SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

norabird posted 3/9/2014 10:07 AM

If I were better about getting mad (not quite there yet), I think I would be the most angry about the fact that, while supposedly loving me more than anything, he didn't think I deserved to know that he was toxic. KWIM? He knew he was lying and giving me so much less than I was giving him, and he let me because he 'didn't want to lose me'.

Well, you deserved to lose me, ass, and I deserved to know that! But instead he put on an act. When I had every right to know the truth about my life, he hid it from me. And he lied to some of the women he 'dated' while he was with me too--so hell bent on getting whatever he wanted without ever considering that he was taking away the authenticity of other people's lives and setting them up to be hurt.

It's such an awful way to be!!!!

Leia posted 3/9/2014 10:18 AM

Since you asked....

I am most angry that he wouldn't work on our marriage. Yes, we had issues, but none that seemed to be insurmountable. Instead, he goes off, finds someone new. Instead of talking to me about our issues and letting me know he found someone else attractive, he chose to be with her--his new shiny object. I'm angry that we built a beautiful life together and he couldn't handle it.

I'm very angry about my legal limbo. He decided to file first for D, and didn't kick me out. So I'm legally forced to do in house S. That really pisses me off.

doggiediva posted 3/9/2014 10:46 AM

I am also angry that my WH chose not to work on himself to be a better partner for M..Instead he chose to go the superficial route with the least work..He gave me crumbs thinking I would shut up, continue working to support us both while he got to cake eat...
Too bad I saw through his act..

Had we done genuine R I would have given it my all..We would probably be enjoying each other a little more as time went on.. The fruits of our labor would have been multiplied...

Instead I face the fact that the modest fruits of my labor will be divided...

We are in an in-house separation also..I am poorer than a church mouse, living off of my pension..This forced my WH to get a job..
At least I have some of my dignity back...

Now to figure out how to separate physically and divorce without facing extreme un-sustainable poverty in my old age..

Grr...

gonnabe2016 posted 3/9/2014 11:10 AM

I lived my life as a *partner* and a lot of the choices that I made were fine for partnership, but weren't in my own overall best interest. So the thing that bothers me the most is that I made these decisions based on the lies that he was telling me.

And now that we are getting divorced, the only thing that really changes for him is his address. He still has the same *life* that he had while we were married. I, OTOH, have to start all over from scratch. Some days the thought of starting all over really, really pisses me off.....but other days I see it as a bit of a blessing.

One of the things that causes me to actually feel anger is when he acts like he's the victim in this whole scenario. He's a big "yea, but" guy...."yea, I <xyz>, but GONNA <abc>!!!!" (translation: yea, I cheated, but GONNA called me a dick. Can you believe that she talked to me like that??!??) Whatever. Stuff it, dude.

eta another one: Being held *hostage* in this D process while having to listen to him accuse ME of dragging it out. He keeps saying that he wants the D over with, but he won't provide a bunch of financial information that is necessary (and REQUIRED by law). He refuses to put all his cards on the table, which requires me to have to use legal channels in an attempt to get the information that I'm entitled to......and then he accuses me of being the one who is playing games and running up the L bills because I won't give him an offer.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:18 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]

SadInNC posted 3/9/2014 11:30 AM

I'm not fully in legal S or D yet but heading towards it. Like most of you, my anger is because he refuses to do the hard word for R. He doesn't want to tell all the truth, would rather rugsweep and go on as usual. It's selfish. It makes me angry that I'm not worth some internal discomfort on his part. After 27 years, he can't do this for me.

Chippednotbroken posted 3/9/2014 11:43 AM

I'm angry that he was so mean and now gets to act like nothing happened. That he was so drunk during the abuse and doesn't remember it. I wish I didn't remember it. I'm mad that he found someone to have a relationship with so easily even though we were married. I'm mad that I feel like he never loved me, or any other boyfriend. I'm mad that he loved someone else so easily when I have turned off my feelings for the opposite sex for years, well obviously I was married. I'm mad that now I'm on my own with three kids and I'm expected to always be smart, and good and do what's right.

SadInNC posted 3/9/2014 11:56 AM

I guess I could write a book about what I'm angry about. I'm so angry that he lies, lies, lies. I'm angry that I get disrespected like that. I'm angry that the wound in my heart with his name on it keeps getting ripped open with each new lie. I'm angry that I am bleeding and he thinks I should "just forget about it."

I'm angry that he hurt and continues to hurt our kids. They are in pain, too. His fault.

I'm angry that he has destroyed my belief system. I have to re-evaluate everything now. There is no happy ever after for most. My parents had it but they have both passed away now. God rest their souls. I am angry because he has added cynic to who I am now. I don't like being a cynic.

Pass posted 3/9/2014 12:33 PM

I'm angry that she was never who I thought she was. When I met her, I thought she was perfect. That's because she is so good at "mirroring" whoever she wants to be with. I see her doing that with Rig Pig now. The woman I thought I was married to would never have giggled about getting a wet willy, used the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid", or delighted in watching hours of mindless comedies. She always made jokes about people like that, but now she's heavily involved with it.

