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Newest Member: Myloh (61085)

User Topic: Brand new here, but it has been 10 months.
♀ 42710
Member # 42710
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught my husband having an affair. It was emotional, but only because of the geography. He would have slept with her had she been local.

He swears he loves me. He swears he was stupid and lost. I. Don't. Care. We'd been together for 20 years, married for 13, have 6 year old twins.

I am getting angrier by the day. I have lost 50 pounds, can't sleep, and have severe shoulder pain because of the stress. I want to have an affair just to escape the pain, even though that isn't like me. If someone had told me 10 months ago, I would even be considering this, I would have scoffed.

I am a wreckage of my former self. I no longer wear my wedding rings because they are a symbol of a broken promise. I am now a cynic, where I used to be a romantic. I no longer believe in marriage, where I used to consider becoming a wedding planner. I no longer believe in soul mates.

Marriage counseling didn't work. She couldn't give me the tools to get past this. I don't want to hurt my children, but I am no longer the person I was. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want to talk. I want him to go away and let me curl up into a ball. BUT IT HAS BEEN 10 MONTHS! I am also drinking too much. I can't do that with my children. They are my life. I will do almost anything for them, but I can't get over how much this hurts.

I will 'suck it up and deal' for them, and only them. But when will this hurt go away?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I understand.

It's a lot like dealing with the grief over losing a close family member. The pain intense, in the beginning, but lessens with time. The average time frame for healing is 2-5 years.

You need to see a Dr. and get your blood pressure checked especially with the shoulder pain! They may also be able to help you with the anxiety.

I went anorexic and the Dr. put me on Paxil, so I'd be able to eat. Not being able to eat was making me very sick. My blood pressure was through the roof, too, so I went on meds for that.

I took off my rings seven years ago and they have stayed off. We ended up selling them because the sight of them enraged me.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. This is the best place you never wanted to be. Lots of compassionate, understanding people here.

Posts: 12215 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 25376
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like the marriage counselor didn't have the right tools to give you.

Please see your medical doctor and also find a good individual counselor to work with, and at some point a different marriage counselor.

Your children need you. Please take care of yourself.

You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.

Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She couldn't give me the tools to get past this.

It's ok (((hecheatedonme))) - you are going to get through this.
Re-framing it that way my help your heart.
Anger is one of the phases of healing that you go through too, what you're feeling is normal, especially 'round these parts
yes, get to a Dr. for some help and don't be ashamed. Lay it all out. They've heard it all and will help.

Posts: 7268 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 42000
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey I don't think the hurt ever does go away,I think in time it lessens and we learn to cope with it.
I also found out about 10 months ago about an EA with someone we employed which had been going on for 12 months. PA denied and despite much digging I can find no proof that it was but think that was because she didn't want it cos from texts I read, he sure did.
You don't say how much help if any you are getting from your husband . Maybe that is causing you even more hurt and pain and preventing you from starting to heal.
You can't reconcile on your own, if you can't talk to him easily, try writing down how you feel and what you need.
There are many here who are much further down the line and they will all tell you it can take 2 years + . Please stay strong but ultimately you have to do what is right for you


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
♀ 42000
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a post script
Please don't have an affair to balance the scales, I can't believe it will make you feel any better, it will make reconciliation harder, and maybe cause pain to a third party.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Gemstone. You have children to think of.

Get yourself into IC and if that one can't help you, you see another one, and another one, and so on until you are able to think clearly and make choices that will not haunt you for the rest of your life.

There is no way YOU having an affair NOW makes the situation any better, RAs only makes it worse. Sucking it up and dealing is what is keeping you in a bad place. That's not how you handle this or any other major trauma in life.

These kids need a mom. They are not old enough to fend for themselves. You can't be an emotional guide for them if you are quitting therapy, drinking, and planning to throw another bomb into the mix via an RA.

You need to get some help. The kids need you to get some help. We all understand the pain you are in. You've got to fight to get in a better place mentally for these kids. I'm very concerned about you.

If your child was sick and the first doctor couldn't help you, you'd see another and so on until you found an answer. Your children are sick right now. They have a mother who has gone through a very traumatic thing and she's having a hard time making good choices for herself and her kids. You are no good to them if you are making things worse because of your pain. If you can't fight for yourself, fight for them. They need a healthy mom, they need you.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 7:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

DD-March 2010

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is proof on here that people get through this terrible time in their lives. Some with their marriage intact, some not. Most get through with their dignity intact and a new stronger sense of themselves. Please know this: You will get through this. Maybe not "over" it but you will get through it.

Do you have a support system? My brother and father and a few very close friends were mine. I could not have made it through without them. It's my hope that you have a selective group of friends and family members that you will allow to help you.

Yoga helped me SO MUCH with anxiety. I can't emphasize this enough. 2-3x/week. You will probably feel a real sense of inner peace after about a month.

Also learning and practicing the deep breathing techniques to get you through times when you feel the anxiety.

Stop drinking.Now. It doesn't help. It just makes things worse. Have you been to individual counseling? Is your WH in individual counseling.

Have you considered antidepressants? You might want to talk with your GP or Internist about a small dose to start out with. It really sounds like you are depressed (with good reason). It's worth a try to see if living better through chemicals will help. I was very resistant to it but I am so glad I did go on them after a good friend of mine who suffers from chronic depression urged me to try something.

Reading helped me too. The books I found most helpful were:

NOT "Just Friends"
After the Affair
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

No one is perfect. I have come to realize that even though I did not have an affair and am not responsible for the affair, there are things in my relationship that I am responsible for that lead to the affair taking place. This doesn't excuse my husband. Rather it helps me understand myself better and lets me understand what happened. None of us can accept something unless we understand it.

Good luck…keep coming back and reading and letting us know how you are doing. You will find a lot of wise souls here.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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