Hi all,
I am actually doing ok at the moment but something that has always bothered me is the unfairness of infidelity.
fwh told me all too clearly that at the time he felt like he had never met anyone like ow, that no one else had ever made him feel so good, that he couldn't believe someone like ow could want him.
Firstly, OUCH! That all really hurt to hear. I know it was all about how she made him feel None of it was real. He knows this now too. She put on a show for him, manipulated him, she soon showed her true colours and he saw the light of day. Strangely he never thought he was in love with her, just loved a younger woman making him feel great.
BUT, where I get stuck is this.
He got to feel so bloody marvellous but I get to feel like my world has ended.
He got to feel wanted, I got to feel rejected.
She got admired, I got ignored.
He got the ego boost, I had my self esteem ripped out.
He got the excitement, I got the fear and dread.
He got to experience being with someone new after all these years, I won't and don't want to but it's still unfair.
He doesn't want either of us to cheat or an open marriage - in his words you may as well be single if you're going to sleep around, it's no marriage (just his opinion, I don't want to offend anyone in an open marriage) yet it didn't stop him doing it.
He jumped on the first girl to pay him attention in about 10 seconds flat. I have rejected at least a dozen advances and offers of the years with a simple, thanks but no thanks I am married.
He is sick now at what he did and tells me it's so not worth it. From what I can see about how he talks about how he felt at the time it seems to have been worth it at the time!
I can't help but think if it's so great what would happen if you removed the guilt? would he still be with her or someone else? Would it be worth it if there were no consequences?
Just my jumbled thoughts for today.
Yes, part of me thinks hell if it's that good when do I get my turn! If it's ok for him to do it why can't I! But I know I would feel cheap, empty and dirty. It would just be revenge and that wouldn't feel good. I have my head screwed on tight enough to know it wouldn't be real, it would all be smoke and mirrors.
It's still bloody unfair though isn't it.
It's his job now to make me feel special and wanted again but even though he is doing, I will never get that external validation he did. I will never know if another man could ever want me. I will never know the thrill of being wanted by someone new.
I don't think he really understands that.
How do you all deal with this?
[This message edited by olwen at 10:37 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]