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revenge affairs and injustice

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olwen posted 3/9/2014 10:02 AM

Hi all,

I am actually doing ok at the moment but something that has always bothered me is the unfairness of infidelity.

fwh told me all too clearly that at the time he felt like he had never met anyone like ow, that no one else had ever made him feel so good, that he couldn't believe someone like ow could want him.

Firstly, OUCH! That all really hurt to hear. I know it was all about how she made him feel None of it was real. He knows this now too. She put on a show for him, manipulated him, she soon showed her true colours and he saw the light of day. Strangely he never thought he was in love with her, just loved a younger woman making him feel great.

BUT, where I get stuck is this.

He got to feel so bloody marvellous but I get to feel like my world has ended.
He got to feel wanted, I got to feel rejected.
She got admired, I got ignored.
He got the ego boost, I had my self esteem ripped out.
He got the excitement, I got the fear and dread.
He got to experience being with someone new after all these years, I won't and don't want to but it's still unfair.
He doesn't want either of us to cheat or an open marriage - in his words you may as well be single if you're going to sleep around, it's no marriage (just his opinion, I don't want to offend anyone in an open marriage) yet it didn't stop him doing it.
He jumped on the first girl to pay him attention in about 10 seconds flat. I have rejected at least a dozen advances and offers of the years with a simple, thanks but no thanks I am married.

He is sick now at what he did and tells me it's so not worth it. From what I can see about how he talks about how he felt at the time it seems to have been worth it at the time!

I can't help but think if it's so great what would happen if you removed the guilt? would he still be with her or someone else? Would it be worth it if there were no consequences?

Just my jumbled thoughts for today.

Yes, part of me thinks hell if it's that good when do I get my turn! If it's ok for him to do it why can't I! But I know I would feel cheap, empty and dirty. It would just be revenge and that wouldn't feel good. I have my head screwed on tight enough to know it wouldn't be real, it would all be smoke and mirrors.

It's still bloody unfair though isn't it.

It's his job now to make me feel special and wanted again but even though he is doing, I will never get that external validation he did. I will never know if another man could ever want me. I will never know the thrill of being wanted by someone new.

I don't think he really understands that.

How do you all deal with this?

[This message edited by olwen at 10:37 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]

Breezy150 posted 3/9/2014 10:48 AM

I feel the same way. Our family was going through the hardest thing we will probably ever have to through, and WH got to just check out. While we were standing strong but emotionally being ripped apart, he got to go get his ego stroked. He got to just not participate in our struggles, fears, and healing. He was feeling great about himself. I wouldn't have minded feeling wanted, supported, and getting my ego stroked.

Everybody says how strong and wonderful I was during this time, healing my children (and even other peoples children) emotionally, healing my son physically and emotionally. I get so mad because I was only that strong because I had no other choice, I had no support from WH, he was too busy courting OW.

In fact it's a long story but there were 7 men involved in the crime against my son, I went to every court date, I was in court multiple times a week for a year to fight for justice. Court days were extremely hard and I would come home and spend time crying, just to get it out. My WH decided that the best way for him to deal with it is ignore it. I could not even mention anything about the crime around is the kicker, he would talk to OW about what had happened in court and pretend he was involved in it. He would voice his frustrations to her, not me, and not my son.

I am sorry I didn't realize I needed to vent, long story short I feel bad about it but I am jealous of him for being able to check out. Nothing about this will ever be fair!

Uhtred posted 3/9/2014 10:54 AM

Well at least I'm not the only one that has thoughts about this subject. In the end though we have our honor and honor is a big part of my make up. I hold my honor as great worth to me. Without it you are nothing.

You asked "I'll never know if there is a man out there that would want me"? I can assure you that there are so many out there that would love to have the chance but you are unavailable because you have your honor.

I'm sure before you were married you had more than one man trying to get your affection so of course you were wanted then and are wanted now.

I do have to control my thoughts around this subject though because it is easy to let my mind run wild with a revenge affair that could be easily had if I made a little effort.

olwen posted 3/9/2014 11:01 AM

I am so sorry to hear how hard that was for you breezy, hope the vent helped.

I am pretty pissed at fwh right now. I tried talking to him about this stuff and he got defensive then started crying. I wish he would buck his idea up. It's the one problem we still have to tackle in our R. When I need him to sit and talk calmly with me he will but if I show any anger with him at all then the walls go up and he stomps around in a temper. Then he cries about how awful he feels and how hard it is for him.

Ugh, just once I would like him to say, woah I know you're hurting, let's talk this through. Nope, he goes right into poor me territory, how can he cope with what he has done? Not how can he help ME cope with what HE has done.

I wouldn't mind if I hadn't specifically told him how I need him to sit with me and talk it out with me. He always says he will but when it comes to it he goes off on one.

What could be a simple discussion about something that's hurting me and a bit of reassurance from him, turn into ww3 instead.

Breezy150 posted 3/9/2014 12:38 PM

Thank you the vent did help, gave me something to get help with this week in IC. Lol.

