*Finding my strength*
Have you read about the 180? I think you would benefit from it a lot. Focus on YOU.
I've read that its easy for the WS to feel they are in "luv" (not love!) with the AP because its not real. They don't deal with the real relationship stuff that come with a real relationship.
They say to give the WS what they want! I think they soon learn that every relationship takes work, and has the same struggles. The fairy tale eventually ends for them. And it isn't as exciting when its not a secret.
IMHO - If it was me, I'd personally tell him to fuck off. If he thinks he's in love with the OW then she can have him. How can he commit to R and NC with the OW if he thinks he's in love with her? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!!
He said that once you move away the feelings SHOULD go away?? That would worry me!! So if you didn't move, they wouldn't go away?
Sending you some strength today!
[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 12:38 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Please take 4everfaithful83's advice and read about the 180. I agree with her that it might help you. I know you are in this right now, and I'm no where near the end of this journey, but I do know that what I did implement with the 180 has worked for me. Please remember to take care of yourself--shower, eat, and keep a routine. That helps when dealing with these tough emotions.
It's hard and really hurts, but you need to keep your composure and be calm when you tell him. The more calm the better the effect. Hold your feelings in and go cry somewhere else...you car, the basement, drive down a dirt road somewhere and scream. But don't let him see you crying...ever.
"Look you told me you are still in love with her. I will not play three in my marriage. I do not trust you even if we move away right now and need to do what's best for me. You will move out and I will go see an attorney the first of next week. I will make you pay every penny of child support. I will not argue about this. You have 24 hours to make your decision and get your head out of your ass or you have lost me forever. There are no further discussions."
Then walk away...no crying, no pleading, no begging. Be in control of the conversation. Like you are scolding a 7th grader for not cleaning his room. Anything less then he will lose his respect further for you. Once the respect is gone, you've lost him and become plan B, which in his mind you are right now. He HAS to know you are serious. And if he doesn't come around you HAVE to follow up on your threats. This is difficult and I wish I had done this. Listen to us whom have lived it and learned from our mistakes. You cannot nice him back to the marriage...it doesn't work.
He went to get his space, not from you but so he could still see her. You do know that don't you?
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 6:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
What would I do if I were you?
Tell him that you have thought about this. Tell him you aren't happy with things right now, for obvious reasons, and that you have decided that some changes must be made in your life. And then say "I've decided that I will not be an option for my husband, ever. If that husband is you or someone else in the future, then it is, but I absolutely will not be an option. You have already destroyed the foundation that I've built my life on. Now, as if you haven't been selfish enough, you need to decide who it is you want. Well, I would like to remain married to you and give you the opportunity to help heal this marriage. If you aren't sure that is what you want, then I will not be an option. I am removing myself from this. If you change your mind and want to try to save your marriage and your relationship with me, then you must be commit 100%. Until you are, I will not spend one more minute focusing on 'us' because I want not part of an 'us' that includes 3 people. If you cannot say, after all that we have together, that you aren't committed, then I am done. I will move forward and begin preparing for divorce.
I will not spend time working on a marriage to a man that believes he is in love with someone else. I do not see OW as anything lovable, as she willingly breaks up families and thinks only of herself and her happiness. If you find that quality in someone lovable, then perhaps she is the woman for you after all.
If you move forward with OW, in any way, then the door to come back is closed, forever. I will not have in my life anyone that leaves it, has their version of 'fun', and thinks I will be here when it's over. I have more respect for myself than that, and you should too.
That is all I have to say. This is what I will accept. If you think I deserve less,than you aren't the man I thought you were, and I'm not interested in moving forward with you. If you realize that this marriage is what you want, that I am what you want, then we can discuss the possibility that it isn't too late. I won't know if it is or not until that time comes, and I won't spend time waiting for a day that may never come.
The ball is in your court. You come to me and tell me what you want, clearly, and that you are 100% positive this is what you want, and we will discuss the matter then. If you don't come to me with this realization, that is fine, because beginning now, I consider us headed for divorce, and will move in that direction until we are divorced. This will be my last discussion on this unless you initiate the discussion. I will not partake in discussions that involve you still wondering about your feelings for OW. I will not partake in discussions that involve your uncertainty about your feelings for me.
These are my final words on this matter. Good bye.
And then, don't call. Don't text. Don't email. Don't do anything that resembles reaching out unless it pertains to something completely outside of the relationship (kids, house items, etc).
Please, don't wait to be picked by your own husband. You're worth more than this. Don't accept being a part of your H's twisted idea of what a marriage is. You either are his wife or you're not.
He said once we move away the feelings should go away.
Do exactly as SeanFLA and painful says. Find the strength inside of you to do it. It's the best chance to save your marriage.
It's incredibly difficult (the worst thing I'll ever go through in my life)... but when I read about false R on this site, I'm so glad that I did it. I'm healing so much faster and he didn't waste any more of my life with his bad character and indecision.
A change in geography should not be able to change whether or not a person LOVES another.
