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Social with WHs friends and I hate it

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womaninflux posted 3/8/2014 16:26 PM

Anyone else experience an extreme downgrade in opinion of your WH's friends after the A came to light? HOw are you addressing?

Recently we attended a party thrown by SAWH's "friend." It was fine, there were about 4 of my SAWH's friends there. Two that I like (interestingly enough they did not know about the affair while it was going on) and two that I am not so keen on (they knew about and participated in the affair while it was going on). Host of party falls into latter category. He also lied about his level of involvement when I called him out on it. Obviously, he is not responsible for my husband's choices - and I said that to him - but I also said that he must not really be a friend because no friend would encourage his friend to do that. It taints my opinion of him and anyone else who knew what was going on. I am a person who can't fake it - I usually can't just pretend I don't like someone. I'm not uncivilized about it, but I am not going to hang out with you unless I am forced to. I am certainly not going to go out of my way to make plans with you.

This particular guy is a friend who is one of the last single guys in my husband's circle of bachelor friends he hung out with in his single days. One by one all of these guys have married or coupled off except for one. It's interesting to me that the one who hasn't coupled off has a lot of money so he's a bit of a ringleader in getting all of the guys together. Personally, I think this guy has some deep issues - there's a rumor of him being molested as a kid. He's the youngest in a HUGE family so maybe he did not get enough attention or has some attachment issues. He's also one of those Jekyll Hyde people - shows one face and has a completely different face for other times. There's definitely a maturity issue. I think he is very insecure on the inside about his looks and other issues. When he drinks he gets very in my face about "oh you don't like me you never invite me anywhere." That kind of thing. Annoying.

In the 15+ years that I have know this guy, his romantic life has been a revolving door. I don't even bother to memorize the girls names anymore. I have never once said anything negative to any them about him - and believe me there is a lot of material I can draw upon. Never said - you can do better, he's cheating on you, whatever. Not my place to do that. Always tried to be respectful to him. Well, since finding out about the A and his role in it, I have even less respect for him. I feel like I don't owe him anything. He obviously has no respect for me.

Ivyivy posted 3/8/2014 16:57 PM

I am sorry for what you have been going through. If you are not comfortable spending time with your husband's friends who knew about the A, you have the right not to spend time with them. You can either choose to tell them why or not but you are not obligated to continue "friendships" that are toxic. Your husband should understand your feelings in this and should support you.

karmahappens posted 3/8/2014 17:21 PM

I am sorry. Your husband needs to choose his marriage or these friends.

After an affair one of the most important rules is friends of the marriage only.

Bachelor behaving friendships end......

Dare2Trust posted 3/8/2014 19:09 PM


Can I ask:
Why do you continue socializing with these people who knew about your WH's affair while the affair was ongoing, since you hate it?

You do have "the right" to refuse to have anything to do with these people.
Simple don't participate in any type of socialization with them.

LivingLearning posted 3/8/2014 20:47 PM

I agree with others. In one of the books I read (I believe it was "Not Just Friends" but not sure) it is stated that you should get rid of all friends that are not friends of the marriage. If they condoned the A then they are not friends of the marriage. I understand how hard of a situation this is. I too, originally felt uncomfortable even bringing up the subject of certain friends. I was surprised when upon making a mention of it, my WH immediately deleted certain friends because I felt uncomfortable. The point is, it is a hard situation to bring up because as caring humans, we don't want to take friends away from our spouses. However, the reality is, is that your marriage is more important than those friendships. Good luck!

BeyondBreaking posted 3/9/2014 16:11 PM

It is my opinion that true friends are supportive of your marriage and relationships.

If any of my H's friends had known about his behavior and not told me- there would have to be a pretty specific individual circumstance reason that I would accept for that person not saying something to me and letting me know I was being lied to.

Someone who is not supportive of my marriage and is actively dishonest with me is NOT a friend, and is a participant in being destructive. I would not choose to be around such a person, and I would have a big problem with my husband continuing to choose to be around someone like that. To me, continuing to hang around those who supported the A, is not showing a change in behavior. To me, it shows the same patterns of behavior.

Again, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but that's just my opinion.

Nature_Girl posted 3/9/2014 16:49 PM

Keeping those friends, keeping ANY contact with them whatsoever, would be a dealbreaker for me. He should choose you over people who were complicit in deceiving you.

Aussiescot posted 3/9/2014 17:42 PM

Agree with all of the above advice!
These types of personalities tend to run in packs from my own personal experience. If a ws is not willing to see this as damaging, they are refusing to change.

I hope you find the strength to set your boundaries as these folks need no windows into YOUR relationship....period!

womaninflux posted 3/9/2014 18:10 PM

Thx for the replies and support. This is WILL be brought up at next MC appointment. Along with Bachelor Party/Stripclub Discussion Part 3. IMO they are all intertwined. Had kind of a rough weekend because of Friday night and last MC discussion. I am really numb and anxiety ridden over it.

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