My WH is kind if the same way, face to face it usually gets turned around to him and escalates to a fight. We get more accomplished if we go through some form of writing, texting or e mail. I don't even want to talk to him about this subject yet though. I don't trust him enough with these feelings, I will try to sort them out in IC though.

Hope things get better for you olwen. My WH says that he has been no good at communicating for a really long time, so he is learning slowly but surely, but it is a learned skill.

Pass posted 3/9/2014 13:13 PM

When I confronted The Princess on DDay, at one point she said, "I just wish you could go out and fuck someone so that you could feel as good as it made me feel."

Yeah, does that sound like someone who is remorseful?

I'm still proud that I responded with, "Fuck that! I don't do that shit!"

It is totally unfair, but you can be proud of the fact that you never cheated. Your FWH, not so much.

olwen posted 3/9/2014 13:30 PM

Thanks uhtred - that was a lovely thing to say. My morals and honour are keeping me strong. I wouldn't want to sink as low as he did and I could never put my son through anymore heartache either. Many reasons not to do it and the main one is I love my husband and don't want anyone else! I just wish he had shown me the same love.

But yeah I would like to feel like someone else wanted me. That's all though, I wouldn't act on it. Maybe I should get in shape so at least guys might look at me then lol, that's all I want

You say you can easily let your thoughts go down the same path, I so get it. It wouldn't be so easy for me though. I am pretty much housebound due to anxiety problems, even though I am sure I would never do anything it does remove temptation so it wouldn't be easy for me. I could choose between the postman or window cleaner - neither attractive prospects lol. Seriously though I am only joking.

Now I think about it though my brother in law got a bit too friendly after the A. He is 10 years younger than me and was just a bit too flirty and hugged a bit too long and too tight. A few too many texts with lots of kisses on and comments about how he couldn't believe H would cheat on me and how sexy he thinks 'curvy' women are etc. Honestly my reaction was how on earth do people cross the line - I felt soooo uncomfortable I put him in his place pretty sharpish. I must admit I had forgotten about that. Inappropriate yes, but I suppose it does answer my question that other men may find me attractive. He seemed to feel that cos the flirting went on in front of my sister it was harmless but I told him straight that it was that kind of flirting that got H started down the cheating road. He really is a younger version of H and it worries me. My sister is well aware of it and witnessed my polite 'advice' to him. It actually started a discussion between them about his flirting and I hope he grows up soon! None of it was kept from h or her. I admit I was flattered, who wouldn't be but it just felt so wrong I don't know how anyone can think crossing the line feels good!

I am really proud of how I handled it. They aren't married yet and when he was going on about how special I was etc my response was 'ah, thanks, you will make a great brother in law too, you're one of the family already and so lucky to have my little sis, make sure you look after her and learn from the mistakes in my marriage!' he visibly flinched. Hope the message sank in.

Breezy, yeah we are the same! We can both get a bit heated face to face but it never lasts. He has already calmed down and apologised. He is getting better but it's changing the habits of a life time. One thing that helps us when we are talking about the nitty gritty of the A is to write down what's been said and agreed on. Feels natural to me as I am very organised and then once it's written down there is no chance of 'oh, I didn't mean that, I never sais that etc etc'
Writing can really help.

Glad the rant helped and good luck for ic this week

olwen posted 3/9/2014 13:31 PM

Thanks Pass, good for you! You should be proud! sometimes I forget how important self respect and dignity are in the middle of all this. Being able to NOT be that person IS something to be proud of, you're right.

Thanks for the reminders all.

[This message edited by olwen at 1:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

SadInNC posted 3/9/2014 13:35 PM

What could be a simple discussion about something that's hurting me and a bit of reassurance from him, turn into ww3 instead.


WW1, WW2, WW3 and WW4 and now I have checked out of R after 3 months. How many times can you reopen a wound before it cannot heal? Looking at him causes me pain, I can't even talk to him.

olwen posted 3/9/2014 13:45 PM

(((sadinnc))) I am so sorry to hear that. It was like that for us in the early days but it's getting better now despite my moaning. I make it clear I won't stand for it and he's working on it. I tell him now if he starts shouting that I can't hear him when he goes over a certain decibel limit. Seems to work lol.

Mostly R is going well but if I ask something that hits a sore spot he does get defensive. It's not as bad as it was and not as often but he does blow up still. At least he calms down more quickly now and apologises. Just drives me mad every time he does it.

It's only ever when we talk about the how he felt 'at the time' stuff. He hates looking back and gets defensive cos he knows it will hurt us both to go there but I need to sometimes so I just think suck it up sunshine and don't let him shout me down like I used to.

I think if I need to talk about it, I need to talk about it. If he didn't want to go through this with me he shouldn't have done it in the first place. If he can't hack it then he knows where the door is.

We are too early on in this process for me to be hiding my feelings.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/9/2014 14:18 PM

Here are two threads that recently discussed this and kind of dovetail with your thread:

olwen posted 3/9/2014 14:50 PM

Thanks for that sister milkshake

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