I also hate that she made me feel like I was the weakest link in the relationship, and I was lucky to have her.

And then of course, there's the fact that I'm poor now while she lives the high life. That's just great,

Dreamboat posted 3/9/2014 12:35 PM

I am angry about how he treated and still treats DD. And I am angry about how it has affected her. And the closer she gets to going to college, the angrier I get about him not paying CS in over 5 years. He owes me enough to pay for 4 full years of state school, including room & board, tuition, fees, and meal plan.

SadInNC posted 3/9/2014 13:44 PM

Sorry that I keep posting on this thread. I am one angry girl today.

I am angry at myself for marrying him!!

I am angry at myself for trusting him!

Angry, angry, angry.

Gemini71 posted 3/9/2014 16:06 PM

I am angry that he didn't/doesn't have the guts to tell me he wants out of our marriage.

kernel posted 3/9/2014 16:44 PM

I've pretty much moved on from having any emotions about X and the things he did and said, thankfully. One thing that lingered for a long time though - that he would not fight for me or our marriage. Whether through cowardice or shame or laziness or who the fuck knows, that's the thing I stayed angry and hurt about for the longest time.

SBB posted 3/9/2014 17:34 PM

I'm angry that he defrauded me. I made decisions based on his lies.

I'm angry that he coerced me into having children with him all the while knowing that he was having affairs.

I'm angry that he used me to have children. That he would do this to them.

I'm angry that I now miss out on 50% of my girls lives to have him largely ignore them, make them feel like burdens or at best bandy them about as proof of what a great guy he is.

Helen of Troy posted 3/9/2014 17:47 PM

I'm angry he still tries to control my life through revenge litigation; and the legal system allowing his nonsense of useless court suits that tie up resources. Fucking asshole! this money would be better spent on the kids not legal fees.
Not my problem he signed his life away when he was in schmoop land with ow#456 and not thinking about the future.
I am angry he tries to alienate his own children against me.
I am angry that he can be this self centered and self absorbed.

When he dies, I will dance on his grave.

myowndystopia posted 3/9/2014 18:17 PM

I'm angry that he wasn't willing to even try to R- coward!
I'm angry that he has rewritten almost 29 years of my life and now he actually believes it!
I'm angry that now I have to deal with him trying to come up with some type divorce agreement! He's a business man and i always said I would never want to be on the other side of a business deal with him--- and now I am
I'm angry at myself for not standing up sooner!

dmari posted 3/9/2014 18:39 PM

Interesting thread. I am angry about how this has hurt my children and how this will impact them in some way for the rest of their lives. I am even angrier that stbx doesn't get it.

I also have some issues where I am angry but not. I'm angry that I have had to take care of my children's emotional break downs by myself. OTOH, stbx would still make it about him and therefore make the situation worse. I'm angry that all the parental responsibilities are mine. OTOH, it always was so not really a big deal. I'm angry that I have to start all over again ~ go back to school and get in a career that will be able to support me and my children with needs. OTOH, I'm excited about this chapter in my life.

Deep down, I'm still angry/hurt that he didn't even try. Just left with no regrets or remorse. OTOH, thank God he didn't try. I couldn't handle false R. That would have devastated me and the kids even more.

tryingagain74 posted 3/9/2014 19:58 PM

I'm angry that he (according to him) "thought" about divorcing me a few times throughout our marriage, but he never pulled the trigger. Instead, he went along and had three kids with me, so now I'm basically attached to him for life in one way or another. Even once my kids become adults, unless they completely cut him out of their lives, he'll still be a presence at major events or in their discussion of him. I wished he had just asked for a divorce years ago. It would have saved a lot of time and money, and without kids in the picture, I could have moved on completely and maybe found a real man to have children with.

hope2014 posted 3/9/2014 20:34 PM

I'm angry that he can't bother to say two words to me while emailing me about how he can tell the OW everything. I've asked him several times if he is going to end the other R. His last response (via email because he will only communicate with me in writing) was that he would let me know "soon." Since that time, there has been NO communication other than basic logistical stuff concerning our kids. He even texted me while we were both in the house to tell me he is going for a walk. What complete BS! He needs to "use his words" as we tell our 3 year old.

burnedcanuckEMS posted 3/9/2014 21:51 PM

Even though I have chosen to forgive my exH (more for my benefit than his) I haven't forgotten all the abuse I put up with over the years. The top of my angry list are these things:

1) That I wasted my childbearing years on this piece of shit jerk.

2) The way he treated my mother and alienated me from my family for years

3) His extreme jealousy over the years and all the accusations he made that I must have been cheating on him (not true) and yet all the while he was having affairs!!

Fuck that guy and thank god I have been set free

Harriet posted 3/9/2014 23:36 PM

I'm angry at the lies. I'm angry that he has moved on and has left his family for multiple shallow relationships and prefers it that way. Who IS this man?