That's just stupid!
If my husband dared to say such a thing to me..."that he still loved OW":
He'd find his crap in the yard in garbage bags, and I'd find MYSELF sitting in an attorney's office FILING FOR A DIVORCE immediately
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Here's the problem. In a marriage, you don't get to fall in love with another person. You don't get to sleep with them. You take an oath to forsake all others. We all know that. Some people, like your H and my xWW, think they're extra special. They get a chance to play by different rules, even if for awhile. But, they're wrong. When it is discovered that they are not playing by the rules, all hell breaks loose. They are trapped in a situation of being "in love" with two people. Now what?
Well, IMO, you can't ultimatum the love out of someone. If your H loves an OW, hey, maybe he loves her. So, what to do?
If your H is extremely remorseful, he might be lucky for you to give him another chance. Over time, and living in another area, his love for you could strengthen, and with hard work your H can possibly graduate from emotional Kindergarten and realize that even if he has some feelings for this OW or any other woman, marriage means being true to one other. ONE.
If your H is not extremely remorseful, well that's an entirely different story. That story ends less well.
There is no way he is even remotely prepared to work on the marriage.
The conversations had been going back and forth with me telling him that our marriage would not get better separated and that he really needed to be a part of parenting his three children. He kept saying "I think I might love her." "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." and "I think I should move to my next duty station alone and you guys stay there." I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And then one evening, I decided I was done. I made plans with my kids the next morning to go to the beach. Right before we left, he called.
I said "It's not fair for you to expect me to wait around while you decide what you want so I've decided what I'm doing. I'm moving on with my life as if you aren't going to be a part of it. I won't shed another tear over this or allow this devastation to affect my parenting anymore. As of today, I am planning for you to move without us and I am letting go of you."
He said "I thought about it last night (yeah right) and I'm coming home. You're right, we can't work on the marriage with me living one place and you living another."
I said "Don't you even think about saying that to me and then going back to not being sure. You are either coming home or your not. If you change your mind again, I'm done with you for good."
He said "I won't change my mind."
He didn't. He came home and we all moved together. Unfortunately, we didn't really figure out the reasons for the affair until after the second one but that's a whole other story.
Sometimes, you just have to let them go for your own sanity and trust that you'll be okay either way.
Many times the only way to save the marriage is to show him that you're willing to end the marriage.
On Dday I told my WH that if he did not like life with me he could get the f*^k out. Period. I repeated that phrase a number of times over the course of the first 2 years. The important part is... I meant it and he knew it. I would witness the panic in his eyes each time he listened to me say it and he would quickly reply that he did not want to leave.
3+ years out in successful R...Why? Because my WH wanted it more than I did.
1) You want to work things out and remain M
2) Your WH stated he is "still in love with OW"
I would not let him move out and stay with a friend. I would tell him that you have changed your mind and he can:
1) Move back home and work on the M.
2)You will be seeking legal counsel in your quest for a D.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
You are ultimately going to have to decide whether there is a R to fight for and whether you really want to fight for it. The initial feelings of betrayal, hurt, and devastation made me cling to him in the hopes that he would return to our R, which was not productive, helpful, and probably pushed him further away.
Take everything one day at a time. Question everything he says. Don't take whatever bullsh#$ that he is feeding you just because it makes you feel better at that moment.
Hang in there.
"I've decided that I will not be an option for my husband, ever. If that husband is you or someone else in the future, then it is, but I absolutely will not be an option. You have already destroyed the foundation that I've built my life on. Now, as if you haven't been selfish enough, you need to decide who it is you want.
I went this route on Dday. My willingness to end the M, saved me, and it saved the M as a byproduct of that.
You are second to none in your own M....and don't allow him to think otherwise.
If he wants to put you second or third (by even viewing the marital interloper as an option) say no! No time, no fence sitting, nothing. He is either in or out, and you shouldn't have to "wait to be chosen" because he was unable to fulfill his original commitment to you.
Now that you know, what he and she have known...YOU have the choice!
[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 7:17 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]
Either way, I know it still hurts that he thinks he is. So sorry. Because I know that you are thinking if he thinks he loves her, than he doesn't love me. And you certainetly don't want him to be forced to fall "out of love" with her by causing distance. Do Not do this, or you will always wonder if he saw her again...would he be "in love" with her again. He needs to fall "out of love" with the attention first. He needs to choose you, not be forced to avert his eyes and hopefully forget.
The truth is: he doesn't love you right now. Whether it is the Noun or the Verb. He is not feeling that way for you. That shit hurts. So so sorry.
It is going to take a long time to work through that. Because after all...that is just proof that you are not what you want to be most of all. Loved and cherished.
I just wish I wasn't there to witness his "torment" or "drug withdrawal".
Because they are being emotional dumbasses, they are going to come across as being more tormented for losing the attention than for losing their family or marriage. They are also going to come across that they care more about the AP than you in an empathetic nature.
He is still taking you for granted and feeling safe with you. You need to shock him into reality.