The only update would be that I did answer his petition for divorce with infidelity, which does not seem to have incurred the amount of anger I was anticipating.
The only contact he ever makes is regarding bills, etc. Once I told him that he created all of this damage and he just gets to walk away without dealing with the consequences. His responded that he has to come home to a lonely house filled with broken dreams. He still will not admit to sleeping with the OW.
When their character has become so vindictive and just writes you off as if you never meant anything to them, do they ever come out of this? Is there any hope to save my marriage? I miss my husband so much, but this man is nothing like him.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate input you can provide.
Now we are still here today. And he continues and has escalated his activities. Again I will be presenting him with even more damning evidence. Idk what his response will be but I can say - he will not take the blame.
I didn't believe in D. I believed in for better or worse. But now the worse is way hellacious. I have been reading and see that the bible allows for D in the event of adultery. Sink feel that I will not be "damned" bc of it. I will just have to live with me.
Waywards have little regard for the faithful to begin with. He didn't change. You expected more bc of vows.
Hugs and strength. You will need it.
HUGS. I'm sorry your husband is apparently like mine. It sucks to be disposable.
1. He is a people pleaser-although right now you don't seem to count as a person to him. He has done this in the past to his own detriment and/or the detriment of your marriage.
2. He's a perfectionist.
3. No matter what he has done with his life, he feels he's not been the person he was supposed to be.
4. He has unbalanced loyalty issues ie- he remains loyal to relationships(with people, groups, cultures, jobs) that incur a cost for him and have little if any benefit. Like a friend who always "forgets" to bring his wallet to lunch. The idea behind this is that it builds resentment in him but he never speaks up about it.
5. He is a nice guy and people would find his affair behavior to be shocking.
6. He comes from a family who rugsweeps. (can't handle having, expressing or working through "bad" feelings)
7. He's in some way the family's Golden Child probably because he is very intelligent.
8. He lives a lifestyle that is very different from that of his parents and he makes more money then they did.
9. He is a conflict avoider, although again, all this is of his doing and it creates a huge conflict.
My husband was all of these things. As painful as his As were, they were nothing compared to what he was willing to do/say to cover them up. I felt personally attacked by him and he used every way possible to get me to stop searching for and exposing the truth of his actions.
This man is very, very broken inside. Right now losing his family, marriage, lifestyle, and financial level is less painful than facing what's going on inside of him.
He is a coward in every sense of the word. Running away instead of facing you. You represent what he is doing is bad and he must reject you in order to maintain his vision of himself.
His low self esteem isn't new, in fact it's what is behind all of this. Before his A it would seem he had no reason to feel badly about himself but he does.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I miss my husband so much, but this man is nothing like him.
Or, is it, "...but this man is not who I used to think he was."
Or....."...but I've seen a side I never knew existed. If I had known that this side of him existed, I probably wouldn't have married him. If I had known that this side could become a dominant part of his life, I definitely wouldn't have married him."
I'm going to go and read your thread in ICR and will come back with a more specific set of thoughts.
In any case, after reading your profile I can see your situation. Geez.
You said this is your profile:
I feel that he should have told me how he felt about our marriage before it was too late (in his mind) to work on it, that he should never gotten involved with OW. I now know that lots of people go through this.
I have trouble deciding whether my husband is having a MLC or if this is just an exit affair.
I have trouble deciding whether my husband is having a MLC or if this is just an exit affair.
The first paragraph is true. He should have stayed closer to you and communicated better and given you an earlier heads up, etc., but that's not what he did. Instead, he drifted.
The second paragraph is a good question. I'm not a therapist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, so here's what it seems like to me. Your H does seem like he is having a MLC. He's questioning his chosen career path, his long time relationship.....his entire life. Unfortunately, he didn't bring you along on his MLC journey. He's grown his hair longer, toned-up his body, bought his convertible Porsche (so to speak) and asked his younger assistant to hop in the passenger seat for the reckless, fast-driving ride. You've been the equivalent of a parent calling him occasionally on his cell phone, during his MLC joy ride.
So, what to do? Here are three options:
1. The obvious: Divorce him and move through the pain as you eventually heal.
2. The inadvisable: Hang around the edges, divorced or not, and hope that the Porsche either crashes (and he's safe) or loses it's appeal and he returns to real life.
3. The outrageously inadvisable: Ask him if you can go for a ride in the Porsche. (...which means to outdo his current MLC passenger and outdo her in the biggest of ways. Offer to sell everything, quit jobs, embrace the MLC fully, travel to the ends of the Earth, doctor to needy kids in Haiti, rent yachts in the south of France, eat at five star restaurants in Paris, completely blow it out......with only one rule....it's just you, the dog and him on this trip....no passengers.....no one else allowed in.)
NMAI- He texted me yesterday that he did give his notice at his job. I have mixed feelings about this, since we had decided this was best before all of this happened. I am surprised, however, bc since he will losing half of assets in the D and this job pays much higher than many others, I thought he would stick it out to recoup some of his losses.
