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User Topic: Angry WS Vent that generalizes and may offend. I'm sorry.
JustForgave
♀ 36038
Member # 36038
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please know: I'm fully aware this was written with a crap ton of anger. I know I'm lumping all WSs together, and all BSs together, which isn't fair. I know I'll offend people, and I know that some will think what I'm saying is only detrimental to my own healing. I appreciate the concern, and I understand. If you're easily offended, please just don't bother reading this. I'll totally understand. But I hurt.

I sometimes read through the Wayward forum because I like to see remorse, and to watch what everybody is doing to fix things.

Today, though, after three days of a horrible funk, I read through them and just got angry.

All this self-pity about how your BS is having trouble with forgiveness, or how bad you're feeling about what you've done, or how much you're hurting over something, or how you realize what you've lost, or how you're disgusted by the OW/OM...

What a bunch of crap. EVERY SINGLE BIT of the shit that's hurting you is all the shit YOU dumped on your BS and family coming right back at you.

Sad because your BS is riding a roller coaster that sometimes ends up with you getting shut out or yelled at or called names? Try to remember that YOU built that roller coaster, bit by bit, down to the very last nut and bolt, and YOU strapped him/her into the car and let it go. YOU.

Missing the BS because he/she left after finding out, and now that BS has a new life? I'll bet it's just as good as the new life YOU had with your OW/OM, except that it isn't being lived behind a facade of lies and betrayal. It is being lived honestly. Integrity must be a painful thing, because you didn't have any while in the A, and now that your BS is living with it, that's pretty painful, too, isn't it?

Really, what makes ANY of you (my own WH included) think that anything you do can ever make up for the pain you inflicted? At least today, yes, I hope it DOES hurt. I hope you think about it all the time. Think about how you stripped your BS of his/her self-esteem and feelings of being special. Think about how the trust you'd built throughout your relationship went straight out the window. Think about how it will most likely NEVER return to what it was. And I do mean NEVER. Because you destroyed it.

Think about your BS at home, living a life he/she thought was, if not perfect, at least okay, maybe raising your children, or doing your laundry or keeping the oil in your car changed and the garbage taken out. Exciting? An ego stroke? Maybe not, but it was honest. But honesty doesn't live here anymore.

Worried that you said or did the wrong thing, and hurt your chances of R? Worried that limbo will never end? Worried that the damage you've done is permanent? Seriously--why worry now? You've already fucked it up. Maybe worrying BEFORE you made the decision to look your BS in the face and stab him/her through the heart would have been better.

Pre-A I was ignored (unless he wanted sex.) That's about all I was good for, unless you count being expected to keep our child alive and cook dinners. During the A, I was demonized, vilified, ignored even more, treated unfairly and attacked. Now, post-A, I am seen, I am heard, and he has done almost everything I asked of him in order to help my healing.

But why NOW?! How can he find me so wanting that he's willing to break up our family for a stupid, thoughtless, selfish, ugly 23-year-old whore, and yet now be all about making me happy?

How can anyone ever know that it won't happen again and again and again? I know that all he can do is assure me that he's here to stay, but there's that trust thing a few paragraphs ago--it won't come back completely. Ever. That part of me, of many BSs, is broken and gone. Not only do I not completely trust him, I no longer completely trust anybody. I hate that.

So suddenly it's all okay again. I'm wonderful, he won't leave, bla bla bla.

My DOG was more loyal than my husband. My cat is an asshole, but at least he doesn't lie to me about it.

I know I'm being offensive and unfair and unfeeling and any other ugly thing you may want to call me, and that's okay. I probably deserve to be smacked with a truckload of 2x4s. But really, I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around the pain of a WS. I know that I go out of my way to AVOID things that'll cause me pain, not run headlong into them with my genitals flapping.

Yep, my marriage was broken, and I'm sure some of the other marriages here were, too. I own my part in that. I did a lot of wrong things. But I had morals and integrity.

Perhaps the WSs out there were broken BEFORE the affairs, and now that they're over, they're feeling strong enough to rebuild. The downside is that the BSs are broken NOW, AFTER the affairs. And just waking up to the things we've done wrong isn't enough to make us feel better, because we're also waking up to the fact that someone who was supposed to love and protect us hurt us just as much as they could have with a gun, a knife, AND a wood chipper. I don't know about any of you, but I MIGHT have felt better had he fed me into a wood chipper and sprayed bits of me out into a landfill. At least the pain would have ended. This way, I get to live through it! Fucking whee!

Am I self-pitying too? Yep, you betcha. Because I didn't deserve this. Nobody does. When faced with a cheating spouse, I decided to put in the work necessary to save my marriage. When WH was faced with a broken marriage, he decided to go fuck a pig. It feels now like the marriage has to always be perfect and what he expects it to be, otherwise none of the barnyard animals in town are safe. And to put a cherry on top, I feel scared when I stand up for myself, scared that it'll be enough to send him running again.

If you are a WS, please forgive me this rant. This is what is happening inside me EVERY DAY because of what MY WH did. I don't think it's that uncommon. I'm sorry if it hurts you. I'm very sorry that it hurts ME, over and over and over...


Me: 47
FWH: 40 (SI username: Bumbling)
DD: 11

DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present


Posts: 296 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you.


