SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry I am posting here but I need to vent!!!! My husband cheated BADLY some years ago. After two years and thinking we were over it, he talked me into having more children. I have the most beautiful twins on earth now, however, every time I sit down and think, I think he cheated, cheats, and will forever cheat. Almost five years later and I cannot get over it.

Your brain is not damaged, your emotions are. We all put a lot of faith and trust into our WS only to be smacked in the face for it. And if you feel so strongly about what he did why don't you D him ? There is no written rule that say you have to stay and take his continued bullshit. For some infidelity is simply a deal breaker. And there is no shame in admitting that. Remember you and only you control your destiny. If your not happy change your situation. It makes no sense that you have to live like this. Do yourself a big favor and come up with a plan so you can get away. This shit sucks, it really does especially because it was someone else who totally flipped your life around. But sadly the only person who can make it right again is you. I'm sorry you feel this way and I sincerely wish you nothing but peace.

Has something happened that has brought these thoughts/emotions flooding back or is it something you have struggled with throughout the last 5 years?

If it's just suddenly come back then there is probably a trigger ie. something he's said or done, a gut feel or perhaps you're at a low point. Whatever it is, you need to investigate what the cause is to be able to understand it.

If however it's something that you have been struggling with for 5 years then you really need to stop and take stock of the situation.

- Are you able/willing to live the rest of your life fighting these emotions?

- Would counselling help you?

- Are you ever going to be able to trust him again?

- Do you need to get out of your marriage?

Sorry you're here

odds are you are picking up on some clues in his behavior that are setting off alarm bells. Demand ALL his passwords, and monitor EVERY social media, computer history, cell phone, or whatever he has. Clandestinely install key logger software on his computer. Same with his cell phone, there are programs that will show you every deleted message on the cell.

And is he really making an effort, even now 5 years later, to show he is a loving, sexual, caring, providing, and truthful husband.

If you find NOTHING after 1 month of serious monitoring, and he is making an uber effort at reconciliation...only then can you let your guard down and forgive him. And forgive him you should...because it is hurting you...not him...to be so distraught about it.

The thing here is, that after the shock of finding out, I cannot ever trust him again. It is just me. He is the same wonderful, loving husband he has always been, even through a 3 year affair.

How could I ever know if he was cheating or not if I never ever knew when he was?

Spanz, could you please tell me what programs I can use to monitor him? I think that may help.

Hi, SP. Two things:

he cheated, cheats, and will forever cheat.

The only part of this that I can find true is "he cheated".....the rest seems to be fatalistic thinking based on you being in a *low* spot right now, not due to *renewed* cheating on his part. Just something for you to keep in mind (unless you have reason to believe that he has begun cheating again.....)

How could I ever know if he was cheating or not if I never ever knew when he was?

Second thing. My (now)stbx was also one who treated me 'just fine' throughout his affairs. We had what I thought was a *normal* relationship -- he brought me flowers, cooked for the family a couple times a week (when he was in town), had sex regularly, hugged/kissed/ILY'd multiple times daily, and told me (frequently) that he wanted to be with me forever. So once his marriage-long cheating behavior was uncovered, I was flummoxed because he had pulled the wool over my eyes for so long. I knew that his ability to *fool* me for so long was a strong indication of him having some pretty serious *head* issues. So all I had to *go on* as I attempted to find a way to R with the guy was listening and watching for indications of a change in the way he *was* in the world. Watching the way that he interpreted his interactions with others and myself, etc.

My (now)stbx kept *failing* at this because he was constantly showing me that his 'inner mind' remained unchanged.

Examples:

(1) We had spoken about starting a new company, one which was similar to the one we were currently running, and he indicated that he was worried that the current customers would be upset and consider the new business a 'conflict of interest'. So he said that if we were to do this, that we would have to *bury* our ownership of it so that the current customers wouldn't know that it was ours.

(2) During a chit-chatty discussion one day, he said "I want to think that telling you about all of it (his cheating) was a good thing, but I look at guys who are doing things every day that their wives don't know about and they are HAPPY!

What those 2 things told me about him was that he was still willing to do the *wrong* thing so long as the 'wronged' person didn't find out.

Also, one day I called him out about being the *same* guy, and he decided to tell me *how* he was different by listing off a bunch of instances where women were coming on to him and he walked away. A couple of the instances seemed legit, but one of them floored me. He said that a woman walked by him in Wal-Mart and said "Oh hi. Our kids go to school together." (in reference to our special-needs child's school)

That conversation indicated to me that he saw any woman that said "hi" to him as *available*.....and it creeped me out.

I decided that his mind was just too sick for me to be able to deal with anymore.