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She means well, but....

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Neveragain1221 posted 3/8/2014 15:03 PM

My mother keeps trying to make everything a "points game" between me and my BS. I know she means well, and I need to talk to her about what's going on, but she sometimes actively encourages me to break my boundaries. There is a friend BS and I agreed to not see anymore, and whenever I call my mother to vent or talk, she says things like "Well, maybe you can go out and get some coffee with Friend. Just don't tell BS and it'll be fine."

Lies like that is what wrecked everything in the first place. I can't believe she doesn't understand that, and I can't believe that, after the first time I angrily and firmly told her I would never do something like that, she keeps suggesting it. Now I'm torn between talking to her for advice (she's been cheated on/divorced before) and avoiding her because of her insistance that I "even the score" when my BS hurts me.

There is no score. Yes, some things BS does hurt me. But I also hurt him. Has anyone else dealt with this, and how do you handle it?

[This message edited by Neveragain1221 at 3:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

PrideFallen posted 3/8/2014 15:20 PM

Unfortunately, it sounds like your mom is not a "friend of the marriage" right now. Could you get her to read "Not Just Friends"? It might help her understand what you and BS are trying to do with boundaries.

I'm not at all suggesting that you cut your mother out of your life, but is there a "friend of the marriage" that can be your go-to person for venting and talk about your marriage?

authenticnow posted 3/8/2014 20:15 PM

I would suggest that you don't vent about your H or marriage to your mother. She clearly doesn't get it and I believe that what's between you and your H is private and should not be discussed with family members, or friends for that matter.

Come here, or talk to an IC.

solus sto posted 3/9/2014 12:37 PM

You say "she means well, but..."

I'd consider that, perhaps, she doesn't mean well.

I agree that it's time to stop sharing certain things with her.

JanaGreen posted 3/11/2014 07:36 AM

I think it's best policy NOT to talk to parents/siblings about marital issues. At ALL.

Prayingforhope posted 3/11/2014 07:49 AM

I can only agree with the advice here as I have also had to maintain much stricter boundaries with my mom as a result of the fallout of my A. She wants this to be anyone else's fault but mine, she wants to somehow make this about her pain and suffering, she wants to frolic in the gossip of a good affair, etc. you name it, she has done it and will continue to do it.

I can't control her but I can establish a cautious and protected relationship with her, which I have done.

Good luck as this is NOT easy. As the old adage goes, you can chose your friends, but your family...they're here to stay.

Neveragain1221 posted 3/11/2014 08:22 AM

Thanks everyone. I am going to tone down everything I talk about with my mom. It's going to be hard, because other than her I really have no one to turn to to talk. Most of my close friends are all biased, telling me to just let H go and find someone new. They've all been telling me that I was "way out of his league" since they learned of the A. All of them try to say I'm not at fault, and that H should just "get over it", and that he's abusing me by tracking my phone and reading my messages/emails/etc. So I can't talk to them either, because they're not supportive of our M.

I guess I'll just keep posting here, and talking only to the MC.

authenticnow posted 3/11/2014 08:58 AM

It sounds like you are surrounding yourself with non friends of the marriage. After an A there has to be a lot of 'housekeeping' regarding pre-A relationships.

We have a rule that anyone who is not a friend of the marriage is not a friend, period.

Sammy2013 posted 3/11/2014 09:08 AM

BS here but I can relate with the Mother thing. I finally told my mother WH and I are separated. Didn't tell her why (She would do a keep score thing and tell me I should "date" to give WH a taste of his own medicine) but she knew something was up so I finally told her. Unfortunately now I remember why I didn't confide in her to begin with.

For example, she asked me how things were after seeing Facebook pics from the weekend that were us at church and then the zoo as a family. Said "you look happy, how is it going?" I said things were going good that day and I was happy. She immediately had to dampen it and say "well, you know there will be ups and downs. This was an up so prepare yourself for the down". I don't find that constructive at all. I think I know we are on a roller coaster and I am trying to enjoy the good. Ugh.

So I have limited talking to her about my marriage. As a woman that can be hard, I know. It's your mom. But I don't consider my mom a friend of the marriage right now. I won't cut her from my life, but I can't talk to her on marriage issues.

So that was a long way for me to tell you I empathize on you with having a mother who is making this all that much harder.


Neveragain1221 posted 3/11/2014 10:29 AM

We have the same rule Authentic. I haven't talked to a lot of people I called friends since the A came to light. BH posted about it on Facebook, and I got a slew of messages from "friends" telling me that I wasn't to blame, and that they always thought BH was possessive and controlling. That was news to me, because prior to that many of them talked about how they all wished they had guys just like BH. I also got a slew of messages from guys I knew, hinting that if I ever "needed help" I could always come to them. Yeah, like that's not a thinly veiled attempt to get in my pants.

I have cut many, many friends out of my life because of this. Looking back, I realize a lot of them weren't very good friends to have. There are a few of them I'd still like to see again, but I won't. They aren't friends of the relationship.

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