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Trying to accept and move on

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Giddy posted 3/9/2014 01:59 AM

I am finding it really difficult to accept my husbands abandonment and affair - He was caught out 31st July 13 when I was away for wrk he had in the prior few months started to get angry with me and mean towards me Started saying he was unhappy and didn't care about anything Anymore I thought he was going through depression or something because we had been having money problems with his business - somedays he would be ok others just horrible and very angry I thought we had the perfect family we have 3 beautiful kids that have been just married and 2 grand babies 3 months apart which my daughter wAs in hospital at the time he was . caught he didn't even want to talk about it he was so angry - he had just taken me away on a surprise river cruise for my5oth the March which was a surprise With the kids and family and the kids had also planned a surprise birthday party for me . Then there was Mother's Day and he gave me flowers and beautiful card etc - I had then been diagnosed with melanoma in the May also and went I went into to hospital to have it removed and he said your mum is worried about you so let her take u to the hospital - I cannot for the life of me work out his anger towards me - the only thing I cud notice in the Nov before 2012 he started a fight for no reason and took off fir hours on foot ignoring my phone calls and being nasty and the next day he sId u deserve more than me u are the main bread winner and made out he felt bad and said he didn't think we were compatible anymore . I had also noticed for a while he had been getting angry with other people including his anger towards his dad ??? Then April while we were away for my sons wedding he started on me obviously getting ready or she had been putting the pressure on him . We would have been 30years married in the dec and dating 2 yrs before that . He had everything and as a family we all went 4x4 driving camping did everything together so we all thought he was happy ?? He is. Very angry and blames me for loosing his car and having to sell it due to payment not being made I had told him I would pay. It then the whore put things all over face book where they were gong and what they were doing which is where we used to go as a family I had a fight with him about that and he didn't tell her to stop it was like he was too scared too . She doesn't do it know and has blocked us . So then I refused to pay it as I was taking from the house money he has left me with all debt and bills and not offered I cent he dosnt seem to care how I feel at all he said I said I'm sorry and told u I fell out of love but after 32 yrs together I want answers he said he only knew her a few months yeh right - and will not tell me the truth His kids will not have anything to do with him and he is also very angry about that I stupidly asked him to come home and work this out and he said he would then flatly refused the next day . He did meet up with the kids in the beginning and they told him he can't c them or the babies while is with her - she has been married three times and also had an affair around 21 yrs ago and had a baby to the family man of the affair and named it the same family name as him even though the family stayed together she has in total 5 kids 3 different fathers - which she didn't have any children to last marriage she is 5 yrs older than me and works in the kill room of a meet works company - I have a good paying high profile job with a bank - This doesn't make any sense at all - be was always so kind and everyone is in shock that he would do such a thing - He dosnt try to contact his kids at all saying they cannot tell him what to do - this is all so very sad - sorry about the rant but just can't seem to move on as I always am finding an excuse to talk to him and his always horrible and even more if he thinks the whore can here - I go crazy messaging him even when there is no reply cause its makes me angrier and thunk what right does he have to treat me this way after what he has done he shows her all my messages as she told me in a message which she also texted my girls which he must have given her their numbers - this is disgusting behavior - her text said if we didn't stop calling and names to my husband she would seek legal advise . He has been gone over 7 months now and there is no show of remorse has chosen her over his kids and grand kids can't believe this like he is brain washed as he was a good father I have tried everything from being nice to begging him to be with his kisa as he is missing out on the babies growing up he just saids the kids don't want him too . I am finding it. Rey hard to think of anything else. mY job will end up suffering as I was in so much shock to begin with I had 3 weeks off and spasmodic days after that just not coping - I get angry sad the lot I am seeing a councilor but it dosnt seem to help - I need to stop thinking about him and what he is doing but can't - will he ever feel remorse and tell me how long he did thus for and what lead him there and how they met ? Will it last ? Help

Tearsoflove posted 3/9/2014 02:20 AM


There is a thread in the Just Found Out forum about mastering the 180. The 180 is a means for you to begin detaching yourself from him in an effort to regain your sanity and self-esteem. Sometimes, the best thing to do in these situations is to go no contact with the WS. You can find the thread here:

Best wishes.

Giddy posted 3/9/2014 07:23 AM

Thank you 😍 just realized hoe long my post was lol a lot to say !

devasted30 posted 3/9/2014 08:00 AM

Giddy, I agree with Tearsoflove. Start the 180 NOW!!!
Also have you seen your doctor? You might need some anti-depressants. Don't feel bad about needing to go on medication. When we are under such a huge amount of stress, pain, hurt and turmoil, it's little wonder the body can't keep up and produce the amount of serotonin we need. We can't promise that your WS will wake up and finally "see the light" but, you need to get yourself under control so you can look after yourself. At this point in time, you are what matters. Not him!!!

njgal480 posted 3/9/2014 08:28 AM

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with so much pain.
Your WH treated you and your children horribly.
How can people do this? Just discard their family for a total stranger?
It is such classic mid life crisis.... he is running away from all of his responsibilities.
The affair is his escape. It is such incredible selfishness.
But,unfortunately, there's nothing can do. You did nothing wrong. You were being the best wife and mother that you could be.

At this point you need to take care of yourself, your children, your grandchildren. It sounds as if your kids have rallied around you.That is a blessing.
Have you gone to IC? That was so important for me. And I did need to see a doctor to get meds for anxiety and depression after d-day.
A betrayal like this is traumatic and many of us suffer from PTSD like symptoms.
I know I did and I ultimately reconciled with my FWH.
Your situation is heartbreaking.
A book that was helpful for me was: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.
He gives good advice on how to accept and move forward after experiencing the trauma of infidelity. The advice is good for those that try to reconcile or decide to divorce. Either way Dr. Ortman believes that the BS needs to come to terms with the trauma of the betrayal.

Giddy posted 3/9/2014 09:07 AM

Thank you to both of you so much - I have been seeing a councillor fortnightly and they have now put me on meds - I have my good days and my bad and some really bad as it was today because of my birthday .
It's so hard to think someone that everybody thought had high morals and was my best friend could turn into this monster .
Yes I have read about midlife and I think he is the textbook .
He won't give me any answers - how long this went on - he tells me a couple of months - which I know he is lying and won't tell me where they met as he never went out . But she works shift wrk .
He just saids I fell out of love ? And he was nicer at the beginning but since his lost his kids ,car . Etc because I wouldn't pay the payment his horrible

lastdance posted 3/9/2014 19:38 PM

please take care of yourself---try to read as much as you can so you can understand your husbands behavior----he wants out ---let him go--you need to take care of yourself and your kids,,,you are the important one strong and do not allow him to abuse you emotionally,,,that is not love,,abuse is abuse and only you can allow it to happen,and only you can put a stop to it

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