(((JustForgave))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, this was cathartic for me to read. I'll never understand how my X threw away a woman who loved him unconditionally, a family who would die for him and do anything for him, friends who cherished him, stability and commitment. I'll never understand how he could wound me like this. His father left him when he was a boy and he lost all trust in people and was scarred for life. And, lucky me, his abandonment now threatens to turn me from a happy, loving and innocent person into a demented emotional troll like him.

He never saw that OW was using him. Never stood back and saw her for who she is. Just went trailing along like a puppy. Why? Because he could get a BJ during his lunch hour? Pathetic.

So, yeah, I agree with everything you just said.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you said reminded me of a post in the Menz thread recently.

Epic. Spot on. High five to Ascendant.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=522964&AP=221



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
JellyGirl84
♀ 41717
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Just forgave))

Slow....clap.....standing......ovation.....
I have heard you. I have felt your anger. You vented beautifully. Anger has its place.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:26 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DOG was more loyal than my husband. My cat is an asshole, but at least he doesn't lie to me about it.

Ok that made me grin a little .

There are 2 responses I get from WH when he is feeling defensive. Poor me I screw up everything man child pity party shame dumpster or jerk asshole I do no wrong how dare you say that guy.

Whenever either one show up I have to call a time out or I'll wig out on him and he wouldn't survive.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Stillstings
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The line about cats being assholes is true for 2 reasons.

1. Let's face it cats are assholes and don't care
2. Lying is what destroys relationships


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
Truly
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4's here x

Just hugs ((((((((Just forgave)))))))

And know this; I too feel this way.

I am hurt.
I am afraid.
I am diminished.
I am ashamed.
I am silenced.

Also, I love those who are remorseful but to the whingers I say, "NO!". You don't get that too! You don't destroy and then whine after your Unicornfartingrainbow bs turned out to be a fantasy! Colour me surprised!

Turns out I am also:
Kind
Strong
Considerate
Faithful
Loyal
Honest
Respectful
Responsible
...and loving.

I got the bad guys beat!
And you do too x
Kia kaha
xxx

[This message edited by Truly at 3:35 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, what makes ANY of you (my own WH included) think that anything you do can ever make up for the pain you inflicted? At least today, yes, I hope it DOES hurt. I hope you think about it all the time. Think about how you stripped your BS of his/her self-esteem and feelings of being special. Think about how the trust you'd built throughout your relationship went straight out the window. Think about how it will most likely NEVER return to what it was. And I do mean NEVER. Because you destroyed it.

Culdn't have generalized a statement/rant any better myself. I feel the same.

Think about your BS at home, living a life he/she thought was, if not perfect, at least okay, maybe raising your children, or doing your laundry or keeping the oil in your car changed and the garbage taken out. Exciting? An ego stroke? Maybe not, but it was honest. But honesty doesn't live here anymore.

I never changed the oil in the car but I was at home doing the mundane daily tasks. Not perfectly, but with love and authenticity for sure.

Pre-A I was ignored (unless he wanted sex.) That's about all I was good for, unless you count being expected to keep our child alive and cook dinners. During the A, I was demonized, vilified, ignored even more, treated unfairly and attacked. Now, post-A, I am seen, I am heard, and he has done almost everything I asked of him in order to help my healing.

Same here, except I get TT and yelled at when I ask too many questions about the A. So, I'm not able to heal.

Sad because your BS is riding a roller coaster that sometimes ends up with you getting shut out or yelled at or called names? Try to remember that YOU built that roller coaster, bit by bit, down to the very last nut and bolt, and YOU strapped him/her into the car and let it go. YOU.

The only rollercoaster in my entire life that I hate being on.

I liked your rant
Do it again anytime you feel like it



BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
4everfaithful83
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post was therapeutic for me! So thanks! Totally understand how you are feeling. Couldn't agree more!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes ya just gotta get the angries out.


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing that. My BS rightfully kicked me out months ago and only through reading incredible posts like yours do I have a glimpse into her pain. I wish you the best in your R.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
alwaysclass
♀ 42200
Member # 42200
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hallelujah! You beautifully expressed what many of us feel. May God grant us all a little peace- PLEASE


BS me 51
DWS him 52
Married 23 years
2 DSs 18y & 15y
D day 10-25-2011
Divorce final 10-25-2012...eerie same


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2014
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start off with saying that sometimes you've just got to get it out. No 2 X 4 for the rant, but...

I feel scared when I stand up for myself, scared that it'll be enough to send him running again.

Then he's not doing enough. FTG, you DESERVE to be safe. Stand up for you, if he runs, he doesn't deserve the gift you are offering.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..i'm sorry you are feeling this bottomless pit of pain.. many of us are in that same pit.

..as for your cat being an asshole??

..it's time to get a new cat!!!

I have 3 of the little furballs and they are truly my greatest daily companions.. their 6th sense of knowing when I'm down and they curl up and snuggle with me.. they seem to know!

..good rant.. I understand...completely!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo!!! I have felt the same way and still do at times.
I just felt a mad on coming over me. I need to be mad sometimes, its the only time I get proactive.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
StorybookGirl42
♀ 42276
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good rant. Very coherent, made tons of sense, and I totally understand what you said there and definitely have felt it myself.

And I'm a critter person, in general, so I seldom find cats to be assholes, but personal opinions and all that :P

somanyyears, your kitties are ADORABLE! I miss having a furry critter so much and you have three! SO JEALOUS! lol


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome rant!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only an unremorseful WS or barnyard animals would be offended by this post.

Bravo.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
jstbreathe
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((JustForgave)))

You were reading my thoughts today. Great post.


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 154 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 81
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