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Hurts so much

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Giddy posted 3/9/2014 07:49 AM

I am finding it really difficult to accept my husbands abandonment and affair - He was caught out 31st July 13 when I was away for wrk he had in the prior few months started to get angry with me and mean towards me Started saying he was unhappy and didn't care about anything Anymore I thought he was going through depression or something because we had been having money problems with his business - somedays he would be ok others just horrible and very angry I thought we had the perfect family we have 3 beautiful kids that have been just married and 2 grand babies 3 months apart which my daughter wAs in hospital at the time he was . caught he didn't even want to talk about it he was so angry - he had just taken me away on a surprise river cruise for my5oth the March which was a surprise With the kids and family and the kids had also planned a surprise birthday party for me . Then there was Mother's Day and he gave me flowers and beautiful card etc - I had then been diagnosed with melanoma in the May also and went I went into to hospital to have it removed and he said your mum is worried about you so let her take u to the hospital - I cannot for the life of me work out his anger towards me - the only thing I cud notice in the Nov before 2012 he started a fight for no reason and took off fir hours on foot ignoring my phone calls and being nasty and the next day he sId u deserve more than me u are the main bread winner and made out he felt bad and said he didn't think we were compatible anymore . I had also noticed for a while he had been getting angry with other people including his anger towards his dad ??? Then April while we were away for my sons wedding he started on me obviously getting ready or she had been putting the pressure on him . We would have been 30years married in the dec and dating 2 yrs before that . He had everything and as a family we all went 4x4 driving camping did everything together so we all thought he was happy ?? He is. Very angry and blames me for loosing his car and having to sell it due to payment not being made I had told him I would pay. It then the whore put things all over face book where they were gong and what they were doing which is where we used to go as a family I had a fight with him about that and he didn't tell her to stop it was like he was too scared too . She doesn't do it know and has blocked us . So then I refused to pay it as I was taking from the house money he has left me with all debt and bills and not offered I cent he dosnt seem to care how I feel at all he said I said I'm sorry and told u I fell out of love but after 32 yrs together I want answers he said he only knew her a few months yeh right - and will not tell me the truth His kids will not have anything to do with him and he is also very angry about that I stupidly asked him to come home and work this out and he said he would then flatly refused the next day . He did meet up with the kids in the beginning and they told him he can't c them or the babies while is with her - she has been married three times and also had an affair around 21 yrs ago and had a baby to the family man of the affair and named it the same family name as him even though the family stayed together she has in total 5 kids 3 different fathers - which she didn't have any children to last marriage she is 5 yrs older than me and works in the kill room of a meet works company - I have a good paying high profile job with a bank - This doesn't make any sense at all - be was always so kind and everyone is in shock that he would do such a thing - He dosnt try to contact his kids at all saying they cannot tell him what to do - this is all so very sad - sorry about the rant but just can't seem to move on as I always am finding an excuse to talk to him and his always horrible and even more if he thinks the whore can here - I go crazy messaging him even when there is no reply cause its makes me angrier and thunk what right does he have to treat me this way after what he has done he shows her all my messages as she told me in a message which she also texted my girls which he must have given her their numbers - this is disgusting behavior - her text said if we didn't stop calling and names to my husband she would seek legal advise . He has been gone over 7 months now and there is no show of remorse has chosen her over his kids and grand kids can't believe this like he is brain washed as he was a good father I have tried everything from being nice to begging him to be with his kisa as he is missing out on the babies growing up he just saids the kids don't want him too . I am finding it. Rey hard to think of anything else. mY job will end up suffering as I was in so much shock to begin with I had 3 weeks off and spasmodic days after that just not coping - I get angry sad the lot I am seeing a councilor but it dosnt seem to help - I need to stop thinking about him and what he is doing but can't - will he ever feel remorse and tell me how long he did thus for and what lead him there and how they met ? Will it last ? Help

Uhtred posted 3/9/2014 08:08 AM


I'm so sorry for your pain and that you even had to come here and join the club no one wants to belong to. Please make sure to check out the healing library and keep posting. I don't have much advice for you but to keep eating and drinking. Get some counseling ASAP. Your struggles have been heard. Someone will post some good advice for you shortly.

brkn_heartd posted 3/9/2014 15:37 PM

I am glad you found us. I am sorry you needed to find us. It is so very hard, especially if the WS isn't remorseful and acts hurtfully. In this forum is information on the 180. The 180 is to help you heal. Not to punish is to help you move to a better place. One phrase I like is No contact = no new hurts. In your description, you are texting him...and you are become more hurt every time his reaction is not what you expect.

We are here for you...every time you want to text him....write us....every time you want to email, or call him...write us. As you are separating and decreasing the hurt you are experiencing each time he doesn't contact you....your job performance will improve. As you are not thinking how he didn't answer can think on your job. I KNOW THIS as a fact. I know I lost my job as part of consequences from not being able to separate from the pain.

If counseling does not help, try a different counselor. It took me a couple before I found one that has helpful to me.

Hugs to you.

Sad Petunia posted 3/9/2014 16:30 PM

Dear Giddy,

I am very sorry this happened to you. I can feel your pain. We have all been there. It is awful, but you will survive.

I wonder wat would happen if you just stop all contact now. Just quit cold turkey. Don't write, text, call or email him. AT ALL. Don't answer his calls, texts or emails. Have him face your absolute silence. Do it for awhile, for as long as it takes him to be jolted into the reality that he has lost you. I have a feeling you will be surprised by his reaction. Maybe you will have him begging at your doorstep.

Right now, you are making it very easy for him to hate you. Why not turn things around and make him miss you? And he will miss you! After so many years together!

norabird posted 3/9/2014 18:41 PM

I'm sorry Giddy. You are still expecting him to be who he was--a loving husband. But he isn't anymore, so you have to stop expecting ANYTHING from him. Not remorse, not respect, not attention. Not answers. You have to make your own closure and that starts by accepting, painful as it is, the finality of what has happened. Understand that you should not be with or want to be with someone who could do this to you and that you deserve better. Take your mind and energy off of him and start focusing on yourself and what you want from your new life. You can start over, pick up new hobbies, focus on yourself, gain your confidence back--see it as an opportunity. Because renting him space in your head after what he has done is only drawing out your pain at his treatment. Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to let go and accept our new normal even though a mourning period is absolutely normal.

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