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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: What if they really are better without you??...
stuckinthetunnel
♀ 41754
Member # 41754
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am always reading on this forum how the WH and his OW could not have a happy and healthy relationship since they are broken selfish people..but what if that is not the case.

What if many many years they were with us they were really with the wrong person and even though you thought you were "soul mates" (gag) their true soul mate is the OW.

The last 10 years we were married I couldn't get my inactive over weight husband to spend any time with us...I am very active and he would not do anything active with me. He would never miss a day of work for anything, much less to hang out with me. Now he is taking days to go places with this woman and doing things he never even thought of with me. skiing??!! I cant even imagine him doing that and he is...he really seems like a different person and happier. yes he walked away from his "family" for it and doesn't seem to miss it. He hasn't spoken to my 2 kids, we raised together for 18 years, since 2011. He rarely has contact with our son together but that is because our son doesn't really want to have anything to do with him.

This was my second marriage..I really thought that he was the one I would raise grandkids with. I still feel like he was the one, that there isn't anyone else out there for me. Why would a person stay so long with someone if they really didn't want to be there. I really just feel like our whole life was a lie and he has found someone who makes him feel happy and healthy and the years with me were a waste.


DDay 10/30/11
Divorced 3/25/13
Married 19 yrs.
S30,S23 mine
S17 ours

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2013
roseguide
♀ 35697
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stuckinthetunnel)))
I have nothing helpful to say. I can only commiserate with you and tell you that you are not alone. I feel the same way. Things I begged him to do he now does for and with her. I hear this through other people. I don't see him so I don't know if he seems happy or not but still...


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. Buddhist saying

Posts: 209 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last 10 years we were married I couldn't get my inactive over weight husband to spend any time with us...I am very active and he would not do anything active with me. He would never miss a day of work for anything, much less to hang out with me. Now he is taking days to go places with this woman and doing things he never even thought of with me. skiing??!! I cant even imagine him doing that and he is...he really seems like a different person and happier. yes he walked away from his "family" for it and doesn't seem to miss it. He hasn't spoken to my 2 kids, we raised together for 18 years, since 2011. He rarely has contact with our son together but that is because our son doesn't really want to have anything to do with him.

Does that really sound like a person who could truly be happy in his inner self?

Sounds more to me like he is trying to bandaid over his feelings about having abandoned his family.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
oldandtiredout
♀ 32299
Member # 32299
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's trying to impress his new ladylove. It's sickening. I guess he feels now that he's burned his bridges he has to cater to her now to keep her. Hopefully he burns out trying to be superman. Only a very selfish person could turn his back on his kids That selfishness must have been in there all along.


WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If by some miracle he and OW are together in 10 years I'd bet my last dollar he would be that overweight, inactive, workaholic that he was with you. What he is doing now is just window dressing for the OW until he traps her. Then its back to business as usual. But by then you wont give a shit because your life is going to be great.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5905 | Registered: Nov 2007
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if they are?

What does that change?

Best to focus on you being better without them.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It still doesn't excuse the way he treated you. If he was so unhappy, he should have ended his relationship with you before starting a new one. That shows a lack of character that will impact his current 'lurving' relationship.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2098 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
stuckinthetunnel
♀ 41754
Member # 41754
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes lack of character, yes selfishness...and yes the selfishness, now that I look back, was probably always there, and yes...it doesn't matter or change anything but I wonder how I could have been so wrong all the same.

sometimes you have to except the truth to move on...Im wondering if my truth is I was the wrong person for him all along. Which I know seems laughable to you guys having been through what we have gone through...good gawd, obviously!!

sometimes the obvious is the last thing you see..


DDay 10/30/11
Divorced 3/25/13
Married 19 yrs.
S30,S23 mine
S17 ours

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2013
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds more to me like he is trying to bandaid over his feelings about having abandoned his family.
Only a very selfish person could turn his back on his kids That selfishness must have been in there all along.
Yeah, to all this.....right now, he is in the fog. His head is in his self-absorbed bubble and he is using his new love as an addictive agent....running from the real issue which is himself. No matter how unhappy he may have been in the marriage (and he has to take at least 50% of that responsibility) you don't turn your back on your children. What kind of person does that? There is something wrong with him. It's him, not you.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15550 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes you have to except the truth to move on...Im wondering if my truth is I was the wrong person for him all along.
I think so. You weren't well matched, because you were looking for something real, something that takes work and sometimes putting your partner first, love - not "luuuurve", and apparently he is just looking for other people to validate him and make him feel good. In other words, you were working on something real and he was looking for the superficial, the easy pick me ups, not willing to face himself or the real issues.

sometimes you have to except the truth to move on.
Your truth is now you are free to pursue something better, something actually fulfilling, something that is lasting and real.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:40 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15550 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im wondering if my truth is I was the wrong person for him all along.

I think your truth should be that he was the wrong person for you. Instead of "what if he's better off without me" thinking, change it around to "how am I better off without him?"

All those things he wouldn't do with you? You're free to do them without trying to drag him along.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin is absolutely right. As are the other posters here.

Two huge lightbulb moments for me.

"She's Special"
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

"Romantic Infidelity"
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

We all go through phases of this kind of thinking. Especially when we're looking through the windows. We somehow forget that we were in that house once - we know what its really like. OWmpteen doesn't have the man I thought I had, she has the man I did have.

