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Newest Member: YoungNInLove (61865)

User Topic: Social with WHs friends and I hate it
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else experience an extreme downgrade in opinion of your WH's friends after the A came to light? HOw are you addressing?

Recently we attended a party thrown by SAWH's "friend." It was fine, there were about 4 of my SAWH's friends there. Two that I like (interestingly enough they did not know about the affair while it was going on) and two that I am not so keen on (they knew about and participated in the affair while it was going on). Host of party falls into latter category. He also lied about his level of involvement when I called him out on it. Obviously, he is not responsible for my husband's choices - and I said that to him - but I also said that he must not really be a friend because no friend would encourage his friend to do that. It taints my opinion of him and anyone else who knew what was going on. I am a person who can't fake it - I usually can't just pretend I don't like someone. I'm not uncivilized about it, but I am not going to hang out with you unless I am forced to. I am certainly not going to go out of my way to make plans with you.

This particular guy is a friend who is one of the last single guys in my husband's circle of bachelor friends he hung out with in his single days. One by one all of these guys have married or coupled off except for one. It's interesting to me that the one who hasn't coupled off has a lot of money so he's a bit of a ringleader in getting all of the guys together. Personally, I think this guy has some deep issues - there's a rumor of him being molested as a kid. He's the youngest in a HUGE family so maybe he did not get enough attention or has some attachment issues. He's also one of those Jekyll Hyde people - shows one face and has a completely different face for other times. There's definitely a maturity issue. I think he is very insecure on the inside about his looks and other issues. When he drinks he gets very in my face about "oh you don't like me you never invite me anywhere." That kind of thing. Annoying.

In the 15+ years that I have know this guy, his romantic life has been a revolving door. I don't even bother to memorize the girls names anymore. I have never once said anything negative to any them about him - and believe me there is a lot of material I can draw upon. Never said - you can do better, he's cheating on you, whatever. Not my place to do that. Always tried to be respectful to him. Well, since finding out about the A and his role in it, I have even less respect for him. I feel like I don't owe him anything. He obviously has no respect for me.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 42110
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry for what you have been going through. If you are not comfortable spending time with your husband's friends who knew about the A, you have the right not to spend time with them. You can either choose to tell them why or not but you are not obligated to continue "friendships" that are toxic. Your husband should understand your feelings in this and should support you.

Me -BW
Him - WH
Dday 7/11/2013
DS - 12 and DD - 16

Posts: 334 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry. Your husband needs to choose his marriage or these friends.

After an affair one of the most important rules is friends of the marriage only.

Bachelor behaving friendships end......

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Can I ask:
Why do you continue socializing with these people who knew about your WH's affair while the affair was ongoing, since you hate it?

You do have "the right" to refuse to have anything to do with these people.
Simple don't participate in any type of socialization with them.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
♀ 42637
Member # 42637
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with others. In one of the books I read (I believe it was "Not Just Friends" but not sure) it is stated that you should get rid of all friends that are not friends of the marriage. If they condoned the A then they are not friends of the marriage. I understand how hard of a situation this is. I too, originally felt uncomfortable even bringing up the subject of certain friends. I was surprised when upon making a mention of it, my WH immediately deleted certain friends because I felt uncomfortable. The point is, it is a hard situation to bring up because as caring humans, we don't want to take friends away from our spouses. However, the reality is, is that your marriage is more important than those friendships. Good luck!

Living and learning how to move forward
Me: BGf
Him: WBf
Dday: 02/2013

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is my opinion that true friends are supportive of your marriage and relationships.

If any of my H's friends had known about his behavior and not told me- there would have to be a pretty specific individual circumstance reason that I would accept for that person not saying something to me and letting me know I was being lied to.

Someone who is not supportive of my marriage and is actively dishonest with me is NOT a friend, and is a participant in being destructive. I would not choose to be around such a person, and I would have a big problem with my husband continuing to choose to be around someone like that. To me, continuing to hang around those who supported the A, is not showing a change in behavior. To me, it shows the same patterns of behavior.

Again, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but that's just my opinion.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keeping those friends, keeping ANY contact with them whatsoever, would be a dealbreaker for me. He should choose you over people who were complicit in deceiving you.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 39265
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with all of the above advice!
These types of personalities tend to run in packs from my own personal experience. If a ws is not willing to see this as damaging, they are refusing to change.

I hope you find the strength to set your boundaries as these folks need no windows into YOUR relationship....period!

4 DD's
DD April 2012 with a 'friend' of mine!
DD2 March 2014 prostitute! Unsure how many, told there was 1.......
Consistent porn
Done! 21.4.2015 took a while for it to sink in that this boy will never grow/up. Self absorbed POS!

Posts: 55 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx for the replies and support. This is WILL be brought up at next MC appointment. Along with Bachelor Party/Stripclub Discussion Part 3. IMO they are all intertwined. Had kind of a rough weekend because of Friday night and last MC discussion. I am really numb and anxiety ridden over it.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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