfishness

[This message edited by phoenixrise at 11:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

nolight posted 3/8/2014 23:56 PM

Bad idea Hun (although super tempting I know!) I think the most important thing to protect is your dignity, don't give the jerk and OW, if she's still in the picture, a chance to portray you as emotional, psycho, or any other negative image they often try to paint us in.

NOTHING says "you are unimportant to me" to the ex H and "you have nothing that I want" to the OW then dignified silence.

Newme123 posted 3/9/2014 12:18 PM

I second Ostrich80. You sending this letter will only validate how screwed up his thinking is. Don't send it. The best fu you can give him is to ignore his existence.