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Angry WS Vent that generalizes and may offend. I'm sorry.

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JustForgave posted 3/9/2014 15:11 PM

Please know: I'm fully aware this was written with a crap ton of anger. I know I'm lumping all WSs together, and all BSs together, which isn't fair. I know I'll offend people, and I know that some will think what I'm saying is only detrimental to my own healing. I appreciate the concern, and I understand. If you're easily offended, please just don't bother reading this. I'll totally understand. But I hurt.

I sometimes read through the Wayward forum because I like to see remorse, and to watch what everybody is doing to fix things.

Today, though, after three days of a horrible funk, I read through them and just got angry.

All this self-pity about how your BS is having trouble with forgiveness, or how bad you're feeling about what you've done, or how much you're hurting over something, or how you realize what you've lost, or how you're disgusted by the OW/OM...

What a bunch of crap. EVERY SINGLE BIT of the shit that's hurting you is all the shit YOU dumped on your BS and family coming right back at you.

Sad because your BS is riding a roller coaster that sometimes ends up with you getting shut out or yelled at or called names? Try to remember that YOU built that roller coaster, bit by bit, down to the very last nut and bolt, and YOU strapped him/her into the car and let it go. YOU.

Missing the BS because he/she left after finding out, and now that BS has a new life? I'll bet it's just as good as the new life YOU had with your OW/OM, except that it isn't being lived behind a facade of lies and betrayal. It is being lived honestly. Integrity must be a painful thing, because you didn't have any while in the A, and now that your BS is living with it, that's pretty painful, too, isn't it?

Really, what makes ANY of you (my own WH included) think that anything you do can ever make up for the pain you inflicted? At least today, yes, I hope it DOES hurt. I hope you think about it all the time. Think about how you stripped your BS of his/her self-esteem and feelings of being special. Think about how the trust you'd built throughout your relationship went straight out the window. Think about how it will most likely NEVER return to what it was. And I do mean NEVER. Because you destroyed it.

Think about your BS at home, living a life he/she thought was, if not perfect, at least okay, maybe raising your children, or doing your laundry or keeping the oil in your car changed and the garbage taken out. Exciting? An ego stroke? Maybe not, but it was honest. But honesty doesn't live here anymore.

Worried that you said or did the wrong thing, and hurt your chances of R? Worried that limbo will never end? Worried that the damage you've done is permanent? Seriously--why worry now? You've already fucked it up. Maybe worrying BEFORE you made the decision to look your BS in the face and stab him/her through the heart would have been better.

Pre-A I was ignored (unless he wanted sex.) That's about all I was good for, unless you count being expected to keep our child alive and cook dinners. During the A, I was demonized, vilified, ignored even more, treated unfairly and attacked. Now, post-A, I am seen, I am heard, and he has done almost everything I asked of him in order to help my healing.

But why NOW?! How can he find me so wanting that he's willing to break up our family for a stupid, thoughtless, selfish, ugly 23-year-old whore, and yet now be all about making me happy?

How can anyone ever know that it won't happen again and again and again? I know that all he can do is assure me that he's here to stay, but there's that trust thing a few paragraphs ago--it won't come back completely. Ever. That part of me, of many BSs, is broken and gone. Not only do I not completely trust him, I no longer completely trust anybody. I hate that.

So suddenly it's all okay again. I'm wonderful, he won't leave, bla bla bla.

My DOG was more loyal than my husband. My cat is an asshole, but at least he doesn't lie to me about it.

I know I'm being offensive and unfair and unfeeling and any other ugly thing you may want to call me, and that's okay. I probably deserve to be smacked with a truckload of 2x4s. But really, I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around the pain of a WS. I know that I go out of my way to AVOID things that'll cause me pain, not run headlong into them with my genitals flapping.

Yep, my marriage was broken, and I'm sure some of the other marriages here were, too. I own my part in that. I did a lot of wrong things. But I had morals and integrity.

Perhaps the WSs out there were broken BEFORE the affairs, and now that they're over, they're feeling strong enough to rebuild. The downside is that the BSs are broken NOW, AFTER the affairs. And just waking up to the things we've done wrong isn't enough to make us feel better, because we're also waking up to the fact that someone who was supposed to love and protect us hurt us just as much as they could have with a gun, a knife, AND a wood chipper. I don't know about any of you, but I MIGHT have felt better had he fed me into a wood chipper and sprayed bits of me out into a landfill. At least the pain would have ended. This way, I get to live through it! Fucking whee!

Am I self-pitying too? Yep, you betcha. Because I didn't deserve this. Nobody does. When faced with a cheating spouse, I decided to put in the work necessary to save my marriage. When WH was faced with a broken marriage, he decided to go fuck a pig. It feels now like the marriage has to always be perfect and what he expects it to be, otherwise none of the barnyard animals in town are safe. And to put a cherry on top, I feel scared when I stand up for myself, scared that it'll be enough to send him running again.

If you are a WS, please forgive me this rant. This is what is happening inside me EVERY DAY because of what MY WH did. I don't think it's that uncommon. I'm sorry if it hurts you. I'm very sorry that it hurts ME, over and over and over...

confused615 posted 3/9/2014 15:19 PM

I hear you.


(((JustForgave))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

PhantomLimb posted 3/9/2014 15:20 PM

Personally, this was cathartic for me to read. I'll never understand how my X threw away a woman who loved him unconditionally, a family who would die for him and do anything for him, friends who cherished him, stability and commitment. I'll never understand how he could wound me like this. His father left him when he was a boy and he lost all trust in people and was scarred for life. And, lucky me, his abandonment now threatens to turn me from a happy, loving and innocent person into a demented emotional troll like him.

He never saw that OW was using him. Never stood back and saw her for who she is. Just went trailing along like a puppy. Why? Because he could get a BJ during his lunch hour? Pathetic.

