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MC--how long should it go

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JaneDeaux posted 3/9/2014 06:43 AM

I'm a BS whose WH gas quite the track record of PA/EA. After the last DDay, we returned to MC. Been there weekly for about a month. We still live in same house although separate rooms. My question/problem is I don't think this is helping one iota. We are still at the "I cheated because she never made me feel important or No..1" or whatever offense he claims happened stage. I say at least once each session that I accept responsibility for part of our marital issues but refuse to accept any role in his cheating decisions. Is there a stage at which this gets better?

MoonLitSmile posted 3/9/2014 09:28 AM

I don't know how long counseling lasts but I know it won't help unless your WH is willing to accept it. FWH and I are preparing to start MC very soon and he is very open to it. If he wasn't, I don't think I would even bother. (((JaneDeaux)))

Ivyivy posted 3/9/2014 09:31 AM

I have a similar situation to yours - same house, separate rooms. I find myself saying the same thing that you say about the A and prior marital issues - but the WH focuses on the marital issues - so we go nowhere. He tells me that I ignore him and am not supportive. I have stopped going to MC (the MC was also his IC so there was a very specific direction MC was pushing). We may try MC with another counselor (not sure). At this point I am in a state of limbo and I am not sure if it is something I will come out of or if I am just waiting for WH to finally just leave. So all I can say is that you are not alone.

Uhtred posted 3/9/2014 09:50 AM

You may need to try several counselors out. Our first MC was a really good guy and had some nice things to say and all but frankly it wasn't getting the job done.

We switched counselors and the new one is so much better. She makes us participate by giving homework etc.etc...

I'm by no means saying we're cured but we are making some headway now that we are using her.

You may try going to a few different ones to see if y'all can get a better fit.

BtraydWife posted 3/9/2014 14:00 PM

"I cheated because she never made me feel important or No..

This isn't for MC to fix. He needs to be in IC. When he pulls his head out of his ass and commits to real R you can go back to MC. MC with an unremorseful spouse is a waste of time and money and can cause more damage.

With his history he's going to be in IC for a very long time as it's unlikely he'll be willing to do the hard work right away. If he's a rugsweeper IC lasts a long time.

My WH just went back to weekly IC (after being monthly for years) after finally admitting he wasn't really putting much effort into R. We are 4 years out from dday.

Cancel the next appointment and sign him up for weekly IC.

NowIwideopen posted 3/9/2014 14:46 PM

My first mc was awesome. He called my husband out & even told him he is lucky I don' t leave. No excuse for cheating ever. Credit him for saving my marriage. Never blamed me. Mc got sick & had to stop practicing. New person is a women and more sympathetic to my spouse but still never accepts He cheated because etc. I realize my husband lied to counselor in beginning. Remember their whole life has been a lie for the entire affair. They do not know fact from fiction. I never accept any blame for any part. My spouse was very open to mc also but still lied about many things. The lying hurts almost more then the sex. Who is this man.

NowIwideopen posted 3/9/2014 14:47 PM

My first mc was awesome. He called my husband out & even told him he is lucky I don' t leave. No excuse for cheating ever. Credit him for saving my marriage. Never blamed me. Mc got sick & had to stop practicing. New person is a women and more sympathetic to my spouse but still never accepts He cheated because etc. I realize my husband lied to counselor in beginning. Remember their whole life has been a lie for the entire affair. They do not know fact from fiction. I never accept any blame for any part. My spouse was very open to mc also but still lied about many things. The lying hurts almost more then the sex. Who is this man.

JaneDeaux posted 3/9/2014 14:50 PM

Well then it's over. He won't go because he doesn't want this on his insurance. That's why he won't treat his underlying depression or any other psychological issues. And why exactly am I interested in staying with this person?

BtraydWife posted 3/9/2014 15:19 PM

Then it sounds like you know where you stand now. If this was the case MC was doomed from the start.

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