I am about to go see him to get our pet but plan on acting happy to see her and then just leaving.
I have written a letter to his parents explaining my side of the story. Any thoughts on this?
I posted in ICR-BS questions for WS part 8
Leaving his high-paying job is a big deal, but it would fit with the MLC theory.
...glad you're getting your dog. At least there's a ray of sunshine right now.
Good luck today. Hold your head high.
For once, I actually got angry instead of being sad. I told him that I couldn't believe he brought his girlfriend with him. That they deserved each other. That removing his ring and divorcing me in his mind does not mean he's not married to me anymore. I told him he was disgusting. He actually had this dumbfounded look on his face, like he hadn't considered that bringing her might not be a good idea or that I might be angry.
He then said, again, she's not his girlfriend, just a friend. Then later texted me that he felt he needed a witness.
I can't even believe that this is what my lovely, happy life has turned into.
1. No, he is not a people pleaser in any way.
2. Yes, in a lot of ways. He's very meticulous.
3. I gather that this is true based on him originally saying he didn't like who he is.
4. This is a hard one. I think the answer is no. I think it is easy for him to focus on himself and only do what works for him. See #6.
5. Very true
6. His family actually is very small and none of them get along. They have all written each other off. He had always been disappointed in them and tried to model himself to NOT be like them. But, after we had been married for 7 years, he did write off one of the most important members in his family. They had one fight and then were both done with each other for good. I remember thinking if he could do that to her, it would be terrible for him to get mad with me. Now I know exactly what that feels like.
7. Very true
8. Very true
9. I would say no to this. In work situations, he is very quick to address any issues. With our marriage, previously, I would also have said no. But since he tries to say he's been unhappy for two years and I know that he never addressed ANY issues with me during this time, I guess this should now be a YES.
[This message edited by FeelingLost13 at 9:22 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
I'm sorry he can't even admit the affair and brought her for the dog drop-off. He is far far gone. Keep moving forward with what is best for you and he can catch up later if he sees what a fool he has been. A MLC is no excuse and you can't use it as a justification to lessen his betrayal.
Hugs and strength to you.
I know he told you that he put in notice at work. He and the OW work together. You need to out them to HR at work.
Then out him to everyone you can.
He seems scared of people knowing but this is not your secret to keep. If he wants this then people should know about it.
I have actually tried to report her to HR aas this is her 2nd affair in less than 6 months (the other was with my friends husband) but was told that unless they're caught in the act at work, they don't do anything about it. He is not an employee and his partners are worse than him so nothing will happen to him. I was adamant about trying to get her fired though, bc I am a lot more independent than most physician wives. I have my own career and I don't have children so I sort of saw myself as the one who needed to try to make repercussions known to these OP who think nothing of participating in destroying families for their own selfish wants.
My plan is to call my L tomorrow to tell him to be aggressive as possible now. I have tried and tried to be the better person and take the high road but I can't take having to see him every weekend to share our pet.
One of the responses from what I had posted on the ICR forum had suggested that since WH filed for D, he probably wasn't in a fog. But the look on his face today looked exactly like a foggy person would look like. How could he have been surprised that I would be furious with him bringing OW to the exchange? And what is the deal about minimizing their relationship when he called it an affair at other times? I feel like it is just all mind games. He constantly texts me that I think I know everything about everyone but I am wrong. How can going on a vacation, sleeping at her house, my dog being at her house, and bringing her today, be construed as a "friend"? They are unbelievable.
It is disgusting, bc so far, he has had to suffer very few consequences for his actions. I will be sending the letter to his parents and have finally told some friends the truth. Any thoughts on sending a letter to OW parents as she is single?
Thanks for listening. Sorry for the rant. I'm finally getting some anger, which for me is a good thing.
I think if it's possible that would shock them both more than a letter to her parents. She'll just tell them you are crazy. It doesn't mean I wouldn't still consider it but see if you can do something more meaningful to expose her first.
That sucks the HR doesn't care. I'm impressed that you tried several times. Are you possibly in a state that allows suing for alien of affection?
Is there some sort of work related association the whore is a member of? There has to be a way at this whore since you have 2 wives who would like to expose her. Hopefully your attorney would have some other ideas.
Personally - I'd hire a Private Investigator to PROVE your WH is (and has been) using Marriage Funds to live with OW during his affair.
I'd also check and see if you can file Allienation of Affection charges against the OW in your State. If you can...I'd probably VERBALLY tell my WH I'm seriously thinking about suing his little girlfriend - and watch him squirm. I'm not sure if I'd actually do it...but it would be fun to watch my WH and his OW SQUIRM a bit!!!
I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Betrayed wife-outing her to her licensing board was a good idea. I hadn't thought of it, but when I called they said I could file a complaint but they wouldn't do anything since it didn't affect patient care.
Dare2Trust-Unfortunately I don't live in a state that allows for alienation of affection or where infidelity is a "crime", which sucks because the other states we've lived in do.
undonelife-I hope you're right about karma and consequences down the road bc right now it feels like I'm the only one suffering.