So, yeah, I agree with everything you just said.

confused615 posted 3/9/2014 15:23 PM

What you said reminded me of a post in the Menz thread recently.

Epic. Spot on. High five to Ascendant.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=522964&AP=221


JellyGirl84 posted 3/9/2014 15:25 PM

((Just forgave))

Slow....clap.....standing......ovation.....
I have heard you. I have felt your anger. You vented beautifully. Anger has its place.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:26 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/9/2014 15:27 PM

My DOG was more loyal than my husband. My cat is an asshole, but at least he doesn't lie to me about it.

Ok that made me grin a little .

There are 2 responses I get from WH when he is feeling defensive. Poor me I screw up everything man child pity party shame dumpster or jerk asshole I do no wrong how dare you say that guy.

Whenever either one show up I have to call a time out or I'll wig out on him and he wouldn't survive.

Stillstings posted 3/9/2014 15:28 PM

The line about cats being assholes is true for 2 reasons.

1. Let's face it cats are assholes and don't care
2. Lying is what destroys relationships

Truly posted 3/9/2014 15:32 PM

No 2x4's here x

Just hugs ((((((((Just forgave)))))))

And know this; I too feel this way.

I am hurt.
I am afraid.
I am diminished.
I am ashamed.
I am silenced.

Also, I love those who are remorseful but to the whingers I say, "NO!". You don't get that too! You don't destroy and then whine after your Unicornfartingrainbow bs turned out to be a fantasy! Colour me surprised!

Turns out I am also:
Kind
Strong
Considerate
Faithful
Loyal
Honest
Respectful
Responsible
...and loving.

I got the bad guys beat!
And you do too x
Kia kaha
xxx

[This message edited by Truly at 3:35 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

SadInNC posted 3/9/2014 15:33 PM

Really, what makes ANY of you (my own WH included) think that anything you do can ever make up for the pain you inflicted? At least today, yes, I hope it DOES hurt. I hope you think about it all the time. Think about how you stripped your BS of his/her self-esteem and feelings of being special. Think about how the trust you'd built throughout your relationship went straight out the window. Think about how it will most likely NEVER return to what it was. And I do mean NEVER. Because you destroyed it.

Culdn't have generalized a statement/rant any better myself. I feel the same.

Think about your BS at home, living a life he/she thought was, if not perfect, at least okay, maybe raising your children, or doing your laundry or keeping the oil in your car changed and the garbage taken out. Exciting? An ego stroke? Maybe not, but it was honest. But honesty doesn't live here anymore.

I never changed the oil in the car but I was at home doing the mundane daily tasks. Not perfectly, but with love and authenticity for sure.

Pre-A I was ignored (unless he wanted sex.) That's about all I was good for, unless you count being expected to keep our child alive and cook dinners. During the A, I was demonized, vilified, ignored even more, treated unfairly and attacked. Now, post-A, I am seen, I am heard, and he has done almost everything I asked of him in order to help my healing.

Same here, except I get TT and yelled at when I ask too many questions about the A. So, I'm not able to heal.

Sad because your BS is riding a roller coaster that sometimes ends up with you getting shut out or yelled at or called names? Try to remember that YOU built that roller coaster, bit by bit, down to the very last nut and bolt, and YOU strapped him/her into the car and let it go. YOU.

The only rollercoaster in my entire life that I hate being on.

I liked your rant
Do it again anytime you feel like it


4everfaithful83 posted 3/9/2014 15:39 PM

Your post was therapeutic for me! So thanks! Totally understand how you are feeling. Couldn't agree more!

Ascendant posted 3/9/2014 15:58 PM

Sometimes ya just gotta get the angries out.

Prayingforhope posted 3/9/2014 16:07 PM

Thank you for sharing that. My BS rightfully kicked me out months ago and only through reading incredible posts like yours do I have a glimpse into her pain. I wish you the best in your R.

alwaysclass posted 3/9/2014 16:07 PM

Hallelujah! You beautifully expressed what many of us feel. May God grant us all a little peace- PLEASE

5454real posted 3/9/2014 16:13 PM

Start off with saying that sometimes you've just got to get it out. No 2 X 4 for the rant, but...

I feel scared when I stand up for myself, scared that it'll be enough to send him running again.

Then he's not doing enough. FTG, you DESERVE to be safe. Stand up for you, if he runs, he doesn't deserve the gift you are offering.

Strength

somanyyears posted 3/9/2014 16:58 PM


..i'm sorry you are feeling this bottomless pit of pain.. many of us are in that same pit.

..as for your cat being an asshole??

..it's time to get a new cat!!!

I have 3 of the little furballs and they are truly my greatest daily companions.. their 6th sense of knowing when I'm down and they curl up and snuggle with me.. they seem to know!

..good rant.. I understand...completely!

smy

Ostrich80 posted 3/9/2014 17:03 PM

Bravo!!! I have felt the same way and still do at times.
I just felt a mad on coming over me. I need to be mad sometimes, its the only time I get proactive.

StorybookGirl42 posted 3/9/2014 17:04 PM

A good rant. Very coherent, made tons of sense, and I totally understand what you said there and definitely have felt it myself.

And I'm a critter person, in general, so I seldom find cats to be assholes, but personal opinions and all that :P

somanyyears, your kitties are ADORABLE! I miss having a furry critter so much and you have three! SO JEALOUS! lol

jackie89 posted 3/9/2014 17:14 PM

Awesome rant!

purplejacket4 posted 3/9/2014 17:16 PM

Only an unremorseful WS or barnyard animals would be offended by this post.

Bravo.

jstbreathe posted 3/9/2014 17:21 PM

(((JustForgave)))

You were reading my thoughts today. Great post.

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