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I finally "got it" today

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Neveragain1221 posted 3/8/2014 20:41 PM

It all came crashing down at work today. The horror of what I did, the hell I'm putting my H through, how I destroyed him. I ripped everything that was good about him out and trampled on it. I took his trust, his loyalty, his joy, his life and treated it like trash. I am the lowest, most despicable person on the planet.

I collapsed in the bathroom sobbing. It took 30 minutes before I could stop crying and make my way back to the office. I've thrown up over and over. There's nothing left, but I can't stop heaving. Yet, all the misery I'm going through is only a fraction of what my H feels.

My H is the most wonderful, meaningful person I've ever met, and I abused him. He trusted and loved me, and I didn't cherish it. Instead I shit on it.

To make it worse, for the last two months I thought I had "gotten it." I was sorry for what I did, and I was trying to be better. But I hadn't. Instead, I tried to rush my BS into R. I tried to force him to pity me and feel sorry for how sad I was, and I neglected to notice how much that was hurting him. I thought I was trying, but I was only sticking the knife deeper.

I hope to God he'll listen when I try to talk to him tonight. I pray it's not to late.

1bigidiot79 posted 3/8/2014 21:54 PM

Wow. I'm so glad for you. This post struck me because you took the words right out of my mouth. The thought of my BW loving me the way she did all those years and as you put it and I agree I shit all over it.

[This message edited by 1bigidiot79 at 10:43 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]

grains posted 3/8/2014 23:12 PM

I wish you strength and resilience through this most difficult time for you and your BS. Please seek an IC and an MC. Their support and guidance can be very valuable. You must learn to rely on yourself again. It is perhaps the only way you can be able to make amends and be a good partner to your BS. Be well.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/9/2014 04:23 AM

It sucks that you're hurting but this is a huge positive step, well done.

Hope the talk with BH went well. Sending strength.

HotMessInTX posted 3/9/2014 09:19 AM

Well said, I feel this exactly but struggle to express it. This is a tough realization to swallow but I believe necessary for true R.

Thinking about you

mrs7 posted 3/9/2014 11:18 AM

I'm right there with you Neveragain

I have had many instances of "realization" and it feels new each time, if that makes any sense. The enormity of it all hits me every once in awhile and I feel like I'm back at square one. I think it's important that the realization be there because it's crucial to develop empathy for our BS's. If we never realized how much pain we caused, how could we be truly remorseful?

I hope you and your BH had an awesome conversation. Please keep us updated.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 3/9/2014 12:17 PM

This is nice...I hope my fws "gets it" hes cried to me, told me hes sorry, told me the details but I KNOW he still doesnt get it. I hope one day he will....I know hes remorseful but still.

Mrs7 I think he's experiencing it like you...one day he seems sorry and will talk about it and bring it up himself other days he doesnt, and WONT talk about it.

Hes trying to rush to forget it, I just cant. I know I never truly will, but at this point I probably think about it at least 3 times an hour.

Thanks again for this!

Allornothing posted 3/10/2014 15:31 PM

(((Hugs)))

You will never know just how much it means to a BS when their WS "gets it". Now, let the healing begin. Good luck to you!

Shayna71 posted 3/11/2014 07:03 AM

I hope you told your BS about your revelation? THIS is the kind of thing we need to hear. Right after DDay my H would say he was sorry and go on and on about how awful he was, what a bad person he was, how he didn't deserve anything. This just made me feel like he was feeling sorry for HIMSELF and in a way was giving himself and excuse...like he "WAS" bad, inherently, so he couldn't help be "BE" bad. That is NOT what I wanted to hear.

To make it worse, for the last two months I thought I had "gotten it." I was sorry for what I did, and I was trying to be better. But I hadn't. Instead, I tried to rush my BS into R. I tried to force him to pity me and feel sorry for how sad I was, and I neglected to notice how much that was hurting him. I thought I was trying, but I was only sticking the knife deeper.


THIS is what I wanted to hear, and what your BS wants to hear, I'm sure. My H did get over the oh poor me thing quickly, and now at 5 months out, I do believe he really "GETS" it. It matters SO much to know that the WS understands, truly understands (or as close as they can, because NO ONE who hasn't been through this pain can truly understand it).

Good Luck to you

Neveragain1221 posted 3/11/2014 08:11 AM

I did tell my BS about what I was feeling. I have trouble articulating what I feel sometimes, so after work I sat down and typed up a long letter explaining everything, and I had him read it.

He said it affected him, and he's glad I'm finally feeling like that, but that was all he'd say.

I just hate what I did to him. He was so gentle and warm, and now, because of me, he's cold and distant. I can mope about how lonely and scared and miserable I am, but I know he's feeling ten thousand times worse. I want so badly to make it better. He's my best friend, my husband, the love of my life. Everything in me aches to comfort him, but right now my comfort isn't what he wants. So I have to just let him do what he needs. Even if it means leaving.

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