Please know: I'm fully aware this was written with a crap ton of anger. I know I'm lumping all WSs together, and all BSs together, which isn't fair. I know I'll offend people, and I know that some will think what I'm saying is only detrimental to my own healing. I appreciate the concern, and I understand. If you're easily offended, please just don't bother reading this. I'll totally understand. But I hurt.
I sometimes read through the Wayward forum because I like to see remorse, and to watch what everybody is doing to fix things.
Today, though, after three days of a horrible funk, I read through them and just got angry.
All this self-pity about how your BS is having trouble with forgiveness, or how bad you're feeling about what you've done, or how much you're hurting over something, or how you realize what you've lost, or how you're disgusted by the OW/OM...
What a bunch of crap. EVERY SINGLE BIT of the shit that's hurting you is all the shit YOU dumped on your BS and family coming right back at you.
Sad because your BS is riding a roller coaster that sometimes ends up with you getting shut out or yelled at or called names? Try to remember that YOU built that roller coaster, bit by bit, down to the very last nut and bolt, and YOU strapped him/her into the car and let it go. YOU.
Missing the BS because he/she left after finding out, and now that BS has a new life? I'll bet it's just as good as the new life YOU had with your OW/OM, except that it isn't being lived behind a facade of lies and betrayal. It is being lived honestly. Integrity must be a painful thing, because you didn't have any while in the A, and now that your BS is living with it, that's pretty painful, too, isn't it?
Really, what makes ANY of you (my own WH included) think that anything you do can ever make up for the pain you inflicted? At least today, yes, I hope it DOES hurt. I hope you think about it all the time. Think about how you stripped your BS of his/her self-esteem and feelings of being special. Think about how the trust you'd built throughout your relationship went straight out the window. Think about how it will most likely NEVER return to what it was. And I do mean NEVER. Because you destroyed it.
Think about your BS at home, living a life he/she thought was, if not perfect, at least okay, maybe raising your children, or doing your laundry or keeping the oil in your car changed and the garbage taken out. Exciting? An ego stroke? Maybe not, but it was honest. But honesty doesn't live here anymore.
Worried that you said or did the wrong thing, and hurt your chances of R? Worried that limbo will never end? Worried that the damage you've done is permanent? Seriously--why worry now? You've already fucked it up. Maybe worrying BEFORE you made the decision to look your BS in the face and stab him/her through the heart would have been better.
Pre-A I was ignored (unless he wanted sex.) That's about all I was good for, unless you count being expected to keep our child alive and cook dinners. During the A, I was demonized, vilified, ignored even more, treated unfairly and attacked. Now, post-A, I am seen, I am heard, and he has done almost everything I asked of him in order to help my healing.
But why NOW?! How can he find me so wanting that he's willing to break up our family for a stupid, thoughtless, selfish, ugly 23-year-old whore, and yet now be all about making me happy?
How can anyone ever know that it won't happen again and again and again? I know that all he can do is assure me that he's here to stay, but there's that trust thing a few paragraphs ago--it won't come back completely. Ever. That part of me, of many BSs, is broken and gone. Not only do I not completely trust him, I no longer completely trust anybody. I hate that.
So suddenly it's all okay again. I'm wonderful, he won't leave, bla bla bla.
My DOG was more loyal than my husband. My cat is an asshole, but at least he doesn't lie to me about it.
I know I'm being offensive and unfair and unfeeling and any other ugly thing you may want to call me, and that's okay. I probably deserve to be smacked with a truckload of 2x4s. But really, I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around the pain of a WS. I know that I go out of my way to AVOID things that'll cause me pain, not run headlong into them with my genitals flapping.
Yep, my marriage was broken, and I'm sure some of the other marriages here were, too. I own my part in that. I did a lot of wrong things. But I had morals and integrity.
Perhaps the WSs out there were broken BEFORE the affairs, and now that they're over, they're feeling strong enough to rebuild. The downside is that the BSs are broken NOW, AFTER the affairs. And just waking up to the things we've done wrong isn't enough to make us feel better, because we're also waking up to the fact that someone who was supposed to love and protect us hurt us just as much as they could have with a gun, a knife, AND a wood chipper. I don't know about any of you, but I MIGHT have felt better had he fed me into a wood chipper and sprayed bits of me out into a landfill. At least the pain would have ended. This way, I get to live through it! Fucking whee!
Am I self-pitying too? Yep, you betcha. Because I didn't deserve this. Nobody does. When faced with a cheating spouse, I decided to put in the work necessary to save my marriage. When WH was faced with a broken marriage, he decided to go fuck a pig. It feels now like the marriage has to always be perfect and what he expects it to be, otherwise none of the barnyard animals in town are safe. And to put a cherry on top, I feel scared when I stand up for myself, scared that it'll be enough to send him running again.
If you are a WS, please forgive me this rant. This is what is happening inside me EVERY DAY because of what MY WH did. I don't think it's that uncommon. I'm sorry if it hurts you. I'm very sorry that it hurts ME, over and over and over...