Perhaps it is a way of soothing ourselves or picking at the scab. Its hard to accept that we were just the next/nearest willing/available host to these parasites. But that is exactly what this is.

Focus on you and your life. Leave him to his false construct.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5735 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stuckinthetunnel
♀ 41754
Member # 41754
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH. MY. GAWD.
SBB I just read the article you posted on romantic infidelity....When my XWH started this other relationship he had just got sober, had only been sober for a year.

Wow...there are other points they made that were spot on. Thank you, that was spot on.


DDay 10/30/11
Divorced 3/25/13
Married 19 yrs.
S30,S23 mine
S17 ours

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about this, and in my case, I'll bet it is true.
Stbx has a lot of self-esteem/self-worth issues that he assuages through power & control.

As controlling as he was with me in certain areas, there were a few that I gave him serious push-back on: the kids and the business.
As a SAHM who had the *primary* kid responsibility 24/7, I considered that *my* domain and he did too --until he would try to throw his weight around about it. He handed that *power* over to me because anytime I was having an issue over, say, scheduling, his go-to response was: "Deal with it."

And not too long ago when he was telling me that I was dragging out the D because I was a greedy free-loader, he told me that all *I* did was marry a successful guy. Huh? No I didn't. He had NOTHING when we got married. He had just been *asked* by the University to take time off, he had no job, and we were living in a $5K single-wide trailer in a trailer park. So, of course, I also considered that *I* played a part in that business becoming what it is today.

So I'm sure that any of his relationships going forward will work out just fine for him because he will receive the proper amount of *deference* from whatever bedwarmer he's with because he'll look like an *involved* dad because he won't *expect* the bedwarmer to be responsible for the kids because she isn't the *mom* AND he will be coming to them as the bona-fide successful business guy --bedwarmer will feel NO *ownership* of that business or have any memories of what it took to build the business to the point where it is today.

OTOH, I'll bet that he remains the same controlling, envious, jealous guy that he's always been. No matter how much he tries to *run away* from himself and his issues, there *he* is, kwim?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hummingbird8
♀ 25086
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WS can go on and marry OW and be better matched and happier. I think every relationship is hard and anyone who is together six months or more is going to have challenges and things to work through.

I disagree that what they have can't be real, or they are hiding their true selves etc. I think that is something we tell ourselves to make us feel better.

On this site you have a lot of BS that say they are happier so I would assume a lot of WS are happier too. The key is not to tell ourselves they are broken, hiding, not really happy, but to focus on our own happiness and not care about theirs.


Posts: 514 | Registered: Aug 2009
hummingbird8
♀ 25086
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also wanted add, if you ask my ex or my husband's (not the one that brought me here) ex, they would say we are a lot different. We do things together that we have never done before, maybe not even wanted to do before. We spend a lot of time together and have a lot of fun. Husband's ex (there was no infidelity but she was not happy with the divorce or me when we started dating) would probably tell everyone I make him do this or that and he didn't like it before. If you ask husband I do things his ex never wanted to and he is happier than he's ever been.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Aug 2009
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, It's so funny that this subject came up, because that is all I have been thinking about this whole week.

Last week my elderly mother passed away, and STBXH invited me to come over for dinner (was his night already with my daughter, and DS came from college) - Anyway, I'm at his place, he cooks a great dinner, shops around for best prices, is talking about all kinds of things he does now, and I'm like, "WHO IS THIS GUY?" in 22 years married - unless it was grilled food - never ONCE did he initiate dinner, go shopping, etc. And most of all seemed HAPPY, carefree. Not this guy, that would come home and sit on the sofa after dinner and not say much...

I came away from that night - with the same feeling, with this incredible sadness, like I needed to accept that "I was the dead weight in his life" that he really is just fine without me.

But I agree with everyone else has told you,you were the wrong person for him, because you had integrity and morals, and maybe they are better off without us, but they have lost so much in the process, the relationship with the kids, the respect from their families, and their integrity.

I don't envy his new life, he's either alone or surrounded by meaningless relationships. We need to believe that they are doing us a favor - we have a chance for a whole new life.


I edit - because I hate misspellings or grammar mistakes.

Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Sparkles
♀ 39901
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its possible that there is a person that is a better match for my cheating spouse. The problem is that he was in and ended our relationship in a deceitful and cruel way. He walked away from his obligations and lied, lied, lied. Maybe if he had gone about it in a healthy, honest and forthright way I would be able to see his new partnerships in a different light. But he didn't. When you start a new life without properly ending the first one things are going to be complicated for a long time (kids, finances) Can you really be gloriously happy after leaving a trail of destruction in your wake?

oops - had to edit - meant CHEATING spouse!

[This message edited by Sparkles at 12:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck, here it comes 2 X 4. You are warned.

STOP!!! Why do you care? Not your problem!!! Get on with YOUR life! Focus on the things you have control over. Why do you care if the lying, cheating misogynist is happy? FTG!!! Work on why you picked poorly. Admittedly this is coming from a guy who had 5(count 'em 5) different women in LTR's cheat on him.

our son doesn't really want to have anything to do with him

Sounds like you've got a pretty smart kid.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3308 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said, maybe he is better off now. I really doubt it - he's still in the honeymoon stage with Shameless Slut - but I suppose it is a possibility.

The most important thing is that YOU are better off without HIM. You can keep on being Fantastic You, without that albatross around your neck. You are fucking fabulous, and he just couldn't see it!

You deserve someone who is willing to accept fucking fabulous.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 48
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