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Newest Member: Sarah5479 (61853)

User Topic: The FU Send-Off
♀ 41717
Member # 41717
Question  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have remained NC from my STBXWH for quite some time now. Even when my lawyer suggested I might want to respond to an email from him that requested how to sift through our personal belongings, I basically told the lawyer we could put it in the divorce complaint because as little contact as possible is my preference.

HOWEVER, when the divorce is finalized and official, I really want to send XWH an email as my last and final goodbye/FU. First, how many of you think this is a BAD idea; to show him my feelings and vent before moving on? Second, for those that think it'd be ok, I have previously posted an extremely long send-off on SI but I have shortened it down to what is below. What do you think of it?

What justifications did your father make to feel better about cheating on his young wife and leaving his two small children? Did your mother not cook the food he liked? Did your sister ask him too many homework questions? Or was it that you, at two years old, weren't able to color inside the lines? Whatever his justifications, I'm sure he believed them and held onto them tightly; probably still does. I'm sure it was the only way he knew how to run from his responsibilities. His whore had the audacity to show up on your mother's doorstep and dared to speak to your mother as if she had the right.

A person that hurts someone who they pledged to honor, love and cherish forever is an emotional terrorist and sick in the head. There is NO justification for it. Justify and victimize yourself to everyone we know-tell them how what you've done was wrong but I gave you reason because I yelled or said nasty things, because poor little you started to feel unhappy, or because I didn't go to marriage counseling in the end (conveniently leave out that the reason I didn't go was because you said you wouldn't go/you didn't want to work on our marriage 2 days before the appointment and that is why I made you leave our home and be careful not to tell them you only went because your mother made you). Date that girl because she helps you pretend like you're her Knight In Shining Armor; maybe if she strokes your ego continually you can just forget what a coward and fool you've been. While you were betraying me with her, she was making you feel like it wasn't so bad because of how much you "help" her. You'll both get what's coming to you. Maybe you'll never have to truly acknowledge that you've got problems way bigger than I could give you. She's garbage like you. Every beautiful memory we made over ten years is dead to me, just like you. You killed it all with your selfishness.

PS. I think it's hilarious that you "found" your affair partner and your divorce lawyer on the same street in town. I guess, for you, it really is all about convenience. I hope you stay forever in luuuuuurve in your fairy tale land.

ETA: I have determined that you guys are right about continuing NC. It is THE BEST FU.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 12:35 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

BW, 33

Posts: 758 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you hope to gain by sending him the letter? Do you hope that he will finally "get it"? He won't. Do you hope he will see the error of he ways? He won't. Do you hope that he will become a better father? He won't. Do you hope he will feel shame and guilt? He won't. Do you just want to share you feelings with him? He won't care.

Whatever you hope to accomplish by sending the letter probably will not happen. So why send it?

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it makes you feel better to have your final say, then go ahead and send it. However, you need to be aware that whatever you write to him will only fuel his own justifications for his actions. You are giving him a measure of power over you again because you are giving him your words and he will do what he wants with them. As long as you are okay with that, go ahead and send them. I understand the need for closure and having yourself heard.

Personally, I wouldn't bother. As difficult as it is to remain NC I think the biggest fuck you is the fuck you that is never actually said - ignoring him and moving on with your fabulous life. That's what I tell myself every time I am forced to ignore the OW breaking NC again, anyway. I get it might be different with the man you married and planned your future with.


Me: BS/42
Him: WS/40
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 17 years.

Posts: 1803 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my opinion but it will go right over his head.

You make valid points, and it is well written, but it might as well be in another language.

He won't get it!

BS: Me (65yo)FWH: HIM (67yo)) serial infidelities over past 35 years
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2013

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 41717
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are right. Thanks for the 2x4s.

Ps. We don't have children, dreamboat....and thank God for it!

The one thing I have to hold on to re: vengeance is how true I know my mother's favorite quote is,

"Every dog gets its day."

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 9:48 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

BW, 33

Posts: 758 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
♀ 19785
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I wouldn't send that at all... It gives him way too much power. I'm personally a huge fan of complete crickets but if you must send something, I'd send something very simple but powerful... 6 words.. HAHA! Joke's on you. I'm FREE!

I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have given him the biggest FU of all by remaining completely NC. I can only imagine that you have made him feel insignificant to you. So, I don't think I'd send the letter bc that may validate to him that he was significant after all.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 42630
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great letter! I'm too new to give advice but wow I wish I could turn a phrase as beautifully as you did.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FU letters are a meager ego kibble.

Living the life you want is far more important. So spend your time, thoughts and heart there rather than on your ex.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have given him the biggest FU of all by remaining completely NC

I agree with this ^^^^
You are showing him he's not worth a second of your precious time. Although a big FU may make you feel better, his thinking will be, she's still mad, I get to her, she must still have feelings for me. Jmo
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he will hear this either. We have heard it and we know how shitty he is. As the others say he doesn't deserve your energy. Yes, we still give it to them...but they don't need to know.

I like your mom's saying.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 41745
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm in the minority because I liked it...well done maybe you can add something about you moving on and not caring about him anymore and how one day the karma bus will put tire tracks on his coveted man parts. I say if it makes you feel like you have had your say go for it I view it as therapy what if you don't send it...would you always regret not telling him how you felt about the whole thing? One thing is for sure you can tell he really hurt you and he meant alot to you...are you ok with that? I think it's just being honest and there is nothing wrong with showing emotion and how much his actions impacted you and how he should be forever ashamed of his selfishness

[This message edited by phoenixrise at 11:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad idea Hun (although super tempting I know!) I think the most important thing to protect is your dignity, don't give the jerk and OW, if she's still in the picture, a chance to portray you as emotional, psycho, or any other negative image they often try to paint us in.

NOTHING says "you are unimportant to me" to the ex H and "you have nothing that I want" to the OW then dignified silence.

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 41119
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second Ostrich80. You sending this letter will only validate how screwed up his thinking is. Don't send it. The best fu you can give him is to ignore his existence.

Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 14

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