It has been a week since BH has started his new work schedule, and I am hoping that as time goes on and we all adjust it will become easier for BH and I. Today before he left I was in tears and getting comforted by my 4 year old DD, who got to family pictures off our refrigerator and gave them to me...explaining to me that I can look at them whenever I miss Daddy and feel sad.
I keep thinking how last year at this time I could have been with my BH, but wasn't cuz I was so stupid and selfish and wrapped up in my own delusional thoughts and feelings. I feel like I wasted so much of our time together, and now it makes it even harder cuz I want to be with him but can't because he is at work.
I know I should be doing things to keep myself busy and distracted while he is at work, but I can't bring myself to do it..even the simplest things like running to the grocery store with DD are overwhelming and I don't like to do it. And then that makes me feel like my DD is losing out, that she should have a mommy who goes out with her on the weekends and does fun things, not one who hides in the house.
I feel sad and depressed and lonely. I miss my BH and wish he were home with me.
And another thing is how much do I tell him and let him know how sad I am? I had told him that I was sad last night, and he saw me crying this morning...So he knows how I feel, but I don't want to make him feel bad or guilty that he has to work. We knew these hours could possibly happen, and said we would deal with it and make it work. I don't want him to feel bad about it. I understand its something we agreed to do and it is something we cannot control.