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i think im turning into a recluse.

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Alyssamd24 posted 3/8/2014 19:11 PM

It has been a week since BH has started his new work schedule, and I am hoping that as time goes on and we all adjust it will become easier for BH and I. Today before he left I was in tears and getting comforted by my 4 year old DD, who got to family pictures off our refrigerator and gave them to me...explaining to me that I can look at them whenever I miss Daddy and feel sad.

I keep thinking how last year at this time I could have been with my BH, but wasn't cuz I was so stupid and selfish and wrapped up in my own delusional thoughts and feelings. I feel like I wasted so much of our time together, and now it makes it even harder cuz I want to be with him but can't because he is at work.

I know I should be doing things to keep myself busy and distracted while he is at work, but I can't bring myself to do it..even the simplest things like running to the grocery store with DD are overwhelming and I don't like to do it. And then that makes me feel like my DD is losing out, that she should have a mommy who goes out with her on the weekends and does fun things, not one who hides in the house.

I feel sad and depressed and lonely. I miss my BH and wish he were home with me.

And another thing is how much do I tell him and let him know how sad I am? I had told him that I was sad last night, and he saw me crying this morning...So he knows how I feel, but I don't want to make him feel bad or guilty that he has to work. We knew these hours could possibly happen, and said we would deal with it and make it work. I don't want him to feel bad about it. I understand its something we agreed to do and it is something we cannot control.

Unagie posted 3/8/2014 19:29 PM

Alyssa I have been there. I still am often. I was active, rarely was home. I work a crazy work schedule and liked to have fun. I barely go out anymore, the things that once inspired happiness inspire rejection and pulling away now. I was a lot worse a few months ago but have slowly been clawing my way out. You can't run away from living life for yourself and especially for your daughter. You have to learn to live again. You can do this.

bookjunkie posted 3/9/2014 05:40 AM

Alyssa, I so get what you are saying. My H started a new job 8 months ago with longer hours and no set days off. I work M-F and there are many weekends that he has to work. Weekends used to be our time to focus on each other and reconnect. And many times I would be in tears as I saw him off. I would mope around the house, see laundry and cleaning that need to be done and just could not get myself moving.

I would sometimes get my BBF to come over and help me get moving. Also my kids are older and insisted that we go to town. And when we go, I try to take them to the library or a store they would like. Once I was actually out the door and gone, I would start to feel better. The first step is to take a step.

I understand your lonliness and sadness. Definitely talk to your H about it. Just because you both knew these hours were a possiblity doesn't mean you have to hide your feelings. Maybe your H can give you something to do that would be just for him while he's at work? Are you on ADs? They can help too.

Keep your chin up Alyssa. I always read your posts and find you inspiring. You CAN do this!

Alyssamd24 posted 3/9/2014 10:34 AM

Thank you both for your kind words. I am going to try to make an effort to do things with DD when we are home on the weekends so we aren't stuck in the house.

This afternoon my parents are going to watch her so i can get an oil change but then we will stay at their house for dinner....small steps but at least its something.

This has been an ongoing issue for me since after dday and I know it isnt healthy....some days I would rather stay in bed rather than be out in the real world.

I am on effexor already....not for depression but for narcolepsy. My neurologist has increased the dose once since dday ....I hate that I may need to ask her to do it again, dont know if I really even do.

mrs7 posted 3/9/2014 10:54 AM

Alyssa I am there too. I hardly go anywhere besides work, and the grocery store if I absolutely have to. I miss my BH if I'm not at home, even though things have been so stressful lately because of talks about the A - either that or our horrible financial situation. However, home still feels safe to me. At least I can cry as much as I need to there. I so hear you about wanting to just stay in bed all day. But we have to quit the avoiding and escaping behaviors and get out there and participate in life, my friend.

I hope you had an enjoyable time w/ your parents. Things will get better - you will adjust to your H's new work schedule before long.

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