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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Hurts so much
♀ 42703
Member # 42703
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finding it really difficult to accept my husbands abandonment and affair - He was caught out 31st July 13 when I was away for wrk he had in the prior few months started to get angry with me and mean towards me Started saying he was unhappy and didn't care about anything Anymore I thought he was going through depression or something because we had been having money problems with his business - somedays he would be ok others just horrible and very angry I thought we had the perfect family we have 3 beautiful kids that have been just married and 2 grand babies 3 months apart which my daughter wAs in hospital at the time he was . caught he didn't even want to talk about it he was so angry - he had just taken me away on a surprise river cruise for my5oth the March which was a surprise With the kids and family and the kids had also planned a surprise birthday party for me . Then there was Mother's Day and he gave me flowers and beautiful card etc - I had then been diagnosed with melanoma in the May also and went I went into to hospital to have it removed and he said your mum is worried about you so let her take u to the hospital - I cannot for the life of me work out his anger towards me - the only thing I cud notice in the Nov before 2012 he started a fight for no reason and took off fir hours on foot ignoring my phone calls and being nasty and the next day he sId u deserve more than me u are the main bread winner and made out he felt bad and said he didn't think we were compatible anymore . I had also noticed for a while he had been getting angry with other people including his anger towards his dad ??? Then April while we were away for my sons wedding he started on me obviously getting ready or she had been putting the pressure on him . We would have been 30years married in the dec and dating 2 yrs before that . He had everything and as a family we all went 4x4 driving camping did everything together so we all thought he was happy ?? He is. Very angry and blames me for loosing his car and having to sell it due to payment not being made I had told him I would pay. It then the whore put things all over face book where they were gong and what they were doing which is where we used to go as a family I had a fight with him about that and he didn't tell her to stop it was like he was too scared too . She doesn't do it know and has blocked us . So then I refused to pay it as I was taking from the house money he has left me with all debt and bills and not offered I cent he dosnt seem to care how I feel at all he said I said I'm sorry and told u I fell out of love but after 32 yrs together I want answers he said he only knew her a few months yeh right - and will not tell me the truth His kids will not have anything to do with him and he is also very angry about that I stupidly asked him to come home and work this out and he said he would then flatly refused the next day . He did meet up with the kids in the beginning and they told him he can't c them or the babies while is with her - she has been married three times and also had an affair around 21 yrs ago and had a baby to the family man of the affair and named it the same family name as him even though the family stayed together she has in total 5 kids 3 different fathers - which she didn't have any children to last marriage she is 5 yrs older than me and works in the kill room of a meet works company - I have a good paying high profile job with a bank - This doesn't make any sense at all - be was always so kind and everyone is in shock that he would do such a thing - He dosnt try to contact his kids at all saying they cannot tell him what to do - this is all so very sad - sorry about the rant but just can't seem to move on as I always am finding an excuse to talk to him and his always horrible and even more if he thinks the whore can here - I go crazy messaging him even when there is no reply cause its makes me angrier and thunk what right does he have to treat me this way after what he has done he shows her all my messages as she told me in a message which she also texted my girls which he must have given her their numbers - this is disgusting behavior - her text said if we didn't stop calling and names to my husband she would seek legal advise . He has been gone over 7 months now and there is no show of remorse has chosen her over his kids and grand kids can't believe this like he is brain washed as he was a good father I have tried everything from being nice to begging him to be with his kisa as he is missing out on the babies growing up he just saids the kids don't want him too . I am finding it. Rey hard to think of anything else. mY job will end up suffering as I was in so much shock to begin with I had 3 weeks off and spasmodic days after that just not coping - I get angry sad the lot I am seeing a councilor but it dosnt seem to help - I need to stop thinking about him and what he is doing but can't - will he ever feel remorse and tell me how long he did thus for and what lead him there and how they met ? Will it last ? Help

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Australia
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry for the pain he's putting you through.

I'm having a hard time reading all of this with no breaks so forgive me if you mentioned it, but have you sought the advice of a lawyer yet?

Your WH and the OW have bonded over turning you into the enemy. As hard as it is, it's time to pull away emotionally. Read in the Healing Library > BS FAQs > #11. It's called the 180 and following it as closely as you can will help you detach emotionally.

Only communicate with him about the kids and finances. Keep it business like. Use email and texts so you have time to consider what to reply to and what to ignore. So you can collect yourself and come here (the Divorce and Separation board has lots of good advice and support) before you answer.

Block that skank from your girls' phones.

And get a good lawyer. Immediately.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 42703
Member # 42703
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u Holly - I have been in touch with a lawyer to get advice and that is all .
The kids don't have anything to do with him or let him see our grand babies - So if I truthful I prob get in touch because I want to c him - Just find it so hard that his personality has completely changed and he is so angry with me ??? I have gone crazy with texting him when he ignores me it makes me worse -
Just can't believe he doted on me and this is happening - I will try the 180 - where do I find the info ? Sorry about the last message so long - just had so much to say because myself or anyone that knows us cannot make sense of this his missing out on his new grand kids and kids and he was a great father and husband until this

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Australia
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has made his choice- I am sorry.

He has been gone 7 months and it is time for you and the children, as hard as it will be, to move on without him, as if he has died- because the man you all knew HAS died. He is no longer there.

It is painful, and he may never care again about what he has done. He is in his new fantasy world controlled by the OW.

For yourself and the kids it is time to see a lawyer, file for D, and get on with being happy. DO not allow this man to control your life from somewhere else. Rebuild and make the best life you can on your own. Hopefully Australia has good laws for those who are abandoned- in your favor. Here in the states if you make more money you can end up paying HIM!

See that lawyer again and find out all your rights and get rid of him so you can find your balance and happiness again! You deserve that closure.

Posts: 1308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It helps if you think of him as an addict. Or even a pod person. Ever see the movie Men in Black? Where the alien ship lands and the bug alien wears the guys skin? The wife tells the MiB it wasn't Edgar. It was like something was wearing her husband as a suit. That's how WSs are. They are NOT the people we fell in love with and M.

It helps to think of them as someone else when you're dealing with this. Mourn him like he died, because the man you loved isn't there right now and may never come back.

The 180 is here:

Don't text him. Don't contact him except kids and finances. Don't look for reasons to contact him. Right now, your contact is a bonding point for him and the OW. Take yourself out of the equation so they can fully experience each other as the lying cheaters they are.

Whatever alien that is inside of your WH needs to feed off of validation. This is the addiction. One person wasn't enough to fill the emptiness inside so he found someone else. The thing is, he needs two people to feed this hunger. Take yourself out of the equation. You are worth more than being used by him to feed off of emotionally.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Topic Posts: 5

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