(((LivingLearning)))
I read your post last night before heading to bed and while my first thought was to write a rebuttal right there and then, I ultimately decided that it would be unwise to do so without a period of calming between my initial reaction and my written reply. In truth, I’m still not calm. I’m seething inside, just totally shocked, dismayed and angry that I could be reading such a message in the R forum. It flabbergasts me.
LivingLearning - I was originally told not to tell WS about this site until I was absolutely sure we were in reconciliation. I worry that they would see ideas for questions, etc on here. I hold back certain posts because I don't want other WS to read and think, "I should protect that or make sure my H/W doesn't see that." Thoughts?
I can only pray that it was not a current or past member of SI that gave you that shitty advice! I don’t often read JFO/General as they are very disturbing for a FWS to read but if I was aware that this advice was being offered, I would be furious. I think you need to go to the Welcome page and read the message once more.
SurvivingInfidelity is your safe place to come and share your pain and feeling of isolation upon discovery of betrayal. All are welcome here, even the betraying partner (WS), provided they are remorseful and committed to healing. - Quoted from the Hello to SI message.
In part, SI was created to give the WS a safe place to post. Hell, half of our administrators, moderators and guides are Waywards. I had checked out a few other sites that deal with infidelity but this was the only one where I felt I had a safe and supportive environment, where I could be open and honest with my thoughts, fears and needs. The WS bashing on other sites is unreal and I can say from my own experience that when you get yourself ripped apart by a gaggle of angry, bitter and hateful BS’s, there is no healing happening. SI and its WS forum is the single best site that provides support in healing for the WS.
If you simply waited until you were absolutely sure you were in reconciliation, then your WS may have been denied the very support and advice and help that would get him to embrace R in the proper manner. SI has a proven track record in helping the foggy and un-remorseful WS find themselves. And when and how do you decide that your absolutely sure that R is working? How is your WS going to develop the skills and abilities to heal themselves or you if your fears have prevented him from finding the best online forum there is for the WS? If you’re here finding support and healing, then your WS can find it here too.
If your H reads this post, how can it be anything but helpful? http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
bigdog - WS here, best damn post I have ever read. My BS emailed me and told me about it, I printed it off yesterday and took it home last night. I have read it 3 or 4 times now, we both found there are things in the post that we have already been doing but there is more there for me. This is great, I hope every WS opens their eyes and reads this, it will help.
Yes, no one denies that sharing SI poses some challenges but they can be dealt with by establish rules and guidelines about cross-posting. Lots of couples here share SI. My wife and I do, BaxtersBFF and his wife do and the list goes on. I can not emphasis strongly enough that not letting your WS share this site because of your “what if” worries and fears is creating far more damage to your marriage than coming on here would.
If your husband isn’t committed to R, if he wants to gaslight you, if he has taken the A undercover, well all of those things will happen regardless of him being a member here or not. In actual fact, if you read the WS forum, which I encourage you to, then you will see the WS community is harsh and remorseless in how it deals with the WS who is not committed to R or who is not taking responsibility for the affair.
LivingLearning - He also deals with depression and a lot of shame about his A, which he should! Nonetheless, I thought the WS forum would help, as there seem to be some people really working on changing on there. He did come on here and read the WS forum but said he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to feel better. He wants to forever remember the pain of doing what he did and make sure he never hurts me in that way again. I wasn't sure how to respond to that.
If this is truly the case, then as BtraydWife said, he is likely trapped in the shame spiral. You should get him to buy and read the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. An excerpt of his e-book can be found at http://www.creativegrowth.com/bradshaw_shame%201.pdf
I know the shame spiral well, I was trapped in it myself for quite the while and in fact, still find myself staring it in the face even now, but ongoing shame and guilt is not healthy. Not in the least. Seeking professional help to get beyond this would be one of the greatest gifts he could give himself.
Being stuck in shame and regret is not the best path to follow if he really wants to never hurt you again. Learning acceptance, finding remorse and self-forgiveness is the only sure fired way to accomplish that. As long as he holds onto the broken WS image, then he will not be able to find the goodness inside of him. He has to learn that if forgetfulness does not imply forgiveness, then guilt and shame does not imply healing.
Let him join up. Encourage him to join. And then let him post his thoughts on this matter and I think that both you and him would be surprised and shocked at the support and help that the WS community would offer him. I would encourage you to try this.
BtraydWife - I agree with not sharing SI with a WS unless you are sure you are both committed to R. I didn't share the site with him but I printed stuff for us to read. He did use it to hurt me further.
(((BtraydWife))) I hope you come back to this thread and find this reply. I hope you would reconsider withholding SI from a foggy and un-remorseful WS. Yes, for everyone that may have been in the shoes of your un-remorseful H, I think that you will find the overwhelming majority of the WS forum have come to find support, advice and assistance in self-healing for themselves and their spouses.
For those very lucky few who find remorse on day one, SI is helpful but for those foggy and un-remorseful WS’s, SI can be the critical pivot point in finding themselves. I think if you read this post, you will really see the true spirit of the WS forum. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=525084
Getting your spouse here isn't a magic bullet. Sometimes, no matter how helpful the advice, no one wants to listen to it and if that is the case, SI won’t help, IC won’t help and MC won’t help. But for the WS who finds within themselves even a shred of remorse, guilt and shame, then SI is, in my opinion, the best place in the whole damn universe for them to come to.
HUFI
Just as a BS can wrap themselves in anger and bitterness, a WS can wrap themselves in guilt and shame. None of this is healthy – Unknown Poster
[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 10:03 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]