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Through this entire process, I've been under the impression that I was the one refusing to R. STBXH made all the right noises about 'wanting to get better' and 'not wanting to divorce'. Well I've been pretty good about NC except for kids and finances until last week. I sent STBXH the following email on Friday...

Just gonna lay it on the line here. Maybe I've been too vague by just mentioning my availability, plus I've been pretty much 'no contact' for my own healing. But I expected us to have some sort of joint counseling by now, some sort of formal disclosure.

I don't know if you've been advised not to for legal reasons, or if you feel its not necessary because I filed for divorce, or if you don't want to because you're happier on your own.

I just feel like there's unfinished business between us. Maybe the best way to explain it is this post from a support site. Just let me know if I'm needlessly slamming my hand in the car door.

"...It's even harder to understand that, while our lives were humming along just fine, they were starting to unravel and so much more was going out that we never even suspected. By the time we knew anything was even amiss, they were already checked out. That's an awful lot to process and accept.

The thing to remember at this point is that feeling that you have when you do end up talking to him and giving him another little piece of your heart. Remember that his reaction of nothingness makes you feel like shit. It makes you feel even worse when you pour out your feelings and he acts like you're talking about the weather or what to order for dinner. Again, we've all been there. At some point, you learn that slamming your hand in the car door over and over again will produce the same result every single time.

Just try your best to recall this feeling and that will hopefully help carry you through to the next time you want to call him and talk about 'us'. "

His reply has been crickets. So today I sent...

Okay. Message received. I'll quite bugging you.

Yes, 2x4s for doing exactly what I shouldn't, but in a way I feel like I just ripped off the band-aid. I was feeling very confused and questioning my decision to D, now I know that he chose D just as much as I did, even if he did it with silence. (Silence was his most common answer even before I filed.)

“Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere.”
― Terry Goodkind, Wizard's First Rule

I guess you just had to do that to know for sure. I'm sorry you feel upset by putting yourself out there but I hope it gets rid of any doubt you had in moving forward.

I think it's common for BSs to think that this-

Maybe I've been too vague by just mentioning my availability, plus I've been pretty much 'no contact' for my own healing.

is what keeps a WS from wanting to work on the M but it's just not true. He would've let you know with actions.

STBXH is a big one for turning things back on me so I can just hear him saying "I was just respecting your wish for NC" of "You filed for D so what was the point". Nice to know I'm not crazy.

I guess that's it then. Deep breath and full steam ahead!

No more doubts. Now you know. (((HUGS)))

I called mine on our anniversary to tell him I didn't understand why he was hurting so many people by walking away from me and our friends and family, but that I wished him well.

I was still in the fog and a part of me still wanted him back.

Months later, after I've had a chance to process how deep his betrayal truly was, I will never speak to him again. He emailed me about a month ago and my response was to block him. If I ever saw him again, I'd walk away. Or maybe drop something on his head. I'm constantly disappointed when I hear about crimes, tragedies and natural disasters and he wasn't in it.

((hugs))

To find out they are heartless, soul-less beasts is hard. It takes a long time to sink in. Be good to yourself.